maybe this time I've figured it out

Tuesday July 18, 2000 11:39pm EST

I've been visiting a lot of good online journal sites lately. Sites by people who are insightful and. . .'real'. Not over cynical middle-aged women that make me doubt myself. And now I'm wondering at the virtues of converting this webpage into an entire journal thing. Only, I don't think I could be as good as they are.

Monday July 17, 2000 9:04pm EST

This morning a lady from Winn-Dixie called me wanting to schedule a job interview. I feel much better about this than the movie theater. . .although I'm wondering if turning down a chance to make money was good or not. So anyhow, I set up an interview for Wednesday and am looking forward to it. I hope I get a job. I really need money if I want to do half the things I want to do my Senior year. *Sigh*

Meanwhile, I went and got the rest of the books I need for my summer reading. . .plus a few I'll need for AP Latin next year. I'm just missing one, and we ordered it. So, basically I'm all set for school. If only I was in a reading mood. I keep putting off sitting down and reading. And I know that The Once and Future King is a good book, but I just can't focus on it. *sigh* I don't know what it is. Maybe because I know the ending. And don't like the ending. How could I like anything as tragic as it is? Oh well. I also got 1984. The lady who was working the counter today, Ann, got a laugh out of it when I knew right were it was on the shelf. *shrug* Doesn't everyone have their own section of their favorite bookstore memorized? Mine is were all the 'classics' and plays are.

So still no word from my Thespian friend, and while I still want to talk to him I've come to the realization that he doesn't hate me. He is not avoiding me. And he more than likely wasn't hit by a bus. *sigh* People have lives, and I'm just going to have to deal with that. So, I'm ready to deal. And if he comes online, GREAT. If not, I know he will eventually. And I'm willing to wait.

Anyhow, it appears that more and more people are starting to come online. I think people are getting back from their vacations, leaving me less bored. :-) always a good thing.

Sunday July 16, 2000 10:33pm EST

I am so very tired. ugh. I spent most of the day running away from this horrible feeling this house gives me. I get like that when my family won't let me open windows. Then they turned on every single fan we own in the entire house. . .on top of the AC. . .so I retreated into my room with a wet rag and dusted all afternoon. With my window open and my ceiling fan off. I don't know what it is, but when I start feeling sick I get more quirky than normal. Today I got it into my head that the fans were making me sick. So when I wasn't darting from room to room and turning off fans after my father had turned them on for the millionth time, I was outside. *Gasp* Yes, I went into daylight. I read for a little while on our screened in porch. I didn't get very far though because it was very hot and I could feel pollen start to creep into my lungs. So again I retreated back into my room.

I went to see The Kid today. It was good to get out of the house. You have no idea. The movie was actually pretty cute. I don't think the kids in the audience enjoyed it as much as the adults. In several parts you could hear the kids all around us asking (rather loudly) "What doesn't that mean?" But it was a cute movie. I liked it.

And now I am sitting at the computer screen in the hardwood floored room. Which is a mistake in two parts. The first is that I'm nursing a headache and the computer is doing nothing to help that. . .the second is that I start feeling SO bad if I stay in here for very long. I think I may clean it up tomorrow. Dust or soemthing. I dunno. I just have to get out of this sick feeling. It's this whole house. It stays bottled up and no one lets me open a door or a window to let fresh, clean air in. So we're stuck with all this dirty air. No wonder I'm sick all the time.

Saturday July 15, 2000 5:04pm EST

I am exhausted. Very much so, in fact. I have spent all day looking at college catalogs and college webpages and financial(sp?) aid forms and scholarships that I'm not elligable to apply for. . .and some I am. Also, I entered a poetry contest in hopes of getting money for college. I submitted "disillusion" for those of you who may be interested. I hope it's good enough. I can't tell anymore. I've read it so many times that now I'm almost ashamed of it. But no more than any of my other work.

