The Annoying, the Loud...
The Notious F.E.W.
We all have wanted to bitchslap
someone at some point in time... but these people REALLY make me want to hurl
some chunks sometimes. Here is a general run-down of the few...
NEW!! "Patvicious fabricous"
CRAZY RATING: 9
CHARACTERISTICS: This one is a bit moody. Takes it upon herself to
manually use the store phones (which are not supposed to be used by customers)
to call the service desk repeatedly. She also ALWAYS checks out at the service
desk (which is supposed to be for returns, exchanges, and money services only).
There could be seventy registers open with not a single customer at them, her
ass is at the service desk.
WHY I REMEMBER: One day she brought a big stack of fabric up to
the service desk, all of it without length tags on it. I asked her why the clerk
didn't put tags on it, and she replied: "I cut it myself." That's
the key phrase, people. "I CUT IT MYSELF." I
guess, despite the fact that 99 out of 100 customers knows
that an associate has to cut the fabric, measure it, and tag it, she decided
she is capable of this on her own.
UPDATE: Still running around like a crazy... well, like a Pat.
Most of the Pats I know are all crazy. Pat Pleasant (sweet, but crazy), Pat
the Turnpike Gate Lady (... nice on days, satanic on others)... the list could
go on.
"James' Dad"
CRAZY RATING: 10
CHARACTERISTICS: Acts like he knows everyone, even though for the
longest time I didn't know who the fuck he was. Sometimes he gets upset at things
that we can't control, yet the next he is smiling and stops to say hi. Strange
indeed.
WHY I REMEMBER: One day I was driving in my little automobile.
I was crossing the 10th Street railroad track, and out of nowhere, this truck
with a different-colored door on the driver's side came skidding past
me and nearly stopped on the track. Then this guy's head comes halfway out
the window and he yells "HEEEYYYY!" at
me. It scared me, I thought there might have been a train coming. I almost shat
myself.
UPDATE: I saw him standing at the service desk as I arrived at
work... He said "It's about time you got to work." He has no idea
how close he came to receiving a concussion administered by a chair, thrown
by Jompz.
"MoneyGram"
CRAZY RATING: 2
CHARACTERISTICS: Looks cracked out, and very slim. Often has a cracked
out look about her. And on rare occasions, she still looks cracked out. She
really might be cracked out, what do you think?
WHY I REMEMBER: She constantly receives moneygrams for small amounts
every day, like $30, and $10, sometimes more than once in a day despite it costing
$11.33 each time one is sent. Someone must love her to spend that much to send
her multiple transactions. Or she is making interstate drug deals. I opt for
the latter of the two.
UPDATE: One of her MoneyGrams did not show up in the system, and
she kept checking back again and again. My co-worker, who was on top of things
as always, finally got it to come up, and I saw the desperate look finally creep
out of her eyes. That was probably her daily stash money. Bitch. I have to admit
though, for someone who is crazy, she is kind of nice. Blah.
"Gordy"
CRAZY RATING: 9
CHARACTERISTICS: Despite her husband being about an inch shorter,
several hundred pounds lighter, and darker skinned than her, she still scares
me. When I look at her, I seriously am reminded of the way a pig looks when
you dump compost and slop into its trough and it starts gulping it down. She
looks the same way. And she has beaver teeth to add to the hideousness.
WHY I REMEMBER: She was wanting to return an X-Box (you guessed
it, with no receipt) and her husband/fiance/boyfriend/whatever was really nice,
but she was just acting like a huge ass-mouthed sow. I probably would have been
happy to let her exchange it had she been purchasing some Trimspa and some Secret
Powder Fresh Glide-on.
UPDATE: Saw her scurrying on two legs like the pigs in that book
"Animal Farm." Ironic.
"Chunk"
CRAZY RATING: 5
CHARACTERISTICS: Short, very large, appears to be very lumpy in every
aspect. Is rumored to drive one of those new Jeeps. Waddles when
she walks and tends to shout when not pleased. Slightly resembles a fat Nutcracker
doll or a Bissell vacuum cleaner, the kind that are bagless and cylindrical.
WHY I REMEMBER: She always asks for those Sam's choice Dr. Thunder
2-liter bottles still in the case. She gets pissed when they are all stocked
on the shelf because then she has to take herself over and get regular bottles
from the shelf. For this reason, I usually try to get the stockmen to
fully stock all Dr. Thunder we have in stock. If she wants it in bulk, there
is a Sam's Club about 45 miles northeast of here.
