AOTC Line By Line Fan Version Of Corce
(From HTTP:\\www.TheForce.Net boards)
By: (in alphabetical order)
BattleDroid1138
cable1996
Charth_Maul
Danno-the-Hutt
Dark_Father
DaRtH_DaRyL
Darth_name
ewingsquadron
GIMER
GriffZ
harjap
Icefire_Queen
Lobot_Omy
mandalorianmatt
Punisher
Rogue_Squad_Leader-
sharkdawg
silverblade
taylor_man
Ternian
So, "A long time ago in a galaxy far far away..."
Star Wars
Ten years ago, our heroes, Obi Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker and
Padme Amidala liberated the planet of Naboo from the evil Trade Federation.
With the death of Obi-Wan Master far behind him, he is now training
Anakin Skywalker as his padawan who is now 19 years old
Anakin: When are the clones going to attack?
Obi-Wan: "Patience, my young padawan. You must be mindful of the living moment."
Obi-wan- You can waste time with your friends when your training is complete.
Oh, look here comes Padme's ship.
Anakin: I hope she's learned how to spell "of course" after all these years...
as Padme gets off her cruiser the wind catches and blows up her dress and
Anakin takes a peek
Anakin: WHOA MAMA!!! What's that Master Obi-Wan?! (Obi-Wan hides a smile.)
Obi-Wan: Be mindful of your, um , feelings.
Anakin: I feel a great disturbance, uh... in, uh... you know.
Obi-Wan: EEEEOW!! Don't tell that to m- Uh, Hi Senator Amidala. How's... life?
AMIDALA: My life is fine, of "corce."
Padme: Are you okay, Ani? You look a little flushed?
Anakin: My name's not Ani! It's Padawan!!!
(Obi-Wan whispers to Anakin)
Anakin: Oh. I mean Anakin.
Obi-Wan: Ever since that "accident", he's been a little... (Obi-Wan waves his finger in a circular motion around his head.) Padme laughs and Anakin stares blankly.
Padme- Oh yeah, the "accident".
Anakin: Stang! * Will you people stop taking about me like I'm not even here! I'm standing right here!
(Anakin then gets pouty look on face.)
*Stang: An Alderannian swear word. Source: The Official Guide to the SW Galaxy.
Obi-Wan: Yeah, it was really bad.
Padme: Gee Obi-Wan, you sure know a lot... For a Jedi... (She looks at Obi-Wan arousingly as she licks her lips. Obi-Wan smiles.)
Obi-Wan: (Still smiling) What? Do I have food on my face?
Anakin: He hasn't been the same since I started throwing things at him with the Force.
Obi-Wan: Shut up boy!! Don't make me throw you back to your slave world!! (He smiles at Amidala.)
Padme: (Smiling) Mmmmm, such force... I like that in a man...
(Anakin gets angry and turns red).
Cut to:
Clonetroopers #54 c and 54 d
#54 c- Wasssupppppp?????!!!!!!!!
#54 d- Nothing, just fighting a war, killing some droids.
Before they leave Anakin asks about the "accident"...
*Anakin comes before the council*
Anakin: Masters, I heard obi wan talking about an "accident" that happened to me.
and I've been wondering, what is this accident?
Yoda looks at mace. then the whole council starts to laugh.
Anakin: WHAT HAPPENED???
Mace: hahahah-ask-hahaha-ask Jocasta Nu- hahahah!! she knows alot about it!!!!
everyone laughs harder.
Anakin leaves and walks over to the library.
Anakin: Master Nu? Can I ask you something?
Nu: Anything young Anakin.
Anakin: What is the "accident"?
Nu(holding back laughter): heeh hehh, come with me.
they walk into her office and a few minutes later Anakin runs out.
Anakin: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!! THAT'S SICK!!!
Nu: ahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Anakin: get away from me you twisted old hag!
Anakin runs out of the temple coming closer to the dark side
Cut back to:
As the entourage leaves the ship, Jar Jar slips and falls down the ramp.
Jar Jar: (Gets up and shakes his head.) Dat'n first step izza doozy.
Howsa ev'ryone? Ani? ANI? ANI!!!!!!
(Runs towards Anakin with his arms wide open in embrace.)
(Obi-Wan, Anakin, Jar Jar, and Senator Amidala are in a cafe).
Amidala: Is that water on your pants Ani?
Anakin: Woman! For the last time, it's Anakin, and NO, it's not water,
I peed in my pa- (Obi-Wan and Amidala laugh and smile at each other
as Anakin realizes his stupid mistake.)
Anakin: I since a disturbance in the force.
Obi Wan: Yes, like the vision has left the Universe.
Padme: Maybe its the stupid title err, I mean Sith, Yeah, the Sith that�s it.
Anakin: We must go to Palpatine's apartment. I sense trouble there!
Obi-Wan: Yeah, like that time you thought there was trouble at the Jedi Temple
and it was just a stupid fire in the Jedi Council room with everybody in it.
It's not like Yoda was GOING to die, the fire merely burnt him!
(Obi-Wan and Amidala smile at each other once more as Obi-Wan lays
his hand on hers.)
Int: Palpatine's Office
Palpy: Smithers! Bring me my robe!
Obi-Wan sets an explosive on Palpatine's door. The door explodes and OW, Anakin, Jar Jar, and Amidala rush in.
Palpy: You could have knocked, it was open.
Obi-Wan: Anakin sensed trouble.
