Ok, skipping kindergarden really. Maybe just a summary...In kindergarden I met my second crush, Anthony. I was very loud and talkative most of the time. Basically I was still a happy little girl...
Then in first grade my life started coming apart. To this day I still feel so angry and upset with myself for what I did. What did I do? I put my mom through hell!
It all started one morning before school. We had both overslept and my mom was in a big hurry changing my shirt when a button hit me in the eye. I screamed, "OW! Why did you do that?"
"DO WHAT?!" my mother yelled back.
"Hit me!"
"I didn't hit you, the Button hit you!" my mom screamed.
So then we raced up the road to Randolph were I was going to school at the time. (I didn't really live in Randolph, but my grandparents did, so because my mom worked all day, and my older siblings had gone to Randolph school when they were younger, my mom would drive me up to my grandparents house everyday so I could take the bus to school.) Anyway, when my grandmother saw me that morning she looked at my mom and said "Jusus Carol. What'd ya do? Hit her?!"
So my mother said really annoyed "yea ma, I hit her." I laughed because I knew my mom was kidding, but my grandma believed her.
"Oh, you shouldn't hit her." My grandma said to my mom.
So by then I was confused as all hell. I went to school like every other day, and when the teacher asked for 2 volenteers to take the attendance down, stupid me jumped up and said "ME!!" (I was such a goodie-goodie, always trying to help out and be teacher's pet...but that would be a bad thing on that day.)
When I got down to the office with the other volenteer, the nurse took the attendence sheets from me and then said, "ow, what happened to your face?"
So I shrugged and said, "Oh, my mother punched me in the eye."
OOPS!!! I had NO idea that, that one f***ing sentence would be so damaging to the rest of my life. But it was. I still remember looking over at the other girl who came down to the office with me and seeing pure shock on her face. "what?" I asked. I didn't realize yet what I had done. The nurse told us to go back to class so we did.
"Your mother punched you?" the girl asked.
"Yea, so? It was an accident." Why couldn't I have just added that part in when I was talking to the nurse? WHY?! didn't I say, "oh my mom hit me with my shirt button on accident."?
So anyway, to make a very long story short, DYFS got involved and my mom had to go to court, she almost lost custody of me. I had to go to about 10 different counselers, who all asked me questions about me mom, until finally one day I just said, "Look, my mom never hit me! It was an accident, can you please make this stop!?" So that was it. I thought. DYFS had finally left us alone, but my mother has felt sad and angry about the whole situation for the past 10 years. She's about 10% angry at me, and about 90% angry at my grandmother. My mom never felt love from her mom, so by the time my mom was an adult, she flat out hated my grandmother. Which was also confusing and hurtful for me because I loved my grandma, and still do. She's nice to me and everybody else. I do believe that she was a horrible parent to my mother. So that makes me have mixed feelings about her.
The reason my mom is about 90% angry at myu grandma is because way before I was born, my mom had 4 children. (They all have the same father, and I have a different one.) When they were around the age range of 6 months to 6 years, their father asked for partial custody. So my mom said ok, because she felt it was important for her children to know their father and have a relationship with him. So the 3 older ones went down to "visit" their father, whil my brother Tim, who was just a baby at the time, stayed in New Jersey with my mom and her parents. Well their dad had went to a judge, asked for full custody, and the son-of-a-bitch got it. My mom was heartbroken. 3 of her children were taken hundreds of miles away from her forever. Mostly because they wanted to live in Florida and because my grandmother wouldn't testify in court that my mom was, and still is, a good mother. So basically because my mom didn't have her own apartment or any support from the rest of the family, my older sister and 2 of my older brothers lived in Florida. And still do to this day...Very unhappily.
So as you can imagine, DYFS getting involved with me, made my mom very upset. She recently told me that she had been through that bull sh*t before and honestly wasn't going to fight too hard for me. I'm glad that she didn't give up, but I am soooo, sooooo, very sorry for what I said. I know it was an accident. And I wish my mother didn't have to go through what she did.
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Last updated on: February 26, 2001
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