Dear Ms. E,
I just had a strange dream that kind of scared me. I was sitting in a living room environment with several other people. We were all wrapped up in individual blankets, like we were cold. My friends were there...we'll call them CD, OWD, T, (for anonymity sake) and a couple other generic faces. We were all watching this really hot girl talk about the news or movies (this part is not clear). But, it seems like we sat around listening to her for a long time. When she finished her presentation, she asked for questions. OWD said, I have a question. I like what you said and that's all fine and good, but what do I do about this? And he threw back his blanket to reveal a big 'ol hard 12 incher. Well, we were all a little disgusted by this and the dream ended shortly thereafter. That was the only cameo by this penis. What does this mean?
Ambiguous in Missouri
p.s. I have this friend who has a web site and he changed his message board site so that now it is really confusing to me. I think he did it because I always left dumb comments that nobody responded to. Does he hate me? Thanks again.
Dear Ambiguous,
Let me begin by thanking you for this amazing question. You have no idea what your letter has done for me. You see, lately I have really been thinking about not being such a bitch to people in person or in the advice column. I had almost decided to begin dispensing real advice, rather than cruel sarcastic advice, beneath which is hidden some kind of true wisdom. Thanks to your letter, though, I have been inspired to continue being a bitch, and to dedicate myself to being more bitchy than ever. In short, I, and the world at large, owes you a debt of gratitude. That was a really close call.
I am going to answer your post-scripted question first because it is the easiest to answer. Yes, your friend hates you. My advice is to give serious consideration to why it is you leave such lame ass comments on his website. Is it because you do not realize how lame they are until they are posted for everyone else to read? In which case you are just a run of the mill idiot. Is it because you want to make your friend who runs the website look stupid by association with you? In that case, it seems that maybe you are trying to get your friend to hate you so that you do not have to admit that you hate him. This is similar to what people sometimes do in romantic relationships when he or she wants to end it, but don�t wish to be the heartbreaker. Instead, he or she just starts doing really annoying shit to piss the other person off, so that the other person will break up with him or her. This is an awesome technique that Ms. E admits to having used many times and quite successfully before finding someone who refused to break up with her no matter what kind of bitchy annoying crap she pulled. This person has the pleasure of now being Mr. E.
Amazing but true.
Here is a bit of unsolicited advice: if you are in a relationship and it seems to be going well and then suddenly the person you are dating starts doing things that seem to be meant to piss you off�they are meant to piss you off. Just go ahead and consider the relationship over, but make sure you get a piece of ass before you completely call it off. This would also be the perfect time to request that one really kinky thing you have always wanted to do, but have never been brave enough to ask for. What would you have to lose? Also, that way, when you are breaking up with him or her, you can tell them it is because you lost all respect for him or her when he or she agreed to your kinky request. This is where the manipulated becomes the manipulator. It is truly beautiful.
Now, onto you question about your suppressed homosexual fantasies about your male friends. As I often do, I will need you to do some soul-searching here to help us get to the true answer to your question. First, Ambiguous, do you like show tunes? Do you think that when a man wears pink he is �exuding confidence?� Do you think the Jennifer Anniston is a nice looking woman, and has a great sense of style, but that you would prefer to get down and dirty with her husband, Brad Pitt?
If you answered �yes� to any of these question, then go ahead and call up your friend �OTD� and let him know you have a bottle of champagne chilling, some candles lit, and Barry White ready to go in the CD player, because tonight you are going to celebrate your love. Now, maybe OTD is not himself gay, which will be kind of embarrassing for you when he shows up and you are wearing a silk shorty robe and ask him to dance with you. Perhaps you will be humiliated when he tells you that he just doesn�t think of you �that way,� and that he �just wants to be friends.� That will probably be difficult for your to handle.
But that is the price you pay for wanting to do your friends in the ass.
It will probably be easier for you to enter the realm of gaydom by having anonymous sex with people you meet at a local bar. The excitement of living a double life or straight macho guy by day, queer effeminate by night will be both thrilling, and will give you the chance to perfect your moves. Once you feel confident and more comfortable with sucking off other men and taking it in the ass like a pro, you can make the foray into seducing your friends, who are probably also all gay anyway, and just need someone to bring them into the open. By being the first to let your gayness free, you also get to be the first one to sleep with your newly-liberated gay friends. It will be the most precious gift you can give to this troupe of gay men posing as (ew I hate this word I am about to use) pussy-hungry heteros. You will be doing all of mankind and womankind a favor.
