First comes love, then comes marriage . . .
then comes a baby in a baby carriage.
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Finding True Love . . .
Keith and Tami Kiser were both virgins when they got married in 1987. They recently wrote "The Incredible Gift! The Truth About Love and Sex."
Virgins!
By Keith Kiser
Ok, Eilene Kuehnle here, happily sexually active, unmarried woman ready to provide my commentary on this couple that seems so happy�at least in the pre-arranged photograph offered above. I haven�t even started to read this yet and I Can already tell where it�s going. Good old Keith, the author of this gem, is going to tell me how great a decision it was for him and his wife, Tami, to wait to have sex until they got married. I�m sure the tale will involve telling me how hard it was, because hormones were raging, but they worked through it together, inevitably prayer will be involved, and now they are married and sexually satisfied. Let�s see if I�m right.
Amazing as this may sound, Tami and I were both virgins when we got married. It wasn't easy -- let me tell you -- but we're glad we waited!
How did I know?
We started dating in the 9th grade and dated for 7 years before we were married.
Okay, so that would make you 21 when you got married. This is my first problem. Isn�t that a little young? How in the world are you smart enough to know you have found the �right one� at the age of 21? When I was 21, I could hardly figure out what drink I wanted to order at the bar, let alone decide if the guy buying me the drink was �the one.� I guess true love speaks otherwise, and it sucks to be on this end of the argument, but if you marry at 21 don�t you, inevitably, wonder just what you missed? Dear god, especially if you haven�t even had sex yet.
As our love and commitment grew, sexual temptations became a real struggle. We were both practicing Christians who wanted to please God. But, even though God said "No," our bodies were shouting "Yes!" And it seemed our bodies were screaming loudest!
Sexual Temptations!
Yes, hormones were racing! We wanted to wait -- but our flesh was saying "go for it."
Who actually still says: �hormones were racing!�? I think my grandmother still does. I bet this guy has had about as much sexual experience.
TV, movies and music made matters worse. Their messages encouraged "sex, sex and more sex."
Of course they did. Because TV, movies and music are the major influences on youth in our society, and they are focused on sex. But maybe they are a reflection of the sexual schizophrenia our society has�that we have it in our media, but we won�t talk about it with any sort of rational overtones.
Our conviction to wait was weakening. Sexual impurity, leading up to intercourse, was destroying our relationship. Pain, sin, guilt, and confusion were breaking us apart.
Maybe you guys should�ve just done it.
On the brink of disaster, we made a commitment to save sex for marriage and to pray together regularly. We reinforced our decision by reading a book together about maintaining sexual purity in a dating relationship. Committed to chastity, we helped each other fight sexual temptations. It was hard at times, but we developed great discipline and respect for each other. A new openness and trust grew in our relationship and our love flourished and deepened more than we ever dreamed possible.
Okay, why did you have to bring prayer into things? If you two love each other, sex is natural. Maybe the feelings of guilt, confusion and pain were not because God was mad that you wanted to do it, maybe they were the result of depriving yourself of what is supposed to be a beautiful, wonderful, soulful experience. Maybe then your highschool memories would be filled with more than just blue balls and streaks in your panties.
And as a result, now we can gratefully say that when we got married, we were both virgins. And as far as honeymoons go . . . let's just say it was worth the wait!
Maybe for you, Keith. I don�t hear Tami sounding off on that one.
We thank God that we won the battles and we're both happier, stronger and more in love because we waited.
How do you know you wouldn�t be happier if you hadn�t waited?
Becoming ONE . . .
What's that like?
Tami and I share everything -- our worldly possessions, our thoughts, our dreams, our emotions, our fears, our pains, our prayers, our entire selves. Sharing our bodies is the physical expression of our total giving to each other. Sex is not only a sign of our love, but it also unites and bonds us like a human super-glue, giving us grace and strength to overcome adversity.
You don�t need a ring on your finger and a bunch of crappy household items for that sharing, Keith. It doesn�t come with the marriage.