Palpy: Trouble is, Smithers won't find me a nice robe!!
Obi-Wan glares at Anakin, then rushes to Amidala's side and they look dead on in each other's eyes...
Smithers enters carrying a dark robe (cue music: AWWWOOOOOAAAAAWWWW).
Smithers: Here's your robe, sir.
Anakin bursts in anger, whips out his lightsaber and kills Jar Jar.
Obi-Wan: Thanks. (He then looks back at Senator Amidala and their eyes are locked together once more and their lips draw nearer and nearer...)
Palpatine laughs and Obi-Wan begins making out with Amidala. Anakin passes out.
Suddenly, Smithers grabs Palpatine by the shoulders and kisses him passionately.
Palpatine: (Grabs Smithers and pushes him to the floor)
Damn you! I'm an old sexually frustrated man, but that doesn't mean I swing "that way"!
Smithers runs away with Jar Jar's dead body mumbling something. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan and Amidala stop making out.
Amidala: What is the news about Count Dooku and his Separatists?
Palpatine: It is a matter of no worry. I'm sure his clone armies will be no concern of yours... (he mumbles softly at the end.)
Amidala looks in suspicion. Obi-Wan slaps her on the butt.
Amidala: Ohh! You bad boy! Why don't you use more "FORCE" next time?"
Anakin & Palpatine: Ex squeeze me?
Palpy: Smithers! Come back here! What is that man's name?
Smithers: Uh, that's Obi-Wan Kenobi, sir. You've met him before.
Palpy: Oh, yes. Kannabibi.
Smithers: (clears throat. Mumbles) Uh, yes sir.
Anakin: (Nervously) Padme, wanna see my lightsaber?
Padme: Yes, I would.......
Anakin reaches to his belt and raises his lightsaber. Lighting it and seeing the 4 inch blade ignite, he realizes that he forgot to replace the Jedi Padawan saber
he was using when training the 4 year old Padawans.
Padme: (chuckles)
Anakin quickly turns the saber off and throws it across the room, hitting Palpy in the noggin.
Padme: "So what else it short about you?"
Anakin's face turns really red. His voice becomes really cracked and he can't say any word right. Finally he pees his pants again and runs away.
Obi-Wan: Ahhh, kids these days...
Padme: Now how about your lightsaber...
Obi-Wan pulls it out, turns it on, then turns it off. Meanwhile, the stench of Jar Jar's dead body fills the air.
Later on Padme and Anakin meet in Padme's apartment.
Anakin: "What makes boys different from girls?"
Padme: "Oh, geez. Don't the Jedi teach you anything? All right."
*She takes Anakin into her bedroom and closes the door. Funky music starts playing*
*After about 20 minutes Anakin rushes out of the room with an excited expression on his face*
Anakin: "Wow, having sleep-overs, playing truth-or-dare, and secretly talking about other Jedi's relationships is so much fun! I wish I was a girl!"
*Just at this time Obi-Wan happens to enter Padme's apartment (for reasons which might be secret from us) and he hears Anakin's remark*
Obi-Wan: "Anakin! How many times have I told you, you do not want to be a girl! For one, you would make a really ugly girl!
Trust me, I know about these things. And secondly, girls are terrible at using the Force!"
*At this time Luminara Unduli also happens to come over to Padme's apartment (Also for reasons that shall remain a secret from us)*
Luminara Unduli: "What was that, Obi-Wan?"
Obi-Wan: "Oh, @#$%! Umm, quick, look behind you!"
*Luminara looks behind herself*
*Obi-Wan uses the Force speed to run away at that time*
Anakin quickly runs after Obi-Wan but trips. An hour later, Anakin and Obi-Wan are rejoined with Padme.
Padme: I think Palpatine was UP to something.
Obi-Wan: I know who else is up to something... (He looks Padme in the eyes).
Anakin: ALRIGHT, you guessed it. I already made myself a girl...
Obi-Wan: NOT YOU!! AND EEEOOOW, THAT'S SICK!!!!!
*Palps comes over and intrudes their conversation*
Palpatine: "Yes, that's right. Me and Anakin are in love and none of you can stop it."
Obi-Wan: "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!!!!! Anakin! I'm telling the council about this!"
Padme: "Sorry, Anakin. I guess I'm to blame for your situation. I just liked playing a tease with you."
Anakin: "Well, I found true love now."
*At this moment Palpatine embraces Anakin and kisses him passionately*
Smithers: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
At that moment, Smither's pulls out a shotgun and begins firing at Anakin, but misses and hits Jar Jar as he suddenly came back to life.
Meanwhile, Obi-Wan and Amidala begin making out again. Anakin and the old, crusty, Palpatine, do the same.
And that night, Obi-Wan and Amidala made pottery together. (ghost). Suddenly, Smithers bursts back into the room in a black clock with a lightsaber.
"My name is Smithers, the charismatic separatist. I am the one you call, COUNT DOOKU!! I have come to reclaim Palpatine as mine,
and call upon my clone armies!!"
Palpatine: Not you Smithers. You can't be Count Dooku with the clone armies. (Palpatine talks flatly as Obi-Wan and Anakin draw their lightsabers.)
Suddenly Jar Jar comes back to life again and tries to get out of the room before anyone else tries to kill him,
but he trips up over his ears and in the confusion chokes on his tongue.
Then, Smithers/CountDooku/DarthTyrannus, Obi-Wan and Anakin engage in a battle. Amidala watches and laughes at the pitiful Anakin.
