Brixton Academy,
12 August 1995
The Voice of Reason
John Squire has enormous talent but struggles to handle the fame thrust upon him, and is likely to eventually emigrate to Paraguay. There he will find happiness and modest fame as a guitar soloist on hospital radio, before becoming assistant advisor to the government on the building of snow ornaments.
Ian Brown was born with a reservoir of indefinable cool but has reached a point where the reservoir is drained by at least half a pint every time he opens his mouth. He will eventually ask to have his lips sealed together with molten lava, then spend the rest of life in a cave in Devon doing research on why pears mould so quickly.
Mani clearly enjoys a challenge and - after turning his back on music - seems certain to opt for a career in the Post Office where he will set a world record for sticking stamps to envelopes using only the sweat between his toes as moisture.
Nigel 'Aye-Aye' Ipinson is good with his hands and I sense that he will soon change his name to Rory McLeod, become a professional snooker player and climb to No 321 in the world, reaching the televised stages of the LG Cup and Regal Welsh.
Gareth Gates: My otter baiting shame
Europe and Asia unite for Africa cover
Baha mystery solved?
Telly Savalas 'seen letting dogs out'
Midge Ure touring European capitals for fresh ideas
Ant and Dec split up, but will continue to work together