Anyhow, I've narrowed down my list of potential colleges even more. And just because I know you're dying to find out where I'm planning to go, I'll tell you. Heck, I'll even list it in order I like best.

~*~*~ First choices

Boston University (even though they STILL haven't sent me a catalog)
Nebraska-Lincoln University
University of South Dakota

Second choices

Piedmont College
Agnes Scott
Emory University
Berry College
Shorter College

~*~*~

And there we have it. Although I haven't the slightest clue on how I'm going to get the money for it. Also, I'm still keeping my eyes open for a college with a great Technical Theatre program. Specificlly(sp?) Lighting Design. I'm having trouble finding stuff online though and I don't know where else to look. And then there is the little issue of my parents freaking out about me wanting to go out of state. . .even though they are moving to Florida pretty soon. In fact, my mother even asked me to look for colleges there. I laughed. Rude, I know. But I did. I couldn't explain to you why, but I loathe the idea of living in Florida. It just isn't for me.

Ugh. I've been doing lots of research on Lighting Portfolios, and I can't find any good examples online. Most people only have pictures and no examples of light plots. How on earth and I supposed to create a good light plot to submit to colleges if I don't see an example? *sigh* I may have to break down and go to Chapter 11 to buy a book on it. Or something. I'll figure it out. Not doing this is not an option. At least not in my eyes.

later. . .10:00pm EST

I only just finnished watching "The Princess Bride" with my father. I started watching it with him during the middle. Didn't see the first half. It was my first time seeing the movie, and I must say that I was utterly revolted by it. How on earth could. . .*shudder* Buttercup (btw. . .who would name a kid such a wretched name as that?) fall for that scumy Wesley? He was egotistical(sp?) and dumb and I didn't like him. Maybe I just missed something. Or not, and it was really that dreadful. If I were the Princess (I cannot bring myself to say her name again) I wouldn't have tried to turn a blade on myself (and what a creepy, pigish thing for Wesley to say to stop her. ugh!). I would have sought to kill that creepy guy. Not Wesley, but the liar. That strange name I can't say. *sigh* I felt like I was watching a Monty Python movie throughout the whole thing. But, on a positive note, I finnally understand the phrase "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Years and years of comic skits and cartoons finnaly come together. I know. Pitiful.

They're never be a romance that is written well enough to hold my attention. Except perhaps "While You Were Sleeping", but that doesn't really count because it is modern day and. . .well, sort of a comedy. Is it too much to ask for to have a movie with a strong heroine (without making her butch and brute and. . .femi-nazish) and a kind hero (that doesn't say pigish things and isn't egotistical and doesn't have to save the girl) and a villian with a heart (without making him a sniveling twit. Brains and Brawn people! Brains and brawn!). All I want is depth. But in this age I don't think I'm going to get it. *sigh* I would write my own movie, but I'm far too lazy. Or is it 'to' ?

Friday July 14, 2000 2:22pm EST

I am presently in a fairly good mood. And, surprisingly I am not bored *knock on wood* and I am reasonably happy with my body. Even though I'm sure I look a sight with my hair wet and all (still). I'm down to 138 pounds. Which is much better than the 149 I weighed a few weeks ago. I owe all the walking in Nebraska and the fact that I can't eat a lot before I get physically sick for my new weight. And, frankly I have more self-esteem now that I'm weighing less. But, because I realize how vain and self-absorbed this sounds I'm going to shut up about it.

I added a new thought thingie on my tanget page. I can't seem to get away from using tables everywhere. They're just so fun and colorful. Even if they aren't the prettiest layout in the world. *shrug* Lately I've found that I really don't care about updating a lot of things. Only the journal. Lots of things that I could use for rants and stuff I've used here. Mostly because I'm lazy and don't want to create a new page. *shrug* oh well.

I've been thinking of posting more of my poems, but I'm really afraid to do it. I mean, the moment I let them go you can interpret them as you will. . .only, I don't want that. I don't want their meaning muddled. I'm just selfish like that, I suppose. That and I'm the only one who has read these. They're just. . .personal. So, I guess that settles it. The poems stay mine. I won't add them.