Anakin once again pulls out his 4 inch lightsaber and gets his arm cut off.
Suddenly, Smithers stops.
Smithers: HA HA, I'm taking your girlfriend, Obi-Wan with me to Tatooine!! Aw crap, why do I always give my location away!!??
Smithers grabs Amidala and runs to his ship. Anakin, (who's getting a piggyback ride from Palpatine), Obi-Wan and Palpatine run after him.
Jar Jar alive again: "Ousa, mesa head isa hurtin'."
Obi-Wan: "Fine, Jar Jar, I'll relieve you of your pain."
*He takes his lightsaber and chops off Jar Jars head*
*Jar Jar's head rolls over the floor. Then it's face explodes to reveal young Obi-Wan*
(Enter Yoda. To Obi-Wan): The goo! Remember your failure with the orange goo!
As Obi-Wan stands there in shock, Smither's ship blasts off to Tatooine.
Anakin/Palpatine, grab Obi-Wan and get on another ship. The three blast off and follow Smithers.
*Jar Jar comes back to life once again somehow*
Jar Jar: "What's with thisa messa here?"
Palpatine: "Can't you die already?!"
*Palps uses the Force lightning on Jar Jar*
Finally nothing is left of Jar Jar but a pile of ashes.
Suddenly everyone who left come back and see the permanently dead Jar Jar. They congratulate Palpatine and carry him out in their arms.
The Republic is in great celebration. There are parades everywhere and Palpatine is hailed as the new hero.
The Palpatine quickly gets back on the ship with his lover Anakin, and Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: So how'd you learn how to use that force-lightning. I hear only Sith can do that.
Palpatine: Uhh, I learned that at Senator's school.
Obi-Wan: Oh, that's cool. At least your not a Sith or anything. (Obi-Wan and Anakin begin to laugh.)
Palpatine: Actually I am.
Obi-Wan: Oh, that's cool.
(cut to INTERIOR: CLONING BAY #1)
...enter Captain Boozoo (played as a cameo by Rick McCallum)
We see him checking the tanks one by one to make sure the cloning process is completing properly.
CAPTAIN BOOZO: They will never be able to stop my clone army! Bwa Ha HA! I was able to get a piece of skin from the hero of the Battle Of Naboo,
and have created the greatest group of warriors ever known!
CAMERA ZOOMS IN OVER CAPTAIN BOOZO'S SHOULDER TO FOCUS ON THE BODY IN THE TANK. IT IS JAR JAR.
CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO A WIDE SHOT, SHOWING THOUSANDS OF TANKS FILLED WITH JAR JAR CLONES.
Sidious comes over to the cloning facility to check on the progress.
Sidious: "These aren't the clones I ordered ,you bozo!"
Boozoo: "Yes, you called me?"
Palpatine: "Your incompetence will not go unpunished."
*Palpatine uses the Force to raise captain Boozoo and slam him against the wall. Then he Foce chokes Boozoo*
Sidious: "Hmm, maybe I can use these Jar Jar clones to my advantage."
Meanwhile, we fine that Smithers has killed Shmi, (who married some Lars dude and had a bunch of kids),
and Anakin beats the crap out of Smithers before he got away. Before long, Anakin and Obi-Wan leave to Couroscant with Amidala at hand.
They wish to meet with Palpatine. They soon will find that Palpatine is mysteriously on Geonosis,
the same planet that Smithers was headed to.
Amidala: i ah have to go up to ah my room to get something Obi-Wan can you come up here with me *says this licking her lips*
Obi-Wan: sure
Anakin: can i help?
Obi-Wan and Amidala simultaneously: NO!
A half an hour passes and Anakin goes up to Amidala�s apartment about ready to open the door when he hears
Obi-Wan: Who�s your Jedi??
Sidious: "Rise, my Jar Jar's!"
Jar Jar's: "Mesa, poodu, exquezeen, okyday, bombad, supa."
Sidious: "Enough! Shut up already!"
Jar Jar's: "Mesa humble apologies."
Sidious: "If I use these clones for battle then no army will be able to withstand their annoyingness!
Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha! We shall start mobilizing the troops to Geonosis."
Meanwhile, at Padme's apartment.
*Anakin rushes the door and to his astonishment finds Obi-Wan and Padme... playing twister*
Anakin: "You didn't invite me? Obi-Wan, how could you?"
Obi-Wan: "Man, you're so annoying. I wish Qui-Gon didn't die so he could be the one training you."
Padme: "I think I'll go take a shower. Obi-Wan, could you come with me? I might need some help rubbing my back."
*Padme and Obi-Wan leave for the bathroom*
*Anakin is left standing alone in the room*
*suddenly Qui-Gon's spirit appears*
Anakin: "Qui-Gon, it's you!"
*He runs to Qui-Gon to hug him but instead runs right through him and hits the wall*
Obi-Wan (muffled voice): "Could you keep it down, Anakin, we're a little busy in here!"
Qui-Gon: "Anakin... You have a destiny to fulfill... You will need extensive training in the Force... You will go to Palpatine to learn the ways of the dark side...
No, Anakin don't listen! Run!!!!"
*A shot is heard. Qui-Gon's spirit falls to the floor and there we see behind him Lord Bane's spirit with a gun*
Bane: "Do as Qui-Gon said. Go to Palpatine."
