mystory

Birth: I was born August 9th, 1978 into a Christian family. My family would soon consist of three boys, two girls, a miss-carriage, and two parents. My older brother is currently 30; my older sister is 29; I am 24; my younger sister is 21; and my younger brother is 17. We were all four grades apart with the exception of the older two. The fact, we were so spread out made our family well known in the school system as well as in the community. Almost everyone I came into contact with already knew my family and therefore had certain expectations of me. It got to the point where I no longer introduced myself to anyone over thirty, because I knew they already knew of me. I blame my difficulty with greetings on this factor of my life. In recent years I have learned to overcome this factor, but I still have trouble introducing my self to people who already know of me, but do not yet know me.

My Brother�s Promotion: My brother wrote me a letter around my 13th birthday. The main point of it was to convince me to �taste life.� With in the letter he told me of some of the things he had done during his high school years. His intent may have been to get me to follow in his foot steps and experience all that my teen years had to offer, but I did not respond to it the way he intended. I read the letter and understood the things he had done. Once I knew what it was all about I had no desire to experience the things I already understood. I went through my high school years blending into the background as much as possible and risking very little in the name of experience. I never went to parties, never cruised the town, and never hung out at McDonald�s with the other high school students. I almost exploded with boredom in high school, which made my college experience much more real, but I think I missed something in my highschool years.

The Church�s Imperfection: Around the age of thirteen, a family stopped by my church after service had let out. I still remember the way their dirty station wagon looked as I pulled up in front of shiny cars. The children in the back looked rattier than we did at their age. I watched as some of the elders approached the vehicle and spoke to the man driving. After a short conversation they drove off and I never saw them again. Around our dinner table that afternoon I became aware of what had taken place. The family had been in need of food and shelter, and the elders had turned them away. Their justification for turning them away was that the man was a practicing homosexual. I listened as my family passionately discussed the issue. That night I lay in bed and wrote what my mother would soon call my first sermon. I was outraged that my church would turn anyone away for any reason. Later, in one of her many letters, my older sister revealed how jealous she was of me that week. My mother who is forever my encourager had told her, God had spoken to me and given me the words people needed to hear. I began to realize my ability to offer God�s wisdom to the world. I quickly came to appreciate having a purpose in life.

*My Transformation: My transformation begun at birth, but my realization and recognition of it did not come until the summer of 1991. I was at Little Galilee Christian Assembly, church camp. It was near midnight and we had begun our nightly game of capture the flag. This night however my flashlight had run out of power. I decided to pair up with the youth minister�s son and allow his flashlight to guide both of us. Five or six of us were deep in enemy territory on a very narrow trail. All of the sudden Fred Wakefield, who now plays for the Arizona Cardinals, came sprinting down the trail for us. Back then he was just as tall with half the coordination. Needless to say we all scattered. I dove into the bushes on the left, and when I got back up and looked around I saw no one.   All alone in the middle of a forest with no flashlight I did what any male would have done, blazed my own trail out of there. To make a long story short I ended up falling into a five foot ditch (actually, jumping, but that makes me sound not so intelligent). I broke an arm and finally was ready to admit I needed help. Once they followed me cries for help I was loaded into a vehicle and sent to the hospital. During this time there was little for me to due other than contemplating my own mortality.   This led to the realization that I should stop playing around with my life and start living. On a hospital bed in Clinton, IL I asked my brother if he would baptize me into the body of Christ once we had returned home. That night I became a new person. I was ready to start truly living.

