JOSHUA

    So you meet a guy, he seems really nice, laid back, charming in an immature younger guy sort of thing. You hang out a few times and realize you like each other. A new relationship starts and you have your fun but you don't really connect. Another guy comes along thats a bit more your style so you leave the first to be with the second and realize you have just hurt someone that actually cared about you and you've made a HUGE mistake.
     And that my friends is the story of Josh and I. We met over the net about three years ago this time of the year. He was a football player for a rival school, tall, buff, kinda cute, beautiful blue eyes, a nice butt, and he was actually pretty smart. He was a really nice guy. I on the other hand was experienced in relationships, looking for something a bit more serious, wanted to be out all the time, and had a huge need for attention. He needed to feel desired and so did I. I felt I was on top of the world. I was a cheerleader, had a lot of friends, never witout a boyfriend, had money, and I didn't need anyone to drag at my legs because they were needy.
     Ugh...I was so stupid. I needed Josh a lot more than he needed me. I know that now. He was so nice to me. He actually respected me-if thats what you call it. He liked to hold me and we could jsut lay in his little twin sized bed, snuggle up and watch tv. Some nights we went to my place and did the same thing. Watch movies, play Nintendo, make fun of each other, and play in the snow. I could have loved him. But i didn't. I don't know what the hell was wrong with me. Why wouldn't I like him? Maybe it's because I didn't feel like he even tried to impress me. Yes, that is a stupid reason but that was a stupid time for me.
     One night i finally jumped off the cliff and broke up with him. Today Josh says I hurt him but I didn't think so at that time. He didn't seem to care and I don't blame him. I know he didn't love me but maybe it could have happened. I ended up dating a friend of mine who turned out to be psychotic and once I broke up wiht him he tried to run over the guy I was seeing after him. I know. I'm stupid.
      Not too long ago but before Blake, Josh and I seemed like we were going to give it another shot. We hung out often, talked all the time...but I told him I wans't ready for a relationship. I wasn't really. It was too soon for me so what did this bastard do? He tells me we are going to go out then doesn't call. The next night I ask him what happened and he says this, "Oh shit I forgot." that's it. He forgot. Why did he forget? He forgot because he went to a party to try and hook up with soem girl he hadn't seen in years. WTF. Am I that easy to forget? Now that was insulting. I couldn't believe how hurt I was. I know I didn't want a relationship but it had just been me and him. I can't explain it really but as far as I was concerned it was over because I now knew how much he actually wanted me. Not enough. So what did I do next? i started going out with Blake. Maybe I was at a moment of weakness but I did have a beautiful thing with Blake. I cared for him very deeply and still do. No regrets.
     Today, 3 years later Josh is the only real man in my life. He is very special to me and if I ever find out about a girl hurting them I will hurt them 3 times worse. Josh is my rock. If I feel sorry for myself he makes me realize how petty i am but he conforts me to all ends and actually listens to me. I mean the guy gives feedback and comments on the situations I'm in. Josh tells me I'm strong when I feel weak and that I can handle anything. Josh will forever be my love lost and someone I hold in the highest regards. I wish him the best of luck in school, life and work. I want him to know that I will always be here anytime he needs a snuggle, a person to bullshit with, or tackle into the snow--again. I love you Josh. Don't let that scare you from me please. Just know it because I probably won't say it again.

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