I took some quizes on alloy.com last night. Let me tell you that I have never taken an online quiz that was more wrong. There was nothing that applied to me and so it always came out that I was some sort of vapid party animal. That and my life was like American Pie. Which disturbed me. Greatly. *shudder* There's a reason that I boycott that movie and now it tells me that my life is like that? Ha! so much for that webpage. I think I'm going to play Mario Bros on my regular nintendo now. Yes. I have a regular nintendo. How cheesy am I?

. . .later. . .10: 09pm EST

My tummy feels sick. Again. I think it is because I drank to many cokes today. I promised myself I wouldn't have any, but I had 3. So much for will power. Mama told me today that she thought I should be eating more. I eat when I'm hungry. I just haven't been that hungry lately. Even Ba commented on it today at lunch. Which was strange for me. Because he never directs any interest towards me. At all. Little brothers just don't do that. I think they're over reacting, though. I eat when I'm hungry. I'm not starving myself. I'm not.

I am still in a reasonably good mood. *knock on wood* This also is strange for me at night. It seems that I get stressed out at night more than I do during the day. Go figure. I've promised myself that I wouldn't fret over if my thespian friend was coming online tonight or what. I cannot let myself do this. In fact, I think I may sign off-line to play a computer game. In MS-DOS mode. Without AIM on. So there. :-P

I wonder how far that letter has gotten. . .

Thursday July 13, 2000 9:16pm EST

If it takes a letter three days to get from North Ga to South Ga, how many days does it take a letter to get from North Ga to Texas? I sent a letter to my fountain friend today letting him know that I am not in love with him. The moment that the postman came at 4pm and took it away I felt regret. This all-to-familar sensation of regret and dread washed over me. I felt the same way when I told trekker that I didn't love him. I shouldn't be allowed around people. I always end up hurting people. Needlessly.

Still no news from my Thespian friend, though I am much calmer now. I'm convinced that the episode I had yesterday was brought on by stress and illness. Not the fact that I am mentally unstable. Although I quite possibly could be. I don't think anyone would be surprised if I was. I wouldn't.

So here I sit. Bored. Myke pointed out last night that I get that way a lot. And then my horoscope had the nerve to tell me that boredom is a place I put myself. *sigh* Sometimes life is strange. I'm in the mood to talk to someone. Really talk. communicate. And yet I am hiding out under one of my lesser known AIM SN's. . .Janey once told me that she was too timid to actually IM people. That she often just turned AIM on to let people know that she was there with them. That they weren't alone. I think that's why I put people I never IM on my lesser known SN's. It makes me feel less alone when I see them floating around. And I know that I could IM them if I wanted. Only, I don't have to. When I'm on the SN that everyone and his brother knows, IMing people becomes this strange obligation that I feel held up to. And often the conversations are really pointless.

THEM: Hi!
ME: Hi.
THEM: What's up? 
ME: Not much. You? 
THEM: Nothing.

And then the conversation lapses for 30min or an hour until someone eventually chimes in to say they're bored. Namely me. heh. But hey, at least I'm honest about it.

I'm going to try to entertain myself. yeah. right.

later. . .11:06pm EST

Well, I managed to beat back boredom for awhile. Although, I now feel positively sick and I have managed to get myself worked up again. Why do I do this to myself. Am I really that sad of a person? Or rather, do I really have no life at all? Any normal teenage girl wouldn't be online right now. No. She'd be off hanging out with friends or on a date or something interesting. Geesh. She might even be driving around town by herself just thinking. Do you know how I know this? It's because I'm the only one in the free world that ever goes online anymore. ugh! Everyone else is either off hanging with friends or at a family reunion or working or something. Something. And all I have is to do is to sit here and whine. Lucky you.

