Well now... that's a good question.. Why would anyone want to leave the comfort of the closet? After all, it can be a really comfy place. When you get right down to it, coming out is a matter of liking yourself, accepting yourself and saying... "Yeah, I'm gay and I'm a pretty good person. I don't need to hide because I really do believe that." There are many reasons for coming out, yet, it must be done for you and you alone. Reasons like to improve your self-esteem, to give you the freedom to live as you want, to be truthful, to allow you to be the person God wants you to be, to be whole, to really experience the wonders of love for the first time in your life, and to free all the other things in that closet with you. Yes, you will find that along with you in that closet is a lot of love waiting to be expressed to all those you love today. Being in the closet can also be a pretty complicated thing. It is a life of deception and one of fear. Fear that someone some day will discover the truth. If you are in the closet now and reading this, it will be difficult for you to imagine the difference being out will make in your life. When you come out, it means that you see yourself as good and it validates your emotional feeling and the special love you have. While you may only see coming out as effecting the way straight people see you, in reality, it will enhance all your relationships and in particular the way you are able to express your love to your partner. It will let you completely love another person like never before with total abandon and total joy in the knowledge that you are free.
If you think about it, being in the closet means you are likely afraid of what others think of you. It means you are ashamed to be who you are. Being ashamed of yourself is no way to live. When you fall in love and experience the full beauty of sharing and trust, you will no doubt want to share this with others that are close to you. Love becomes the motivating force for coming out. Yet still, some may never take this step because for them, the risks are just too great or because they are satisfied with their lives and what they have in it. Love might not be in their plans or desires.
It is important to remember that coming out does not change who you are.... You are still the same person you have always been only now, open and a little more honest. Those that respect you and love you do so because of who you are and have always been.
Are you scared? Well if you're not, you better check your pulse. Of course coming out is scary. If you are like many that have been in the closet, you figured you would never come out. The whole reason gays go in to that closet in the first place is because they are just too scared to be out. Some are so deep in the closet that they would rather be dead than discovered. In fact, almost half of male teen suicides are related to those struggling with their sexuality.
Why do some find coming out so difficult? A lot of it has to do with the stereotypes that still exist and also the considerable prejudices. It seems that poking fun at gays or even outright prejudices toward them is still acceptable in this age of enlightenment. No other minority finds that there are still susceptible to this kind of blatant and acceptable treatment. Because of this, coming out has the potential for emotional pain. They also fear being rejected by those they love and loosing the support they need so much. Even the church can take a pretty hard line and create much guilt.
Also, gays are frequently the targets of violence and discrimination. This certainly can influence gays and keep them in the closet. In a 1989 national survey, 5% of the gay men and 10% of the lesbians reported physical abuse or assault related to being lesbian or gay in the last year; 47% reported some form of discrimination over their lifetime. Other research has shown similarly high rates of discrimination or violence.
Yet with all the fears and all the risks... there comes a time when the benefits outweigh them. With courage, it can be done and it can be a wonderful experience. The rewards of coming out and being honest and open are truly something that can only be experienced.... not explained with words. You will feel greater self worth, self-esteem, and finally will see yourself as a loving and deserving person. Someone that is deserving of giving and receiving love. You will feel unburdened. It is truly a remarkable feeling. Gone will be the thoughts of a forbidden love that must be hidden. For the first time in your life you will be able to share your feeling with others and feel the open and honest love between you. You will finally feel good about yourself.
Coming out will bring you closer to those you love. This is something that may or may not happen immediately but time and again it has been found that once you are truly open and come out, You will find that the barriers that had developed in relationships with your loved ones will fall away and you will be closer to them than you have been in many years.
