Tuesday August 22, 2000 8:34pm EST I don't have long because I have to go take a shower and then do AP Latin and then do my Alg III homework. Ick. Anyhow. I just wanted to check in and say that today I realize when I have questions about a guy's behavior I should ask another guy. I mean, really. I know. I know. How stupid and naive does that sound? Very. But seriously, I've been stressing over this thing for a few weeks now. But from the insights of my dear friends Coty and Patrick, I realize that what girls may see as "Oh my God, he hates me and is trying to avoid me" is "I'm busy/lazy and I don't want to make the effort to do anything that involves commuication". Or something like that. Anyhow. I think the point is that I feel better about certain things. I know. I'm being cryptic and vauge, but presently I'm very paranoid and you never can tell who is reading this. That and Auntie Lilith let me borrow her Joni Mitchell CD. Because she rocks. Now I must be off. Sunday August 20, 2000 7:33pm EST I am terribly unhappy with this place. But I don't know what to do about it. So. We'll see. We'll see. later. . .8:32pm EST Ok. I feel much better now that I've spent an hour toying with my index page. It's really more Myke-ish than me, considering that I stole the idea of tiling a regular image for a background. But I don't think he'll mind. Still, I like it well enough for now. *shrug* I suppose that's all that matters. Besides. All those pastel colors I was using were starting to get on my nerves. So much has happened. And so little. Did I tell you that someone ripped all my pictures and quotes off my locker. . . save one pair of eyes. I was very distraught. And other such mispellings. I'm going to put them back. . .only I haven't any more pictures. I had cut up all of my magazines. So I must simply do only quotes. Not that bad a fate, considering I have a lot of them. This time, I shall do a better job at taping them. It's things like that which make me extremely dislike people. Thursday August 17, 2000 7:27pm EST Happy birthday Kathy. I'm sorry that Mr. Rowser made us celebrate. fah. It was wrong to make us run that many sprints when the heat index is over 100. *glower* Marching band was not good today. Sometimes my director really makes me angry. He's yelling all the time and making us 'celebrate'. We worked our butts off today and what do we get rewarded by? Sprints. Lots of them. That's just wrong. To top it off, he was yelling all the time. I'd quit if it weren't for the fact that it is my senior year and I do like preforming at the football games and competition. My father gets really angry about how he treats us. He being Mr. Rowser. There are at least four of us in our section ready to quit. That's more than half. . . after all there is only the six of us. Anyhow, enough of that. Still haven't found my AP Latin books, which is a pain. Why would anyone want to steal them? It just doesn't make any sense at all to me. Fah. I just don't want to buy them again. But, I've said that. Anyhow, enough of this. I'm tired. I'm going. Goodnight. Wednesday August 16, 2000 8:01pm EST It figures that I would lose my AP Latin books on the second day of school. Who would steal books? Latin books at that. . . *sigh* I really don't want to go and buy more, so I'm hoping someone will turn them in eventually. I've been wandering around school in a daze. Everywhere I look I see TOOMA and it makes me sick inside. Not sick as in repulsed. . . but sick as in 'I miss him'. I miss him a lot and I wish to God that I had a reason to e-mail him. Only, I have this thing in the back of my mind that tells me it would be rude to do so. So, I haven't. Tammy says that I'm being stupid and if I want to e-mail him to do so. But. . .I can't. After all I've been through this summer, I still can't e-mail TOOMA without thinking it will annoy him or make him angry. After all, if he wanted to talk to me wouldn't he e-mail me? Which brings me to think of my Thespian Friend. I haven't spoken to him in ages. Which is a shame because it was really fun talking to him. It's hard to find people that you can talk to. Or at least for me it is. There are only a handful of people who talk to me. Others just talk at me, and it's not the same. Not by far. Oh. yeah. Happy Birthday, Tonya. Tomorrow is Kathy's birthday. I had great ambitions of doing all sorts of wonderous things for her, only I can't think of anything. It figures. Meanwhile my heart hurts and I'll think I'll retire to write. That's all I seem to do lately. Not that anything good has come of it. Get this. . .I even did my homework when I first walked in the door today. Sometimes I scare even me. Monday August 14, 2000 8:38pm EST It's that time of year when I have no time. Be patient. Updates may be long in coming. Today was the first day of school. My Senior year. Yay! My brother's Freshman year. On a side note, my brother got TOOMA's old Physics book. I'm still so in love with that boy, it's sad. ugh. More later. Must shower and read and do other