stream of conscious longing
 

that baritone booming bass reverberating and sending my flesh into sympathetic pulses of an impure nature so i feel so fine and smile with remembrance of images of your young firm flesh long ago and i laugh out loud and trace the outline of my nipple and think of you and wonder about you and think that i'd probably scare you if i told you any of this as you never did understand that i always knew we'd never marry and that we should just have a good time but you were into that one girl one boy thing and didn't want us both silly boy i've always wanted more than one and yes i share my life with someone completely but i doubt you understand as you need to own or need to be sure the seed is yours or something my love what love and friendship you have missed along the way i'm sure that you must consider me a whore as i was certainly not your virgin but i'm neither and i found a man who understands that and who loves me and whose ashes will mix with mine in time in places we both love but that doesn't mean there isn't more to love before we die and god i'd love to thrill you again and again but i guess i'll just send you a letter and say a laurie anderson "hi how are you how's your work" kind of birthday greeting from year to year and let you fill my fantasies from time to time as i loved you once and i don't believe time is linear so it's still there the love is still there along with the lust and the hurt but thank god i don't have to feel that hurt any more and i know we could still feel the love for a moment or a day but i'm not certain you would understand and you might hurt me again and that wouldn't feel good at all so i don't offer but it is such a pity so i guess i'll just bake a pie or wave a flag or something or write about  noblesse oblige or the pompous new age noble savagery or other ideas i'd love to discuss with you and will probably never have the chance and lord it's a pity that i think you'd look down on another woman you lust for other than your wife if she asked you to fuck because it would be so good i know it would or i knew it once but what did i know i was alone and god i want to touch you and i'm not sure if it was you or i who foolishly didn't when we might have and at times i swear i can feel you trace sweet beads of sweat down my swanlike throat and across the hollow of my collarbone with lips and tongue and the beard i've never felt and it seems so real and it might be real but for reality damn reality