RETURN TO LAKE CSASBA


Chapter I
The Intro

    Thoughout the course of history many great men have fallen, many 
great stories ended... The miracle of man is that for every great man fallen, 
another is born, for every great story ended, a new one is begun. Such 
is times only destiny, to recreate that which it inevitably destroys.
    The greatest question posed to modern man is what if time created a 
man that would not die, a story that would not end regardless of how much 
it should be ended, this is such a story, a story of such a man. A man so 
infamous, with a brow so furry, he could be called only "senor Csasba".
     Captain Lance Heroic was an airforce pilot, and a damn good one. 
He was serving in the proudest and strongest airforce in the world at the 
time.. the USAF. Little did he know that one man was waiting to destroy all he 
had fought for, all that he believed was eternal. Right now Lance was 
thinking of his sweetheart, Mira Pureheart, he was also thinking of his 
mistress, Lolita Dirtywhore. Was Lolita realy fucking his gunner...?
    Reality snapped back to Lance's mind as he saw the small Eastern 
European village incinerated underneath him. "Take that, foreigners" he 
thought as he watched the children scramble from the napalm his 
bombadier had dropped. "That'll teach ya to fuck with the U S of A" he 
laughed as he remembered how these villagers posed the single greatest threat to 
humanity, the greatest threat to democracy, an opposing viewpoint.
     "Nice shot, Burt" he said as he turned around "teach those brown 
fucker to speak a little english maybe"
    "I hate my life" the bombadier shouted back. "Lolita's a WHORE!!!"
    Lance never understood old Burt, then again noone did. Ever since 
the squadron had been deployed to Rogoslavia on their peacekeeping mission, 
Burt had been acting especially strange.
    This peacekeeping mission was the bravest and boldest ever 
undertaken by the US. Rogoslavia had been torn apart by civil strife ever 
since a local family had been extincted by Rogoslavians several years before. The 
powers that be in America finally had a breakthrough. If noone was left in 
Rogoslavia, the bloodshed there would stop. America had the firepower, 
the manpower and the willpower. This mission Lance knew would lead 
Rogoslavia, and hence the world one step closer to
peace.
    "Why am I so fat?!!?" Lance turned to face his ranting bombadier, 
    "What the hell is wrong with this guy," he thought.
    There was a buzz, a sort of hiss really. Lance looked at his panel, 
they were losing altitude and fast. What the hell happened.
    "CHRISSAKES" shhouted one of his crewmen. "We just lost both 
engines, I swear to god, we weren't hit. Hell these guys are unarmed anyhow"
     The altitude indicator kept dropping, Lance had a hard time 
steering the plane. He scanned the horizon, hoping for that which man always 
hopes for... more hope. He saw a blue glint on the horizon. He squinted and 
tried to make it out better, he came to realize it was a lake. At last, more 
hope.
    "I'm gunna try to take us down in that lake over there" he said. 
"Get yer floatation gear on, this is gunna be a rough landing." He turned 
around again, the crew was frozen.. "GODDAMIT, MOVE!!"
    The crew scurried, save for one man, the bombadier. "I want to DIE" 
he shouted. "GO AHEAD SHOOT ME!!! WHY DO WOMEN HATE ME?!?!"
    As Lance scrambled to make reason out of this, he turned to the 
windshield. His mind went blank, everything he thought he knew about 
his life, his time on earth, the earth itself was instantly shattered for 
on the window he saw three reflection, two were laughing.
    One was his own, and written upon it was fear, true fear, like when 
you're caught masturbating. The other two were laughing maniacally. One 
was a bronzed face, like that of a local, it had a bushy moustache and a 
furry brow. The other was.. a mouse?
    Then he heard a voice, "Welcome to Lake Csasba, Mr. Heroic, I hope 
you enjoy your visit"
     "So am I to survive this crash" he said. Fear mingled with hope, 
that hope which seperates man from beast. That hope which drives us all to 
something better. That hope which keeps us going from day to day. That 
hope which empowers, enliven and enlightens. Then the plane blew up and he 
died.
     On the ground a group of American Peace Corp volunteers saw the 
plane explode. One of them said "cool".