UPDATE: She doesn't even ask for the pop in cases anymore, she
just comes in and points. Sometimes I feel the incredible urge to hit her repeatedly
with a billy-club.
"The Lady Who Doesn't
Wear A Bra While Spanking Her Children"
CRAZY LEVEL: 8 (upgraded from 3)
CHARACTERISTICS: Doesn't wear a bra while she publicly spanks the
hell out of her 5 children. Observing these incidents once while taking
change to a register, I found the topic to my college research paper about spanking.
WHY I REMEMBER: Once, I observed her dragging a small child down
the road on my way to work. Later, she came in the store and proceeded
to spank her children. While she was doing this, her boobies were a constant
threat to bystanders.
UPDATE: Last seen at register 7, and she looked flustered. Her
kids were clinging to her shopping cart, and my ears were just waiting to hear
the all-too-familiar sound of her laying her hand across the face of one of
the children. However, she was not seen with Wal-Mart Cheer, so I suspect that
she may be going solo for awhile. Nevertheless, I will be keeping my guard up.
"Wal-Mart Cheer Lady"
CRAZY LEVEL: 5
CHARACTERISTICS: Former Wal-Mart employee. Obsessed with making
current employees do the cheer... wherever they may be at the time.
WHY I REMEMBER: She worked at a gas station, and I did not know
this until recently. I had stopped to refuel and she popped up from behind the
counter and looked out the window at me. She would not turn on the gas pump
until I "gave her a W." I then proceeded to climb back into my Focus
and drive away hurriedly.
UPDATE: I saw her. Yes I did. I had not seen her in months, and
I was at work. At the time, I was peacefully plotting out a break and lunch
schedule for the front registers. Lost in my own world, I did not notice her
approaching me on my right. She got disturbingly close to me and hollered "Give
me a SQUIGGLY." I ran away so fast, my vest was hovering in mid-air, and
I was nowhere in sight.
Stinky Steinman
CRAZY LEVEL: 8
CHARACTERISTICS: Hunched over, leans on shopping cart. Very
mean and will attack when provoked. Usually teamed up with her slave of
a husband.
WHY I REMEMBER: Once I told her the total amount of her purchases.
She then proceeded to write her check for the wrong amount. When I brought this
to her attention, a random obscenity darted from her mouth. Then, she messed
it up again and cursed me repeatedly. I just stared at her and said, impatiently,
"It's on this little display right here in front of you." She responded
with a glare. Then she asked me how much ice was and I just pointed to the sign
on the ice machine, which was barely ten feet in front of her.
UPDATE**: Last seen coughing right at another CSM. The CSM then
proceeded to douse the areas to Steinman's immediate front and left with some
antibacterial air sanitizer spray. The CSM then turned around and told me how
much she didn't like Stinky and how she is always a bitch. I had to agree.
Screamer
CRAZY LEVEL: 7, but ya gotta take points off because he can't help
it, he's mentally handicapped.
CHARACTERISTICS: Lives with his mother. Has a tendency to
ramble on and on about anything he finds of interest. Will scream when
he doesn't get his way. Wears a trendy clothing line that must have been "the
big thing" back around the time the stock market was crashing.
WHY I REMEMBER: We were really busy one day and the pharmacy was
closed. He needed help finding something, and I sent someone. They
couldn't find it. He came and stood right in the main isle in front of
the registers and began screaming "I need help, I need help" repeatedly.
I'm sure I heard a few customers say "no shit," but he kept screaming
until escorted out of the store. Later, he came back and stomped some
plants on the floor and made a huge mess. I could be seen laughing my
ass off in the background.
Better Than Thou
BITCH LEVEL: 9
CHARACTERISTICS: She is convinced she is better than anyone on the planet,
and she is about 90. Claims to be friends with another CSM at the store.
Always wants what she won't get.
WHY I REMEMBER: Why else would I remember other than the fact that
she is a mean wrinkled old bitch? Enough said.
UPDATE: She didn't die. I saw her terrorizing a stocker in the
snackfood department. She glared at me like those spiders do on that movie "Eight-legged
Freaks." It was at that point that I darted around a stackbase containing
cases of Sam's Choice soda... I am going to market a line of stun-guns under
the name Jompster's Choice.
