The beginning of my pregnancy was pretty ruff. I had bleeding for a few days at 9 weeks, but my doctor assured me everything was okay and the baby was just fine. I started having what I thought was contracts with leaking fluid at 14 weeks, so I rushed to see my doctor. He told me it was just from my uterus growing so quickly and to just go home and sleep it off. I took the AFP test at 16 weeks and two days later I got the worst call in my life, the doctor called to inform me that my results looked bad. My baby was showing a increased risk of having a NTD. I knew that this test had a high false rate, but to hear that my baby had a chance of having something seriously wrong, words can�t describe how completely devastated I felt. He told me it would be best to have a Level II ultra sound and an Amnio to make sure of the results. I was 17 weeks along when I went in to have the Amnio and ultra sound. They ultra sound showed a perfectly formed little baby, my baby was perfect. They asked if I wanted to know the sex of my baby, they then told me it looked like I was going to have a little girl. The tech told me the bleeding in the beginning of my pregnancy was due to Placenta Previa, my whole cervix was almost covered. The doctor encouraged me to still have the Amnio done because they can miss things on the ultra sound, and it would be best if I was 100% sure the baby was okay. When they pulled the fluid out it was green. The doctor looked at me and said that my fluid should be clear. I had an infection in the fluid. He told me the green color meant it was old blood. I was prescribed antibiotics and told to take it easy for a few days. What I had suspected was really true, something was really wrong. At that moment my whole world came crashing down. The doctor said it probably came when I was bleeding from the Previa. Ten hours later I was laying in bed and I had sat up to talk to my mom and the most horrible day of my life had just begun, my water broke as I went to sit up. I went completely hysterical, I grabbed the phone and called my doctor in a panic. Since I was only 17 weeks I knew what it meant. My baby was going to die, I kept screaming asking him if they could stop it and save the baby. I dialed 911 and laid on the floor crying and praying for this not to be happening. When I got to the ER they informed me that my membranes had ruptured from the infection in the fluid. They then told me that the infection had passed into my body, and if I decided to try and save the "Fetus" I would most likely lose my own life trying. The whole time I was in the hospital they kept calling my Son nothing more that a "Fetus". The only option I really had was to be induce. 25 hours after being in labor I heard the nurse say �okay the baby�s coming now�. I remember looking at Zach with tears rolling down face and saying it�s happening. He came and kneeled down next to me and held my hand while I buried my head into his shoulder. Every time I looked down all I saw was blood everywhere, he kept telling me not to watch and that it was just messy and everything was okay, they told me to push and I tried so hard to, but I was to upset and crying to hard to. After a few short pushes I delivered my first child, my son, Skyler. His heart wasn�t beating when he was born so I call him a stillborn. The nurses kept encouraging me to hold him and let them take a picture of him of me. I just could bring my self to do either, all I could do was stare at him while a nurse held him. I don�t know if I was protecting my self from the reality of what had just happened. I now feel like such a horrible mom for not having him in my arms where he should have been. He was my baby, and I feel like I betrayed him. The only thing I have to hold on to is his feet and handprints. I am so grateful the nurse and the funeral home took them, they are the only memento I have to remember him by. All I was suppose to deal with was being a single mom, and telling my child why there dad wasn�t in there life, not dealing with the death of my child and having only feet prints to remember him by... This is the hardest thing that I have ever gone through. I have to take it breath-by-breath, and day-by-day� Time may make me a stronger person, but I don�t think it will ever heal the piece of my heart I lost the day he died �

















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