I feel like Im a prisoner here. No chains, no collar around my neck, no bars on the windows...but still a prisoner. I cant stay but yet i cant leave.
He found out Jane had moved out of the manor. She knew what he would do when she told him she had moved out. And he reacted just we all figured he would. Well, she is back at the manor where she wanted to be. And still he has made -no- choice. SO she gained nothing by moving, she knew she would go back. It was just to mess with his mind and she accomplished it once again.
Im so very tired of picking up the pieces. I was going to leave, but i was informed I wasnt going anywhere and he would kill me If i tried. I dont really care any more. Is this really living anyways?? And he says ""IF i leave it will rip the heart from his chest??"" What the hell does he think he is doing to me???? Does he even care??
Ali wanted to leave the island also. He told her she cant leave either. He wants control of everything and everyone..
People talking to me not wanting me to leave. But yet say to stay away from him. How do i do that? Well, i was so angry, I went into his office last night and dropped a lit candle in the middle of his bed, then just watched. Ali put the fire out but yet the bed is ruined..I stayed at Nun's Guildhall last night.. But only agreed to stay there if there was a lock on the door. I dont want to see Alterio and i dont want him any where near me.
If sex is the only reason he is -forcing- me to stay here, well he can go to Jane, or Jasmin or a whore at the docks... Im sure any of them will be more than glad to take care of him and yes i include Jane and Jasmin in that. And to think I was thinking of having a child with him. Well, If im already pregnant.... I will kill myself. And if i cant accomplish that,, well he will never know its his and i will put it in the orphanage.. I cant leave but I cant stand being around him anymore.
"sighs shaking her head at her angry ramblings, maybe she has finally lost her mind, she throws the quill down and slams the journal closed"
Journal Entry, 29 May, Vixen Blade
::she startles awake sitting in the chair at her desk after another night of no real sleep, she must have passed out at some point or other only to wake to a very sore body and a bad headache, she reaches for her quill and tries to clear her thoughts::
Since Ards return things have gotten more stressful then they could have ever been. I will admit that I did not allow myself to miss him while he was away, more because I didn't think he would be coming back then anything else. Nun, Ard, Zy, Treyman, Mags, Dan, Alterio, Jane, Vixen.... none knowing that they are pulling me in all different directions, yet every last one of them doing just that.
::she shakes her head and dips the quill again before going back to her original thoughts::
Ard says the reason he didn't tell me he was leaving or where he was going is because he wanted to 'protect' me. I damn near laughed at that, I simply can't imagine what would make anyone think that I of all people need protection. As if I am a child that is incapable of taking care of myself. Was he the one that took care of Zyllah and I all these years? I think not it is not the blood of all those people on his hands, the blood stains MY hands. I am the one that has always protected my sister, those close to me, with no regard for my own life. So now that is supposed to change? He says he did it because he loves me. So I am to believe that when you love someone it's okay to just vanish and not say where you are going.... and if you never come back then it's okay because you were 'protecting' the one you love? Bah! He still never told me where he was exactly.
::shakes her head as she dips the quill again determined to finally put this entire thing into some sort of logical arrangement::
Nun, he's another story. To stand before me and tell me to strike him and to make sure I struck true, well I am not sure what exactly he thought he would prove, but I think he was a bit shocked when I did indeed slice him open. He has never claimed love for me, but he has claimed that eventually I would be his and we would have children together. He once asked me what I felt in my heart. I told him but I know he was not happy with the response. He knows that I am loyal, but now he also realizes that the only love I have is the love of battle. Well... at least that's what I want him and everyone else to think. He told me life didn't have to be that way if I would only just let it be. He asked me to be loyal to him and that he would never ask anything more of me. Then what is he doing now.....
::she shakes her head resting the quill for a moment as she wipes her eyes trying to make some sense of everything, then picks the quill up as one of her guards enter with a scroll. glancing at the guard as she takes the scroll then turns back to what she was doing::
Neither Ard nor Nun believe that they are trying to change me yet both of them are indeed doing just that. Ard wants me to just sit asking him no questions about where he vanishes off to and wait patiently for him to return. Nun wants me to go against my training, go against my way of life and turn into some mushy weak minded patsy for love, to get married and stay away from fighting so that I can produce him many children? Bah how insane is that.
