So last night came and the �again� was upon us. Jacob, Jason, and Citizen D headed out to this bar. Now the two of them had it in their minds that I was going to take this girl home or some shit like that. Yah, that has about as much chance of happening as the Yankees winning the Super Bowl or something like that�We arrived at the bar and the two of them wanted to play pool and drink Bud Light, both things that I abhor. So they proceeded to play and drink and force me to do both as well. I am not happy. The bar is packed and all the waitresses are quite busy. I spot Amee (the hottest woman alive, see above) rushing around getting drinks but not in our area by the pool tables. Both J�s agree that she is wicked hot. So I proceed to stand there for what must have been like 9 hours, watching pool and watching Amee (once again, hottest woman alive) get picked up on by every guy in the bar on two legs.
The night wears on, I make eye contact with Amee (hottest woman alive) a couple of times and she makes no action to show that she has even seen me before. Not unexpected, but still not a great confidence builder. So after much more drinking, we decide to leave. But Jason is not done. He razzes me a little for not talking to her and immediately sets forth embarrassing me. So next time she comes sprinting by, Jason takes off after her into another room and Jacob and I lose him in the crowd. We assumed that he had left as that was the original plan. As we near the door, we notice he is sitting alone in a booth in the room by the bar. So his plan was to follow her and find out what tables she was serving and sit down there. So we go join him and sure enough she comes over and asks if we want something to drink. At this point I again make eye contact when I order a 7&7��nothing. So when she comes back with the drinks, Jacob launches into the best thing he has ever done:
Jacob: Hey where did you go to college?
Amee: Truman State University
Jacob: Were you in a sorority? (Jacob already knows the answers to both of these questions and there in lies his genius)
Amme: I was in Tri-Delts (once again changed for anonymity)
Jacob: Did you know Dave? (a friend of the J�s from high school)
Amee: Yah, I knew Dave, I hung out with him a lot.
Jacob: Yah, because I thought you looked familiar. You know (pointing to me) this guy went to Truman.
She looks at me and I smile, almost laughing because I know what Jacob just pulled off, but she is oblivious to it. She smiles back and says �Oh yah, I remember you� and taps me on the shoulder. So that is what it took to get recognized. After that Jacob is ecstatic with himself and begins punching me in the arm exclaiming that he has �hooked me up� and now I have no choice but to talk to her. As if I am going to talk to her with them sitting there watching and most likely laughing. So then both of them start raking me over the coals:
Jason: Stop being such a pussy dude.
Jacob: Yah, what do you have to lose to ask her out.
Citizen D: Oh, I don�t know, I would say about 50 pounds.
I snicker, amused by my own comedy gold. No one else is amused. Jason proceeds to list the top 3 disappointments in his life and I chime in and say that the Buffalo Bills should be in there, which is impressive that I make a sports joke considering that I hate sports. All I know is that I made it in that top three list somewhere.
If you have made it this far into the story, then I admire you, because this story has been so far rather pathetic and boring. But you will soon be rewarded because this is when it starts to get weird.
As we sit there and I get reamed and we all watch Amee getting drinks, commenting on how ridiculously hot she is (I in fact stop watching at points because it is too much), we all get distracted. We notice someone that we all know. Holly (once again, name changed), a girl that works in the office at our apartment complex sees us and comes over and sits with us. She launches into a hello and tells us that we must protect her from someone who she did not want to see that was there. She seems a little inebriated, but as always entertaining. Now a few words about Holly, she is perhaps one of the absolutely cutest girls I have ever come across and she is totally intimidating. Anyway, she proceeds to talk about things relating to the apartment and making little calls on her cell phone that seem to end rather abruptly. We inquire further about the person she is trying to get away from and she says that there is a guy who works there who is obsessed with her breasts (which incidentally are quite spectacular). This guys seriously looks like he is about 12 years old. He wears a red t-shirt and has a little boy�s haircut and everything. She says that he is 19, but I do not believe it, I feel like giving him a lollipop, spanking him on the ass, and telling him to wait outside until mommy and daddy get done drinking. He keeps walking by our booth, touching Holly on the shoulder and proceeding to stare at her chest rather non-covertly. She covers up her chest with her shirt and laughs. I am not laughing, this is creepy. The kid proceeds to do this many times and at one time she opens her shirt for him so he gets a good look. I am totally weirded out by this time (not to mention a little turned on).
During all of this, Amee (hottest woman alive�ok I will stop now) comes to our table to ask us if we want more drinks and it turns out that Holly and Amee know each other. Too much, just too much. Amee also seems to know about the 12 year old and his problem and comments that in fact Holly �does have the nicest breasts she has ever seen.� At this point my mind wonders for some time but I eventually snapped back into reality in time to see 12 year old walk by and slap Amee on the ass. �What the fuck is going on here?� I ask myself. I get no response.
So on to other issues. Holly keeps making all these calls on her phone that seems to end in hang-ups. She refuses to explain to us what is going on but asks �Don�t you and one of your friends ever have a crush on the same girl?� We all look at each other and respond with a resounding �No.� Now if you are thinking that this person is me, then you are stupid. I appreciate the thought and that would make a quaint little story and a nice little fantasy for me, but if it was me I would not be writing this story. It turns out to be some dude behind our booth standing there with a bunch of other guys. He has one of those �I�m so cool I can only shave every two weeks� beards and he looks like a fucking choad frankly. Well after some further inquiry and assumption, we discover that Beard Boy is the one that Holly is interested in and is avoiding at the same time. So, we are left with the question, so who is the other girl who has a crush on beard? I quickly discover the answer as Amee goes to ask if they need more drinks and at the same time holds his hand for a few seconds. There is some ass grabbing and some body rubbing and I am dumbfounded. Maybe I need a stupid beard. Would that work?
So then it hits me, neither of these girls want anything to do with me or either of the other two. We have become pawns in a wicked game being played by two mega-hot queens�in a competition for a stupid bearded king. This is the last straw for me (file that under foreshadowing. Holly get up and goes to the bathroom and I relay to the J�s that I think that we have become pathetic and we are just a toy to play with to make beard-boy jealous in this little competition. So, I develop a badass plan. I say that we should just leave, no goodbyes, no paying for drinks, just walk out. I get agreements all around and we take off, me leading the way. I neared the door and decided to take a look back only to discover no one behind me. Jacob had pussed out and got caught in a goodbye with Holly and Jason had turned around to rescue him. So by the time I turn around by the door, I am 20 feet away and looking like the only asshole in the group for not saying goodbye. Eventually I tear myself away from this train-wreck of a night and this failed no-goodbye attempt and get out the door. As we walk home, I am lamenting the fact that things got so fucked up but I am still proud of myself for realizing that we were being chumped and bolting after that.
As we walk home, I am berated by an un-ending entourage of how big of a pussy I am and all that. I am trying to defend myself and am getting upset, chewing on the mixing straw from last drink. That�s when it happens, that�s right, about that �last straw� I had had�..well I swallowed the fucker. Like my hopes for the eternal love that Amee and I should have shared, the straw gets swallowed and lodged in my throat. So in an effort to get it out and to breathe, I started coughing and threw up. In a final effort to console me, or piss me off, I am not sure which, Jason pours a cup of ice water that he had on my head�..thanks a lot �pal.� I eventually worked the straw on down my throat and swallowed it. As we approached our apartments, it started raining�like tears from heaven, crying for my pathetic soul. I had failed, I had expected to fail. Man I hate always being right.
--Citizen D