Well, I've just started this web site and I'm feeling slightly apprehensive, cause it's published and all, but I can't for the life of me find it on google, which makes me wonder how anyone else would find it. Oh well, moving right along.
So, what's to tell about today. Nothing much. I have to work tonight, how sad is that?! I like my job and all but I'd really rather spend Friday night in a more Friday nightish kind of way!
On that exciting note, I'm going to go and beef up the site cause it's pretty sparse at the moment. I promise to write more vaguely interesting things some other time!!!
Well, my weekend was pretty standard. worked for most of it. Or it seemed that way anyway. As usual not much sleeping was done, whinge whinge. Hung with my best friend (who was in a good mood which makes all the difference between a good night and hell), went to church (new minister, big occasion. Everyone's very excited. I'm sure the novelty will wear off for both parties soon enough, but for now he's infallible...), went shopping with some friends, um that's all really. Got my new sound system set up, so have been busy inflicting my taste in music on anyone in a 5km radius!
Speaking of which, I got a new Echoing Green CD, which is highly exciting for me. They're a really cool Christian dance band, you can download some of their songs from ccmp3s.com - check the links page.
On Saturday there was a big queue at work, and these two ladies started fighting hard over who was next, it was really sad. I pointedly flipped a coin to see who'd go, but I wanted to say, there's people starving to death right now and you're so worked up about waiting an extra 30 seconds in a line. And, here comes the ironic part, I go home afterwards and pick a fight with my parents over something trivial. How stupid and hypocritical was that. Oh well, it's all over now. My parents are very long suffering!!!
Not a lot to say today other than my usual crazed mutterings....
It's gone two weeks since I last spoke to the boyf, which is a big meh for me. Or at least it would be except I have a whole heap of his stuff and vice versa, and at some point we'll no doubt have to swap back. Hrmm. That'll be awkward.
Still, could be worse. It's the easiest break up I've had for a loooong time!
Had to turn down work AGAIN this morning, they wanted me in during the week next week when I'll be studying. Hope they don't fire me. I like being employed a lot more than I like sleeping in.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are grey
Funny what pops out when you let your mind go blank and your hands hover over the keyboard...
Well, just thought I'd hop online and prod the site around a bit before I head off to get my tickets for the Rebecca St James concert... which is going to be awesome!
My good friend Marko the other day shared some of his infinite net-knowledge with me, and the site has now been submitted to google, so yeah that's all sorted and lovely.
Got dance practice tonight. The group's coming along really well, as are the cartoons. The trouble is amonst everything else I would really like more time to spend on them. Oh well.
I am so, so tired... having trouble keeping my eyes open. Also, sunburned all across my back so I'm a fun guy to be around right now, I can tell you!
Got an email from the ex officiating the breakup... and you know the funny bit?! He's gone back to his ex girlfriend! How funny is that? Oh well, good luck to him. That sounded bitter, but seriously, he was a nice guy, it didn't work out, and I hope he enjoys life from here.
Hmm what else is new... youth group's started up again at my church which is cool. Went last night and it was kind of cool. Still trying to work out whether this church is my immediate church family, or just a bunch of second cousins... I love them all and I know the feeling's mutual but sometimes you just know something or someone isn't exactly right for you.
Monday I start bible college. Eep. I'm heaps scared but way more excited than scared. I absolutely can't wait.
My three resolutions for the course are as follows:
Keep an open mind
don't become a religious parrot
deck anyone who calls me mate!!!!
Anyway, I'm going to shuffle around and post some more stuff on the site now, so yeah. Rock on :)
Well, tomorrow's the big day! How scared am I?!?!
The thing I'm most scared about is that I'll know pretty much no one there, which has both pros and cons.
Today... worked. Skipped both church services (tired, tired). I'll be hitting the sack pretty early tonight in attempt to rid myself of the bags under the eyes by morning. Not really too confidant about that though.
