::Self harM::

*****

It all started four years ago. I was 19. I was going through a very difficult period at that time. Honestly the first time I did it I wanted to imitate a dear friend of mine, who was a cutter, anorexic, took medicines and so on. I managed to find a razorblade and then I used it on my arms. I didn't make any wounds or scars. It just didn't work. So then I tried with knives, pencil sharpener and other blades, yet nothing seemed to work on my pale skin. Eventually I got another razorblade, it was my grandmother's, she must have used it to cut the gold leaves for her paintings, and now I feel ashamed for the way I used it, it's like I dishonoured that object. Beacause it worked out fine. I had my little red wounds on my arms and wrists now. And they hurt. And I felt I was still alive.
Then, all these years, I stopped and then started again. Sometimes daily, sometimes I wouldn't do that for months.

This year (2004) I've done it only twice. At the end of March and today, May the 19th.
When I do it, it's beacause I can't stand myself anymore, I can't bear the pain of all the thoughts living inside my head.

I'm sorry. But don't worry, I'm not suicidal. It's just self harm. Slow, invisible suicide maybe.