I'm really very petty and vain. These aren't problems. Problems are knowing your grandfather has 2months left to live because he has cancer and the doctors have given up. Problems are wondering if you're pregnant. again. Problems are anything but what I have presently and I should be thankful that I am bored. Bored out of my ever-loving mind. ugh! I know this. But that doesn't change the fact that I want to talk to my thespian friend and I want him to come online NOW and talk to me. Or at least e-mail me. Or soemthing.

There is something drasticly wrong with this picture. Something very horribly wrong. ugh ugh ugh. But I am in denial and I think I'll stay there for awhile longer. At least while I'm there I don't usually have urges to rip my hair out of my head. Usually. It might stop me from being bored though.

Wednesday July 12, 2000 7:40pm EST

This madness must stop. I believe I'm making myself sick. Or, at least I feel sick. Like I can't breathe. Then there's the whole thing that I still feel sick when I eat. Mama said it'll pass. I hope so.

I've been without internet since Monday. I thought I'd go out of my mind, I wanted to get to my mailbox so badly. Only, now that I have there was no e-mail. My heart has fallen. It gives me a heavy feeling when people don't respond to me. I always jump to the conclusion that they hate me. . .I hope he doesn't. Sadness. It was such a good e-mail that I sent him, too. A little weird, but then all my e-mails are. *shrug* Maybe it wasn't as good as I thought. fah. This has got to stop. I'm falling for shadows. Again. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now.

Boys bad. solitude good. fah the world.

later... 11:23pm EST

My younger brother is playing FF7 on the tv and playstation directly behind where I am sitting at the computer desk. The music is drilling itself into my brain, making me increasingly uncomfortable. It's so dispondant and. . .fitting somehow. Only, I know exactly how. It's starting again. It's starting again, and not matter what I do I can't stop it. So I just sit here cowering(sp?) like a rabbit. Waiting for the worst to come.

My mind is everywhere at once. No, that isn't true. I know exactly where it is. I shouldn't be thinking about him. But that's what I'm doing. My thoughts torn between TOOMA and this new person. My thespian friend. My thespian friend that lives in CO. God, have I done it again? No. No, this is different. Because I've met this one. And talked to him. And now, because I haven't talked to him since Saturday I feel as though. . .as though what? I worry that he hates me and I'll never talk to him again. That I've lost him. But what have I lost? Maybe he has changed his SN to get away from me because I am creepy.

Unlikely.

I hope.

Let's pretend like this little rant session never happened, shall we? *sigh* I think this illness I have is affecting my mind. Has to be. Has to be. . .I can't be as unstable as all this. Can I?

Monday July 10, 2000 5:15pm EST

You have no idea just how ugly I feel right now. It's because I looked at some pictures a friend sent to me. I always look awful in pictures.

Also. I have guilt. Not just normal guilt, but the sickly sweet nausea guilt that hangs in your stomach for days. I got a letter from a guy I met at Thespain today. He was nice, and handsome. He seemed intelligent. Remeinded me awfully of a guy I know here named Alan, and just not the type of guy I usually go for. Only he's fallen into the "You're perfect" pit. Tried to get too close. Like Balkin. I feel sad and upset that I have to write him and tell him I don't feel that way. Let's hope I can keep it painless. Unlike it was for trekker. That was bad. I still feel responcible for his depression. Even though Auntie Lilith and Shadow say I shouldn't. *shrug* I guess it's in my nature to do so.

Sunday July 9, 2000 11:10pm EST

Had a wretched night last night. I hardly slept at all. ugh. I was either too hot or too cold or cramped... and it didn't help that I was sleeping on the floor. Funny. I usually don't mind swaping my bed out for a guest (my father's mother came yesterday), but last night was awful. I woke up with my legs on fire. I had to get up and walk around. So there I am, up at 6:55am on a Sunday morning when I should be sleeping. I mean, cartoons aren't even on then. *sigh* oh well. I got over it.