Best of luck!
Ms. E
(4/16/04)
Ms. E,
So let's say I got a girl's phone number this weekend while "out on the scene." How long should I wait to call her? Does it matter if she is really hot? Should that make me wait longer? or call sooner?
Dialing Dilemma
Dear Dialing Dilemma,
Before I get started on my reply, I want to congratulate you for getting �out on the scene.� There are many young men these days who seem to prefer the comfort of their sofas or computer chairs to the world of socialization and interaction with real, live women they can touch, rather than the real live women on internet chat sites or phone sex hotlines. I think most of these men also spend a great deal of time reading about and listening to cds that claim to give them unique dating strategies, and tips on how to attract females. I have heard of programs with crazy names like �Cocky and Funny.� How pathetic are these guys? I am relieved that you cannot be counted amongst those losers. Congratulations.
On to your question�
Actually, my response to you will require a bit of your own input. You may want to have a pencil, a sheet of paper, a calculator, a bottle of lotion, and a box of tissues handy.
Question 1:
Were you attracted to this woman? On a scale of 1 � 10, 10 being you blow your wad just thinking about her without actually having to touch yourself, how attracted were you?
How to Interpret your Answer:
The more you like her (the closer to 10 on the scale), the longer you should wait to call. See, one of the secrets to women is that they LOVE to wait for calls from men. In fact, when a woman gives you her number, she is really saying, �Here is my number, but please, let me have some fun�don�t call me for at least 10 days.�
This way, she is guaranteed to go through at least one whole work or school week, wondering each day if you have left her a message. She will have the fun of checking her voice mail throughout the day, and the anticipation of getting home and racing to see if her answering machine is blinking. These are among women�s favorite hobbies, right up there with fellatio.
Also, the 10 day wait ensures that she will go through at least one weekend wishing she had heard from you so she could be on a date (possibly partaking in that favorite activity: fellatio), rather than sitting at home by herself, in nothing but a pair of pink panties and a tiny t-shirt, watching another episode of �Law & Order.� You see, women also love to feel lonely and pathetic. By waiting to call, you are allowing her to experience so many of the things she loves (except for the fellatio, but that will come later).
Question #2: How hot was she? Use the same scale of 1-10 as in question 1.
How to Interpret your Answer:
Again, the hotter she is, the longer you must wait to call. This is especially important if she is hotter than you. I cannot emphasize this enough. If she is hotter than you, it is of the utmost importance that you wait to call.
In the secret society of women, we have come up with a formula for determining how long any self-respecting man should wait before calling us. For the first time, I am going to break the vow of sisterhood and reveal to you this formula. I will not, however, be releasing any of the photos of activities at our secret meetings. Who would want to see a bunch of ladies in pink panties and tiny t-shirts having a pillow fight anyway?
Here is the formula:
HOTNESS(HER) � HOTNESS(YOU) x masturbation sessions/day = days to wait
pi
So, let�s say you would rank yourself a 6/10 and her a 9/10, and let�s say you beat off, oh, 13 times a day. You would get the following answer
9 � 6 x 13 = 12.42 days
pi
If the number of days with this formula is <10, you must still wait the 10 day minimum. If it is >10 (as in the above example), you must wait the number of days derived from this formula. There are no exceptions to this rule. You always wait the greater number of days. All women know this, so of you try to cheat or get around it, you are just going to find your image projected onto the big screen at our next secret meeting, where we will laugh at you and point out all of your physical and emotional faults. We will play the tape of the conversation from the phone call, and we will mock you.
Question #3: Was she drunk or otherwise mentally altered when she gave you her number?
How to Interpret your Answer:
If the answer is YES, then you should add at least 2 days to the higher number obtained in question 1 or 2. This would bring our example to 12.42 = 2 = 14.2 days.