I've noticed there's this trend to walk really viscious looking dogs around the mall at the moment. I love dogs, but it makes me think, don't people realise that some people are scared of them, especially pit bulls and the like? Ha ha, me whinge, neverrr.... But don't get me started on passive smoking...
The day has been and gone!
I am so, so tired again. Hardly slept last night, too nervous. Hence I was tired and somewhat pessimistic during the day.
IT (I'll tell you about IT when I have much time, patience and sedatives) was there, which took a lot of the shine off the day... that was really bad. But overall I think I'm going to like it. Paying the amount I am, I'd better! I like my small group, and the campus is great. The lessons look like fun too.
I guess I've gotta just wait and see if I end up fitting in with the crowd there. There's the same vibe there as there was at a ministerial organisation that I ended up not being accepted at because of a rumour that I was gay.
So I'm wary. But I think I'll enjoy it a lot more if I sleep well tonight, so hopefully....
Well, I've gotten a bit more sleep these last few nights, so am feeling a bit healthier. Bible college is really good... I've met most of the people now, and like them all. I don't really know what to do with the quiet ones, I'm never sure if they want to be talked to or not. But the crazy girls are a lot of fun. My small group talked about our worries about the course, and a couple of us said fitting in, so I guess I'm not alone. Anyway, I'm running around like a headless chook trying to get to know everyone cause I've only got one short year to do that.
Orientation week is over now, so I'm not there untill next week.
So yeah, today I'm just hanging around, doing some drawing and stuff. Valentines day tomorrow... and me single again. Come to think of it, I've always been single on Valentine's day. No wait, I was still technically with the first boyf last year, but it was pretty much over by then. And not a minute too soon!
Oh well, it's just a moneyspinner invented by hallmark anyways :) My youth group's having a dinner thing tomorrow night, which'll be cool. I'll maybe take along some flowers for random individuals... mmm, sweet, sweet randomness.
Well, Valentines day draws to a close� and me without any secret admirers!
It�s pretty sucky that I haven�t had a boyf on Valentines day yet. The fact that I�ve even noticed that is a sure indication that I have had wayyy too much media exposure. Valentines, the season for making women feel that without gold they are unloved.
I got a call from work in the morning wanting me to work all day till 9, so there went youth group�. Tchah. Oh well, at least I�m getting hours. Hours = money = a decent car, eventually. First, though, to pay my way through college�
Again at work, some customers' petty behaviour made me think about people who are sick, starving, and abused. It made me think about all the times I act selfishly, which is pretty much on a minutely basis. Definately something I'd like to put a stop to...
Good news: Millions worldwide today marched to express their condemnation of war. Would have joined them, but I was working (again).
Bad news: The best friend is going out with a complete prat
Good news: Am hopefully joining a dance class
So yeah, that's my day really.
More bible college. It's fun, but weird. It's a bit more pentecostal orientated than I am, but still cool at this stage. I'm thinking, will I just annoy people by speaking up when I disagree with things, or will I rock the boat a little more by coming out before the year's done? Coming out is something I so want to do, I feel more and more constricted every day, but I know that in Christian circles I stand to lose a lot. And then there's the clock... I don't wanna leave it too late. Round and round in circles...
Huzzah, got Cd's today. John Reuben, the Benjamin Gate, Sarah Masen, some compilations, and Kindred 3. Also got the book 'What's so Amazing about grace?', all very joyous.
More bible college, lovin' it. Had the first lecture of the subject which everyone raves about, Practical Theology. It was really good, best compared to an excellent sermon, I guess.
Why do people sign emails with capital letters? It seems so strange... like their name is the highlight of the whole thing!
I'm waiting tensely for replies about this dance class thing... most of the ones so far have been 'mmmmmaybe's and 'probably not's, which is a bummer. But meh, just so's there's enough people. I really want this to happen, and am heaps excited about it.