Unexpected consequences:
"Following the coming out experience, there are many consequences. Some of them will be completely unexpected and some just different that anticipated. Here are some things that happened to me." ---Jim
� I found that I was able to express love more fully in all way
� I started hugging my friends and family more
� I found I could talk with God as I was no longer ashamed
� Life became easier. There was no more rationalization or excuses even to myself
� I finally felt good about myself. No longer did I think I was something that had to be kept secret. I actually liked myself completely
� I experienced a wonderful feeling of being free. Released as it were from my prison
� I became consumed with coming out for a period of time that was all I was able to think about and talk about it seemed.
� I experienced a great renewal of my Christian faith. Most remarkable.
� I felt pride and kinship with other gays
� I am more open and honest about everything.
� I became more tolerant of all minorities and feel empathy toward them. I am no longer so quick to judge others now that I am not judging myself.
� I have become less tolerant of those that are bigoted.
� I have found I am more willing to stand up for what I believe in.
� I learned a lot about what it means to be gay.
Some Questions to consider:
What is the most wonderful thing that could happen to you if you come out? Think about the fulfilling honest love filled life that is possible. What do you want out of life? Really think about this. Like most, I had resigned to living alone and dying alone. However, in my dreams... How I longed for that romantic fulfilled life where I could release all the love bottled up inside of me and ya know something... now I have it.
The other question is, what is the worst thing that can happen to you if you come out? Is someone going to kill you? Will you lose your job? Maybe lose a 'friend'? Then look to see if your dreams are worth the risk. You also must know that the dreams are far more likely than your fears. But humans being what we are seem to focus on and be controlled by our fears. Maybe that is part of the 'freeing' that takes place. After coming out, instead of your fears controlling your life, you control your life. Take control.
When & How?
Okay... now that you have decided that you're not crazy and you are considering coming out, how the heck are you going to do it? Coming out is a intensely personal act and as such is a very personal decision as well. Only you can decide when the time is right to come out. Some, like us, will take half their life to reach this point and some may never get there. However, there does seem to be hope for all to experience this freeing process. For each of us there will likely be some event that sparks our thinking and starts us down this path. It is no doubt a process and usually moves through some predictable steps. Some will only go part way on this journey while other may leap out of the closet all at once. We all have different needs. But once you feel the wonderful feeling of relief and freedom as you start, it will be hard to stop you.
� The very first one to come out to is yourself. There is no skipping this step. While some of us may have been living the "To thine own self be true" thing, it is still more than just thinking that you are gay. You need to accept it, believe it, and know what that means. Before you can ever expect to be open to others, you have to realize that you are who you are. Face it, you can not be ashamed of yourself. There is a lot of reference information on the internet and elsewhere, dig in. Also check out What gay is and Isn't. If you are a Christian, you need to reconcile being a gay Christian. During this first step of coming out, you will likely be visiting many sites like this one. Perhaps, you have already taken the first step. As you start to realize that you're really a pretty good person and maybe even someone others will continue to love and respect, you will have courage to continue.
� Telling a close friend is usually the next step as you summons the courage to talk to someone you can trust. This is the big one and there is no turning back. This also serves to be a kind of testing of the waters. You will also realize that real friends will accept you just as you are without conditions. One of the compelling reasons for this is that you really are not changing. Think about how you would react if someone told you they were gay. You are the same friend they have always known. The same person they have chosen to be with because of who you are. Now, they just know one more thing about you. As you start telling some friends, you will notice that you actually will feel more comfortable around them. The ones that know will become closer friends and if you happen to lose a friend because they can't handle that you are gay, well... it is their loss and maybe they were not that good of a friend in the first place. There is a special bond between good friends and you really can't keep such an important part of yourself hidden from anyone you want as a truly close friend anyway. You can trust a friend.
