At the time I was very religious a born again christian I was having many struggles with god, asking questions of why?, what was it that i'd done so badly in life to deserve this?, did god hate me?, I remember asking so many questions and not finding any solutions that would stop my heart from hurting, I tried talking to people but most around me kept it hush as not to hurt my feelings or upset me, I had'nt had a drink for 3 years, I remember going to the bottle shop knowing inside it was the wrong thing to do, and feeling so very guilty ( born again are not allowed or supposed to drink) but i walked up to the counter with a bottle of port not that i had ever had port before but it was the first bottle i grabbed feeling so scared, I went back home and opened the bottle and thought to myself this is not going to help me but drank anyway, I got very drunk, I woke up on the lounge in the morning to a husband who had returned home early, I felt so bad I told my husband what i'd done and he said it was ok he understood and he was going to have a drink too with that he pulled out a six pack of tinnies and opened one, it seemed he had the same thought that I had.
That day I will never ever forget it was the begining of what I now call the end.
My husband could not stop drinking from that day or didnt want to, things went very down hill, he became abusive physicaly and mentaly, there were many hard times, we stayed together for a further year until I could take it no more, and agreed it best we go our seperate ways.
Without counselling things can be very hard to cope with, if we had of known the resources back then we may still even be together now, however it was not meant to be, He re married and now has a beautiful son, he doesnt drink anymore and really is doing well, we talk and are very good friends these days, we did share a part in our lives that was and still is very special to us.
I met a wonderful man 3 years after the divorce and we had two beautiful children sadly this did not work out either, but life went on and my children and I coped the best we could, then came baby number three a beautiful little girl, it is a very complicated story and I wish not to go into it at this time, but I still have my 3 beautiful children aged 11 years girl, 8 years boy, and 5 years girl.
Just over 15 months ago I met my future husband he is a wonderful, gentle, caring man and has taken on my children as his own, it has been 15 years since I lost my baby Crystal, theres not a time she doesnt come to my mind especially when I look into my childrens eyes and see her reflection of what she might look like now, my children know of their little sister that lives in heaven,and they pray to her and say hello, and I answer questions that they may have, I believe that they have a right to know of what once was and still is a very big part of me.
I have had many struggles ups and downs through the years, but I can honestly say that now this time in my life is the happiest it has ever been, I have a beautiful man who cares and loves us all and 4 beautiful Angels three I can love and cuddle and hold in my arms, and one I can love and cuddle in my heart.
