The thing about Courtney Thorne-Smith, the real person: She's nothing like the character she plays on TV's well-loved Monday evening melodrama, MP. Courtney's more like the Anti-Alison--self-possessed, fit as a Stradivarius, smart, funny, secure, happy. Almost too happy. Worlds like "perky" and "fun" rise unbidden to your mind while talking to her; you swat these words away like mosquitoes, but they keep circling closer. She's real pretty, too, but not in an intimidating or actressy way. The most intimidating thing about Courtney is her jaw, which has a weird angularity that I, for some reason, find engrossing. I was afraid of that jaw, or of the prospect of that jaw, at least. I was afraid that I would be so hypnotized by its oblique splendor that I would not be able to concentrate on the interview at hand. In person, though, the jaw is not so prominent. In person the jaw is softened by her frequent smile and recedes to manageable levels of distraction.
The big news is that after five years of whining her way through MP, Courtney has decided to leave the show and go on to --well, she's really not sure, just yet. Something else. Something different, probably. We meet at a kind of upscale coffeehouse on Sunset, just the sort of place an actual MP denizen might pick, though without the MP drama. It's too early, anyway, for drama. Courtney's a morning person. If, like me, you believe the words "morning person" to be two of the scariest in the American language, you consequently tremble slightly as you carry your philter of orange juice outside to the table where Courtney sits with her small pot of chamomile tea. You worry, too, because it doesn't look like she's ever going to take off her sunglasses (it's a very bright morning, but still).
Bikini: So, uh, read any good Russian literature lately?
CTS: I'm trying to get through War And Peace right now, believe it or not. For some reason I just can't get into it. Maybe if I understood the history behind the war better.
B: Yeah, War And Peace can be tough going. There are those books that are sort of daunting on the face, but as you begin reading them, they become...
CTS: Like Jane Austen...
B: Yeah. I mean, Anna Karenina..
CTS: Wonderful book.
B:..once you get into it is brilliant. Have you read any Dostoevsky?
CTS: Crime And Punishement. I loved it.
B: The Possessed, also known as The Devils in more recent translations, is a really interesting book. And of course there's The Brothers Karamazov.
CTS: I'm going to have to wait a little while after War And Peace before tackling any other Russian lit.
B: Even Karamazov...I mean, obviously Dostoevsky has this pretty fierce religious streak, but if you skip the "Grand Inquisitor" section, which in fact has been issued as a separate book on occasion, it's stimulating enough. "Bedlam and Bethlehem," I think is how Nabokov described it. Another thing about Dostoevsky...wait, wiat, wait. What am I thinking? This interview's for Bikini.
CTS: Oh yeah.
B: So, like, are you gonna keep the baby?
CTS: (laughs) You know, here's my question about that. How come, even though Alison's gotta be like three ro four or five months pregnant right now, I still have to wear the same tight pants? How does that figure into it?
B: (not noticing that Courtney has smoothly avoided answering the question) Yeah, you would think there might be some sort of visible sign of the pregnancy at this stage....
CTS: I went to the Super Bowl a few weeks ago, and I was sitting there, it was Sunday afternoon, and I know I have to work Monday, so usually I don't,like, eat a lot of popcorn. But I was sitting there, and my friend and I ate popcorn mixed with Crunch N' Munch and nachos, and she said, "Don't you have to work tomorrow?" and I said, "I'm pregnant. Pregnant women are puffy."
B: So, I was told that this is your last season on MP.
CTS: You were? Who told you that?
B: Uh, my editor.
CTS: (laughs, for some indefinable reason. Perhaps she knows my editor.) Very probably it's my last season on MP.
B: Very probably? It's not definite, though?
CTS: It's not definite. It's fairly definite.
B: So why might you be leaving?
CTS: Um, I've been there five years. We do 34 episodes a year. Which means in real time I've been there seven and a half years--in TV time. And I'd like to try something else. (laughs) I don't want to turn 30 on MP.
B: What other things are you thinking of?
CTS: You know, I'm honestly just trying to stay open b/c I'm afraid that I'll get panicked right when I'm done, and I'll race out and try to control everything and I'll get something set, and I won't be seeing what's out there. Out of the terror of trying to avoid whhat's not out there.
B:It's gonna be weird isn't it? I mean, not having...
CTS: Anywhere to go? (laughs) Yeah. I know, I'm feeling a little bit of it now, I'm really aware that it will be very different. I won't get to spend my off-days hanging around Barney's. I'll be doing a lot of cooking at home, and shopping in my own closet.
B: Just taking some time off.
CTS: Well hopefully not too much time off. But I have to be prepared for that.
B: So do you have any idea what they'll do with your character?
CTS: No, they won't tell me.
B: They won't tell you? That's exciting.
