- Citizen D
I call it:
Gold chains in 1989
Saturday, February 15, 2003, I took a trip back in time. I visited the wonderful little town of Topeka, Kansas. Let me begin by saying that I hope not to offend anyone who lives in, or is from Topeka, I�m sure it�s not your fault, your parents must be to blame for moving you there against your will. After all no one in his or her right mind would choose to live there.
Having said that let me share with you my experience from over the weekend.
Hold on tight kids we�re going on a trip to 1989�. vvvrooooooommmmm
I had the pleasure of attending, on Saturday night (let me reiterate February 15, 2003), a concert put on by a Pink Floyd Tribute band. Holy shit did this bring �em out of the woodwork. This show took place at a venue, which, humorously, when it first opened decided to enforce a dress code. Now that was just dumbshit, the dress code included no tennis shoes, no t-shirts, and no jeans (pardon me for a minute while I chuckle). I was told of this by my poor, unfortunate friend who is stuck in Topeka against her will. Strangely, the first few weeks they were open, crowds were eerily small, maybe because that is the exact opposite of what everyone in Topeka wears. Anyone who has never been to Topeka wouldn�t understand but trust me when I tell you that there are nothing but sports bars there, it is hillbilly heaven. Of the 20 some bars in Topeka all but two are sports bars with lots of TV�s and shit. One of the other two bars, that are not sports bars, is this dumbass place that thinks a dress code with no hats and jeans was a good idea, the other is Remington�s Country dance bar (remember back in like 1989 when county line dancing went out of style, well apparently they didn�t get that message in Topeka), that is also unfortunately the only place to go if you want to get drunk and dance. It�s a sad sad situation I tell you.
Anyway, I digress, I was at this bar that, until recently had a dress code (again pardon me while I chuckle). So there I was smack dab in the middle of ten years ago surrounded by guys with gold chains and girls with high hair-sprayed bangs, there across the bar I spotted it�. the some-what rare (not so much in Topeka), very elusive, mullet. Then just as soon as there was one, there were two and quickly five. They were taking over the bar and I found this to be, by far, the highlight of my weekend. Most of us here in 2003 do not get the pleasure of seeing a mullet on a daily basis, however those lucky enough to live in Topeka apparently see them everyday.
The mullet is really a beautiful thing. It says so much about a person. It says, �Fuck you� to all of those progressive futurists who think it�s 2003. It says � hey man, don�t mess with me or else me and my brother and my cousin will get up outta the doublewide we call home in the back yard of mama and daddy�s place, put some wheels on my camaro, get it down off the blocks, dodge the various articles of shit in our front yard, and come and kick your ass�.
It says, never mind that growth on the back of my neck; I�ve got hair to cover that thing. The mullet is truly a beautiful thing. Those who agree with me will find pleasure in both www.mulletsgalore.com and www.ratemymullet.com check 'em out
These other things made the list of honorable mention of Topeka�s wonders
1) Gold chains (outside the shirt, not under)
2) Wallet chains (we all loved those at one time)
3) Hair sprayed bangs
4) Multi colored vehicles (my personal best is 5 different colors on one vehicle, and yes primer is considered a color)
5) A full set of teeth�� between four people
6) Leg warmers (I shit you not I saw these matched with a one-shoulder t-shirt over a body suit)
7) Rev. Fred Phelps (this yahoo will be the subject of another forthcoming piece, he is quite possibly the most out of touch, backwards ass man in America today, He fits in perfect in Topeka. For a preview visit www.godhatesfags.com (Yeah no shit godhatesfags.com)
If these things sound too good to be true, they are not and you too can see these fabulous wonders of ten years ago, you need only take a short car ride west. There will be no hideous vortex or flux capacitor to take you back in time, only a toll booth with a nice guy named Frank or an nice lady named Jane whose only satisfaction in life is to watch nice folks pay their $2.10 toll and drive off into the distance and wonder to herself what it would be like to see 2003.
I would like to also congratulate JB on his first use of a check card. Convincing him of the advantages of this has been a long and arduous task and one that was well overdue. Like me passing the Topeka city limits on my way back to civilization, JB has made it into 2003. Welcome JB and congratulations, you are no longer a check card virgin!!!!