| ADVICE CENTER :: DATING | STORIES | ||
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How To Keep A Balance in a Relationship Posted Aug. 29, 2002 -- Lauren and Keisha have been close friends for almost a decade. They live within blocks of each other, go to the same gym, and have the same social circle. Because their apartments are less than five minutes apart, they are together for the most mundane tasks - laundry, installing air conditioners and weekly "Soul Food" and "Six Feet Under" episode nights. If a day passes that they don't see each other, they talk on the phone. More than once, they've joked that they were like a couple minus the fighting and the sex. And, in the backs of their minds, both women wondered what would happen to their friendship when one of them actually did get a boyfriend. When Lauren met Bryan, they found out. "Things suddenly changed in my day-to-day life. I couldn't just drop over for smoothies without notice. And we didn't spend hours on the phone," remembers Keisha. "But Lauren didn't drop me from her life. There were just some very understandable adjustments." Nationally syndicated advice columnist Harriette Cole says that a reduction of time spent with friends is normal in the early days of a romance. "As you enjoy the experience of falling in love it's easy to lose yourself in your partner. Reality is suspended." She points out that the average person has so little free time in their lives that what little they do have often goes to the new partner. Cole, author of "How to be: Contemporary Etiquette for African-Americans," advises friends who are feeling sidelined to not take it personal, but to lie low for a moment and allow their friend the giddiness of new love. "But if you haven't seen her in awhile, call and check in," recommends Cole. "Say, 'I miss you,' but not in a way to make them feel guilty. Offer to meet up after work for a drink. Ask about her partner and don't put pressure on your friend." Whether you are the person in the new relationship or the friend, be aware that most people only stay hidden for the first few months. "I may go underground for a moment, but I come right back up," says Hilary Beard, a Philadelphia-based writer. "I never dis my girls or my male friends. Distorting the shape of my life so that it fits around a man like a glove makes me feel off-kilter and needy when we're going over rough spots and he's not around
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| Tip of The Century: | TRUE LIFE EVENTS :: | ||
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If seeing her at Starbucks is the only time you get to see her, then the pressure is really on. 'Cause you know 9 guys earlier that day made the same dumb joke about "too much foam" on their Cappuccino or some other lame ass attempt... Don't ever ask them out while it's busy. Although this seems obvious, guys have a tendency of blowing their nut too early. So wait until the place is quite and she doesn't have much to do. Strike up a conversation while she is cleaning tables or whatever and then suggest that the two of you...get a coffee??? no you idiot. Suggest the two of you "do something when she has the time" Always be general when first asking a girl out...then gage her answer. By asking in a casual way "Hey, wanna do something" you are not held to anything and it's non offensive. If she responds in a positive way like, "what did you have in mind?" then you can be more specific. If she ignores you, that's you answer. Save yourself form embarrassment and don't ask her again. Unless of course she didn't hear you...then you have to ask, "did she really not hear me..?" It's all a game. In fact don't use any of this advice...
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