I think I'm getting sick. My body has been acting strangely ever since Nebraska. I can't eat anything. When I do I get really nausous (and other such mispellings) and have to lay down or something. Also, my body is constantly exhausted and drained even though I am filled with nervous energy. I think maybe it's just that I'm a hypocondrac (nope. can't spell that word either).

I went to my friend Megan's birthday party tonight. I had a blast. She is so cool and fun to be around. I simply adore her. I also enjoyed hanging around with her friends. It was totally a girl's night out. We ate and hung out and chatted and ate and watched that "Duce Bigalo" movie or however you spell that. Fun stuff. I enjoyed myself. Megan is such a sweetheart. Love her to death.

I'm still weirded out about that e-mail that girl sent me. I was going to say "friend" in reference to her, but somehow I don't think that fits. *grimace*

Meanwhile I'm considering the virtues of e-mailing a certain Thespian friend. I'm such a pushover. Oh, which reminds me. I'm thinking of changing my AIM sn. . .again. I'm just not happy with it. Doesn't suit me. Or rather, I want something that suits me better. Something like that. *shrug* I dunno. I more than likely won't change it, though. I'm not good at coming up with anything creative that isn't depressing. And depressing isn't something that I want to radiate. Not at this present stage in my life where I'm actually not depressed. Go figure.

Which reminds me. I saw "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" today. Cute. Not my favorite musical though. Buddy was good though. But then, he always is. It was good, there were just some things about it that annoyed me. *shrug* It was ok though. They're closing tonight. Maybe they already have. I dunno.

Those people from that Dollar Theater called tonight while I was out. I'm supposed to call tomorrow at 1pm. I have an icky feeling in the pit of my stomach about this job and the boys that work there. . .but I need the money. Looks like I'll have to push gut instincts to the back burner for awhile. Besides, what's the worst that could happen? It's only a cheap movie theater in a bad part of town next to a tavern. That's poorly lit. *sigh* joy.

Saturday July 8, 2000 11:17pm EST

I am disturbed. No... not mentally disturbed. I mean, I'm disturbed by someone elses actions. My friend sent me this e-mail that disturbed me. Well, several really. But the one with the picture is what messed me up. I don't even want to type what it is. *shudder* I am disgusted. ugh.

Friday July 7, 2000 6:17pm EST

So I go online and check my e-mail only to discover a message from a friend that I haven't talked to in a long time saying that she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. Strange. I'm surprised. Not greatly hurt, considering I haven't spoken with her in years, but surprised.

Went on a job interview today. At a local movie theater. Also, I put in an application at a grocery store (and other such mispellings) near my house. The manager guy at the theater hit on me. Guys are strange. I have a feeling I got the movie theater job if I want it. *sigh* We'll see.

cookies! mama baked cookies. chocolate chip. mmm...

other than that I haven't much to report on my end. I've forgotten whatever I intended to write here last night (I'm still such a pushover).

Thursday July 6, 2000 11:39pm EST

I am a pushover. I am SUCH a pushover. ugh! But knowing I'm a pushover doesn't help me for beans.

lol. I talked to my thespian friend today. tonight. moments ago. I Am SUCH a pushover. I swear, if only people knew, I mean really knew exactly how much of a pushover I am. *sigh* (stopit becca. you cannot start liking someone you've at thespian conference...even if he does say really really sweet things to you.)

off to bed. I'm exhausted. today was really....strange. maybe I'll tell you about it tomorrow. interesting though. then, strange things usually are. *smile*

Tuesday July 4, 2000 2:03pm EST

I went through yesterday thinking that it was both Saturday AND the 4th of July. Strange.

I feel like a changed person. So drasticly changed and different that sitting still within my house is driving me out of my mind. I need to go somewhere and do something. I don't mean just drive around. . . I mean DO something. Funny. About a week ago I would have been perfectly content to sit in front of the computer all day. But now I can't think of anything worse. Other than sit in front of the t.v. *sigh* I e-mailed one of my friends from Thespian Conference, but he has yet to e-mail me back. I do so hope that he does. He was really cool and I would be heartbroken if I lost contact with him.