Chapter II
The Television

"In the midnight hour of humanities end, only one voice will ring clear.  And 
that's the voice of a lone beggar asking for the broken world."

-Slaow Teller from his book "Funny Things People Will Say When Being Tortured 
to Death."

	In his office in DC, Kyle McVvhite turned his head to television 
glaring in the corner of the room.  
	"A shame," he thought to himself.  "That good decent Americans are 
killed everyday."  
	The TV news channel rattled on about the latest kidnapping of a nice 
young lady and her two children.  The had just recently found the body of the 
woman and one of her children in an abandoned car on the side of the road, the 
second child has not been found yet.  Just then an office boy ran into Kyle 
McVvhite's office.  
	"Sir, the bombing campaign in Rogoslavia was a success!"  exclaimed the
 errand boy.  He was caring papers in his hand partially shuffling threw them, 
partially reading them.
	"It's just a damn shame that good decent Americans have to die that 
way.  I mean what kind of sick wierdo would kill good decent Americans like 
that?" Mr. McVvhite went on.
	"Oh did they find the second child yet?"  eagerly asked the office boy.
	"No, they're still searching," McVvhite answered.  "It's just a damn 
shame."  
	"Oh sir," the office boy remembering what he went into the room to 
report.  "The bombing campaign in Rogoslavia.  A total success."  
	He began to shuffle threw the papers again deciphering what information 
he could.  "Our satellite images show nothing but charred remains and 
smoldering piles of rubble.  At last we will have brought peace to the war torn
 regions of Rogoslavia."
	McVvhite only half paid attention, still focused on the television.  
	The office boy continued, "Sir, the only problem is that one of our 
F-271 Fighting Bombers was shot down.  The plane was carrying four airmen."
	"It's just a shame that innocent people die..." McVvhite went on
 muttering.
	"Sir, America's Champion, Lance Heroic was on that plane.  He is more
 than likely dead."  The office boy grew somber, a slowly stared up from the
 hand full of papers.
	McVvhite, somewhat startled replied, "Lance, who?"
	The Television continued blaring as the office errend boy continued to
 explain the war in Rogoslavia to McVvhite.
	On the screen was a charming young man dressed in bussiness attire.  He
 sounded smooth and had a deep voice.
	"In other news today, a man was shot on the streets last night and
 we've caught it on film," he said as the screen now shared an image of him and
 a sharply dressed woman.  
	"That's right Steve," she said.  She wore a dark blue yet subtle jacket
 matching her eyes.  
        She continued, "Last night at 11pm a man ran claiming he was a prophet
 of God was... oh wait... there's the footage now."
	The TV switched to an image of a dimly lit damp street with a shadowy
 figure running down the middle.
	She continued, "There he goes... there he goes..."
	"Wow, look at him go," Burt butted in.
	"Oh and he's down," the fine young lady commented.
	She continued, "The man assaulted several people in the rich part of
 town claiming he was a prophet of God.  When police tried to confront the man
 he started to run.  The officer tried to pursue him on foot, but started
 shooting when they got tired."
	"That must have been in the first two minutes, right Barb?" Steve tried
 to make a funny.
	"Right Steve, you don't want to run away from the cops in this town,"
 she said.
	"Well why would you, unless you had something to hide," Steve said as a
 matter of factly.  
	Steve continued, "In other news, Government officials announced today
 that the only way world peace can be brought about is if Middle Class citizens
 are taxed more.  Senator McVvhite had this to say about it.  
	The screen then cut to a fat Senator McVvhite in front of a podium. 
 Occasionally flash photography would go off during his speech.
	"We just have no other choice.  We can't very well tax the Rich and big
 businesses.  Fore if we were to do that, then they may leave the States, and
 start their companies up in other countries where it would be cheaper to
 operate, like China.  And we can't very well tax the poor since they don't
 have any money.  Believe me, if we could tax the poor we would, and lift this
 burden off the American people.  But as it stands it's up to the hard working
 people of the United States to bare the financial burden to bring about world
