And Who's To Blame
Part III
So there I was, with a green, mucous-weeping hole in my back. Since I didn�t have any insurance, I had to do as much of my own bandage changing as possible. With a sweaty back, I was going through Tegaderms left and right. I tried changing the bandages myself, but it was difficult and I kept touching the tender area. I needed someone to help change the bandages.
I asked J to change the bandage one time. I don�t remember if it was just because she was there or if it was because I wanted her to. But, she was the only one of the roommates I asked to help throughout the ordeal. I was embarrassed to ask for help and I was embarrassed all over each time she helped me. She was practically a stranger, then. I had to pull up my shirt and expose my back fat to her. I�m sure she was very impressed by the size of my wretched hole. I was beginning to fall in love with her, then. Here�s the thing, though. I didn�t want her to know. I was scared. I felt like I was back in Second grade trying to figure out how to deal with my feelings for Jennifer Wolf. I justified my fear by telling myself that it was not a good idea since we were living together. I�m pretty good at hiding my feelings when I want to. I didn�t give any other indication of my feelings, then, and I haven�t since.
Then, last week, I, miraculously, had a night off on a night that they would be going out, the night before MLK. So, we all went out for dinner and drinks (J, JB, A, her new guy H, another girl T, and myself). It was a good time. It took us hours to decide where to eat. But, we had a nice dinner. Afterward, we went to a local bar where we split a few pitchers. While at the bar, the girls wanted to share profiles of what we thought of one another when we first moved in. Apparently, I have been way too serious around them. Then, A asked me if I liked J. She said that she had
thought that because of J helping me with my back.
I replied with a quick �no.� I didn�t really know how to react. But, I�m pretty sure they believed me. I still don�t know why I didn�t say yes. Maybe it�s because every time I�m honest with a girl I really like, I get burned. I�ve done this before. I become infatuated with someone and I�ll ignore them or piss them off or do anything and everything except actually tell them how I feel. I had done nothing all this while, but time was now starting to turn against me.
I found out recently that J will be graduating in May and leaving town. �So,� I think, �even if she was attracted to me at all, it probably wouldn�t be fair of me to tell her how I feel since I plan to stay here in this town. Plus, I heard the girls talking last night. �A� mentioned that J will probably be married soon. She said that J will be going back to St. L and he will too. She may have been joking. The girls do have a lot of guy friends that I hear them talk about. I have never heard them talk about J being serious about a guy. They also mentioned how he has not even seen the house and this surprises them. That conversation makes me think that she is seeing someone. What if she is? And what if they are serious?! She could have been seeing him I may not have ever known. I may not have ever seen him, but it does seem like I would have heard about him. See what I do to myself??! What�s wrong with me? I�ve spent months obsessing over her to the point that my worst fear is that she may be seeing someone else. But, I keep it all inside. That�s the misery of it all. That�s the secret to my self-loathing.
I really have fallen in love with her. I tried not to. I can�t help it. I am weak. But, you know how it is when you are in love with someone. You cannot get her face out of your mind. She has a beautiful face. She looks like a cross between Melissa Rivers (E!) and Alyssa Milano (Charmed: FX), but very natural. Anyway, I tell myself that a girl like that could not possibly like me. What could I have�? But, sometimes I look at her and she gives me the cutest, most heart-warming smiles. I�m sure it�s just the way she smiles to everyone, though. I hear her talk with �A� and she is very good at reserving judgment about others. I�ve never heard her speak poorly of anyone. She even scolds me for my constant use of sarcasm. That really turns me on. But, in the end I am just a whiny coward who internalizes all of his emotions. My thoughts are my Iron Maiden, Rack, and Jibbet Cage all in one. No one can torture me as mercilessly as I torture myself.
Alas, I seek the aid of others. I know not how to end my eternal suffering. I need help. I may need professional help, but you are the best I can afford. If you have read this far, I congratulate you and I hope you have been mildly entertained. The price for such entertainment is feedback. Real feedback�
-- Paddy
(Fine...)