� Parents & Family are next and for a lot of us this is the most difficult.. Here are the ones that we love so much that instead of being who we are and hurting them, we would rather live a lie. Parents will likely challenge your assumption that you are gay. You will hear questions like.. Are you sure? How do you know? Who did this to you? What does it mean to be gay? Just remember... they may have some very wrong impressions about what being gay really is. So, it is a good idea to be prepared for their questions and know what you're going to say. A good source of information and support for parents is; PFLAG (Parents & Friends of Lesbians and Gays). Parents may feel that they have somehow failed or that you are telling them to punish them is some way. However, over time which they may need, your are very likely to find that the love of your parents is unconditional. Its very likely it will bring your family closer as they now understand you better and respect your honesty. Tell them why you are coming out, explain that it is just the way you were born and no one's fault. And tell them how much you need there love as you do this. There is a pamphlet put out by the American
Psychological Association, "Answers to Questions on Homosexuality" that you might find helpful.
"While I recommend coming out in person if at all possible, sometimes it may be necessary to do it in a letter to some you need to tell. Here is the letter I wrote to my family... My Letter. It was a good way for me to insure I covered all the points I wanted to make. It includes several quotes from this web site" --Jim
� Finally free, there is a time when you just aren't hiding it any more. Over time, as you become more comfortable and find that you really don't lose your real friends and you come to realize that being gay is only a piece of who you are, you will start to feel that there is no reason to keep it a secret. You don't need to go advertising it and you don't need to adapt an 'in your face' kind of attitude. However, if someone honestly asks you if your gay, you will find it easy to say yes. In fact, if you are in love, you will no doubt be anxious to tell others all about it.
Personal footnotes:
Ken and I have now know each other and shared our lives for almost 2 years. As I think about how life was before and how it is now, I just keep asking why we didn't do this sooner. I also started my coming out about 2 years ago and as I look back I realize what a remarkable change it has made in my life. It is amazing how we let our fears control our lives. As I re-read what we have written here I see that maybe some of it was based in the hope of what could be and now... it is reality. Yes, as I wrote above, I am now finally free. If you check out our What's New? section, I think you will see two very happy guys enjoying life to the fullest. I have more and better friends now. Friends that love me for who I am. I can not stress enough how important it is to come out. It is a validation of not being ashamed and that changes everything. --Jim 8-22-2000
The wonders of our love continue. Ken and I grow deeper and deeper in love. It is a most incredible feeling and as we live our lives together, we experience more and more excitement and experience a greater feeling of fulfillment. We have both said we have completed our coming out but I guess that goes on for the rest of our lives as we meet new friends. Yet now, I look forward to that because it lets me witness the love of God and the love I have for Kenny. This Christmas we hosted several parties and the warm friendship and acceptance from our friends was wonderful. I also have come out to my church which has been so supportive. I wish everyone in the closet could have a taste of this... this sense of right and completeness. Then they too would throw open the doors. I have been reading a book entitled "Learning to Fall". It has struck me how many things he talks about and makes analogies to I too have written in my journal. The author shows us that there are some very good lessons to be learned in life and we had best get on with living it, enjoying it, and embracing it fully. We have but one time to do this and everyone of us is approaching the end of our lives from this moment on. Some of those lessons learned...
--Jim 3-07-2001
Pride & Suffrage
In the matter of the present, Gays represent a minority to the minorities, someone
new to kick the dirt off their shoes -- someone lesser in the minds of many -- to
bestow the same behaviors that society has bestowed upon them. This is not a
motivating reason for anyone to state that they are Gay. Therefore, Gay is
something deeper than a choice. Gay is a struggle to exist. Gay is something that
is felt from birth.
To come out is not something we do to shock people, nor is it done to invoke fear.
Instead, it is, for us, to individually fight our fear, to accept ourselves, and to move
forward into life. But often, families take the action of a person coming out as an
affront; as a direct attack upon their heritage and their parentage.
This is not the case. We just want to continue to be loved by our families, and the
fear of losing such love is overpowering. So many Gay young people commit
suicide rather than take the risk and see if there can be love.
So, this is my way of saying that I love you, that I hope you will still love me, and
you will, somehow, understand why it is that I need to tell you what is deepest in
my heart. I am Gay. I don't know why, but I just am.
Please do not take away your love for me. I need you in my life.
(c) 1996 David Brager...Released for non-profit use by FAMILY all over the planet...