Currently,
I work for a company that has a contract with the Department of Defense. I make
good money, and like my job. My tumor is under control (for the moment), and I
continue to build a strong support group with my sister Tracy, my best
friends Dale and Loretta (his wife), and Richard (his father) and their
respective families, and of course my pet cat, Lucy. In fact, I have often told
people that you know it's bad when you get better treatment from your friends'
families than you do from your own. At least they're not ashamed to say that
they know you. Whenever Loretta’s family has a family dinner for example, I
know that not only would I be invited, but that I would also be welcome.
Speaking
of my tumor, it is classified as a Grade II Brain Stem Glioma. Simply put this
means that the tumor, which is a little larger than the size of a pea, is
located on the brain stem at the base of my brain. While it is classified as
malignant (Grade I is considered benign), it is controllable with medication at
least for now. I would have to go through chemotherapy and radiation to get rid
of the tumor completely, but have decided not to pursue either course of
treatment. I watched my adopted mom go through these treatments, and have seen
what she and others go through. Death was the inevitable outcome. I can either
go through these treatments which would mean I would be sick and miserable for
weeks, or even months at a time, or I can forego them and enjoy whatever time
the good Lord decides to give me. I do not fear death, as I know what waits on
the other side. I also have a (possible) Grade I Astrocytoma at the base of my
brain. I say possible because the doctors are still not sure if it’s a tumor,
or just a dense pack of cells about the size of a BB. Either way, since it’s a
Grade I, it poses no threat.
As for my family; Tracy and her family are the only family members that I have
any contact with. I keep getting messages through the other family that some of
them would like to see me, but I have decided against this. I believe that if I
have contact with these people again I’ll just be leaving myself open for more
trouble, and more hurt.
As for
the incest, I have made the decision to no longer hide the fact that this is
how I was conceived, as is witnessed by this web site. In fact, most of the
people who know me also know my heritage, as well as whom my parents are. The
thing that has surprised me the most about all of this is that when someone
finds out, they invariably treat me as if there was nothing different about me.
In fact, I have been shown kindness and understanding by everyone that knows
about it for which I am grateful.
There
is still a stigma in this day and age about children born out of rape or
incest, but fortunately, the ones held responsible are usually the parents. It
took me a long time to realize that I had nothing to do with this, and
therefore have absolutely no reason to be ashamed of it. I know a lady by the
name of Jennifer who runs a site called Stigma (www.stigmatized.org). One of
the first things that I learned from her web site is that "Rape survivors
are the victims. Their children are the forgotten victims." In talking
with people I've met on her site, I've come to realize that I'm a person just
like everyone else. That like everyone else, I deserve to be treated as a
person. And that I don't have to be treated as the 'family secret' any longer.
I don't have to hide any longer, and I'm not going to. My adopted mom taught me
a long time ago that as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror each
morning and not feel ashamed, you're doing just fine. She also taught me from
an early age to have faith in God. He'll see you through when no one else will.
The past few years have proven that!
Lots of people have asked whether or not I would still want to have met my
birth family, knowing how all this would end. The answer is a resounding yes.
It's much better than not knowing or having the answers. It's like someone told
me recently-you don’t know if it's better to not know and live the dream, or
know and live the nightmare. Well, I do know, and I have survived the
nightmare. I don't know that I would have built the same relationships with
these people, but at least I know who my family is.