*Before leaving Bane's spirit stuck his head through the bathroom door*
Bane: "Wooohooo!"
*And Bane's spirit disappears*
Obi-Wan: "I think I heard something."
Padme: "It's probably Anakin again."
Meanwhile Yoda and Mace Windu receive some disturbing news via hologram.
Anakin (applying lipstick)- We're off to Geonosis to find the Supreme Chancellor over and out.
Yoda- Good thing army of Jar Jar's we had made.
Mace- Hell yeah, we'll pick up the clones and the other Jedi and meet up on Geonosis. Quick to the Jedimobile!
Jar Jar #4523: Mesa drivin'!!!
Jar Jar #5834: No, Mesa drivin'!!!
Jar Jar #7937: Shotgun!!!
Sidious: Don't make me turn this ship around.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na- na-na-na-na-na-na-na!
Batman! I mean... Jedi!
Poles: "We'r-re tir-red of people sliding down us."
Meanwhile Obi-Wan and Padme were already able to get to Geonosis, with Anakin following them around.
Obi-Wan: "Anakin, would you please stop following us. You're freakin us out."
*A pack of Geonosians surrounds them*
Obi-Wan: "Great! This is all your fault, Anakin!"
*They are imprisoned and brought to Smithers/Dooku/Tyranus*
Obi-Wan: "Oh, it's only you Smithers."
S/D/T: "Silence. What are you doing here?"
Padme: "We were looking to go to Hawaii, but got lost. Anakin was not supposed to be with us, so you can keep him and we'll leave."
S/D/T: "OK."
Anakin: "No, Obi-Wan, don't leave me! I'll promise never to put any make-up on! Obi-Waaaaaan!!!"
*ObiWan and Padme leave*
S/D/T: "Come, Anakin, I'll take you to your new master."
Sidious: "Hello, Anakin."
Anakin: "I don't know you. Who are you?"
Sidious: "It is I Palpatine!"
*Anakin is very happy to see his lover again*
Meanwhile Obi-Wan and Padme got caught in the arena with a bunch of other Jedi that were following them to spy on them. They are fending off super battle droids.
Palpy: Release the robotic Richard Simmons!
Simmons: C'mon girls, let's get those knees up! Okay, everybody, sing it with me!
"It's fun to be in the AOTC. It's fun to be in the AOTC!"
Yoda: Of the dark side that thing is. Destroy it we must!
Mace: It's...just...too...gay!
Anakin: Hmm, nice spandex.
Padme is poised for action in her white jumpsuit.
She pulls a lightsaber out from her cleavage and ignites it. It has a pink blade.
OBIWAN: I've got a bad feeling about this...
PADME: Yeah, I heard your crack back there about female Jedi. We'll see who gets to kick some REEK butt today.
ANAKIN: (just catching up) Hey! How come your lightsaber is bigger than mine?
OBIWAN: EVERYONE's lightsaber is bigger than yours...
ANAKIN: even Yoda's?
OBIWAN AND PADME TOGETHER: Even Yoda�s!
ANAKIN: can I get a pink lightsaber too?
Obi-Wan: "Yeah, it's in that Reek's mouth. Why don't you get it."
Anakin: "Oh, boy, thanks Obi-Wan. Aaahsjhddjadhvjchvc!!!!!!!!"
Padme: "Oh, great the Reek just mangled Anakin."
Obi-Wan: "Try not to pay any attention."
Padme: "OK."
Anakin: "Help. I'm in great pain. Obi-Wan, help."
Obi-Wan: "Can't you see I'm fighting. I have no time to help you. Plus how many times have I told to to say 'please' when asking for something!"
*Anakin finds his way to the edge of the arena*
Suddenly, the Jar Jars enter the arena and Anakin runs away to the old crusty Palpatine.
Obi-Wan take Padme and escape from the arena where they begin having great "fun" at Padme's apartment.
Suddenly, Padme's family enters the room right as she's making out with Obi-Wan.
Padme: MOM! DAD!!
Obi-Wan throws on his pants and runs out to the docking bay to find Jango and his son Boba Fett waiting for him.
Jango: I've been waiting for you Obi-Wan...
Obi-Wan: Where've I heard that before... Oh, right, that was in the classic trilogy. (He says as he pulls out the script.)
Suddenly Mace falls out of nowhere, does a summer-salt in mid-air, ignites his lightsaber and chops off Jango's head on landing.
Mace: "That's the end of that chapter."
Boba Fett: "You, bastard! You killed my clone father!"
Mace grabs Boba, throws him into Slave 1 and using the Force starts the ship and puts it on auto-pilot to fly to Dantooine.
Obi-Wan: "Thanks, Mace."
Mace: "No problemo."
And Mace flew off into the sunset.
as mace is flying up he yells up up and away and then wwwooooooooooooooooooooossssssssssshhhhhhhh!
he looks down at obi-wan to see how he is doing and when he turns around he runs right into the side of a spacecraft
Little did Mace know, but that same sunset was being used by the Naboo to make their shiny Senatorial Starship look cool as they approached Coruscant...
Cutting to a scene on Geonosis with S/D/T fighting Yoda.
S/D/T: "Defend yourself, shorty!"
Yoda grabs a dead corpse of a Jar Jar clone and starts swinging it at S/D/T. Then Yoda used the Force to make the dead clone come back to life.
Jar Jar: "Mesa, poodu, watchin' doin'?"
S/D/T: "Oh, no not that!"