 peace."
	The screen then cut back to Steve in the newsroom.
	Steve continued, "Government officials say the tax increase will happen
 over a long period of time and should go unnoticed by most Americans, since
 they are largely apathetic and have short attention spans."
	"Largely is right Steve.  Obesity is on the rise in the States," Barb
 said.  "But first, lets look at that guy getting shot again before we cut to
 commercial."
	Poppy synthesized xylophone-ish music started playing as the image
 appeared again with the man running away, only this time the channel action
 news logo appeared in the corner of the screen.  Steve and Barb began their
 chit chat that they due before every commercial break.
	"It looks like he just might get away," Steve said.
	"Yes, but then they snag him just before he can duck behind those
 cars," Barb says this while tilting her head to one side and nodding at the
 same time.
	"Yup, there he goes.  He's down."  Steve said.
	Senator McVvhite turned down the TV.
	"Damn it, you made me miss my spot on the news," McVvhite said brewing.
	"Oh, sorry sir," the office boy apologized.  �but I thought you should
 know about the war this country is currently waging right now, since you are a
 senator.�
	"Oh wait here's my ad!  Quite quite!" McVvhite said gleaming.
	The Television had a picture of McVvhite with the faint majestic image
 of the American Flag in the background.  
	"Hi, I'm Senator McVvhite.  Recently my constituents from the other
 party lobbied to let more immigrants into this country more.  Can you believe
 that?  More immigrants!�  He emphasized the word as if it was an unbelievable
 atrocity.  
�In dark times such as these, is that what we really need, more immigrants? 
 More immigrants to take our jobs, more immigrants to use up our social
 security money, I mean, our goal should be to take care of Americans first. 
 Doesn�t America already do enough to create peace in their land so they don't
 have to come here.  Beside, is this what you want to happen?"
	The image cut to a cartoon caricature of a brown skinned male, with a
 large sombrero, overly exaggerated handle bar mustache, and a rainbow colored
 poncho.
	"Hello, I'm Juan," said the cartoon character.
	"I'm going to take your jobs away from you!" said Juan.  
The cartoon then went into a factory and pushed a white balding male in a blue
 jump suit away from his machine.
	"Hey!" said the white male.
	A man in a business suit who was suppose to be the factory worker�s
 boss stepped up.  
"Sorry, but Juan works for less, and he�ll work longer hours because he is
 hopped up on drugs," said the man.
	The factory worker gets in his car and starts driving home.  On the way
 home he sees several foreigners in the street.  One was a  pregnant brown
 woman holding a baby collecting a social security check from the mail.  He
 also passes several brown gang members in low riders, shooting guns in the air
 and at each other, all the while hooting and hollering.  He passes one dirty
 homeless brown man taking a shit while holding a bottle in a brown paper bag.
	The unemployed worker finally gets home.  Exhausted he opens the door
 and says, "Honey, you'll never believe what happened- WHAT THE?!?!"
	In the middle of the floor is the cartoon character named Juan with a
 naked bent over woman in front of him.
	"My name is Juan, now I will be fucking your wife," said Juan in a
 thick foreign accent.
	The scene then cut to Senator McVvhite.
	"You know, it's as if that other candidate in that other party just
 doesn't get it.  America is for Americans.  It's almost like we have two
 parties here.  There�s the foreign party, and then there's my party.  The
 right party.�
	As the picture faded a dark voice with meaning stated, "Senator 
McVvhite, he wants to keep America for Americans, shouldn't you?"
The ad ends with, �I'm Senator McVvhite, and I approve of this ad."
	Back in the office, Senator McVvhite turned to his office boy and 
asked, "Well?  What do you think?"
	"I can't believe they let you air that on television," said the 
nameless office boy.
	Meanwhile, on the corner of Genesee St. and Michigan Ave, right by the 
express way in a slightly out of the way town of Saginaw, Michigan, a tree 
grew.  It grew as it had been doing for many years.  This year was an early 
spring, and its green leafs had started to come in.  It grew next to a stop 
sign.