scholarly things. And other such mispellings. Thursday August 10, 2000 7:40pm EST Went shopping for jeans today. joy. I just love being made to feel self-consious around pretty, thin people who are my age. fah. I am feeling terribly dramatic presently, which may cause a layout change pretty soon. Like now. you have been warned. Sunday July 30, 2000 11:26pm EST Home again home again, jiggity-jigg... Well, here I am. And my throat hurts. I believe I'm getting ill (though I hope not), I've been feeling this way for days. But then, it could just be the house. Sometimes being indoors does that to me. I have to get up tomorrow around 7am to be at school by 8am for marching band. Joy. I hope to God that it rains. Or something to keep the weather cool. I am just really dreading this. fah fah fah. On the plus side, I get to skip part of Tuesday's rehersal for training at Winn-Dixie. Again, Mr. Roswer won't be happy. But I've weighed the decision and decided that getting money is higher on my list of priorities (and other such mispellings) than killing myself in Georgia heat. Which reminds me. I've finnished 1984. What an awful ending! ugh! I wanted a myrtr, darnit. Why Winston have been a Myrtr. . . I know I know. Because the whole thing about Big Brother and the Party was that they didn't want myrtrs. ugh! fah. The whole book just left me with this feeling of emptiness and anger. Every time they used Doublethink and the like my head wanted to explode. I enjoyed the book. Parts of it, anyway. I'm glad I read it, but I won't ever read it again. It shall go into the stack with Catcher in the Rye. Yes. I believe it shall. Only two more books to go, ladies and gents. Can she do it in time for school to start on August 14th? I hope so. Friday July 28, 2000 12:49am EST Yesterday morning I tried to turn in my forms to Winn-Dixie. In return they gave me a stack of papers that I had to read through and fill out and then return by 11am today. joy. It was an inch thick. icky. But, with my father's help, I did it. I am getting restless. More so by the day, and I think it is because of the coming school year. I hate it. I hate it and I hate being a senior and I hate the fact that I can never take a pretty picture. Ever. And so when my senior pictures arrived the other day they, of course, were wretched. I have my mother's permission to burn them. Or cut them up. My choice. I think I'm going to go with cutting. The ripping and tearing is much more theariputic(sp?) than just letting them burn. At least, I think so. Anyhow, I think the whole point is that I feel really ugly. Ugly and large. Without a waist. ick. I am in a very 'fah the world' mood. I hate feeling insecure. I hate people pointing out my imperfections loudly in large groups when I already am so very much aware of them. I hate looking around at all the other girls my age who are barbie dolls and still complain about how they look when I would kill to have their bodies. And writing this makes me feel even worse because what have I to complain about when I have it better than so many others. But. . .ugh! I'm human too and I can be vain just like everyone else when I feel like it. And right now. . .right now I just want to die. Or maybe I'll just go into my room and cry for a little while. later...1:57am EST okay. so I didn't make it to my room. I haven't even made it offline yet. But ranting did make me feel a little better, even at the expense of feeling a little guilty. I shouldn't take my icky moods out on other people. I shouldn't try to test people either. It's always my heart that ends up broken, anyhow. *sigh* I know. I'm being cryptic. But it's 2 in the morning and I don't feel like elaborating. Maybe tomorrow. oh wait. This morning. Something like that. later. . .10:52pm EST I have arrived in Waycross. In fact, I've been here for several hours. We stoped at Nana Day's house first. It was really difficult, because even though I know she is dead, I fully expected her to fling open the front door and come to greet us as she normally would have. As we entered her house so many memories came flooding back to me. . . and with each room I walked through part of me was still looking for her. I miss my Nana. Meanwhile, I've been working on my webpage. I think I've gotten it to a semi-okay form. I like it. At least on this computer. I have no idea how it looks anywhere else. *shrug* But I'm doing the best I can. Also, I turned in the last of my paperwork to Winn-Dixie and start training on Tuesday 2pm-7pm. I'll have to skip out on part of the evening session of marching band to do it, though. Mr. Rowser won't be pleased, but he'll have to deal with it. I need this job, and I've been to every other rehersal. I think I'll be okay. I don't know what got into me last night/this morning. I don't know why those moods persist in sneaking up on me. But they do. And while it had me in it's grip I made the stupid mistake of sending one of my tragic e-mails to my Thespian Friend. More than likely it just totally weirded him out. Although, I