CTS: I know. I'm curious. I keep saying that I think Jake and Alison are gonna go inside and close their door and just never come out--but no one ever mentions them again. (laughs) "Jake and Alison live there---oh, but they're busy. The never come out anymore."
B: You could actually get away with something like that on MP.
CTS: Sure you could! People disappear all the time--in the first season...one of the characters just disappeared. I think it was Amy Locane, and we kept saying we should just have one episode where we all kill her and bury her in the courtyard and then just never mention it again. And just carry on! They wouldn't do it.
B: Writers. They're no fun.
CTS: I know.
Most of Courtney's recent press has to do with fitness and diet and yoga and meditation and the like. She's been on the cover of magazines with upbeat names like Healthy Girl and Fun With Arugula (I made these up). "That's what's sad--it really interests me," she explains. "Endlessly. Food and diet and exercise really absolutely interest me." Fortunately for you, Bikini reader, these things do not interest me, and we will omit that part of our conversation. I think I turned the tape recorder off at that point anyway. Surreptitiously, of course. Courtney's also actively involved with animal rights ("I've always been a friend to the animals," she deadpans), and she golfs ("What do I say about golf? All right, you swing the club. I'm not that good. Cute clothes, but that's about it."). Cute clothes? Her major vice seems to be a jones for bad action movies, or maybe just bad movies in general ("All my friends now call me and say "There's a bad movie I want to see.' It's like I'm their drug connection. 'Will you go with me?'"). She loves, for instance, Double Impact (the one where Jean-Claude Van Damme plays twin brothers) and she similarly enjoyed Beavis and Butthead Do America. This bad taste bent might perhaps be seen as an extension of her early, pre-Melrose career, when she snared roles in mouth-wateringly "bad" flicks as Revenge of the Nerds II and Summer School. Her filmic dubut was as Charlie Sheen's girlfriend in Lucas--really there's nowhere to go but up after playing Charlie Sheen's girlfriend.
More recently, she finished a movie co-starring rufous comic Carrot Top, Chairman of the Board, in which she plays "the girl." ("You know, every comedy movie has 'the girl,' and I sit there and say, "You're so handsome, you're so cute,' and he's funny. Which he is.") She also appeared on a recent episode of the darkly comic Duckman animated series, where she had sex with Duckman and then dumped him, providing evidence at least of a certain willingness not to take herself too seriously (witness, too, the cover of this magazine). But for now, at least, she remains best known as the neurosis-ridden Alison, endlessly dysfunctional, riddled with insecurities, a volatile bundle of pain and sadness with perfect hair.
B: Do people confuse you with your character and try to give you advice or anything?
CTS: Not so much. Grant Show did a soap opera like ten years ago and he said people would literaly come up and yell at him. That doesn't happen to me. People do, I think, have an affinity for me b/c they love my character or feel sorry for my character. I'm always terrified about guys who wnat to date me b/c they've seen Alison. B/c she's such a wreck. And I just go, "Are you serious? You want to rescue that poor sad sack? You know she's gonna kill you." Men really seem to like Alison. A lot.
B: So do you have to explain that you're not like that?
CTS; If I hear that somebody wants to go out wiht me b/c they've seen the show, I just say no.
B: What show? You're on a show?
CTS: B/c I know that when they meet me, it's sad to say, they'd be disappointed. B/c I'm genuinely happy and strong and I have a great life and a lot of friends, and I think they'd just...really be disappointed.
B: B/c if they were attracted to your suffering...
CTS:...yeah, to Alison's angst and self-destructive qualities, then they certainly wouldn't like somebody who has a good life.
B: There must be some aspects of your personality in her character, though.
CTS: You know, I think in the beginning there were more. And over time we've become more and more separate, which I know is fairly rare, but she's become more and more of a wreck, and I've grown up. I mean, I started the show when I was 24. Now I'm 29--That's a really important time in a woman's life, a time when you come into your own, or begin to, and Alison just hasn't (laughs). So I don't know. I mean, friends who watch it say that they completely forget that it's me...I'm sure that she has some of the same mannerisms--we have very similar hair-dos. You can't escape that. But other than that, no. I can't imagine being in 90% of the situations in which she finds herself.
B: So do you guys just sort of sit around and laugh when you get the scripts?
CTS: No, we take it very seriously. Why do you ask? (laughs). Um, yes we do.
B: It seems like that would be a fun part, just finding out what you do next.
CTS: Oh, and what everybody else is doing. Half of me is very jealous of the things Laura Leighton gets to do, and half of me is so grateful that I don't have to do those things. Her character is so wild. And she's o good at it--I think I would have run away a long time ago, but she just dives in. I mostly just sit around and whine.
B: Ehh. That's easy. Anyone can do that. I can do that.