Saucepan Julie
CRAZY LEVEL: 3
CHARACTERISTICS: Even though she is on this website, I actually
like Julie. She is a really nice lady. Unfortunately, she is a frequent Wal-Mart
shopper. My first experience with her was when the power went out at Wal-Mart.
The registers remained open, and she was in my line freaking out. That is not
why I remember though...
WHY I REMEMBER: She once brought a saucepan back for a refund.
Her reason: There is no warning on the package that the metal handle may heat
up. Of course she failed to realize that since the handle is made of metal and
is connected to a metal pan, it will get hot. She did not use a potholder, which
I found incredibly crazy. Other than that, she is somewhat normal.
UPDATE: She came up to me with a question. Since I like Julie,
I was almost willing to help her...until she bombarded me with a question about
indoor antennas. She started freaking out because the one I told her would work
better had some kind of "newfangled techno thingey" called an amplifier.
After I got her to calm down and explained to her what the "newfangled
techno thingey" was, she was good for a sale.
Swamp Ass
CRAZY LEVEL: 6 1/2
CHARACTERISTICS: From the swamp lands of Louisiana. She moved to
a nearby town to spread her attitude like butter across the muffin-like plains
of our state. Also known throughout the county for her quite large rear. However,
because of her horrible demeanor, she does not qualify to be a member of the
Ghetto Booty Guild.
WHY I REMEMBER: She got immense attitude over something stupid.
It was something insignificant. During her incessant babbling, I envisioned
the subtle placement of a lamp or personal computer system on her shelf-ass.
UPDATE: She's been nothing but sweet ever since she assimilated
into Oklahoma culture. As much as I trash-talk Oklahoma, it can do wonders.
The Skeleton Clan has been
removed because they have curbed their obsession with shopping at Wal-Fart everyday.
I have also noticed that they are quite boring and seem to be cult shoppers,
only buying the same things and looking just as cracked out as they were the
last time I saw them, which caused me to lose interest.
Toxicity
CRAZY LEVEL: 8 1/2
CHARACTERISTICS: Large ass. She has more facial hair than I do
(and I'm a guy). She also emits a foul stink that seems to be a combination
of butt, armpit odor, and barnyard animal feces.
WHY I REMEMBER: Another CSM once got caught in the off-color cloud
that was surrounding this customer. She began swooning and only once she had
stumbled from the clutches of the cloud could I move in to catch her before
she tumbled to the tile floor.
UPDATE: I saw her, accompanied by her usual green cloud. Assuming
that the cloud was poisonous and that it would cause me to obtain webbed feet,
I took a detour to the grocery store across the street because I figured I would
be safe there.
Bunny-rabbit Girl has been
removed due to her lack of appearance in the store; however, she was seen standing
at my register expecting some assistance. I guess her mom had one of those Social
Services vouchers, so I was forced against my will to help her. Fucking luck.
Phone Card Guy
ANNOYING LEVEL: 32.5 on a scale of 1-10.
CHARACTERISTICS: Crazy, always smells like refried beans and usually
is still wearing them on his shirt. Can be seen purchasing two York peppermint
patties daily.
WHY I REMEMBER: After adding minutes on his phone card, he looked
at me and said "Pen" and I said "Yes, it is." He wanted
to use it, but I would not let him until he said please. Needless to say he
ended up not using it.
UPDATE: I heard the click of a phone card being thrown onto the
counter. In an attempt to salvage what sanity I had left, I quickly made an
escape and left Phyllis (another CSM) to deal with him, since she has much better
people skills than I do. I am an evil person, I really am. Oh, and he no longer
buys peppermint patties... now it's Reese's peanut-butter cups.
Cancelled Layaway Man
ANNOYING LEVEL: 9
CHARACTERISTICS: Short, slightly fat, and resembles a very large
three-year-old. Appears to have the IQ of a cinderblock and sounds the same
as he stutters through sentence after sentence of senseless shit that I could
care less about.
WHY I REMEMBER: He became very irate after I told him his layaway
had been cancelled because it was 27 days overdue. He proceeded to complain
because we had not called him (even though we had called him unsuccessfully
SEVEN TIMES). I proved him wrong point after point and he finally accepted his
refund without further argument. He then sulked away and began trying to find
other stuff to put back into layaway, probably so we can repeat this episode
in late August.