didn't mean to. ugh. But I don't want to think of that now, it'll just depress me. Thursday July 27, 2000 10:46am EST I've become addicted to this stupid online game called Neopets. very evil, and I've decided that I shall not go back to it. That's right. No more Chia-bingo for becca. ugh. Seriously though, it's a rather fun little game where you go around getting points that are a lot like money. So far I've got about 1018. Go me. More dreams last night. These were more restless than the night before and I remember very little of them. Just glimpses of faces. *shrug* oh well. Okay. On the band front- Well, marching band hasn't been as bad as it could be. Or for that matter, has been in the past. I don't know if it's because I'm accustomed(sp?) to it or if it's something else entirely (like maybe our director's slacking off). I don't know. I do know that I don't like one of the college instructor guys flirting with me. It sort of creeps me out. Majorly. ugh. But we won't go into that. Funny how it seems like I never have much to say here anymore. Wednesday July 26, 2000 11:28am EST I dreamt of TOOMA last night and woke up breathless. It wasn't a bad dream. Just...strange. There was this apartment building that had 16 floors. Somehow I met this girl in an elevator and we decided that we would be roommates or something. *shrug* That part is a little fuzzy. It seems like we were tricked by the same scummy guy for some reason. As the elevator reached one of the floors, stopped and opened, I caught a glimpse of someone I thought looked like TOOMA. I gasped and stepped out of the elevator at once to make sure. It was, and he didn't see me. Thinking quickly, I cried out to ask if anyone wanted me to hold the elevator. Some people in a room with TOOMA did (they were packing or moving boxes or something), so I held the elevator. When TOOMA entered (he was the last), I feigned surprise and said I didn't know he was here. Lying through my teeth. From there the scene jumped to a place that looked like my school's gym. Or something. The elevator opened again and I saw TOOMA walking by with a group of friends. I pulled the girl who I was to be roommates with out of the elevator and began walking in the opposite direction (we were all walking around some sort of railed indoor track suspended above a basketball court). Of course, we ended up passing TOOMA. Or, nearly. He stopped and started to talk to me. I forget about what. And the rest of the dream was he and I talking. Not small talk, but really talking. Then he asked me if I wanted to go 'sight seeing'. And I woke up before I could answer. Strange. I haven't ever dreamed of him before without him hating my guts. I also dreamed that I was Gywnivere in the musical Camelot. That was strange. I've been having a lot of strange dreams lately. Not really nightmares (like normal) but. . .different. I can't explain it. But it disturbs me. Yesterday I spent the day hanging out with my friend Tammy. We had fun. Just running around town. We had lunch at Pizza Hut. That and she took me to take the drug test. Stupid, evil thing. ugh. Marching band hasn't been that bad. Not that bad at all. I miss last year's Seniors and feel like I don't know anyone in the band any longer. But my music is coming easier. I still haven't finnished 1984 or The Once and Future King. ugh. Monday July 24, 2000 12:45pm EST So many ideas. . .I don't know where to start. Or how to. I want to update my webpage again. Layout and content. I've been rumaging through my writing notebooks and I've come across somethings that aren't as horribly wretched as they could be (meaning that I won't die of embarassment from people seeing them) Also. I have to take that drug test today so that I can work at Winn-Dixie. Joy. Everytime I mention it to my friends they all start laughing. Or snickering. I don't blame them. It is absurd to think that I would ever do drugs. But the people hiring me don't know that. Yet. More good news. Marching band starts today. AHhhh! Someone save me! Rescue me from Band Hell! God help me and give me the strength to endure through this. Sunday July 23, 2000 1:40pm EST I believe ya'll will be happy to note that my Thespian Friend is not dead. ha. It appears that I will have to find something else to complain about. *grin* Not that I mind a bit. later...3:40pm EST Danger Will Robinson, Danger! ugh. Don't be stupid, Becca. Don't be stupid and act like an idiot and do stupid things just to get a reaction out of people. Why do I do that? Why do I lay things down in front of people, knowing full well that it will draw a rise out of them? Or make things ackward for me. fah. Saturday July 22, 2000 10:25pm EST I've been very frustrated at my webpage this evening. Or, rather I've been taking my frustrations out on it. What I'm really mad at is that Marching Band starts Monday promptly at 5pm and lasts until 9. joy. This year it will be ackward and uncomfortable for me due to a myrid (did I spell that right?) of reasons. The first being that someone