Jar Jar: "Exqueezin, okyday, pow mesa here. Mesa gettin' bery bery scared."
S/D/T: "Noooooo. I'm melting.... Melting..."
And S/D/T melts and leaves a huge puddle on the floor.
Yoda kicked the Jar JAr clone and he falls into the puddle.
Yoda: "Lick it up!"
Jar Jar: "But mesa doin' notin!"
Yoda grabs Jar Jar and throws him out the window.
as the clone falls threw the window Anakin is walking by and it lands on top of him with Anakin lying face down and jar jar on top of him
Anakin: o obi-wan you sly devil you. i love you now i know you love me!
Obi-Wan:oh my god!
as this happens obi wan vomits all over the ground
Obi-Wan: oh my gosh, the clones are of Jar Jar!! May Yoda help us all!!...
*Obi-Wan uses the force to call to Yoda*
OW: Master, I need your help. The clones are of Jar Jar Binks!
Yoda: Now is not the time, Obi-Wan. On the can, am I.
OW: Well, can you at least do something cool like force push something?
Yoda: *voice fading* Remember, Obi-Wan, it's c-o-u-r-s-e, not c-o-r-c-e.
OW: A lot of good that'll do me! I know how to spell!
*****Cut to Dooku talking to Palpy via hologram*****
Palp: /looking away from hologram to someone in his room/ ...so that's why they call them "Ewoks", they're really cute if you lo- Oh, Lord Tyrannus, welcome.
Dooku: Yes, sir. Thank you sir.
Obi-Wan is tired of teaching Anakin so he decided to get rid of him by forcing Anakin to marry Padme
and then telling the Jedi Council about their marriage, so then Anakin will be kicked out of the Jedi Order.
Padme: "Obi-Wan, I feel a disturbance within me"
Obi-Wan: "Rancor-burgers for lunch again?"
Padme: "No. I think I am with child"
Obi-Wan: "That's impossible. We never got past second base."
*Anakin starts whistling and backing away.
Obi-Wan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! To my recollection, we DID in fact pass second heavily,
therefore if it's twins, one of them has to mine!! The other is Anakin's.
Padme: What? You accusing me of bein' some two bit whore?
Actually I joined a surrogate clone program and am going to have 2 baby Jar Jars!
Obi-Wan: Mmmmmm, yeah. And as for the Jar Jar babies. Give them to Anakin. We can always get more...
(Obi-Wan and Amidala smile at each other once again.) NO! I won't be taken in by temptation woman!!
Back away!! (Obi-Wan pulls out his lightsaber and slashes at Amidala. Amidala is quickly saved by Anakin,
who quickly turned his on. They begin to fight over the molten pit.)
Obi-Wan: Don't do it Anakin, don't get into a long term relationship with that woman!! (Obi-Wan then pushes Anakin into a molten pit and takes Amidala home.)
Amidala: Thanks for rescuing me Obi-Wan. Anakin has now died, but deserved it, because he turned evil...
Anakin is not dead but unseen hanging by his teeth to a rock just over the edge......
his legs and arm have been vaporized by contact with the molten lava.....
In walks Palpy...
Palpy: Anakin Skywalker, I see that you are now no good for a lover, therefore I will make you my slav....eh....ummm.....apprentice.
Anakin: No you'll never turn me to the dark side!
Palpy: But when you join the Dark Side you get a cool red lightsaber like this one. <>.
Anakin: hmmmm.....any size I want?
Palpy: of course, Young Skywalker, any size you want.
Anakin: YIPPEE!!
<<< MUSICAL NUMBER>>>
To the tune "I'd Do Anything" from the Musical OLIVER!
ANAKIN
PALPATINE: Hey there Anakin,
I need you Anakin,
For I'll be Emperor with you.
You know that
Sith rule, Anakin,
With you now, Anakin,
The damn fools, nevermore will be.
BOBA FETT: Be a Sith instead!
PALPATINE: Anakin!
BOBA FETT: Revenge my father's head!
PALPATINE: Anakin!
BOBA FETT: Make the Jedi dead!
PALPATINE: Anakin!
BOBA FETT: Fall in molten lead?
PALPATINE: What? Not so fast...
Try this Anakin,
She won't miss -- Anakin.
She fools you Anakin!
BOBA FETT: Anakin!
PALPATINE: Anakin's - no fool!
BOBA FETT: ANAKIN, you do everything you saw him do, and I'll tell you all
the words you don't know, all right?
ANAKIN: I am Anakin
BOBA FETT: You should fear,
ANAKIN: You should fear, Anakin
BOBA FETT: They WILL fear,
ANAKIN: They WILL fear Anakin you'll see.
I know that
The name Anakin,
'S-not quite right, ...Anakin,
so it's "Darth Anakin" I'll be.
PALPATINE: Would you be real mean?
ANAKIN: Anything!
PALPATINE: Like I've never seen?
ANAKIN: Anything!
PALPATINE: using red- not green?
ANAKIN: Anything!
PALPATINE: Destroy Tatooine?
ANAKIN: We'll my mother's there...
Her son Anakin
Cho-sen one -- Anakin --
Will not run - Anakin!
PALPATINE: Anakin?
ANAKIN: Anakin -he's cool!
PALPATINE: Come on, Tyranus!
TYRANUS: Would you forget Qui-Gon?
ALL: Anakin!
TYRANUS: Make JarJar be gone?
ALL: Anakin!
