TIM: Well, it's a double-edged sword in a way. On the one hand, it's very safe. "Being in the closet" is a good analogy, because you're protected from the realities that are out there, but at the same time you can't move; you're constrained in a pretty tight space. I feel that I enjoy a great deal of privilege as a straight man, which in an ideal world, I should be able to expect as a gay man as well. But the actuality is that by coming out I'm giving up that privilege. Or at least it seems that way.
YGA: Do you feel like you are living a lie?
TIM: Yeah, I guess. I don't feel like my whole existence is a lie, but specific instances where I've had to lie to cover myself have been pretty painful. I'm pretty masculine to begin with, so I don't feel the need to act all that differently. I feel like I identify more with being straight than gay, so I don't feel that I'm "masquerading," as people say, all that much. It's just a little awkward is all.
YGA: Do you think your parents will take it well?
TIM: Ironically, I think my father will take it better than my mother. I figured out I was gay when I was 12. I actually tried to come out at that time, but you might say it didn't take. At the time, I was consumed by these massive bouts of guilt... I would pace the house up and down frantically, feeling that I needed to "confess" to my parents (I didn't grow up devoutly Catholic, but my parents did. They raised me more or less without concrete religion so I could be spared some of the negative things they went through in that experience. Someone should have told them Catholic guilt is genetic...). So one night, I told them both, just to relieve the pain I was in. I don't remember how they reacted at the time, but I remember being in a car with my dad at one point saying that I was worried about how mom felt about it. He said, "I think she'll be okay with any way you want to be." Notice the vocab here, though, folks: "want." I also remember being outside my room with my mother one day, and her telling me that being gay was something you chose, not something you were. Then, with a loving and supportive (ouch) hug, she said, "I don't want you to be gay." I went back into the closet after that. 8 years later, here I am.
YGA: What about your friends?
TIM: I honestly don't know. I do have a certain group of friends that I know would be incredibly supportive. But at the same time, I feel like by coming out I lose value to people, regardless of how supportive or open or liberal they are. For instance, I'm in film school right now, and I'd like to think that I'm a pretty good filmmaker. But, it becomes different if suddenly I'm a GAY filmmaker. My talent is almost cheapened, and it's the same in other areas of life. It's great for a person to be the successful, straight, upstanding citizen, etc. But suddenly it becomes, "He does great work, but he's gay." At least that's the way I perceive it. This is one of the fears I have about coming out, but how realistic it is...? I don't know.
YGA: What are you afraid of most?
TIM: GOING TO HELL! Well, seriously, religion has played a huge role in my decision not to come out. Equally as strong is my worry about being estranged from my parents. That would be a hell in itself... Also, even if one accepts the "no choice" theory on homosexuality, there's still this stigma about being almost retarded, or deformed because a gay person is out of the norm. That's almost the way I perceive myself at times, which I know is very sad.
YGA: What do you wish for more than anything else?
TIM: Just to be happy, basically. I think that's the basic goal of human existence, ain't it? Monetary success, failure, notoriety, disrepute, popularity, solitude, none of these states matter unless you're happy or unhappy in them. The big question, though, is how will coming out affect my happiness. My wish is that I could be happy both with my life as a gay person and my life as a professional. (And, of course, not go to hell... That would be very nice =@> ).
YGA: Do you have anyone you can talk to about coming out?
TIM: Yes, I have a couple close friends that, as I said, would be supportive. Still, I feel like I lose points to these people by doing so. I make myself vulnerable, and again, whether or not its intended, there's sort of a pity aspect to the relationship that I would imagine would come into play in such a situation. From my perspective, at least, that's pretty degrading.
YGA: What do you think coming out of the closet will bring you?
TIM: Hopefully some more peace of mind, at least in one aspect of my life. A relief from loneliness. It would be really nice if it could be a sort of a spiritual overhaul in general! There's no doubt that it will take away a few things too, but hopefully what I would gain would be worth it.
YGA: How has the internet helped you find out about yourself and start the process of coming out?
TIM: It's been crucial. There's no way I could have access to this type of support information without the internet. I could never buy a book from a bookstore, and there just isn't that much information anywhere else in the media. If it weren't for the internet, I'd probably be in reparative (destructive?) therapy right now. Thank God for the APA's website, by the way! Unfortunately, all the coming out stories, articles, chats, and resources available on the net won't make the process painless, but at least it gives me hope and an idea of what to expect if/when I come out. The religious sites for those of us out there who are spiritual types are amazing too. The internet is the only place I've been able to find pro-gay Christian info.