october 27, 2003

My Motorcycle Kicks Ass

by The Tempest

This might be the only time that you, my faithful readers, ever hear me talk about something in a positive light. A positive, radiant light -- that�s what my motorcycle is to me in an otherwise dark and evil world. I will ride it everywhere. In fact, I do ride it everywhere. On my way home, I regularly take the long route so that I can sit astride its furious power for just a little longer. Whether I�m moving through traffic or sitting at a light, it makes me look like more of a badass than I ordinarily do. In fact, I ride it so much, that my protective gear has almost become a part of me. It�s defiantly a part of my wardrobe. The shit is straight out of a movie, perhaps Mad Max, or some other kick ass movie set in the post apocalyptic future. My black jacket has high density foam inserts to protect my body from skin removing falls. By far the sweetest piece of gear I own is my Bohn body armor back protector (click here). It's made out of space age carbon fiber and kevlar; all designed to keep my spine intact in the event of a catastrophic fall. The other day, I got something smelly on my glove. Turns out it was just my chain oil, but while reaching up so that I could smell it, my hand impacted my helmet, which I had forgotten was even on my head. This is how you know that perhaps you�ve been spending just a little too much time on your bike. I have learned several things after my purchase. When you buy a bike, you�re getting more than just a mode of transportation; you�ve just purchased a membership in a very exclusive club. I wave to fellow riders and they wave back. Inevitably anywhere I stop, people who want to talk bikes approach me. Bikes are like pheromones to mid-life crisis men. They always walk around, asking me all kinds of technical questions. �How fast will she go?� �What�s she redline at?� Blah blah blah. They all mean the same thing, that I am a badass. Let me get technical for just a moment. My motorcycle is an engineering feat. A relatively small engine supplies the power. In fact, it�s only a 600cc (.6 liter) in-line four, but it produces about 100 horses. That�s 140 horses per liter. If you applied that to my shitty car, I would have 180 angry horses under the hood, but I don�t, because my car sucks. Your average car redlines at around 5 or 6 thousand RPMs (revolutions per minute) but not my crotch rocket. No siree. That baby redlines at a simply astronomical rate of 14,500 RPM�s. Do you know how fast that is? Lets just say that when I get her going we sound like a jet fighter taking off of an aircraft carrier. A jet fighter� that�s a good comparison in fact. I am convinced that riding my bike is the closest thing on this earth to piloting a jet fighter. I have loads of power, and mind bending maneuverability, all delivered with my deadly accuracy. I love killing cars. I cannot believe how many cars try and race me. My favorites are those fags in their Mustang GT�s or Camaro�s. Are you joking me? I will destroy you anytime, anywhere. I kicked the shit out of a Corvette Z06 the other day. Right there on the highway, doing 60 this guy decides to floor it. Okay, I think to myself, lets do it. I drop it from 6th to 3rd and let her rip. In seconds I�m a good 80 yards ahead and doing well over 100. �Let�s slow her down,� I decide, �and give this choad another chance.� Five seconds later, I�m destroying him all over again. I bet his penis shrank. Corvette� HA! I laugh at you. I�ve raced almost everything. Here�s a short list of cars that I�ve destroyed: BMW Z-8 Corvette Z06 Too many Mustangs and Camaros to even count Triumph TR6 All those stupid tricked out Hondas and Toyotas Even trucks try to race me Mercedes SL 55 AMG And my Coup de Gras, a Ferrari 355 F1, but that guy didn�t want to go over 85. What a shitty Ferrari driver. The only things that can challenge me are other bikes. Last week two guys decided they wanted to run with me. Nevermind where or when, I would rather the authorities not know that it was me who streaked by them at space shuttle re-entry speeds. What I will tell you is that I set a new personal speed record. 140mph. In fact, let me write that out so that you can fathom the enormity of that number. ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY MILES PER HOUR.  Do you know how much bugs hurt at that rate? Lots. But I�m not done yet. Someday soon, I�m going to see how fast my bike will really go. They claim 165 and I�m very curious to see what the world looks like at that speed. I�m pretty sure it will be blurry, but there�s only one way to find out: By kicking ass. -- The Tempest

Awesome! Pretty cool Not bad Not as cool as he thinks it is This is lame