TYRANUS: Destroy Obi-Wan?
ALL: Anakin!
TYRANUS: The Dark side has won!
ALL: Here's Anakin!
We'll fight fire with fire
To raise up - our Empire.
PALPATINE: Yes, you'll do. Anakin!
TYRANUS: Anakin?
ANAKIN: Anakin that's me!
Anakin: Yo lets go blast the heck outta obi, man hez such a loser.
Palpy: I agree, we shall go kick his butt.
Slowly, Paplatine raises Anakin from the pit.
Anakin: Master, I'm having a hard time breathing. (Wheeze,wheezee)
I think I need a breathing device, also may I have a black leather bodysuit?
(Wheeze, wheeze)
I think that'd be kinky!
(Wheeze, gasp, wheeze)
Suddenly, Jar Jar dances into the room!
Palpy: Here, take this inhaler. And meanwhile, just throw on a mask of some sort and maybe it'll do the trick.
Anakin picks up a helmet from no where, and puts it on.
Anakin: Hey, it works!! Mmmm, my body itches too...
Palpy: Here, just put on this leather suit. (Palpy pulls it out of no where and Anakin puts it on.) Jedi tunics are more itchy than Sith leather...
Anakin: Now, lets go get Obi-Wan and his girlfriend Amidala.
Suddenly, Smithers jumps out of no where.
Smithers: All right, before you become the new Sith Apprentice, you'll have to go through me.
(Anakin and Smithers go at it and Palpatine falls asleep. Meanwhile, Jar Jar suffers for days in the molten pit before dying.)
Anakin force pushes Smithers over the side of the cliff.
Anakin: (muffled voice) I don't sound very good in this helmet, what about that?
Palpatine: Very well, my young apprentice, I shall give you a vocoder that will make you sound like a black man with a deep bass tone.
Anakin: WIZARD!!!
Before long, Anakin now known as Darth Vader, (they drew names out of a hat,) and Palpatine left to find Obi-Wan and his lover Amidala.
On the way they got bored and just started killing all these Jedi. Then from out of no where, Boba came to help.
Then, the Republic ran out of money suddenly, and just fell over and died.
With that, the Empire reigned over the dead Republic, and a few Rebel leaders led the way for the newly arisen Rebellion.
Amidala had a bunch of kids, but only two survived: Luke and Leia who were twins.
Each were split, (Leia to Alderaan, Luke to Tatooine), because whoever made them do it was cruel and wanted them to suffer
not knowing their parents or siblings.
General Obi-Wan Kenobi then became poor and just decided to live on Tatooine. He also changed his name to Ben for no reason at all.
Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine were soon wed, but got a divorce stating that "long term relationships don't work".
Yoda went on to make a t-shirt selling business but failed, so he left discouragingly to Dagobah.
Jar Jar was immediately cloned two last times, only to be burned horribly in the process.
THE END
Star Wars
Episode III: Attack of Darth Vader
The clone wars have passed, and the old Republic is crumbling.
Emporor Palpatine, Darth Vader, the New Order and it's clone armies have been viciously trying to take over the Republic.
Now, as the Stormtroopers terrorize the universe, it is up to the few remaining Jedi,
Obi-Wan, and his lover Amidala to save the universe from total destruction and tyranny...
The camera pans across a star field and a space yacht flies into view... It is Padme and Obi-Wan�s Love Boat
and they are on their way to Fantasy Planet.
They land and are met by a Millionaire midget, M'ightyme, and his side comedy side Kick, I'fOnlyMe.
M'ightyme: Yes master Jedi We have been expecting you... ever since the Jedi Master NonKin Puddlespasher reserved a room for you.
Obi-Wan: Master who?
M'ightyme: uh, Puddleplasher...
Padme and Obi-Wan look at each other and then at M'ightyme
Padme: but we told no one we are coming
Obi-Wan: yes, we need to get away from saving the galaxy for a couple of days...
Padme: I have a bad feeling about this one...
Suddenly, out of no where, Jar Jar clones come running from the sides of the building. Smithers is standing in front of them.
Obi-Wan: It has been a long time, Smithers...
Smithers: Yes it has indeed.
OW: I thought you were dead. What do you want?
Smithers: I have a proposition to make. After escaping the molten pit unharmed, I gathered part of Palpy's clone army that was still loyal to me.
I plan to attack the New Order, kill Anakin, and get my Palpy back! I want you to help me.
Together we can defeat the evil Darth Vader and the rest of the New Order.
OW: So after you've killed Vader, defeated Palpy's clone armies, what will you do, and what will you do to us?
Smithers: Together, me and Palpy shall live a full life together... We shall live in peace with 4 chil-
Uh, er, I mean, so will you help me or not?
OW: How can I trust you? (Smithers only smiled.) Okay, my WIFE, Amidala and I shall help you.
cut to palp's office.
Palpatine is on the couch eating chips. He is now 200 pounds over weight and hasn't gone to the imperial senate meetings in over a year.
Palp: Anakin! where's my dinner, woman?
Anakin: fix it yourself! you don't love me!
Palp: (sigh) here we go again!
and 47 children are crawiling on the floor and on name tyson bites palpy on the ankle
Palpy: Hey woman!! Get your butt in here!! I gotsa question!! (Darth Vader treads into the room).
Vader: What?
Palpy: Don't we got a war to fight? I thought there are still some remnants of the Old Republic, the Jedi, and that Obi-wan character who stole your woman.
