 |
| Have you ever felt so animalistically attracted to someone you don't really know? Just the thought of their touch, their eyes locked on yours, and their lips against your own makes you burn with desire. Meet Blake, my temptation and my frustration. Let me begin to describe him... Blake is 6'3, light skin with dark features, brown eyes with some green in them, kinda lanky, very laid back, funny, clumsy, likes to drink and is a notorious smoker. Blake made me laugh and let me cry with him when our conversations actually turned to the serious. As I lay in bed waiting for my dreams to control my mind, thoughts of Blake took over my body. I felt a tingling sensation run through my veins as we spoke. He was and is utterly beautiful. Funny, sexy, easily lovable but deathly confusing. My love for him reminded me I still had it in me to fall deeply in love again...but my love for him was also a very strong hurt I thought I wouldn't experience for atleast some more time. Blake took full control over me and he knew it. As fast as we began talking over the phone I knew he was more than just a crush. Ugh...his voice was absolutely beautiful. Midwestern speech with a southern twang. He hated it but I know he liked the attention. And what a flirt he was. Sadly, things moved much too quickly with him. We fell i love, spoke of marriage, our futures together...then reality snuck up on us. You see, Blake is in the air force. Blake, my darling Blake, is stationed in South Carolina. As you can see from my last relationship long distances are not my friends. After trying to communicate the difficulties of being in a long distance relationship it was decided by him no less- the man that got my hopes up and fed my eager dreams- that this cannot go on any longer. "US" was just not meant to be. There would no longer be an "US." Let it be known that I was willing to atleast try to put forth the effort. Maybe I don't have as much responsibility as he does. I mean I don't exactly have the safety of a nation on my shoulders. Ofcourse it was going to be hard but what isn't? Ofcourse there would be nights where we might even regret it but once I hear him I knew I would be ok. Sadly, the feeling wasn't mutual and it was over. By email no less-atleast it wasn't a fax- but let me say here: I respect his decision whole heartedly. I know he cared for me but now wasn't our time. And I'm ok with that. I won't say it wasn't hard but because I never really had him here to begin with I never had to really deal with the sadness of seeing him and feeling sorry. We correspond at times. Very very short correspondences--I know he's busy and it's ok for the most part-- and I feel myself pulling away from him but we are both busy people and the holidays are coming up. I just wish I had someone special to share it with. Until then though I'll be ok. Why does love hurt so much? Why can't it be simple? But because of the diffiulty we had in being together I have a new found love for him all together. Blake, is much of what I want for the man in my future. I can only hope that I get a man as responsible, fun-loving, gentle, sexy, tall, attractive, attentive, intelligent, sweet, funny, charismatic..the lsit cold go on forever and I'll never be able to fully describe how wonderful he is. I know I may have seem selfish and bitter--I am somewhat--but I know he did this for us even if that meant there being no us. I will always find a place in my heart for my beautiful boy. Maybe not now but someday. And even if that day never comes I know I atleast had this much and there are women all over this world that will never even get close to sharing his beauty. Blake, you are an angel. I'm sorry for any hurt I've caused through this entry. You are just so beautiful that sometimes the hurt comes out a little later and easier through writing than over the phone or in person. I'll always love you, beautiful boy. |
 |