Chapter III

The unfunny

"And the cow goes..MOO 
and the cat goes..MEOW 
and the lion goes..Roar! 
And that's the way it goooooeeeessss."

- Andy Kaufman




     The man stared thoughtlessly at the television, knowing what it 
had 
told him was true. Beyond that he realized it was a truth only for a 
select 
few, the few true American's left.

     "McVhite is our last hope" he muttered to himself. "Damned foreign 
types gunna take all our jobs, we gotta do something, and something 
soon."

    A dog howled, a faucet was leaking, and the air was heavy with 
maurijauna smoke. Ted Ubiquitous leaned back in his armchair, nothing 
good 
was ever on TV anymore... except the Senator's ads. He glanced at his 
VHS 
collection, some old movies and every season of America's Funniest Home 
Video's, well the ones hosted by Bob Sagat.

    Ted had always felt a special bond with Sagat. It was as if the two 
had 
a secret communique that noone else understood. His ex-wife hadn't 
understood it.

     "that's why she's an 'ex'" he chuckled as he took another drag. 
"Noone 
knows true pain, noone knows what it means to be a real american, a 
member 
of the US national guard. To fight for one's country.." he lost his 
train of 
thought.

      A phone rang, he leaned back in his armchair, trying to collect 
himself. "Hello," he answered.. wrong number. The man was ready for 
sleep, 
to dream, to dream the dreams he had been experiencing ever since his 
nation 
had told him he would soon be in active duty again.

     He glanced about his trailor. He saw his dog, his beer and his 
bud. The 
man opened another beer and packed another bowl. "damned foreigners, 
ruined 
my life"

     The television blared another ad for a cereal, it showed a clever 
squirell outwitting a hard-pressed man for some cereal. Bob had always 
hated 
squirells, hated them with a passion. His family had never understood 
why, 
that perhaps was part of the reason he lived alone. That and the fact 
that 
Bob refused to bathe on religious principles.

     The dog howled again, forcing Bob back into reality. "Damned 
mutt," he 
said as he took another sip, " no better than a..." he was lost again, 
in 
his own mind. Fantastic images swirled about his head. Abstraction, 
complete 
and total, like loyalty. Noone understood loyalty like Bob did. It 
meant 
dedication, love and willingness...

     The faucet bothered him. In two more days this would all be gone. 
He 
would be fighting for his country, shooting Rogoslavians, and being a 
hero. 
Bob had always wanted to shoot men, in a way, just bad men. Many people 
had 
said Bob wanted to shoot anyone, he was just afraid of the law. Bob 
knew 
better, only bad men had to die, and he knew what right and wrong was 
with 
strong men like McVhite leading this great country.

     He grimmaced, exposing a row of crooked yellowed teeth. He was 
told 
that he was not in fighting shape by his coworkers, but they were 
wrong. 
Perhaps his body had a bit of a paunch, perhaps his arms were a tad 
scrawny, 
but true fight was in the mind. He knew that, Sagat whispered that to 
him.

     A row of pictures caught his wandering eye. Hid family, now gone 
to 
him. His mother Aroo-go-gsga, father Bushikaka, and his half-brother, 
Azzizi. Azzizi had died in Rogoslavia, Bob knew that he would not. It 
was 
more than a feeling, it was a dream.

     Bob saw a flag as the station he was watching ended broadcasting 
hours. 
The national anthem played. His heart swelled with pride, and his 
emptied 
mind filled with something else, he passed out on his chair.

     Still later that night, nothing funny happenend.