-Krista Marie
I hate these damn things. I think they are referred to as "chain mails." I thought that was a type of medieval armor, but whatever. I know everyone knows about these things so everyone can sympathize. You always get them from one of your friends who never sends you any real e-mail and you have not talked to in 6 months. Then they send you this steaming pile and before you even get to the actual point of the e-mail, you have to wade through 10 pages of computer talk and lists of the retards who have actually forwarded it.
Being a skeptical person, I decided to get to the bottom of the story of Krista Marie and little Natalie. So I called AOL and after about two hours, finally got in touch with someone who knew what I was talking about and could help me. She told me that neither she nor anyone at AOL even knew of Krista and her Natalie's plight, let alone promised them 5 cents for every e-mail that got sent. So, after thanking her for her help and hanging up, I returned to the e-mail and began thinking.
First I read the thing again and thought, I hope baby Natalie dies of her stupid "Brain Cancer" (that is how she spelled it, with caps, not me). I mean, lets assume for a second that there actually is a baby Natalie and she does have "Brain Cancer." I hate to tell mommy Krista, but little Natalie is proper fucked. And if there was some doctor who was able to perform surgery and remove the cancer, Natalie would turn out to be retarded and who wants to put up with that, not me if I was Krista. And if said doctor actually exists, I am willing to bet that newborn brain surgery carries a price tag that is going to take a whole shit-ton of nickels. If there is any chance that Krista and Natalie exist, then I am proud to say that I stopped this e-mail to prevent Krista from having a retarded baby and to prevent her from having to make up the difference of a hospital bill that her AOL nickels don't cover.
Now lets come to the logical conclusion that this whole thing is bullshit. Then my question is: Who in the hell started this thing? Whoever it was had nothing whatsoever to gain from this e-mail being sent to hundreds of people. The only possible reason would have been that it was someone who wanted to piss off as many people as he could by filling their e-mail boxes with trash forwarded from so-called friends. If so, he or she has succeeded in pissing me off and I wish that his or her significant other stabs them in the eye with a rusty dildo mid-orgasm. Have a nice day.
--Citizen D