Your Neighborhood Bar and Shit-Trough
In fact, I hate all restaurants like it, a few examples being TGI Friday's, Chili's, and Cheddar's. They always have to be a fucking " 's " like some one person owns it. They try to pass these crappy places off as just your friendly local restaurant where you can go and get a good meal at a reasonable price. Its a place where you can bring your kids and the whole family will have a great time. Fuck that, I hate kids and I hate Applebee's, kids and restaurants don't go together anyway. "Oh, look at the big mess little Johnny made." Ya, real funny bitch, now clean that shit up before I beat you over the head with the high-chair.
But I digress. The real place I was going with this is the type of restaurants these places are and the "Cajun" thing is a perfect example. I went to the official Applebee's website to do a little research on the new Cajun entrees. They are such gems as "Bourbon Street Chicken and Shrimp" or "Blackened Salmon and Cajun Shrimp." What a crock. They try to pass the restaurant off as some type of "American cuisine" when in fact I am not sure there is such a thing. When I hear "American food" I think of burgers and fries because isnt that what really defines our fatass culture...and those arent even American (see french fries post). And they always have to make their food sound so great. One perusal of the menu and you have choices from "Appetizer Avenue," "Fresh From The Garden," or "Hot Off The Grill," which are all jokes because everyone knows that all their entrees come pre-packaged from the corporate office and the "cooks" pop them in the microwave and send them out. The try to make their shit so cute-- "Nachos Nuevos" and "Fiesta Lime Chicken." They try to spice up the fact that they are feeding you shit you could make at home, and much better I might add.
The one part that really gets to me is that there are some people in this world who love these restuarants. They go there and they don't even need to gander at the 47-page menu that has "something for everyone" because they already have a favorite dish. So in an effort to help people get out of the culinary rut that this country is in, I have a few recommendations for the next time you go out.
1. Avoid any restaurant that has an " 's" in the title.
2. Avoid restaurants where there are banners outside advertising the "new" or "exciting" cuisine that they are serving this month.
3. Go to a restaurant that actually has focused cuisine, such as a French restaurant or even a Mexican restaurant (no, Taco Bell does not count).
4. Eat somewhere where the menu is printed daily because they are actually cooking what is good that day other than what came shipped in plastic a month ago.
5. Eat somewhere where the chef's name is printed on the menu. This means that there is someone in the back who is actually trained to cook food and is good at it, rather than "Todd," the senior quarterback at Dipshit High microwaving your Cajun Chicken and then wiping his boogers on it.
6. Try as hard as possible to find restaurants without neon on the outside of the building.
I could keep going but I think this is a good start. Hope this helps next time your annoying friend wants to eat at mother-fucking Chili's.
Man I hate people.
-- Citizen D