My friend said something really interesting to me yesterday that I've heard many times before but never really picked up on. She said "I'm just looking for the Truth". It kind of struck me that the people who are furthest from finding the truth are those who know for sure that they have it in its entirity. I think maybe we all have a triny piece of the whole truth, but it's just one piece of a massive puzzle. How arrogant and fundamentalist for any person to claim to know it all. I reckon the key to finding the maximum truth we can is to always be looking for it, but to stay grounded in the knowledge that on this Earth the whole thing isn't going to be revealed.
Hrmm... yes.
Missing a party tonight, AND tomorrow night to work. How depressing is that?!?!
Ha ha let us leave it that the weekend was pretty crap. Missed the two parties, worked, got in bad with my boss, and heard 6 million negative references to homosexuality. You know, it really drags you down when people are so set in their ways, and being in the closet it's very difficult to even try and alter their thinking.
So yeah, in regard to coming out, I've made a time to talk with my church's youth pastor. I don't really know what her position on homosexuality is but I think I can take her into my confidence and find out what my church's position in regard to me personally is going to be from her. I'm pretty scared though. Der...
So yeah, the dodge weekend carried over to Monday untill the night where I went to this dinner for youth leaders I was invited to, which was excellent. I knew most of the people there, and we went around the circle and affirmed each other for two and a half hours after dinner. It sounds boring and sus, but it was amazing, and totally non gratuitous. It was really refreshing. When me and the guy I first came out to spoke about each other, that was just amazing. I can't describe how the whole thing felt, it was unreal. But... as always, there was this tiny lacing that yeah, I wouldn;t have been invited, probably, as a gay guy, in my denomination. And I think, to not have been invited, but to have been free, maybe that would have been worth it. Or maybe I'd just hurt a lot more. I don't know...
Got the new Superchic[k[ cd today... oh how they rock. I wish we could all live those lyrics...
Sorry about the long time no update, haven�t been on the net.
Had a full on discussion at bible college today about homosexuality� about 12 of us are doing a bible study on Romans on a student�s initiative, and Romans 1 contains one of the famed (and irritating) �clobber texts� misinterpreted to condemn homosexuality� and I was unpleasantly surprised to find that no one at all was on my side� the best reaction was neutral. I fought hard and lovingly, although it�s so hard for me not to hit out in anger at some of the things that are said on a regular basis� just had to try and hang on to my integrity and battle on. I did what I could in the short time we had, and considering I was swimming upstream. A girl gave me some positive feedback afterwards. A guy from my small group was really, really homophobic and almost bitter that I�d even dared challenge the common consensus in my group. That was tough, because I really respect the guy and now instead of just seeing him as a champ I�ll be seeing him as a champ with a bad case of homophobia.
It made the idea of coming out all the more scary but I feel like I�ve taken a few steps towards it anyway. I have to do it� this year. Have to.
So yeah, God was thoroughly active today but like it usually does when he moves, it hurt.
Last week I came out to a youth leader at my church. It was just something I needed to do. She wasn�t sure what to think but she had a really open mind and was fully supportive. She asked a lot of questions and gave me a huge hug and promised to discretely find out about whether I�d be able to keep my church leadership roles if I came out. I came away from that feeling pretty good. Haven�t talked to her since, though.
Today just left me so tired, but tired with a vengeance, you know? I feel weary, but like I could march on forever.
Prayer would be appreciated�
Still tired, and feeling pretty heavy with this whole prospect of coming out thing... but still good.
A guy at college took me up on our earlier discussion today. Actually it seems to have been on a lot of people's minds, and not in an entirely grand way. One girl said, 'I so admire you for standing up for what you believe, but', pointing to the other guy, 'I agree with you.'
So yeah. Onward Christian soldier and stuff....
I was having one of those lying on the grass looking into the trees, musing life's quandaries type discussions with a girl at college today (yeah all we do at bible college is talk, ha ha) and I asked her, which is better, to be true to yourself and lose your friends, or to be fake and keep them. It was pretty cool... we talked about it for a while, and yeah, covered a bit of familiar territory, like, if you're not being yourself then they don't love the real you anyway... but it was a good reminder.