My mind has been trying to convince me that I made a fool of myself at ITC and I should be ashamed and embarrassed, but I refuse to believe it. I refuse to have regrets. So I can't dance. So what? I had fun. *smile* I will not let myself feel regret.

I got the urge to get out of my house last night. I had to get up and go. So I did. I went walking at 8:30pm and didn't come home until 10:30 that night. Once I started walking I couldn't make myself turn around and go back. I had to keep going. And now I'm bored with nothing to do. ugh.

Monday July 3, 2000 6:34pm EST

I got back from the International Thespian Conference yesterday. So much has happened and it was so wonderful. Needless to say, it was one of the best weeks of my life. And I feel like it has changed me. A lot.

I'd tell you more and go into detail... only, I don't really feel like it. I have been talking about it all day to different people and I feel all talked out. Let's just leave it at the fact that I met a lot of cool new people and saw a lot of things I've never seen before. And, in the process I've fallen in love with Nebraska... or however you spell that.

I'm all antsy and stuff because I haven't done much all day long, and now I'm used to moving around and walking everywhere all day. I don't know what to do now that my hands are free and I have no where to be at a certain time. *shrug* oh well. Maybe I'll get an e-mail from one of the guys I met at Conference. That'd be cool. Majorly.

Friday June 23, 2000 2:32pm EST

We're not moving.

I have the most beautiful costume ever! Before in the play I was a poor "common girl" that looked like a milkmaid. I was constantly teased by everyone for being poor and my character had to debase herself so much because everyone else looked down on her. But now, I'm one of the big dogs! Oh yeah! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. heh. Sorry... just had to get that out of my system.

Seriously though, my costume is most lovely. Once I was dressed and got my hair pinned up I was smoothing out my skirts and Allison W. turned around and gasped, "Becca, you look so beautiful!" Lots of others said so too. My dress is a purplish lavander color. Very heavy and with a lot of laces. No more zippers for me. It takes another person to help me get dressed because I can't lace myself from the back. I can't even begin to describe it. Maybe I'll get a copy of the picture that Ms. Stewert is supposedly taking tonight... If not, oh well.

I took my senior pictures today. Boy, am I glad that's over with. But, thankfully, I think I looked alright. Enough to please me, anyhow.

I'm getting sick. I woke up at 6:35am this morning with my face hurting. The back of my eyes burn and my temples ache. I'm exhausted, but I can't take a nap because my face hurts. I think it's all that hairspray I wore lastnight to keep my curls up for the show. The smell always gets to me and I've never worn hair products that long before- Except for homecoming, and that was different. icky. my throat is starting to hurt. I hope I don't get sick before I go to Nebraska.

Wednesday June 21, 2000 5:25pm EST

I've been away for a long while. Away from the computer. Because every time I looked at it my head began to ache and I'd get angry. I had to take a break. And when I came back I realized that more than ever I had to get away from all these depressing layouts I surrounded myself in. Not only were they not me, but they took away from the content. Or rather, kept me from adding content.

When I realized that, the next thing I realized was that I couldn't listen to what all the other people said about what webpages should be. Not because they were right or wrong, but because it depressed me. I have to do things my way or not at all. With that in mind, I'm willing to start over (once again). . . and this time you won't even have to change your link. heh.

...later...

I've overheard my father and mother talking right now. My father says that the railroad wants to move him to Jacksonville. And my heart stops. God, why now? Why? My senior year! Why? We couldn't have just held on one more year. I swear to God. I will kill myself before I move again. I'll do anything I have to do so that I don't have to move again. I WILL NOT go through that again. Never again will I go through the Hell that moving put me through. Not again. And my senior year! No. It isn't fair. Not when we don't have to move. Not when it is the same money and the same job. Not when it's just "gee, let's move". NO. nonononononononononono. I will not move again. I will not be ripped away one year before I could have made a clean break on my own. This must be stopped.

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