By doing this, the woman can start to wonder if, in her altered state, she wrote down the wrong number, or if she wrote it so illegibly that you could not read it when you tried to call her. This allows her to wonder if you, the potential love of her life, is lost forever because of her own stupid mistake. She will start to berate herself for being so stupid, and it may even make her think that you think she gave you the wrong number on purpose, and that now you hate her and think she is a snobby bitch. This means she will be feeling bad about herself (for being such a bad drunk) AND guilty. Women love this feeling. We always talk about how we like to feel like crap for things we have done to ruin our lives, and how we also love to feel guilty for making other people think badly of us.
If the answer is NO, then you should just put her number right into your trash can because she is a boring goody goody who is probably just trying to find someone to take to church with her.
In conclusion, I just want to emphasize that I know it may be difficult to wait to call her. Do it, though. Give her these gifts and let her enjoy all of the wonderful feelings mentioned above. You will be doing her a favor, and you will be doing yourself a favor because a woman who has been feeling lonely, pathetic, bad about herself, and guilty is a woman who is very likely to give head on the first date.
Now, I must sign off. I have a secret society of women meeting in less than an hour, and I need to get my pink panties in the dryer. I have been sitting here naked at this computer, with nothing on by my glasses and my black stilettos for entirely too long.
Good luck!
Ms. E
(3/18/04)
Ms. E,
I recently discovered a pear in my fridge that I believe was originally placed there over a month ago. Giving it the "firmness" test, I have determined that it is still firm, with the skin it's original shade.
Is this pear okay to eat?
Thanks,
Waiting in Hunger
Dear Waiting in Hunger,
Ms. E is going to have to assume that you really didn�t mean to write in with such a boring ass question. I have heard better questions asked by old ladies at the supermarket in regards to which absorbency of diaper they should purchase.
So, I am going to apply my skills here and take what you have said in your query as being symbolic for deeper, more troubling matters that really deserve my time.
Here are the symbols you are obviously using:
1. pear = a woman
2. fridge = your favorite local bar
3. placed there over a month ago = the pear/woman you refer to is someone you have known for awhile, but have kind of maybe taken for granted, or until now have not seen in a romantic light
4. firmness = nice boobs
5. still firm = although this woman may be of a more mature age than you usually date, she is still in rather nice shape
6. skin in its original shade = even though this woman has been around you for some time, you have not yet offended her, and so, she still allows you to be in her presence and perhaps even seems to enjoy being around you.
7. is this pear okay to eat = can I ask her out or would it ruin our relationship
So, what I think you are really trying to ask is if you should go ahead and ask out that 53 year old woman who sits at the same corner seat of the bar you go to every day, smoking her three packs of GNC Lights and appearing to live on beer and whiskey alone.
And this leads me to wonder why you are spending so much time at a bar, and also what happened in your childhood to attract you to an alcoholic chain-smoker who is probably old enough to be your mother.
My advice here is simple, instead of going to the bar everyday, go to the bar every other day.
I hope this helps.
Good luck, Ms. E
PS: If you really did just have a question about the edible nature of the produce in your refrigerator, then my advice is equally simple: Do not eat the pear because pears are gross. Pears are for babies and people in nursing homes. Your best bet is to start going to the bar every day, where you might actually come up with something interesting to write in about. Next time, get a better question.
(3/15/04)
Dear Ms. E,
I have a problem with one of my friends. The problem isn't actually with my friend, but it is with thte guy she is dating. He is totally lame and having to be around him makes me feel violent and angry and I want to kick his ass just because he is a lame little woosy man. I am afraid of making my friend mad, though. What should I do?
Sincerely, Mad in Missouri
Dear Mad in Missouri,
You should probably not care of your friend gets mad at you for beating up her lame boyfriend because you really shouldn't want to be friends with someone who has a lame boyfriend. Why are you wasting your time trying to maintain a relationship with a girl has no taste when it comes to men and lets herself become attracted to anything that gives her more than five minutes of attention? My advice is proceed with the plan to kick his ass, if not physically, then at least verbally. If your friend gets mad, tell her to shut up and get a personality of her own so that she doesn't always have to try and take on the personality of the guy she is dating. Once she becomes more cool, you can let her be your friend again.
Good luck, Ms. E
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