WrestleMania X-8 is just around the corner, and I would like to bang Trish Stratus more than ever. Are they real? Fake? The suspense is killing me...I might just tell her to screw the WWF and go ahead and fly down here so I can give her the night of pleasure she has always dreamed of. But as I anxiously await my long due Stratusfaction, I've decided to pass the time with a very special interview...an interview with my tag team partner in e-wrestling, and the guy who has my back on Rogue Spear and will eventually on Ghost Recon. I've decided to interview the greatest jobber of all time. I've decided to interview...
JACK DUNCAN!!!
Please note: the following interview is indeed 100% real, and the so-called "Hoss" can verify that himself. Now, without further adue, I will begin interviewing Jack Duncan live via telephone! That's right- I will record this interview here, AS IT HAPPENS! And so it begins...
CT: Jack, first things first- I claim to have around a 75% win rate. What would say yours is?
JD: Oh maybe...maybe 15-20%.
CT: That's pretty pathetic.
JD: Yeah, I know.
CT: Okay Jack- on your website, which is not official like mine, you claim to have won around what, 100 championships? How many have you really had? And please note that I know the true answer...
JD: ...
CT: Jack? You gonna answer that?
JD: Uh...hahaha...I've won about...shit. I don't even remember how many real titles I've won. The lies have been told for so long, they've just become the truth. So I'll say I've won 100 titles. But, just so you know...everyone of those titles on my site, it's a lie. Actually, to tell the truth, of the actual titles I've won- none of them are listed on my site.
CT: Well I believe the true total is around five. Of course I've won nearly 5 times as many as that, but we'll move on. So Jack- how does it feel to be known as the loser of Force? When people talk about the Force, they always seem to say that Creature carries Jack, and that Jack is dead weight.
JD: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute- When people talk about the Force, they don't even mention Jack!
CT: Well how does that make you feel?
JD: It, it really makes me laugh my ass off. I am proud to be the biggest jobber in e-fedding.
CT: Are you proud to have lost to Inphino Blitz?
JD: That I must say I am not proud of. That was perhaps the most disappointing moment in my career. To lose to someone as terrible as Inphino Blitz, that is just shit. You know, I really, I don't blame Blitz for that loss. And I really don't blame myself for that loss. For that loss, I blame Kevin Gill, to quote the Hitman.
CT: Why do you blame Gill?
JD: Because, he runs around with Blitz's cock stuck up his ass 24 hours a day. He is one of the enormous herd of Blitz lovers that now make up the HCW. I had no chance. Besides that, I think Blitz wrote the match.
CT: You certainly are the King of Jobbers. On a side note however- how much do you love Kurt Angle?
JD: That is about the stupidest question I have ever been asked in an interview, grant it this is the first interview I've ever done, but still. I guess Kurt's pretty good, I don't worship him to the same extent as you, but he's good. He's a man. RVD fucking rocks. RVD is better than Kurt Angle. You can strike the last comment and put that in.
CT: Nah, I strike nothing. Hmm...so what exactly do you think is Justin DeGesu's problem? Why is he so obsessed with bringing in new, crappy characters each month?
JD: I cannot answer that question man. I have no clue why he has to bring in a new character all the time. You know, I mean, as, as Slayer, he was like the best in HCW. Then, he brings in some new character- Michael Mercer. I mean, you said it yourself- he was the King of Cliche`s. I mean, did you read that gigantic 10,000 words or whatever post that he did? He basically just repeated the same thing over and over and over. It was the most boring thing I read. Although that might have been as Chris Mercer. You know, Michael might have taken away some of his skills. Uh...who came next?
CT: Sarah Mercer came next. But she was a complete flop.
JD: Sarah Mercer? Oh yeah, that was when he was ripping off the stalker angle wasn't it?
CT: Yeah.
JD: Then we had- Justin next, right?
CT: Yep.
JD: And he was like a complete joke. I don't think anybody took him seriously. And now we've got Raiden, who is, well at least he has the benefit of being a former character instead of being brand new, but he sucks just as bad. You want my opinion on the whole thing, I think he should have just stuck with Chris Mercer- stuck with Slayer.