I think I'm going to be preoccupied with this coming out thing till it happens, or I go mad for the waiting!
Dodgy stuff happening at work. They're giving me shifts for times I'm listed as not available for, and slashing my usual shifts. Not impressed. I'll give em a call tomorrow and see if they can't get their act together.
Well, nothing paricularly gay related to report at the moment, apart from my heightened claustrophobia in regard to closets, so I guess I'll just have to rabbit on about something else... :)
I had a pretty decent weekend. Really quiet, by comparison, but it's about time I had one of those. I did a cartoon I was pretty happy with, but I doubt its going to get published any time soon, cause it has a go at the conservative church stance on, well, breathing, nah, on single parenting actually (the main character of my mainstream strip has a single Mum).
My cd collection continues to grow... among several thousand others I've recently acquired, i got the new t.a.t.u. single... you know... the lesbian one. It's pretty cool... not that I'm biased or anything! The Roaring Lambs compilation is also severely good.
Work is yet to sort itself out. I'll see how my hours go this week. I got into a spot of bother for pronouncing my fictional intention of sending bomb threats their way last week. Oops... also for pretend-ranting about the 'beauracracy' of my dance class in full hearing of it's co-ordinator. Eep!
This week was pretty good� tired again though.
Here�s something I wrote in a letter this week, then thought I�d copy it down to post here�
Looks are an institution completely invented, much like the Hallmark / Valentines day phenomenon, by the media, which, by the way, should be made into a singular, tangible entity so it can be BURNT TO THE GROUND, especially teen magazines and shaving product ads. The concept of physical attractiveness is an elitist idea based on the notion that people with certain physical characteristics are nicer, deeper and smarter, whereas others are degraded on the basis of their genes as being stupid, greedy and boring. Not only are relationships begun and ended over these widely accepted pieces of propaganda, entire friendship circles are based around them. And conversely, people are excluded because of them between the approximate ages of 3 and 87. So go ahead� next time someone praises someone else based on their appearance, give them a swift, firm kick in the shins and some advice to cut down on the coca cola ads.
Hrmm� something to bear in mind next time you step in a chat room�
Highlights of the week� um� Thursday was just a darn good day. Tuesday night I went to an early 1990�s night� MC Hammer and backwards caps, it rocked. Me and my best friend took out the prize (2 Hanson CD�s- ack!) for our performance of Barbie Girl by Aqua (Yeah that was late 90�s but you know�). And if Ken�s not a gay role model, well, who is�
Anyway, I�m heading to youth group tonight�. Beach night, huzzah :)
I was reading an anti-war protest march poster today, and a charming young feller came up and read it over my shoulder, commented 'oh good, some more shit to throw rocks at' and left. I'm not sure whether to weep for my generation or my country...
Here's something else I wrote, yesterday actually;
If you live in conservative America, near, for example, a large household of fundamentalist Christians, you may have had a chance for a dry, bitter, snorty kind of laugh at a �Christian� video tape doing the rounds. It is called �The Gay Agenda� and it would probably be a hoot if the people who made it weren�t actually serious.
Faced with the question of what �the� (I cannot stress that word enough) gay agenda is, most of us would probably say �um� have a laugh, find mr/ms right if there is such a thing, take an evening off once in a while to discuss the meaning of life while gazing at stars if there are any about, and oh, just for the heck of it, we�ll whack the concept of having basic human rights in there as well.�.
Apparently we are quite definitely wrong, however. This video features footage of obscure and obscene parades featuring promiscuous types wearing not very much and doing things that are probably best left behind closed doors. Other promiscuous types are referred to as frequenting places where it�s possible to do things with complete strangers best done with people you�ve known for, oh, more than 20 minutes. The squideo ends with a dire warning that all gays are like this, and guess what, they want to live in YOUR town, teach in YOUR schools, and go to YOUR church.
Horrors.
Well, even though I don�t actively recall groping an attractive stranger or removing more than my jumper in public in recent weeks, I was certainly appalled to know that this is in fact, my agenda.
