Quite honestly, I have a lot of weaknesses. Food is one of them. I'm not sure exactly what that phrase means. Said in the right lilt it can be a laughing, positive, reminiscent thing. But with downcast eyes and a sigh it can be something painful.

I remember second grade. It was spring and everyone was clad in shorts and tank tops because on the "big kids" side of the elementary school there was no air conditioning. The bell rings. School is out and everyone rushes into the hallways to go to the front of the school and find their bus. Homehomehome. It echos through the hallways like laughter. Because we are young and laughter is all we know.

John "Jay" Carlton Alexander, I believe, started a lot of the self-esteem problems that I carried with me throughout the years. I wonder what he would say if he knew that. He was walking with a boy named Timmy Hagler (whom I thought I was in love with) that day. "Geeze, Becca." Jay sneered as he pushed past me, "You're fat." He laughed and continued on. Timmy sort of looked at me for a moment. Frowning. Then continued on. I stoped and fought back tears. I had never considered myself fat before. But, at that moment I was certain that I was. After all, why would this boy lie? This beautiful, popular boy?

From that moment on I thought of myself as fat and ugly. Carried myself as such. Whatever that means.

Flash forward. Sixth grade. I was fat. While I was still the most slender person in my immediate family, I weighed a great deal more than a lot of the other kids my age. I was teased a lot about it. In the notebooks I carried around I would make acrostics out of my name.

Repuslive
Evil
Brat
Egotistical
Coward
Cow-like
Arch-Imbicile (thanks myke)

I wrote stories about bold, beautiful women and their loves. People I thought that I could never be. Then then I fell despretely in love (or what I thought was love)with David Paul Savicki. The first of a long string of Davids. He, too, thought I was ugly. Hated me. Don't think I'm over-reacting. He himself has told me this. Oh the lengths I went to win that boy... but, that's another story. Anyhow, James Tanner was best friends with David. James. The same boy that used to chase me around Mrs. Stanley's classroom in second grade because he "loved me". James would ask me, "Becca, how can you love anybody when you do not love yourself?" He constantly gave me reasons to feel good about myself in an otherwise painful environment.

Seventh grade. I moved away from Lithia Springs and James. And the teasing. To Conyers. A fit of depression followed. I loved Lithia and it's people...even though I wasn't exactly popular. Anyhow, I got a new school and a clean slate. And, eventually, new friends. Outgoing, kind people that never once called me fat. Or ugly. But, that didn't change the fact that I still saw myself as a huge cow (for lack of a better word). Often I would skip lunch in hopes of slimming down because I would hear my friends talk about how 100 pounds was too fat. I was easily 135 then. Then, one day as I was out on the bus ramp a girl I had never seen before stopped me.
"Geeze. You're so thin!" She exclaimed as she grabbed my arm.
"Me?" I said, glancing around nervously. Who was this girl? Was she making fun of me?
"Yes you. You're so thin and pretty." She said in a serious tone.
"T-thank you." I said softly and managed a confused smile before we parted and headed towards our buses. As far as I know, I've never seen that girl again. But, she went a long way in brightening my day.

...and so, it's a struggle. Only recently have I been able to be content with my physical appearance, thanks to TOOMA. But, I still cannot see myself as beautiful. And while I'm not fat, I'm not terribly thin, either. I'm average. Whatever that is. Over the years I've struggled with food. Going days with only eating a slice or two of bread and then bingeing on whatever food I could get my hands on. Even now from time to time I have to remind myself to eat. People have to remind me to eat.

That's why I'm so touchy when my brother teases me about being anarexic and other such misspellings. That's why food in general is an uneasy subject around me. Part of it, I think, was that food was a coping method. I could control food even if I couldn't control anything else going on in my life.

I dunno. Maybe this doesn't make any sense at all. Maybe I'm just babbling. Either way, I feel better now with it out in the air.