::she sighs setting the quill down and picking up the scroll reading over the things that Ard and Mags spoke of last eve before she arrived, her brows furrow::
Mags, she is right we do have a mutual respect for one another. Yet I wonder what her true intentions are. I can remember back to the night when I wanted to leave her for dead on the arena floor, I also remember Nun coming to her aid and wanting to fight me for fighting her. How quickly things change. I never thought that I would even care to look at Mags, yet I do care. I would like to see her happy. I know that she doesn't like Ard, but when have I ever cared about what anyone thought of anything I do? She is not the one that has to live with whatever choice I make, I am. Who is to say that I will even pick between them. I told her last night that I don't have to make choices that my choices are made for me by everyone else, that was a lie and I knew it, but most of the time that is how I feel. For the last few days I have felt like a piece of meat at the market, sometimes I think I just want them all to finally pull hard enough so that I rip into seperate parts and they can all have a piece. Mags, I know she is trying to stand by me, to see me happy, yet she doesn't realize no matter what happens happiness is something that doesn't come without a price especially for someone like me. Where most would sell their soul to be in love, I would do just about anything to not be, to not care and to just be left to live in some sort of peace. Dan he sides with Mags. Hell he has even gone so far ask if he should learn the wedding march, that was before Ard came home though. I know Alterio's thoughts of Ard, he doesn't like it one bit, that was made perfectly clear when he told me to get rid of Ard and ripped the pendant from my neck.
::she zones out for a few minutes as the thoughts get scrambled in her mind, snapping out of it she shakes her head and goes back to writing::
I sat back last night watching the Jane/Alterio/Vixen triangle last night. It truly makes me sick. Everyone has their hands all up in the middle of it with their thoughts expresed openly. Jane does what she thinks she needs to do to keep her sanity, I don't blame her. I can see that she cares for Alterio, but to move out of the manor and into her cottage again... if I were here I would fight. I am not her however, and if she feels that moving back to the cottage with Trey is the right thing to do, then I support that decision. Vixen gets so upset that she threatens to leave the island, naturally Alterio says he won't let her go and that he would kill her. He cares for Vixen, hell Alterio cares for many people, but the situation is getting out of hand. Guess me and Alt are once again floating around on the same boat and we will both have to decide sooner or later. As well as for both of us it looks like deciding sooner is going to be what has to happen. Many people are threatening Alterio, but I will not just sit back and watch anything happen to him. The day I just sit back and let any harm befall him by anyone other then his own blood will never come. Not long ago Vixen claimed she would die a million times over in defense of Alterio just as I would, yet it seems to be that just last night she said she wanted to kill him. I seem to be the only one that accepts him for what he truly is, without trying to change him in anyway. Vixen knew what she was getting into when she did it, Jane didn't know anything about Vixen. Yet the facts reveal that even though Vixen has been Alterio's mistress for all this time since before he proposed to Jane, he did indeed propose to Jane. It is possible that the heart feel for more then one at a time, most just don't seem to want to deal with that fact.
::she shakes her head dipping the quill yet once again::
Treyman may be my only escape from the madness, yet I haven't seen him since he was raised. He was supposed to come have dinner in the cove, but Jane gave her apologies and said something that I simply don't remember. She still thinks that he will leave me destroyed..... destruction how I love that word. I close my eyes and can almost smell the blood clinging to the very air I breathe when I hear that word. Destruction, my own path of self-destruction. It now has a name, a face, a body, Treyman..... the bringer of my destruction? For some reason I just don't think that he would ever harm me, but alas perhaps I am daft, perhaps that is indeed his intention. Either way Treyman seems to be a way for me to forget about all the other strife in my life right now.
::a brief smile forms on her lips::
Crunch, how he showers me in compliments. He seems so kind and gentle to me. I am teaching him how to read and write. Most I would imagine wouldn't give him the time of day, but yet I like him. He is the only one that I know of that has yet to pass judgment on me, although I know when he learns of what I truly am he won't be coming around anymore either. He protects me in his own way. I will enjoy the times that are still pure with him, and I will remember back to them when he finally leaves my side. I enjoy spending time with him, teaching him, talking to him, he is a very special person... even if he is half-ogre.