So appalled in fact, that I�ve been doing a bit of scouting around for other traces of this kind of behaviour, and have been shocked and amazed to find that there�s SCADS of it. Parades dedicated to fornication, nightclubs devoted to pairing off singles for a night of lust, and general nastiness along those lines. The trouble is, most of what I found was being done by heterosexuals, which means that, by the dubious logic of �The Gay Agenda�, all heterosexuals including Aunt Carol, the local librarian and your friendly pastor are up to exactly that, and they are busy POISONING our happy community.
Not true?
Well then I guess the very rich, very misinformed makers of �The Gay Agenda� have a mandate to SHUT RIGHT UP while I number off some of the actual things we�d put on our agenda if we had one.
1. We as a body would very much like not to be spat on at the streets, killed in large numbers for no good reason at all, or beaten up on a regular basis if we admit that we don�t have much interest in the opposite sex.
2. Those of us who are lucky enough to be in lerv would like to hold hands if we so desire in public, without any of the aforementioned being spat on etc.
3. We would enjoy having the state recognise our relationships not only for the sake of recognition in itself but because things can get sticky when one partner dies and the other is denied the financial assistance granted to married people in similar circumstances. In the unfortunate event of a split, the law assists property divisions between divorcees, but we have no such luxury. The list is long.
4. We are quite concerned about church bodies judging us to be unfit for the love of God, and feel that it is time we be ordained in the pulpit and respected in the pews. After all, if God doesn�t like us being there, He shouldn�t have any trouble smiting us.
5. We would like people to drop the idea that there is a link between homosexuality and paedophilia. There just isn�t. The vast majority of child abusers are from the prestigious heterosexual community. Homosexual teachers are a fantastic idea, and compare rather favourably with some of the heterosexual ones currently floating about.
6. Speaking of children, when there are so many children desperate for a loving home, an occasional hug, and, oh, I don�t know, enough to eat, it seems a bit churlish to deny gay couples their right to adopt them.
7. Let�s be having some positive education in schools about homosexuality. There have been claims about this promoting the idea of homosexuality; this demonstrates complete ignorance of the fact that sexuality is not an easily assumed thing, it is something deeply set from a pre-talking age.
8. Last but by no means least, we�d very much like the more ranty and ravy sections of the church to listen to the official psychiatric and psychological organization pointing out in no uncertain terms that homosexuality is not a disease, it cannot be cured, and attempting to do so can be extremely harmful. Also lend your ears to the mainstream church leaders from a wide range of major denominations who declare that homosexuality is neither sickness nor sin, and no barrier to ordination or participation in church life.
Probably the main reason we don�t have an official agenda is that it would be approximately the length of the collected works of Stephen King, and the makers of �The Gay Agenda� would most likely resort to sticking their fingers in their collective ears and singing �Nerny nerny ner ner�.
Please don't think, that with everything going on in the world at the moment, that this is all I can think about. It isn't. But I want to keep this site centred on this issue for all kinds of reasons. I thoroughly encourage you to spend some time cruising the net for info on the current global political situation, but you'll find little here.
9 days later... One of my closest friends who's frequently alarmingly perceptive about me told me today that I seem really bitter lately. And I think she's right... Of recent months I've just felt really cynical towards the church, my Christian friends... this isn't good.
For the first time in 8 years I feel able to identify with my parents' feelings about the organised church, which run to frustration and irritation. Not totally, you understand, just... I see now some of what they've been on about. I'm not so blinkered.
That being said, I'm so privileged to be at the church I'm at. Maybe my second best friend if there is such a thing, got baptised the other night and it was amazing. He asked me to be out the back with him, which is a bit of an honour, and just being in such close quarters to such an amazing event... that was unbelievable.
Also church related, my youth leader is great. I'll be seeing her again soon to have a talk about this that and the other. I'm heaps thankful for her.
