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Where Do I Fit in Gor?
This essay was
posted to the GPB
Tal and greetings (because that is the proper way to greet Goreans, not because I believe myself to be Gorean), I have served as a slave on-line Gor for 3 years now and during that time, I have served 2 men off-line. It has been an incredible journey for me and my love for Gor has grown so deep I wonder at times if I'm totally sane. During this time, I have had my own struggles and watched as others have struggled and grown and feel a kinship to many people I have known in this medium. The men I served in real life have left Gor and returned to bdsm and invite me to do the same. There is now a type of bdsm which is slavery called the TPE (Total Power Exchange) and very much like the "Old Guard" of bdsm which was replaced by the insanity of scenes and games of Domination/submission. I left bdsm 3 years ago, drawn to Gor by the order, structure, respect, and ritual. Maybe I brought some bdsm with me actually ~smiles~ but I came seeking what had been lost in bdsm with the passing of the "Old Guard". I suspect many can and will relate to this journey up to this point as there were many who came when I did. I am knowledgable of the books and understand the philosophies as deeply as any here and yet there are parts I can no longer say belong to what I consider a lifestyle alternative. I wonder if others have found themselves at this crossroads and where they now travel? One main thing is kneeling to *all* men and in particular all those (men and women) who are free simply by the letter in front of their name. Off-line this has not been a problem as I do not share my lifestyle choice with free people who I could not kneel before. On-line, many hear or know of me who I would never even want to know in real life. They expect me to respect them because they are upper-cased free. Usually, not a problem, as I respect most people anyway. Problem is when they try to tell me what to do or what to believe and it conflicts with what I know to be right. You can not obey everyone in this medium. Yet, to disobey earns you a reputation of one who doesn't obey or argues or questions her orders. I do question much of what I'm told in this medium and I think it wise any girl do so. This place is rife with fakes and bottom feeders. In trying to obey everyone and be the best I could be, I became less than what I was before I started this journey. By trusting what people told me and giving un-selfishly of myself, I was used so much that now I have become bitter and hurt and hardly trust myself anymore -- let alone anyone else. I can no longer be an "on-line slave". It's a joke to me now and not a very funny one. Still, I do not feel equal to those good women such as Opal and Dangruscurvzzz (whom I admire these women) who have never kissed a man's feet or begged to be raped. I am very much a slave and not a Free Woman like them. Yet, I'm not a "Gorean slave" here to be used and thrown to the urts by the wanna-be's and would-be "Masters" who for the most part don't even *want* to know about the power-exchange dynamics, let alone have a clue what it takes to truly enslave a woman. There are simply too many here who do not have my best interests in mind when they request my service. Maybe I am wrong to think they even should? Maybe this is where I part ways most greatly with the majority of what is passing as "Gorean thought" these days. Yet, I still have much to share and want to share and continue to grow. I have benefitted from my journey here in some ways. I am more humble (thank you Master Bear), more reflective (thank you Master Pantheus), less self-centered (thank you Master Locodarwin), and understanding so much better why I'm the way I am (thank you John Norman). It has not been at all bad to serve, even on-line, as a Gorean slave. How can I be a non-Gorean? That is what I would like to know how to do now. I can't be slave and I will never be free and it seems that is all there is in this lifestyle. Yet, I can no more be non-Gorean than I could be Gorean. I heard a free woman speak once of she did not fit into the "black and white" of Gor. I so related to that and now that is all I can think of. I don't fit into the black and white of Gor. I'm somewhere in the gray area. I kinda like that. Isn't gray area equivalent to brain? ~smiles~ I think too much huh Opal (thank you and I love you). I'm not even sure I will contribute much here if I'm even welcome to post here as one who can not definitively state she is one thing or the other, but I would like to have the option. I will not speak in 3rd person nor defer to men who I know to be wrong or whom I wish to question further (unless it pleases me to do so). I will not be shut up simply because they can shut me up (unless I want to shut up). I will not be belittled or demeaned because I disagree with someone. I will no longer tolerate it quietly and with the "grace of a kajira" .. no, I do not think so. I will not be made less by this lifestyle. If there is no man who can Master the whole woman that I present here in all her exquisite and passionate opinions and values and strength, then I will not be Mastered. I do not submit to anyone on-line. Does that make me less slave? Some will say so ~smiles~ I no longer care what those some think. The man who I will next listen to will be the one who can see in me the true slave I am and does not fear that. He will be a powerful man because I am a powerful woman. He will have to be more than me for I will not strive to be less for him. Does my belief that such a man exists make me less a free woman? Some will say so. I no longer care what those some think. This is who I am and I can not be less or something else. Maybe now I am what I fear most .. a spoiled subbie brat. Nah ~smiles~ They would kick me out of TPE if that were so. Maybe I'm just an enigma? I have noticed a few of those come and go in this forum over the years. I think some of them have come back under new names for revenge ~smiles knowingly~ Anyway, I ask the men to decide if I may be permitted to post as I wish. May I continue to share and learn here? Will my honesty and deep thought be welcomed? I wish to give it a try and of course, I will always be respectful. I do not believe I could be less. I will not claim to be what I am not though. I do not claim to be Gorean let alone a kajira. I only claim to have a deep love and respect for things Gorean and burning need to know more. She who was ariella wishes all Goreans well. For the Love of Gor, "This above all; to thine own self be true." --William Shakespeare
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