::the smile fades as she dips the quill yet again and her thoughts shift towards her sister::
Zyllah, how I have missed my sweet sister. Then when she finally does make it to the dome, she finds me with my blade slicing up a stranger for calling me a half-breed. I let the man live and told Nun that I would not kill him in front of Zy, it was then that she left once again and I haven't seen her since. Everytime I see her lately I disappoint her, I fail her. She doesn't come around nearly as much as she used to, she never sends word, I guess I have finally failed her for the last time and she has cut those ties to me. I miss her so much though.
::she finally drops the quill as all the thoughts scramble in her head again and her head pounds intensely causing her great pain, she shoves the journal aside stumbles out of the chair and down the tunnel to her room slamming the door behind her::
Journal Entry, 29 May, Teiyah.
Dear Diary,
I sit here in Sir Carazzi's manor this night, next to Jane, who I've finally coaxed into restless slumber. How shocked she was to hear that Alterio threatened my voice. How enraged and utterly anguished. She never planned to move back this way. She said so much. If things are not worked out this day, then back we shall go, dragging the insufferable Treyman along behind us. It was, after all, my decision to come here in the first place. None of our belongings have travelled with us.
Alterio has been...explained to me by numerous people that know him well. I think I have a grasp on what sort of reasoning and logic he holds. Jane would never be happy in an easy relationship. She needs a mate as wild as she, but I believe that this time she may have gotten in over her head. Alterio is of a unique breed, and I wonder if Jane will ever be able to keep him happy. If not, then he will never be able to keep Jane happy. I know that girl like I know my own hands.
Last night was ridiculous, how the uproar began, everyone shouting, screaming, throwing things instead of sitting down and attempting communication like civilized folk. No one attempts to understand anyone else in this place. That is their difficulty. Even Jane runs into things blindly. Blind trust is her problem. She is naive in many ways. But so are all the others. And the one who called Jane a fool...well, mark my words, the girl is no fool. The one who judges is the one upon whom harsh judgement shall be passed in the end.
This man, Alterio. He will not pass his lies on me. I'm not so forgiving and concerned with the feelings of others. He will get away with nothing in my presence, and once we've time to talk about this, it will be over. I plan to get to the bottom of it, and end it one way or another. Nevermind that this claim may sound haughty and arrogant. I could care less, myself.
No one has the faintest idea what they want in this place. They bounce between what looks good at the time. They lack conviction. A few begin to grasp it, but let go as soon as the slightest obstacle gets in their way. I have no problems, myself. This is because I know exactly what I want from life, and I've already got it. Because I owe Jane I great deal, I will help set her on her path. I asked her what is was she wanted, and she simply stated, "To be who I am". She has only the barest grip on who she is at the moment. She needs room to grow! Everyone does, so why don't they remove themselves from everyone else's faces, and get on with it?
Jane is stirring. It's certainly about time.
Sirrala "the Silver Songstress", Journal Entry, 29 May.
:sits in her room gazing out the window not feeling well she picks up her diary and begins to write:
I stayed at the manor all day this day in my room. No one bothered to seek me out I never expected any would.
The Lady Jane and her people came back to the manor last eve I have made sure to steer clear of her and her friend as I know Lady Jane does not approve of my presence. My master Knows I am loyal to him and always will be if they do get married I shall serve the Mistress of the manor as I serve my master loyaly and faithfully...
I have a awful headache this day and have not been able to rid myself of it I think I worry to much I worry about my frined Vixen and my Master I only want him to be happy as well as her.
I am happy for Lady Mags and Dan it warms my heart to know they are spending time together .. I miss my friendship with Tei and feel so alone most of the time I Know that all only tolarate my presence because I am owned by Sir Carazzi. Once they were kind and friendly to me now I am but here.....
Mags and Dan are still offering to help me and do watch over me when my master is away. But none approach me as I am but a slave ...
Journal Entry, 29 May, Jasmin Rose{AC}
~sits on the porch of the little cottage she now shares with Sirrala and her Uncle. Treyman is swimming in the ocean, working to build up his strength. Sirrala is beside her in a rocking chair, bent over her song folio, her lute next to her. Jane sighs and sets herself to her writing~
I feel very peculiar. It's like I suddenly hit on the right answer, the right path, and at last pushed forward and freed myself from the suffocating box Alterio had put me in. He never meant to do wrong by me, I know, which is why I don't lay blame on him. He only wished to protect me, thinking of me as something I never was or ever could be. I think that's what hurts the most, the fact that I was a replacement for Mirell, and the maybe he never loved me for -or even saw- *me*. Did he only see someone else in me that whole time? That's what kills me. That's why I had to go in the end. It's what convinced me. I never wanted to believe it, even when Sirrala suggested it, but when Torlin stated it straight to my face, I couldn't lie to myself anymore. One of the worst experiences in the world is to have your fears realized. One thing they got wrong though: no one will EVER cage me, not even Alterio. He may have tried his damnedest, but he didn't succeed.