Worrying about everything aside, I've been having fun... really busy though. Had a couple of days off sick, made the most of them. I'm really ready for a 20 hour nap followed by a few days in bed reading and sky supervising :)
One of the exes has been emailing me lately... which is kind of good. He was one of the nice ones. Sounds like he's doing good... I kind of wish I had more gay mates. Really the only ones I ever got along with I went out with which kind of screws things up in the long run. I really wish we had an MCC in Adelaide!
Today was good day� not, you know, massive or anything, but pretty good. Last night I reasserted my commitment to God, and decided to be more real about getting rid of what sin I can in my life�. Think that had anything to do with it?!
Decided to quite Christian breakfast. I just can�t maintain the involvement any more, having neither the time nor the energy. I also don�t think I�m doing much of a job of reaching the kids there.
Got to lecture ON TIME today- big event. It was pretty good; we�re having a month of the topic �changing habits� and this was my first one. And it wasn�t brainwashy! Hurrah! (Maybe that comes later- false sense of security and all).
Speaking of �Security�, GO STACIE ORRICO!!!! Vote for her on MTV.com � for those who don�t know, she�s a high quality Christian pop singer breaking into the mainstream with the song �Stuck�, which rocks!
Anyway� back to my day� here�s some background information. These are the main players in the homosexuality debates I face at college�
A Me
B That guy in my small group I wrote about before. His latest contribution, upon hearing about C�s gay friend who came to church, was �Tell him I said he�s a wanker, and to get a life and stop being gay.�. This really sucks because otherwise he�s so, so nice.
C A girl who�s fairly passionately against homosexuality, but has gay friends.
D An even nicer guy from my small group. Just as homophobic, but not as viscous. BUT today he came up to me and said that yesterday in lecture the lecturer had being saying things about how God loves homosexuals, and he said that even though he still believed it was wrong he realised he�d been making too much of a big deal about the whole gay thing, and that we�re all sinners. I don�t agree with his views, but I think it was awesome that he was at least open minded and had the integrity to make an honest attempt to take in what others were saying about it. He�s a funny one, actually; he always comes up an gives me a hug when he sees me based on a private joke, but I really, really doubt he would if he knew�
E A really blunt, intelligent, funny girl who disagrees with homosexuality, but knows a preacher�s son who is gay and still likes him. Is appalled with people like B�s attitudes and says not only do we not have the right to judge because that�s up to God, but is dismayed at the amount of people being driven from the church because of it.
F A girl who isn�t in on the main discussion, but keeps bringing the topic up. Has a friend who is in some way involved with her youth group or something and has just come out. Quote: �I know it�s just a rejection thing and if he could just come to know Jesus he wouldn�t feel the need to be� that way.�
The rest are all a bit more apathetic. I need an ally!!! Gosh that sounded pretty political didn�t it�
Dance practice was good. All members here tonight. And we�ve moved the practice night to accommodate work offering me a regular Wednesday night shift� which is cool!
And yeah. Now it�s now, and that means dinner time!!! (10 pm- starving)
It really has been a long time since I updated; sorry about that! I�ll do better�
Heaps has happened since I last wrote. I�ll try and bring ya up to speed�
My parents went away for the week so I made the best use of the house and had multiple parties, which was pretty cool. I had a big one on the Saturday night they were away, and a couple of smaller ones on Thursday and Wednesday nights, which was pretty cool. My small group from college came over and we set the smoke alarm off making dinner� it was so much fun though. I totally love those blokes� The bad thing about the week was that my parents found out about my various shindigs, which isn�t a good thing� they went, ahem, slightly ballistic� but oh well. It was totally worth it, the whole thing was just so good. I got to really know some people from college heaps better out of those parties. Definitely a motivator to move out of home one of these days.
