I think I was a pretty happy child when things were quiet on the home front, my brother and sisters are all a lot older than me so I spent a lot of time by myself, I still do now - I am just not a party animal!
I don't know when I started to hurt myself on purpose, I think when I was in junior school around 9/10 years old. I started by pinching and hitting myself to get bruises. I'm not even sure why I started. Maybe it was because I'd just moved schools and left all my friends behind. I know that I used to hate my body, I still do now. I went to dance school which was as close to a bi-weekly torture session as anything I have ever known. I hated it there and I didn't fit in.
As I started highschool it became more difficult to hide the bruises and marks on my arms and legs because of having to do games and PE, instead I began scratching my stomach and the tops of my arms and legs where they wouldn't be spotted by people. This wasn't because I was ashamed of what I was doing but because I didn't want people to think I was doing it for attention. I wasn't, not then and not now!
I soon progressed from scratches to compasses and anything with a point or jagged edge. Cutting became a release for me. A way to show how much I hated my body and myself. It allowed me to vent my feelings of anger and depression and gave me something in my life I had control over. People think that cutting hurts but it doesn't not when your used to it. It gives you a rush and for a moment when you are poised with blade or needle over your skin you actually feel peace because you know you are about to get some release.
Well, that's pretty much it. none of my offline friends know my secret, neither do my family. I'm not ashamed of it, people who smoke are hurting themselves and others in the progress, the same with people who take drugs or who over eat or under eat. Everyone is abusing their body in some way, and I'm just like everyone else. If you met me on the street you wouldn't know that I cut if you spent time getting to know me and talking to me you'd never guess. I like it that way.
~PinkSpidder~