UPDATE: I saw him buying some Crunch n Munch. For some reason,
I felt the unmistakable urge to go over and do the Diva Chop on the back of
his neck. Instead, I opted for the customer-service-oriented approach, and instead
gave him the nasty "I work retail because I'm desperate for a job"
eye-roll.
*The Family has been removed
out of respect for the sudden death of the younger daughter. If I had forseen
this coming, I would never have added them and maybe would not have taken away
my doubt of their sanity, because talking to them after the death, they are
some of the most sane people you will ever meet. May The Family be in our thoughts.*
Photo Lady
CRAZY LEVEL: 8
CHARACTERISTICS: Older than the Bible, spends much of her visit
at Wal-Mart terrorizing unsuspecting electronics sales associates. Claims to
have swollen feet that prevent her from waiting an hour for photos to be finished
when she has already been there two hours, which makes no sense to me. Gets
really loud and rude, suddenly apologizes, then starts causing a scene again.
WHY I REMEMBER: One picture out of six on a page didn't turn out,
and she wanted the page for free. The electronics clerk told her no, the store
manager told her no, and I offered to give them to her for $4 even. But none
of that was good enough. She began to holler into the electronics clerk's face
right in front of me and the electronics clerk began to get in Photo Lady's
face. Out of fear that a fight may start, I called the store manager, who only
makes the lady even more angry. She began to punch the counter as if it were
the counter's fault and yell and curse at a nearby cashier. I almost offered
to go get her some Phillips constipation capsules from the pharmacy, as the
look on her face convinced me that her Depends Adult Undergarments were packed
to full capacity and was causing her bowels to be severely backed up. From the
way her voice kept cracking and her face continually wrinkled up, I assumed
the obvious.
UPDATE: She has remained true to her promise to never shop at Wal-Mart
again. Therefore, she has not been seen. VICTORY!!! One small step for my cause,
one giant leap for retail kind.
The
Destroyer
CRAZY LEVEL: 10
CHARACTERISTICS: Always in a wheelchair and loves to accuse people
of being rude even though she is the one with a stick in her ass every time
she comes into the store.
WHY I REMEMBER: Phyllis (the much talked about CSM) took a receipt
from her and The Destroyer accused her of snatching it from her. Their little
"You did/No I didn't" argument lasted all of ten minutes before I
appointed a stockman to take her out to her car. She proceeded to sit in the
entryway of the store and bitch about nothing in particular for the better part
of thirty minutes.
Then, if that was not enough, once when I wheeled her out, she first accused
me of rolling her too fast. Then when we got to her car, she whispered for me
to come closer. When I leaned down, she said "I believe that you hit every
bump on purpose." I no longer help her.
UPDATE: Was seen perusing the food department, no doubt looking
for Great Value Oatmeal cookies to throw on the floor and run over repeatedly
with her wheelchair. *MINI-UPDATE* I saw her running over a package of GV Oatmeal
Cookies. I'm sure it just fell out of her wheelchair basket on accident, but
I just turned right back around and went and shopped at Sapulpa WM*
Dinky
CRAZY LEVEL: 9
CHARACTERISTICS: Hippie woman who always comes in the store. She
is very odd. After her hippie van broke down, she used to hobble everywhere
(she was in some sort of weird accident... probably on flower power). But her
Medicaid kicked in and now she has a power scooter that she uses to run around
the store in. I have a feeling that she also uses it to haul gravel and other
assorted earthen items in due to the abundance of mud all over the thing.
WHY I REMEMBER: One time, not at Wal-Mart, she stopped me outside
of one of my classes and asked me if I wanted to buy some stuff from her. Then
one time in the store, she was sitting in her little mobility unit and was reading
magazines without paying for them. She always comes up and asks how much things
are. I have a slight suspicion that she cannot read.
UPDATE: Last seen stealing a load of fishing tackle. When asked
to see her receipt, she stated that she brought them in and they were hers.
I believed her about as much as I believe the liars and cheats that infiltrate
the psychological wall that I have built around myself.
And people ask me how I handle
that job....
LAST PSYCHO UPDATE:
Saturday, 11/12/2011 6:26 PM
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