The day my parents came back I thankfully got to escape my parental�s rantings by heading off for college camp which was good and bad� some parts were amazing, some were lonely, but for the most part it was awesome. It was another chance to bond hugely with the group. Heaps of memories made there� seriously, over the last 2 weeks I�ve taken like 5 rolls of film. The place where we stayed was brilliant� if you�ve ever read �The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe�, it�s exactly like the house in that! It�s a big old mansion one acres of land in the hills. One girl kept hiding in a cupboard! But her hopes were in vain�. The grounds were beautiful� the times when I just needed to leave the room and go for a walk to clear my head were amazing, being with God in this Edeny kind of thing� good quality. It was also round the corner from this massive commando course thing which we all went to� and THAT was a blast� bruises aplenty, but I finished the whole thing, which most people didn�t. Pretty hard in some places.
I�ve been aware that lately I�ve been complaining way too much about everything concerned with religious organizations� and I was starting to get a bit down on that� but on camp, particularly at the end, there were about three people who came up and told me that I�d been a massive encouragement for them to just be real and not have to put on a front that everything was perfect, which had made them completely uncomfortable in the past. So that was heaps affirming.
But you know the best thing on camp?! This really flirty, loud-group girl who I hadn�t a whole lot to do with beforehand asked me to go for a night walk with her, and came out to me!!! She�s bisexual, maybe lesbian. She said she knew I was heaps caring and she�d just felt like she could talk to me� so yeah, she was a bit worked up, but she was just so glad to have someone to lean on� So yeah. I missed a really important camp to be on this one, which I was a bit cut up about at the time, but now I know I was so meant to be at this one. God�s good!
What else was cool? I performed for a performance class at college. I sang a song by superchic[k], backed on the guitar and backing vocals by my second best friend (the baptised one), which was heaps good of him, then I read an article about body image by Kaz Cooke. So yeah, that was nerve racking and I didn�t do that well honestly, but I�m glad I had the guts to do it.
Over the last two nights I house sat with my second best friend and a girl from college who I�ve gotten pretty close to over the last few weeks, because her house mates were away. It was pretty huge, we got a bunch of people around both nights and had an awesome time. More memories� :) We all went out op shopping yesterday, which I love. Wish I�d had my camera for the house sitting thing, it was one Kodak moment after another!
One of the girls from that, actually �C� from my entry from april 2, wants me to teach her to dance after seeing me do some moves, which is pretty flattering.
The girl whose house it was left on a plane for a work trip today (which is why I�m finally back home- and yes the mood of the household is still chilly�) so me and the second best friend gave up shopping (not sounding gay at all there, ha ha) with the people who�d come around the night before to see her off at the airport. My funky belt got me beeped at the metal detector� so there was my friend cracking up as I remove my belt and walk through the stupid thing holding up my pants with one hand and my belt in the other, and he screams out, �HIS PANTS ARE METAL TOO! HIS PANTS ARE METAL TOO!� Grrr� It was pretty funny though.
He left some of his stuff at my house so I had to forsake the solitary beach walk I�d been planning to travel back so he could get his stuff. Oh well, me, him, and the girl whose house it was (she�s coming back tomorrow) are meeting up after I finish work tomorrow night and heading down to the beach then. On the bus, we were really tired, and he had his head on my shoulder and my head on his head, which got us some interesting looks. Actually, we got some interesting looks too at the train station the other night� we�d both laid down side by side, head to feet, on this really narrow bench out of sheer laziness� and it was, erm, fairly cozy, lol. For some background info, this guy, as I read it put somewhere else, is �one of those really sweet straight guys who break your heart�, and I don�t know if he knows he�s flirting with me or not, but it�s driving me crazy, lol! We always used to just shake hands, but lately it�s been pretty physical, like hugs 24/7 and all. He�s really beautiful, like, I never noticed it until I got to be really good friends with him and be smitten on the basis of personality, and the other day I looked him and realised �Oh my goodness, you�re SO cute!�� which is actually really funny, because people think we�re brothers all the time, which is an ego boost for me, lol! But yeah� we�ve all been in that situation, I don�t really need to explain it! He�s a punk, athletic, guitar playing guy with an awesome sense of humour, and just enough gay traits to keep me hoping. I try to remind myself he�s look don�t touch, so as to not get my hopes up, but usually forget, with depressing results. Most likely he likes the girl we house sat with (why did I introduce them?! Lol)
Oh well�
I�ve kind of been thinking I�m going to have to start getting to know some gay guys as friends, not least to avoid the above situation! Knowing just a couple really sucks because you can�t help but thinking of them as potential boyfs. So yeah, dunno if I�ll give a gay club a go (prrrobably not� sleaziness aplenty.) or maybe the gay support centre social thing, which I actually went to last year, and was not only a bit, mmm, shoddy, but 2 people from my old school went there! Any ideas?