When a couple becomes "one flesh," its the most intimate "knowing" possible. Not only do you bare your body, but you also bare your emotions and your soul. This giving of your most private self, and the receiving of your spouse's most private self, are magnificent privileges. But if either partner can "walk away," the gift and privilege are misused and cheapened. Love means wanting the very best for a person forever. To have sex without the committed love of marriage hurts and usually destroys the entire relationship.
It�s called divorce. And its what happens to most marriages when both parties reach mid-life crisis age and begin to wonder what they missed while they were praying together rather than seeing what else was out there, sexually and otherwise.
Sex also brings forth babies as a sign of the love between a husband and wife. Isn't it incredible that a spiritual and physical union of love can create new life? Imagine that -- two people so in love that their gift to each other creates a new child -- a new person -- a son or daughter like you and me with a soul that will live forever. (Pretty cool! Co-creators with God!)
And that�s why I take Ortho-Tri Cyclin.
And babies need strong families with loving mothers and fathers. That's the ideal situation and that's one reason God designed sex specifically for married couples. Sex is for bonding and babies, and before marriage, these both have painfully, grave consequences.
That�s why God also made condoms. Reproductive Freedom has eliminated those concerns, and it did it about a century ago. Granted, you and your kind are pretty set on destroying the options that make sex out of marriage a possibility, but the consequences that you are talking about are easily avoided by latex or a consistently ingested hormone.
What if You are
Already Having Sex?
We realize that some of you may already be having sex. If so, you may be wondering why after you've given so much of yourself . . . does your relationship still seem to be floundering. Just because you�re having sex, it doesn�t mean you�re giving your "all" or receiving their "all." Even if two people say they love each other, they're not really giving their all if they haven't publicly vowed to commit their entire lives to each other, "until death do us part."
Relationships are what you make them. I have been in (and witnessed my friends) in relationships that were not marriages, but have lasted longer than all of the marriages I know. Marriage is no guarantee of �death do us part.�
Only within the bonds of marriage will you experience the pure joy that wells up inside when you know that you've both committed to give everything to each other for life. Sex is awesome when there are no worries about true commitment or feelings of guilt or worries about diseases or pregnancy. Without these worries, there's true freedom to give your all and receive your spouse's all. It's truly a one of a kind loving union that is impossible to experience before marriage. Sex within marriage is an incredibly generous and tender expression of total giving that binds and cements two people together.
So is sex outside of marriage. And sex doesn�t have to have those strings. Sometimes, you just need to get off. And that�s okay too.
Outside of marriage, sexual intimacy lacks total commitment. This usually indicates that the relationship involves some degree of compromise, lack of self-control, selfishness or dishonest behavior. These conditions destroy relationships by becoming wedges and stumbling blocks to the development of mature love. Pre-marital sex guarantees you that sooner or later you'll have a painful communication breakdown.
Abstaining from sex until marriage is not a prophalactic for �communication breakdown.� Those happen within marriages too, and they can be even more painful, because marriage has achieved this mythical status, that you are propogating, by the way, of being the end-all, be-all of relationships. But really, all it promises are all of the ups and downs of a commited relationship. At least in marriage, you get presents and a big party.
To resuscitate your current relationship and to protect your future marriage, you need to stop all sexual activity immediately, including all foreplay.
What?! Are you trying to make everyone as miserable and sexually frustrated as you are?
Give your love a fighting chance to deepen and flourish. It may seem impossible at first, but you can do it! You and your current flame (and your future spouse and future children) will be very grateful that today you made a commitment to save sex for marriage. If you�ve already made a commitment to save sex for marriage -- CONGRATULATIONS -- you'll be glad you waited!
Oh no, Keith. I�m glad, better than glad, ecstatic that I didn�t.
http://www.prolife.com/KISERS-5.html
Adapted from: Kiser, Keith and Tami. The Incredible Gift! The Truth about Love and Sex. Indiana: Our Sunday Visitor Publishing Division, Inc., 1996. To order copies, call 1-888-635-0609 or 1-800-214-5849.
-- Leens