(Palpy starts oozing fat out of his belly button. He looks exactly like Jabba the Hutt except at the head... EXACTLY).
Obi-win: I want a cheeseburger
Taylor_man: coming right up
Suddenly, the giant donut eats Harry and his little friends, leaving Mary all alone in the building of WomaGogmensulration...
Amidala is sunbathing on the beach (completely nude "of corce") Jar Jar #786 is rubbing tanning oil all over her body. Obi-Wan walks up to them.
Obi-Wan: Aren�t you going to help Smithers?
Amidala: YES! After I'm done here Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: I've asked you a hundred times to call me Al or Burt or Kyle anything but Obi-Wan. Everyone teases me because of my silly name.
Amidala: Fine I'll call you... Ben, after my favorite comedian Ben Stiller.
Obi-Wan: Ben who?
Amidala: Never mind. (She turns to Jar Jar #786 and slaps him on the butt) Don't stop big stud. Rub harder.
cut to Bail Origana house on Alderaan
Bail (who still lives with his mom) is discussing what sould be done about the war.
Bail: This war has gone on just long enough!
Mon Mothma: you'd think a war with an old guy and some droids would end quicker.
Bail: yeah I know, that's why I'm suggesting that we-
Bail's Mom: Baily! Baily!
Bail: what?
Bail's Mom: did you mow the lawn like I asked?
Bail: yes, mother
Bail's mom: and who's that young lady you're talking to?
Bail: she's a senator mother.
Bail's mom: of course she is, that and I'm the pope!
Bail(to mon): don't mind her she's just crazy, (like Norman bates[psycho])but don't we all get little crazy sometimes?
Mon: right. anyway you were saying?
Bail: right, I think we should create a weapon of mass destruction.
Mon: and where would we get the funding for a project like this?
Bail: I think you know the answer to that
Mon: Palpatine!
Bail: right now we'll leave but first why don't you take a shower?
Mon: sweet! I've never had that luxury like that before.
Bail(holding his nose): yeah I've noticed
Meanwhile, on the distant planet, Kashyyyk, a Wookiee mother suckles her son.
"OW!!! I'm going to call you "Chewy"
meanwhile....
CUT TO: INTERIOR OF TRANSPORT
TICKET TAKER: ma'am, I'll need your tickets please.
WOMAN: (hands tickets to man) Here.
TICKET TAKER: Going all the way to Correllia are you? Be careful. I've heard there are space pirates in that neck of the woods.
WOMAN: We will be. Thank-You.
(notices her son is trying to steal a gun from the holster of the man in front of him)
Han Dantooine Solo! You put down that blaster RIGHT NOW!
HAN: Aw mommmmmmm!
WOMAN: If your daddy was still alive I'd have him feed you to a Gundark...
CAMERA PANS TO A MAN AND A BOY SITTING RIGHT BEHIND MRS.SOLO AND HAN.
BOY: Dad, when are we going to get to Kimono?
MAN: It's KAMINO son, not Kimono. Kimonos are a traditional outfit worn by the Japanese.
BOY: What's a Japanese?
MAN: Didn't they teach you anything in that clone boarding school Bobby?
BOBBY: It's BOBA dad. It sounds cooler.
MAN: Okay BOBA then. We should be there within the hour.
BOBA: I hope there are some cool kids to play with there...
meanwhile Ben and Padme finally take off.
Padme: where are the droids?
Ben: droids?
Padme: you know, 3p0 and r2.
Ben: I do?
Padme: (sigh) the trash can that says "beep" and the metal guy who says "wonderful"...
Ben: Ah yes good ol' 3pr and o2.
Padme: I hope you take care of this memory problem.
Obi-Wan: "Got it. Take care of their memory problem."
Padme: "Umm, that's not what I said."
Obi-Wan: "Their memory problem."
Some time passes and they get really bored while in hyperspace.
Padme: "Ohh, I hate this! Why do we have to turn Anakin to the light side again?"
Obi-Wan: "I don't know. Yoda says it would balance out the force."
Padme: "But what damage could he possibly do with his 4 inch lightsaber?!"
OBIWAN GOES INTO FLASHBACK MODE AFTER PADME ASKS HIM ABOUT THE DROIDS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OBI WAN wanders aimlessly around the city.
A flanneled man is sitting on the ground with his arms and legs crossed reciting a mantra: THX, THX, THX. He must have said it 1138 times!
OBI WAN: I need to have these droids memory wiped.
GORGE LUKUSS: How will you pay for it?
OBI WAN: I have 13 republic credits...
GORGE: I don't take credits. Only money.
OBI WAN: Credits will do fine...
GORGE: What you think you are a Jedi or something? Mind tricks don't work on.... Credits will do fine. (stares into space)
OBI WAN: Get to it then.
GORGE: Payment due -- in advance.
(OBI WAN PAYS HIM)
GORGE: Yes. Here, put this helmet on. You know, the one that looks like a giant salad bowl? And then I will connect the other end here to the little droid.
(some lights blink, and both OW and R2 make strange noises)
GORGE: All done. Now for the gold one. (Takes a big magnet and waves it in front of 3PO's face) All done. Thanks for the business.
OBI WAN WALKS AWAY WITH A BLANK STARE.
R2-D2 BEGINS TO LEVITATE AND FORCE LIGHTNING STREAMS OUT OF ONE OF HIS PORTS.