Have actually been thinking again of moving to Sydney or Melbourne some day so as to be near an MCC (gay church).
Anyway, I�ve decided to put the coming out totally process on hold for at least this year. I intend to tell a few people (non college variety), including the best and second best friend, which is scary. My best friend will be cool I think, although her fianc� will probably kill me if he finds out, but I don�t know about the second best one� and I really don�t want to lose him. I also want to make sure I�m not just telling him to see if he likes me, cos that would so be the wrong motive. Knowing I�m not going to tell my college friends this year is actually really good, it�s taken a bit of the weight of worrying about whether they�ll hate me off, and let me just enjoy their friendship for what it is right now.
My youth leader continues to be fantastic. She�s borrowed my folder I�m compiling with stuff like what�s on this site only more to get more perspective, which I reckon is heaps committed because it�s pretty hefty, so she�s putting in a bit of work.
IT was at the camp. They orgainised a group hug that worked out so that everyone hugged everyone else. I hugged him. For a second I didn�t hate him. I wish I could feel like that more often. It says in the bile that even when someone has wronged you so badly that you have to forgive and love them. Shall we say I�m not finding that easy?!
I got the new Melanie C album last week when a bunch of us from college went and saw Jonny English (which wasn�t as bad as I thought it was going to be!); JOY! It�s really good. Go buy it.
Anyways, tonight�s going to be my first night of more than 6 hours sleep in the last 7 days (the week before that wasn�t too slumbersome either) so I think I�m going to go pass out now�. It�s been a good week, hopefully the next one will be too! Hope yours are all good :)
I came out to my best friend on Good Friday... she was pretty cool. A bit unsure of what to do, but that's natural. After we'd gone through the whole 'you're joking' 'nuh' 'you're not joking' 'nah' 'you are joking' 'nuh' 'You're NOT joking?!' 'yah' thing, one of the first things she said was 'this means you have feelings after all!!!' After years of me evading her trying to set me up, it was the final piece in the puzzle I guess....
Since the last entry I've gone a long way towards getting over that guy.... but... as they say on Analyze that, "It's a process". Anyways, I won't be coming out to him untill I've sorted out my feelings for him I reckon.
The best friend can't believe I like him... she thinks I have terrible taste. She should talk!
Dodgy weekend on paper. Slept through my alrm yesterday morning, was an hour late to work.
Went to a dance party last night where almost no one danced... made worse by the periodic interruption of a few guys getting everyone in a circle to watch them break dance.... not that I don't like watching, it's pretty impressive... It's just that a dance party is actually possibly the worst place to hold an exhibition because it means everyone else CAN'T DANCE.
Worked today. Had one of those days where everyone seems to be staring at you. Thought I was imagining it until the instance of one guy, a customer, who was blatantly eyeballing me, it was weird, weird.
Hrmm.
Anyway, my friend's housewarming party tonight, which was CRAP!! There were only a couple of people I knew, and after the bbq, they all watched the footy, so I left at 8 to update my beloved journal and do the assignment due on Monday (hrmmm.... read a book and write 1000 words about it in 2 nights... I can do that).
One interesting thing.... a taxi driver pulled over at the bus stop and gave me a free ride to town. He reckons he does that for one person per night. How cool is that?!
More driving lessons. First time on the roiad yesterday. Nearly had a Magna inserted up my rear.... quite scary.