| Harry Potter 8
How Harry Got His Groove Back The the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. Harry woke up, only to realize he had been anal probed by John Kerry and a coal miner. This had been happening frequently to Harry ever since he got back from Hogwarts several weeks ago. "What am I doing with my life, man?" Harry asked his domented pet owl. But the owl only replied by laying a huge shit on Harrys shirt. "Arrrrrrggggghhh! Damn those Brazilians for eating my pie!" Harry said. Harry got changed into his "I'm with stupid ^" shirt and quickly put on his pink suspenders. All of a sudden, he heard an eerie noise coming from his closet so he decided to investigate. He slowly opened the closet door.............. nothing. Then all of a sudden Micheal Jackson came out and pulled Harry into his layer. Harry woke up face down in a ditch several hours later. Harry was so confused, he couldn't even go to the bathroom without his book of carpet samples, so how was he suppose to get out of this one? Luckilly Ron pulled up just in time with his lowrider and threw a box of cheerios at him. "Screw you!" yelled Harry. But he knew it was of no use because Ron was a gangsta badass who lived by his own rules. Next, Harry watched Ron drive up Beside Hermione. "Hey punk give me yo cash, I DEMAND IT!" Ron was screaming. Then Harry Looked at how Hermione turned out. Oh God. She was worse than the New York "pedestrians". Uglier and Fatter. Then Ron took out an Uzi and Shot her in the leg. Harry Jacked Hermiones Purse and all was good. Until Hagrid ran out of the bushes batting people in the shins randomly. Hagrid had recently become criminally insane ever since that demonic leprechaun came to his house and told him to BURN! It didn't help either that his secret lover DUMBleDORK had spontaneously combusted after Snape tried some of his poser moves on him."Yo Harry!" Yelled Hagrid. "Youza gonna get batted!". Harry quickly limped home to his drunken uncles house. "Harry, you're late for your back to school shopping!" Said Harrys drunken uncle. "Don't be frontin'" Said Harry, "Hagrid escaped from the asylum again and went on his weekly rampage". Harrys drunken uncle stepped into their off-road grocery cart and gave Harry the finger. Harry took it as a signal to step in the vehicular and followed it. When they got to Staples Harry looked at his back-to school list "Books: How to make counterfeit merchandise, The Art of Wizardry and Window-repair, Math and Grammar Are Your Friends Ages 2-4, Everbody Poops and How to be a great CrossDresser. Supplies:12-pack markers, Seven Pairs of Re-Usable Diapers, A satanic Cross, A new wand(Plastic, 2 inches, Wacko Jacko Hair) A pink and purple Wig( For Tranfiguration(into crossdresser). "Alright, looks like i'm the special class again!" Exclaimed Harry "Can i please get the smelly felts, Drunken uncle?" "No way, last time i got you those you were in the bathroom for 3 days straight sniffing them." Yelled and stuttered the Drunken Fat Uncle with purple veins popping out of his huge moustached forehead. "Nuh-uh, that was your very own son, he is a bad boy, right?" asked Harry. "No it wasn't, it was me. You're dumb, you dumbass." After they got home Harry took a crap, it was glorius, "What a fine poo" Said Harrys Aunt "It is magnificent" said Harrys drunken uncle "werrewdhjshuahffh" Said Harrys cousin. Harry took a snapshot of it. "This is going on my wall" He claimed, "And I can jar it and bring it to school to show my friends!" Harrys drunken uncle drove harry to the train station to disown him "You can catch the train to school when it comes soon" He said "But i have no food" Claimed Harry. "Theres a bottle of jack daniels and some loose peanuts in your suitcase" Replied Harrys drunken uncle. 