younger than me beat me to Section Leader. Although, now that I look at it- I couldn't care less. Pity no one will ever believe me on that because I ranted and raved and cried about not making it for so long. *shrug* Their loss I suppose. If people believe me to be as bitter as all that. . . Well, let's just say it makes me sad. And why is that? Why do people think I'm so attached to certain things if I only happen to drop a name here and there. Like David Humphrey. When I started to mildly crush on him two years ago people automaticly assumed I was in love and the fact that he was dating another girl would crush the life out of me. . . when the reality of it was that I really didn't care. Or people who think I want David Balkin to die because he hurt me. When now-a-days I don't give him much thought at all. *shrug* But I digress. Wasn't I talking about marching band? The next reason that it'll be bad is because I haven't finnished paying for marching band this year. It's like a hundred dollars more than it has been. That's $250 dollars for marching band camp. That's not including the Senior T-shirt or money for RENTING our uniforms. Or paying dues for God-knows-what props we're using this year. ugh. I'm so not made of money. Neither is my family. Which reminds me that I haven't paid for the Senior T-shirts yet because I really don't give a darn. Frankly, I'm just apathetic towards the whole band experience. The only reason I'm not dropping out is that I've spent three years of my high school life in this band and I want the stupid plaque to show for it. In fact, the whole reason I joined was to get that plaque. I'm not ruining my chances for it now. Shallow? Yes. But then, when have I ever said I wasn't? The truth is that I'm waiting for theatre to start. I'm waiting for theatre and college and more theatre. That, and my Thespian friend to sign on. ugh. Meanwhile, I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my webpage. I'm so not happy with the layout but am at a loss for what to do with it. Maybe it'll come to me later, but now I have to sign off and do some reading. I still have 400pgs to go on The Once and Future King. I haven't even started on 1984. I am SUCH a slacker. ugh. The summer reading gods are striking back at me for finnishing my summer reading the first week of summer last year. Has to be. Friday July 21, 2000 10:32pm EST Dorothy went home earlier this evening. I'm so glad she got a chance to come and hang out with me. I had such a wonderful time and ate more than I've eaten in a month. God, I'm such a pig sometimes. oh well. We had a lot of fun. Meanwhile, yesterday I got another letter from my Fountain friend. I don't know what to make of it. . .Dorothy didn't either, and noted that I tend to attract strange people. I agreed. But, I've written him back. *shrug* oh well. Meanwhile, no news from my Thespian friend in two weeks. I miss him. Wednesday July 19, 2000 9:44am EST I go in for my job interview today at 10:45am. It figures that today is the day my hair picks to look wretched. Oh well. You can't have everything, I suppose. Anyhow, I'm a little nervous about it. I mean, I've never had a job interview before. The last job (and only other one to date) was just handed to me on chance. Ugh. I can't let myself get nervous, I'll start getting sick to my stomach. I re-did the index to my journal last night before bed, and while I'm not completely happy with it- it'll do for now. Anyhow, it's much better than the goth look I had before. I don't know what I was trying to accomplish there. *Shrug* So much summer reading to do. . .I've only read 150pgs of a 630pg book. ugh. And I have 2 more books to go. I'm presently reading The Once and Future King, which has really picked up. So far I've seen King Pellimore(sp?), Robin Wood. . .Merlyn(of course), and several other people. Also, I've been turned into a fish, a hawk and an ant. So, all in all I've been very busy for the past two days. I still have to read 1984, which I am looking forward to. . .and the one with the title I have trouble spelling. The Aneid. I'm sure I got that wrong. I have to read it for AP Latin, though. *Sigh* How am I ever to finnish with band camp in my way? later. . .10:34pm EST I got the job at Winn-Dixie. All I have to do now is get a drug test done (yay) and I'm all set. Actually, I'm looking forward to actually getting a paycheck for once. It'll be a good change from being broke. Also, my friend Dorothy is coming over tomorrow and staying until Friday. So more than likely I won't be online at all for the next few days. Watch my Thespian friend choose tomorrow or Friday for the days that he wants to make an appearence online. *sigh* Oh well. At least he'll e-mail me, I hope. Speaking of which. . .maybe it's about time I e-mailed TOOMA. Thanks to Tammy for never throwing anything out, or deleteing e-mails, she found his e-mail address. I had it, once upon a time, only I was afriad to use it. Still don't think I'm going to, but it's a thought to fight back boredom. |