CTS: The guys on the show that Alison dates spend their time going "It's okay. I understand, take all the time you need," and they're all just dying, feeling like wimps, b/c any normal man would have said to her two years ago, "Get over it!" But that's what the female audience likes.
B: Are you a private person?
CTS: It's really sad, b/c I think I'm private, but I think that my boundaries are just really skewed (laughs). I think that my idea of what's private is different from a lot of people's. I think in a normal everyday conversation I probably expose a lot more of myself than is necessary. Just b/c I'm really comfortable with so much of me, which is probably not a good thing, I should probaby be much more careful. I don't mind at all interviews, talking to people, I really like it--I don't like photo shoots. Terrible drudgery, and there's so much focus on me, but it's not me, it's my face, and my body. It's crazy...I did two photo shoots the other day, and by the end of the day,if one more person had touched my hair or fixed my makeup or pulled my skirt I would have flipped. It's a very strange reality b/c to a certain extent you can look at it like 'this is a job,' but there comes a point where you go 'I want that to be messy, I want my hair that way, I don't care! And yet you have to care b/c there'll be a picture where your skirt's messed up, and then...it's silly. My downtime is so nice not just b/c I'm not at work, but b/c I can go where I want, do what I want, and dress as I like, and I don't have to think about it. People don't even appreciate that freedom. B/c they have it on a day to day basis, and it seems so wonderful to many people to have that kind of attention--what they don't realize is...
B: You have to present yourself to the world. People are looking at you. That's just a weird idea in itself.
CTS: But somebody else is presenting you. I'm not presenting myself--I mean, here, I'm presenting myself to you, we're having a conversation. On TV, Aaron Spelling and Fox and our producers and makeup and wardrobe people are creating a package and presenting me with the dialogue. And that's very odd-- that's like seven steps removed from me sitting here and having tea with you.
B: Orange juice.
CTS: I'm sorry?
B: I'm drinking orange juice. You're drinking tea.
CTS: Right..
B: I just wanted to clear that up.
CTS: (bemused pause)
B: Okay, so...There's still an aspect of yourself, isn't there, within your well-mediated character? Isn't there a part of you that you can insert in all of that? Part of the challenge of acting or whatever. I don't know...
CTS: Absolutely--and that part's wonderful. When I get to do a scene where I really get to draw on something, it's absolutely wonderful. Or if I'm not overtired and I'm having a lot of fun--it's a really nice group at Melrose. You'd be amazed--for the first three years of the show people tried to find gossip about how mean we were to each other, but they'd come to the set, and we really get along. It's a funny, sweet, centered group of people. So I like it there.
B: So what are you leaving for?
CTS: I know, right? Can I make a phone call? (makes as if to leave)
B: Do you watch your own show?
CTS: I don't watch the current ones. I watch them on E! b/c there's enough distance, I can appreciate them.
B: How do you feel watching yourself? Do you cringe?
CTS: All the time. That's why I don't watch it much. Some people are very good at it, and they can step back and be critical in a good way. I believe that my instincts are good in terms of when something works or doesn't--so when I'm watching it, the scenes I thought worked work, and the ones I thought didn't don't. So why put myself through it? Yup, I was terrible. And I looked bad, too.
B: How do you plan to deal with the stress of being "unemplyed" for a while? Is that where all the fitness stuff and the exercise and the yoga and meditation or whatever comes in?
CTS: It helps, but you know, the irony about meditation is that sometimes it softens the edges, but sometimes it just brings you closer to what's going on for you.
B: Well, if I could offer a word of advice: Drinking.
CTS: (laughs) That sums it all up in one word. Drinkin'
B: Exactly.
CTS: "N" apostrophe. Drinkin'
B: There's no 'g' on that word, Yeah, I mean, your problems won't actually go away, but you won't care. Until you wake up, everything's great.
CTS: So this is a short term plan you're talking about.
B: Yeah.
CTS: B/c that's not really a long term goal, I think, but for the short term...I see. Thank you.
A further sign of the difference between CTS and Alison--hell, between Courtney and pretty much anyone I've ever met, is that in the half-hour between the conclusion of this interview and her next appointment, she plans to visit the gym. There's on just around the corner, you know. You can tell the millennium is breathing down your neck when there's a gym just around every corner--and people are, like, going to them.
Courtney's formidable reserves of self-confidence make you feel small, somehow. Well, me anyway. I feel small. The control, the self-discipline she exercises over he career and her life in general prompt both admiration ahd fear--even here, sitting in front of me, she revealed only as much as she wanted to, without ever seeming coy or standoffish. This is expert stuff, and as she threads her way through the tables towards the gym I can't help but think: "Jesus, I need a drink." But that's just me.
Another thing: she never did take off the sunglasses.