2 weeks had passed since Harrys drunken uncle had disowned him at the trainstation and the time had finally came for Harry to buy a ticket. "Can I have a ticket for three cents and a button?" Asked Harry "No, screw you." Replied the man. "Please...." Asked Harry once more. "No, go away." Then a midget appeared out of a trolley and approached Harrry then kicked him in the nuts. Then a strange man stepped up to Harry "I'll take your offer" He said to Harry "But I'm smuggling a bunch of Mexicans so you'll have to ride in the back of my crack-van" Harry stepped into the crack-van and plumped his patutie next to a man brandishing a knife. He woke up several hours later in front of hogwarts and noticed he had four stabwounds "alright new record!" He proudly announced. Hogwarts, the finest magic establishment on the west side, it stood proud and magnificent like a great palace. And Hogwarts special ed building stood grand at eight feet, he could smell the great fragrance of rotting wood and baby shit, the walls were painted a glorius puke green with a few splotchs of shit every here and there. This is where he belonged, not at his drunken uncles cardboard box. Harry stepped into the dining hall, and sat at the east side table. "Silence, mortals!!!" said there new Defence against the dark farts teacher; Micheal Jackson. Today he only gave them thier speedos which he claimed to be the new school uniforms, then told them to scoot their cutie patuties off to the next class. On the way to potions class. Harry ran into his (only) friend the pole. "Hi pole." Said Harry. "..." replied the pole. "How was your summer?" Asked Harry. "..." Said the pole. "OK." Replied Harry "You should call snape a poser right in his face" Said Harry's concious. "Hmmmm....." Said Harry "what do you have to say?" Harry asked his other concious. "I don't care, I already gave up on you." "Who the hell are you talking to?" asked a passing student. "None of your beeswax, sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me, your mom, i know you are but what am I, blah blah blah blah." Harry went to potions class. "Why are you late Mr.Potter?" Asked Snape. "Cause you're a poser, biznatch!" Answered Harry. "How did it go." "Well I did it, then I woke up in a pool of blood and someone had jacked my jeans and clipped a 5 dollar bill to my shirt, just like last time." Said Harry. Harry headed back to his dormroom. "Whats the password!?" asked the guard. "I'm a gay hobo who licks dogpoo" Exclaimed Harry. "How did you know?" Asked the guard. "Know what?" Asked Harry. Harry stepped in the lounge. He saw three boys setting one end of their wands on fire and sticking the other end in their mouth. Harry knew what they were doing, they were getting mystical on magic. Dun Dun Duh.... "Hey kid" asked one of the boys. "Wanna smoke some magic?" "No way jose, they told me what it does to you in home ec, cause i got kicked out of shop class for putting a rusty nail through my knees" "What the hell?" Replied one of the boys. "Piss off you bloody wanker!" Said one of the other boys. Harry hurried to his dorm room because the magic heads were now chasing him and throwing peanuts at him. There he ran into Ron. "Hi Ronnie" Said Harry. "Shut up, biatch!" Replied Ron. "Are we still homie J's?" Asked Harry. "Shut yo mouth before I pop a cap in yo ass, bitch!" Said Ron. "Yay" Said Harry. After a good nights rest Harry awoke, he prepared his sheets for cleaning before the other boys were awake so they couldn't know about the bladder dysfunction he had in bed. He then hurried over to transfiguration core (his aunt had told him core meant "hardcore" meaning he was special in a good way). "Now for your first transfiguration" Said Ms.Mcgonjugalcgaj "You will turn coke into pepsi, I do not expect you'll get this on the first time, or the second time, or even the 132th time, since you're all "special" but just keep on truckin". Harry muttered the words "Pepsious transformicus" A light spark bounced off the Coca-Cola can. Harry grasped the can and noticed it was still cold, he nervously raised the can to his lips and took a sip. He quickly spat it out in disgust. "What is this disgusting, demonic beverage?!" A nearby student quickly grabbed the can and took a drink out of it. "RC cola" He said. After class Harry looked at his schedule and noticed he had CAPP essentials next. He walked into the room and was imediately was greeted by the professor; Mr. McDonought. "Hello Mr. Potter!" He said in a loud squeeky voice. He walked to the front of the class and began adressing the students. "Today class, we will be learning how to change your very own diaper!" He began to show us an example using a rubber ass. Harry began to wonder why he had one. "Now try on your own!" Mr. McDonought said. The door swung wide open as Mr. Jackson ran into the room. "Can I help, please?" He asked Mr. McDonought. "Sorry Micheal, But I think I've got it handled!" Mr. McDonought replied. |