Independence: By the end of jr. high and beginning of high school I had decided, I was done living in the boundaries. I had tried to live up to the community�s expectation of me, but I needed more. My first really break from the family image came from the wide world of sports. My father had been a distance runner, and my older brother and sister were as well. So when I hit high school the cross-country coach was waiting for me. Several times during my freshman year I was asked try out for track and cross-country. However, I had already decided at the end of my last season of jr. high track, I was through running in circles. This may seem like no big deal, but I still remember how strong the expectations were. I remember my father reciting my splits for each lap of each race, people who I barely new congratulating me on a good race, and the jealousy of teammates who could not catch me. They all thrust this culture upon me and I rejected it. I refused for the same reasons I refused my brother�s invitation. I had already seen my siblings go down this road, and I knew where it went. Tangent Warning!!! Here in seminary I am having the same trouble. I feel as though I am going down someone else�s road. I am all too aware that the knowledge I am learning came from someone else�s real life experiences. I can not help but wonder if I should be out there having my own adventures while I am still young and single. I have a part-time youth ministry, but I could do so much more without my academic time restraints. This diversion from the family norm was the first step towards my attempts to become independent. I steered clear of the teachers my brother and sister had grown close to. I joined soccer, a sport which none of us had ever played. I despised the idea of my father helping me get a job, although he got me many.   My parents also played a major role in developing my, �I�ll do it on my own� attitude. My mother has always proclaimed my self-reliance and has been proud of me for it. My father had one of those �father phrases.� The kind that becomes so clich� we all dreaded it. If we ever attempted to do something, failed, and asked for help he would always say, �thousan� dollars if you can do it.� (Ex. starting the 20-year-old lawn mower) It took me until college to realize he was displaying his faith in our abilities, and not saying, �you�re on your own kid.� I am told independence is also a result of simply being male, but the fore mentioned factors increased my tendencies. I did reach the all time low of preferring failure to requesting help. The Down Side of Independence: We can not spiritually survive this world without relying on God. We learn how to rely on God by first learning to rely on each other. If I refuse to rely on God�s people how can I claim to rely on God? I was extremely surprised at my interview with the church I am at now. One of the leaders made the observation that I must be good or at least use to working in a group environment. I suddenly realized he was right. Over the past five years God has placed me in many different settings which required working as a group. I still have left over issues in this area. When leading a group I often still forget to explain my decisions to them. For example, when deciding which fundraisers our youth group should participate in, I still have not explained my criteria for my decisions to the other leaders.

*My Sister�s Promise: When my older sister entered college and I entered high school we began a new relationship, or at least redefined our existing one. My older sister had always been my defender. She was the only one that I ever remember having the guts (maybe ignorance) to standup against my father. On more than one occasion she has told my father to stop yelling at me. Whether I needed to be yelled at or not may be a different story, but the point is, she was always trying to protect me.   Countless times I would come home to find a heartfelt note on my pillow. One note, in particular reshaped my heart. With in the note my sister confessed to me a promise that she had made. While at college she made the commitment to become my spiritual guardian. She wrote to me of how God had changed her life. She told of her plan to help me grow into a good Christian. She conveyed how I had changed her in the process. And then, she labeled me... I have always been a person who dislikes labels and pre-conception, but this one I am thankful for. She proclaimed that I was the rock of our family, and made some scriptural references to the life of Peter. I am still not sure what prompted this title, but I know, at the time, I was not worthy of it. From the time I read her letter until the present I have been trying to live up to the title of the family�s rock. I have sought out the foundation of Christ so my family could lean on me in troubled times. I could never live up to such high expectations, but I am trying.

Youth Group Struggles: My sophomore year of high school the youth minister at our church announced he had excepted a job in Indiana, and was leaving us. I fought back the tears. He was a great friend and teacher, and I was scared of life without this role model. The high school youth group was put in the hands of whoever would take us. So I decided to step up and assume a leadership role in the group. We had an intern youth minister for a year and he relied heavily on me for support. We talked through all the spiritual issues our group was facing and what should be done about it. For the first time, people outside of my family were looking to me for leadership. I learned to enjoy helping my peers.

True Prayer: My first emotional break down came during my senior year of high school, and yes it was a girl. However, the heart shaping part of the story does not begin until after the relationship ended. Shortly after my first heartache, I found a place that would soon become the focal point of my most intimate conversations with my Lord. This sacred ground is with in the walls of the church I grew up in. In my church, behind the baptistery, there is one of the biggest crosses I have ever seen. In the sanctuary you can turn all the lights off except those focused on the cross. There at the foot of the illuminated cross the presence of God can lift the hair on the back of your neck straight up. Since the first night I stood alone at the foot of that cross, I have returned many times. Through this place of solitude I have slowly learned how to be open, honest, and intimate with my Lord.

My Younger Siblings: My parents have always told us we are responsible for raising the sibling younger than us. Which meant my older sister was to raise me and I was to raise my younger sister. Following in the footsteps of my older sister I made the commitment to look after my younger sister, but I also chose to help my younger brother. They have grown to expect the best from me. The admiration they show and the responsibility I have for them has provided a level of accountability like no other. For better or for worse they watch ever step I take.

