december 19, 2002
I was browsing news stories today and I found some gems. I do not even need to make shit up anymore, these speak volumes by themselves:


Mom Fakes Child' Cancer
  Police say a woman tried to trick her daughter and community into thinking the girl had cancer so she could raise money, even going so far as to shave the 7-year-old's head, give her sleeping pills and put her in counseling to prepare to die.
   No charges had been filed against Teresa Milbrandt, 35, as of Wednesday. Her daughter, Hannah, has been taken from her and placed in the custody of relatives.
   "By the time we get done, there's going to be a lot of charges here," Sgt. David Reese said.
   Lt. Garry Kimpel told CBS News the woman would most likely be charged with theft and fraud as well as child endangerment.
   "She admitted that the girl did not have any life-threatening disease, did not have leukemia and that the whole story was basically made up," Kimpel said.
   Reese said police have collected coffee cans placed at businesses to seek donations that would supposedly go toward treatment. Police also found fliers with photos of the girl inviting people to fund-raisers, and a color TV donated as a raffle prize.
   Milbrandt's husband, Robert Milbrandt, 44, is also under investigation, but no charges have been filed against him, police said.
   Robert Milbrandt said he and his daughter never knew the cancer was faked. He said he took his wife to a mental hospital Tuesday.
   "I don't know how you can be married to someone for so long, them lie to you and you not know," he told the Urbana Daily Citizen.
   The Milbrandts' telephone number is unpublished and The Associated Press could not locate them for comment Wednesday night.
   Reese said Mrs. Milbrandt allegedly researched the effects of leukemia and gave her daughter sleeping pills and shaved her head to make it appear she was receiving chemotherapy.
   Reese said Mrs. Milbrandt researched a type of leukemia that could later go into remission, allowing Hannah to "recover." He said she placed a bandage on the girl's back to cover a supposed "port" where chemotherapy was administered.
   "(Hannah) thought she was dying," he said. "Mom did a lot of homework. Nobody would have ever known."
   Reese said the girl does have some illnesses but police have determined none are life-threatening.
   Police began investigating the child's illness about a week ago when employees at the girl's school noticed that her hair was cut or shaved, not falling out. They reported the situation to the county Department of Job and Family Services, and the agency contacted police.
   Investigators seized a personal computer from the Milbrandt home, and Reese said they found on it information from the Internet showing how to seek financial help from cancer organizations and a group that grants wishes to terminally ill children.
   Investigators have not been able to calculate the amount of money collected or the number of fund-raisers that have been held, but at least one church gave $2,200 and two agencies gave $500 each.
   Reese said people in the community were shocked to hear the woman faked her child's illness.
   "I've delivered death messages that people have taken easier than some of the people are taking this," said Reese. "They're just destroyed."
   The employees at the girl's school had "adopted" her as one of their own and have been "very visibly shaken," Don Hare, superintendent of Urbana City Schools, told the Springfield News Sun.
   "People are just at a loss of words," Hare said. "Our teachers are very upset. There have been quite a few tears."

(Provided from www.cbsnews.com without any semblance of their permission)
Man Sentenced For Monkey In Pants
  Californian Robert Cusack has been sentenced to 57 days in jail for trying to smuggle the monkeys, a total of four exotic birds and 50 rare orchids into Los Angeles Airport after a trip to Thailand, officials said on Thursday.
   Assistant U.S. Attorney Joseph Johns said Cusack had been undergoing a routine inspection when he arrived last June until an official opened his suitcase.
   "It became non-routine when they opened his luggage and a bird of paradise took off flying in the terminal," Johns said.
   Jonns said the agents found three more birds in his bag, tucked into nylon stockings, along with 50 orchids of a threatened species.
   Asked by agents if he had anything else to tell them, Cusack responded: "Yes, I've got monkeys in my pants."
   Though Cusack told authorities that he was a concerned environmentalist who had purchased the animals in Jakarta, Indonesia and was taking them to a Costa Rica wildlife sanctuary. He was arrested on smuggling charges.
   Johns said that because the monkeys are listed as a threatened and endangered species in the United States, they cannot be brought into the country without special permits that are typically granted to zoos and not individuals.
   Cusack pleaded guilty to one count of smuggling earlier this week under an agreement with prosecutors that called for him to spend between six months and one year in prison and pay $15,000 in restitution.
   Johns said Cusack was given a lighter sentence in part because he is suffering from full-blown AIDS.
"I know this is an amusing story in ways but we are trying to gain deterrence," he said. "The average person under these circumstances is going to do more than a year in prison."
   He said wildlife represents the world's second-largest black market and runs a wide gamut.
   "It covers everything from people smuggling baby Bengal tigers into Hollywood because they think it's cool to own a big cat -- only to become disabused of that notion once the cat grows up -- to individuals in China purchasing bear gall bladders to use in traditional medicines," he said.
   The two monkeys in this case, who were 3 and 4 months old when confiscated at the airport, are now at the Los Angeles Zoo, Johns said, while all four birds have died

(Provided from www.cnn.com with permission....just kidding)
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