IT APPEARS THAT THE STRANGER HAS TRANSPORTED OBI'S MIND INTO THE DROID, LEAVING OBI'S MIND CLEAN AS A SLATE.
3PO IS ALSO WIPED PRETTY CLEAN, BUT SOME RANDOM MEMORIES REMAIN.
3P0: R2 says... "Umm, Padme. It appears that I'm now shorter than you."
Padme: "Oh, great. Now I have to make out with a droid. Oh, well, I guess I'll just turn mindless Obi-Wan into my slave now."
3P0: R2 says... "Be gentle with my body please... We have to call back that Gorge character, I can't be taken seriously by any Sith now."
PADME: 3PO, please stop translating. I don't want to hear this droid's babbling anymore.
A mindless, Obi-Wan, huh? He would be under my complete control. He won't remember anything. He would be my slave.
I could even make him think he's the father, and baby-sit my kids for free...
OBI-WAN: Baby-sit kids....
PADME: Yes, we never have to tell anyone about this. They'll just think that R2 is a feisty little droid.
No one will ever figure out he has some Jedi powers. The mind control must have stayed with the dummy Obi Wan though,
or R2 would have done something with it by now.
I think I'll call him "Ben" as in "Has-Been" but with only one "e".
Well little droid.... If you think you can trick me into thinking that some old man in a flannel shirt transferred Obi...
I mean BEN's mind into your circuits, you assume too much...
OBI-WAN: Assume too much...
R2-D2: BEEP BOOP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
PADME: We will have to teach him enough that he won't appear to be a complete moron though. Okay Ben, repeat after me...
"The Mace in space will put you in your place."
OBI-WAN: Mace, Space, Place....
PADME: I think he's got it!
PADME: HMmmmm... I really did like Ani before he turned bad. Maybe Ben here can help me clear his reputation.
No one else but us knows that he turned into Darth Vader.
Now Ben, do you remember Anakin?
BEN: Anakin....
PADME: Yes, Anakin. He was one of the best Pilots you ever knew. He was a good friend. You fought along side him in the Clone Wars.
BEN: Good Friend. Clown Wars...
PADME: NO- CLONE WARS! Anyway, here is a lightsaber I picked up off of some Jedi with dreadlocks who got killed in the arena.
I want you to give this to my son if I ever have one, and tell him that it belonged to his father and that he wanted him to have it.
BEN: Father wanted him to have it...
PADME: And if you ever leave me, you must live alone in the desert with no woman companionship, understood?
BEN: Live alone.... no woman....
PADME: Good.
BEN: I've got a bad feeling about this.
PADME: What did you say?!
-----cut to palp's house.
Palp: Vader! Vader!
Vader: I have sensed a tremor in the force, obi wan is coming.
Palp: Company? You haven't cleaned this place in weeks!
Vader: I must face him, alone.
Palp: fine by me but be sure to come back.
Vader: fine but now it's strictly business.
Palp: fine. But could you take all these kids with you? they're really starting to creep me out.
Kid #13: I see dead people.
Vader: Ugh! ok but you have to loose 200 pounds.
Palp: Bull crap!
Vader: Take it or leave it.
Palp: you drive a hard bargain Vader, I like that in a man....
Vader: STRICTLY BUSSINESS.
Palp: oh right. deal.
Vader gathers his kids and walks down to get into his Star Destroyer.
next you see palpy on a step master listening to richird simions
simons: move those legs ladies!
Palpatine: "Oh, hell! I'll just get the blasted liposuction!"
he is about to leave when bail and mon come to they door.
Bail: hiya palp.
Palp: well if isn't beetle baily and mon-something-something, I was just heading out to.....um....do the food shopping.
Mon: you'd think that your body fat would last you a while- I mean....um tell him about our new project.
Bail: We're thinking of creating a weapon of mass destuction to end this war.
Palp: nothing evil, right?
Mon: of "corce" not
Palp: drat! I mean- just take the money and lock the door on your way out.
bail: right.
palp leaves.
Bail: "Ha, we'll leave these wrong plans to Palpatine. They have a fatal flaw in them where a one man fighter
can launch a proton torpedo down its exhaust pipe and destroy the whole station."
Bail takes the money out of Palpatine's drawer and on the way out he also grabs one of Palpatine's statues.
Mon: "Do we really need that, Bail?"
Bail: "Quiet, woman!"
mon: also couldn't we have not told him about this? we could have gotten the money from the jedi.
Bail:.....quiet woman!
Suddenly Bail realized that he forgot to lock the door like Papy asked him.
Bail: "I must go back."
Mon: "No, Bail, don't please!"
Bail: "But I must. I have left something undone."
Mon: "You mean you forgot to zip up your fly?"
Bail: "That and I didn't lock Palpatine's appartment."
Bail comes back to Palpy's quarters and as he is about to shut the door he notices something hanging out of the closet.
Bail opens the closet and to his astonishment it is a black cloak that has "SITH" written in giant white letters on the back.
Bail: "What could this possibly mean? Oh, well."
And Bail throws the cloak back into the closet. He walks out and locks the door.
cut to the jedi temple.
Yoda: and then told him, did i, bring balance to the force by turning to the dark side he would.
Mace: ahahahaha!! that's great!
(sigh) so what are you doing now that you're on your break from the clone wars?
Yoda: go to my summer house on dagobah, I will.
Mace: man who ever talked you into buying that place is a pro.
HOME