*My Mother�s Request: At the beginning of the year 2000 I received a message from my little sister. She requested a return phone call when I got home. My sister and I spoke often, so I thought nothing of it, and took my time returning the call. When I returned her call we spoke casually and I had no idea something was wrong. By chance I struck the issue. �How is Mom?� After a pause, she slowly, quietly said, �not good.� She went on to tell me how mom had been sad lately and she was sure she had heard her cry herself to sleep a few times. Then she ask me to come home... I tried not to think about it until I had to. My brother, who has tourettes syndrome, had been causing problems, my sister was preparing for college, and my father was consumed by his work. All of this and more had left my mother stressed and depressed. I arrived home two days later. As I opened the door I heard my mother�s country music playing; she sings when she�s sad. I stepped into the kitchen and saw no smile on her face. As we embraced I dared to ask, �How are you?� �Not good,� was her reply. Then she said something that still haunts me. �Don�t you know, you�re the one who�s suppose to make sure I am happy,� and at that moment in time the entire weight of the world was dropped on my shoulders. Although she may not have meant it, I could not stop myself from taking those words to heart. I suddenly felt, like the rock my sister had proclaimed me to be. The amount of responsibility I assumed as a result of this single event has forced me to grow up much quicker than I would have chosen. Being responsible for my mother�s spirit meant being responsible for the entire family�s emotional health. This is an impossible task without first learning to let Christ be my strength.

College Life: My freshman year of college I found two friends who I would end up sharing my entire college experience with. They were both guitar players and soon introduced me to the world of music. Before I met them I did not own a single c.d., and now I own hundreds (all by Christian artists). Together we came into contact with and discuss many different ways of life, and learned how to speak to non-believers. My appreciation of evangelism and apologetics came into being, and I learned the dangers of other lifestyles.

The Christian Campus House: My true education began at the Christian Campus House at Eastern Illinois University. Roger Songer possessed a wisdom I had never seen before. Through his leadership and the Campus House I would learn more than I thought possible. At CCH I took on three different official leadership roles and many other informal ones. This experience would be comparable to a college-long Shaping the Heart of a Leader course. I was well fed with everything from real relationships, to accountability, to in-depth Bible study, to leadership retreats, and countless other growing experiences. The �commonplace� experience, CCH provided formed me into the leader I am today.

Jr. High Youth Leader: During my first year of college, my brother-in-law asked me to start helping out with my home church�s youth group. I was not sure I could be of much help, but I accepted anyway. It became the most refreshing part of my life. I was tired of walking around on EIU�s campus, watching lost souls pretend to be content. It felt good to spend time in front of untainted minds for a while. I learned to help them grow the same way I helped my younger siblings. I taught jr. high youth at Tuscola for five years before I had to move on to another group. Over the course of those five years I realized my calling to work with youth. I still thank God in my prayers for entrusting me with such a significant responsibility.

Manitoqua Ministries: During the summer of 1999 I started working at a summer church camp. I continued to work there for the following two summers. Most of my time there revolved around running the day camp. This job required me to take spiritual responsibility for my peers as well as various ages of children. From these summers I learned what the heart of youth ministry is all about, love. I shared memories with people I will never forget. I met Christian camp counselors from all over the country. I had the opportunity to witness to children who were not raised in Christian homes. By my third summer at Manitoqua I was supervising the care of over 750 children and 75 counselors. I learned to deal with ruff situations including death, abuse, spiritual death, firing people, kicking kids out of camp, and even drug use. I learned how to talk to children and peers who are headed down the wrong path. Most importantly I became aware of the growing responsibilities God was sending my way. In addition to all that, I learned much about romantic relationships. I saw many counselors come to camp as couples and leave as individuals and vise-versa. I saw couples both pass and fail the test of working together.

The Future as a Youth Minister: Grace Fellowship is the name of the church I am the part-time youth minister for in El Paso. It�s culture is set at a faster pace than I am use to and there is more community involvement than other churches I have been a part of. I have the opportunity to become involved in more community outreach than ever before. I plan on staying with Grace Fellowship until I complete my degree at LCCS. After my time here at Lincoln is up, I plan on searching for either a full time youth ministry position or a position in a para-church organization that works with teenagers. I am looking forward to all God has in store for me through Grace Fellowship and my future in youth ministry.

Growing Up: Still I still am still single still. (No, not bitter; just single) I have explained marriage to my friends in the following way. We learn how to love God by first learning how to love each other. Marriage is the ultimate form of love here on earth. Some people need to marry in order to grasp the idea of God�s love, and others already understand. Therefore, I wish I were dumber. Just kidding, but I am looking forward to one day starting a family and learning how to raise my own children instead of helping to raise other people�s children. I can not even imagine how my first child will shape my heart. There are also many other family issues I will have to deal with in the future. My parents are not getting any younger, and my siblings are spreading farther apart.

My Story