~pauses to glance up at Sirrala, who's begun to unconsciously sing quietly to herself, that amazing silver silk of her voice familiar and soothing~
I'm ashamed of myself for being so determined to fix things and hang on, never caring to see what was really happening. Sirra was right when she said it wasn't mine to fix. I guess I just felt that I needed to prove something, that it wouldn't be right to turn away from someone I love. I discovered, to the contrary, that sometimes letting go is the right thing to do if you love. Sirra's forgiven me for my ignorance and blindness, but I feel I've lost Torlin's respect. I hate that, but I understand it and I can't hold it against him. I hate myself for losing who I was. I'm slowly turning back to that person I love that is me. I'm responsible for everything I did, and I'm used to making idiotic decisions. I'll pick myself up and move on as I always have. I made the right decision last night, finally. They mean it when they say mistakes are lessons learned. This one took me awhile.
I didn't know what to do with all the gifts Alterio gave me. I left them in my otherwise empty room at the manor. It wasn't until I got back here that I noticed the engagement ring. Sirra took it from me without a word and put it in a little velvet pouch which she vanished into her room with. I haven't asked her about it. I won't dwell, I won't feel sorry for myself. What would Father say? No, it will be business as usual until the next catastrophe. Of course I feel badly. I do love him, but I'm not running back to him by any stretch. I'll keep my feelings to myself, however, as I inflicted them. Those who expect me to mope and grieve openly don't know me very well.
~looks up to see Treyman strolling back to the cottage. He ruffles her hair and grins at her as he passes to go inside and dry off~
Speaking of Father, Uncle Treyman reminds me of him sometimes. He teases me as Father used to, and laughs as Father did. It's almost unnerving, but at the same time, it comforts me. I do see his own self in there, though. When we were at the manor, he would gaze at objects of Alterio's wealth with lust in his eyes. The afterlife may have sobered him a bit, but I wonder if he's not going to revert back to his old ways one day. As he grows stronger, I think of this more and more. He has yet to admit to what he's done. One day I shall co-
~is interrupted as Sirra stands, nudging her with a foot to tell her it's dinner time. She quickly signs the entry, and heads inside, smelling that wonderful salmon~
Journal Entry, 30 May, Jane Maichen
"sighs as she rereads his note yet again..How many times does that make..I cant remember..she lays it on the desk as she picks up the quill"
I guess when you want to much, you end up with nothing. It looks like Jane finally realizes Alterio wasnt in love with her but with a ghost that she reminds him of. Alterio wanted her to be Merill so bad. Jane has finally left him. ANd he has shoved me away yet again. IF he cant have her, he doesnt want me around either. He wanted two, now has none. He hasnt answered my note on what he wants me to do. Maybe he wants me to leave now..I saw him at 'dome last night for a few minutes. He looked like hell. I couldnt stand it and I left. I dont want to see him like this but theres nothing I can do.
Night before, I was up all night watching the artist paint Carinna's portrait. I never meant to burn it in the fire. I was so upset at him when I set his office on fire. I brought workers in yesterday, getting the office cleaned up and new furniture brought in. I planned on staying til it was finished, but i got called away on urgent matters. I instructed them to stay and finish the job..It had to be done before Alterio came in last night. By the time i got back, Alterio was there, so i didnt stay.
I sent a note of apology to him for what i did. I never wanted to hurt him. I feel like my heart has been shattered into a million pieces. They say love hurts, I guess thats true..If he cares for me at all, he is going to have to come to me and let me know.
"shakes her head wondering if love is worth all this"
I will never let anyone get this close to me again..Never. I wanted to die the other night, anything to end this. But i couldnt do it.I had the dagger in my hand but only managed to slice my hand..I cant leave him and cant seem to end my life to leave him either.
"tosses the quill on the desk as she gets up, she closes the journal"
Journal Entry, 31 May, Vixen.