CT: Alright. Back to you.
JD: That was a great transition man. Alright, back to you. Ah, my favorite subject.
CT: Yeah...do you think you will ever win singles gold in HCW?
JD: I doubt it.
CT: Not even the Hardcore Title?
JD: Nah, I just think everybody, you know from, the lowliest card writer to Paul Ballatti himself just have the words Jack Duncan and jobber too closely engrained in their minds to ever put me over.
CT: Ballatti has gone on record saying that you are one of his boys.
JD: That's true. But I don't know man, I just don't see myself ever getting put over anybody. Except for in tag team competition.
CT: So do you think Trish's breasts are real? I've heard rumors that they are.
JD: Ahh....that is a question that I believe mankind will be thinking on for years to come, until she comes out and confirms it. Yes, I believe they are real. And I always believe they are very, very nice.
CT: Yeah, I've been thinking that too. They are just as versatile as Kurt Angle it seems. Implants just aren't that versatile. Look at Stephanie.
JD: Huh hee ha! So tell me Creach, exactly how are breasts versatile?
CT: Appearnce, size, shape, movement- real ones tend change sometimes, depending on position, stuff like that.
JD: Ah, so that's what versatility is in breasts?
CT: Yes.
JD: I always thought versatility meant it could perform all sorts of different roles. But obviously I was wrong.
CT: You don't think changing shape and size according to position and movement is versatile? Implants are constant man. They don't do crap but sit there and rot.
JD: I suppose that is pretty versatile.
CT: You're not versatile.
JD: However not versatile in the same way as Kurt Angle.
CT: Yeah, yeah. But you're not versatile.
JD: What do you mean I'm not versatile? I can get squashed, I can put up a good fight and still loose, and everything in between. The only thing I can't do is win.
CT: Yeah well this interview is over.
JD: Why? Why you just gonna kill it like that? C'm on man, shouldn't you have some sort of closing, besides just yeah well I'm done with this jobber?
CT: No, because interviewing a jobber turns out is more boring than I thought.
JD: Man...you don't even know how to conduct a good interview man. You know I tried to interview a man once. It would have been a damn good interview too had he not turned chicken and left.
CT: Okay then- here's a challenge. You interview me, live, on your hoaky site. Right now. You up to it?
JD: I'm busy right now. But I'll do it later.
CT: What are you doing?
JD: Jackin' off.
CT: That's sick. C'mon, zip up, and interview me. Hell...we can do it on my site if you want. No, no, no- I'm gonna finish up with these thoughts, you should get ready with your GeoBuilder. I want to see YOU try to conduct a live interview. It's harder than you think when you aren't prepared in the least. You on?
JD: Why weren't you prepared man?
CT: Because we just got done playing Urban Ops. And this was an on the fly thing. Which makes it cool.
JD: But still- you knew it was gonna happen. You shoulda been prepared.
CT: Well you know my interview is going to happen, so get prepared.
JD: You know what they say man, prior planning prevents piss poor performance. And let me tell you, with this interview, this was definitely some piss poor performance right here.
CT: Alright then. Get ready to interview me. Bitch. This interview is OVA!
Okay, so that interview sucked. But I've got Trish on my mind right now, and I don't know why. She's just been looking great lately. She needs to get her belt back at WrestleMania too. She really has stepped it up in the ring, and plus, it's in her home town. Might as well let her go over. Jazz ain't doing shit for the division, no matter what any idiots may say.
Anyway...HCW news. I believe I mentioned that I won the All Star Cup last time. I don't remember. Anyway, yeah, I won the All Star Cup and am now the top dog in HCW. I do really need to get that damned Grand Slam and Cruiser belt, but I'll be patient and worry about that after my reign as HCW Champion ends. Speaking of which- I have three successive title defenses coming up- a Tag Team Title match this Thursday, a HCW Championship defense this Sunday against Maniac with Mathers as the guest referee, and a HCW Championship defense at Hardcore Holocaust II against Mathers. I'm not too worried about things. Tecno and Carnage will be easy pickings this Thursday, and if I can get past Maniac the longest HCW Title reign record is mine. Mathers is pathetic, but Maniac will give me a challenge as always. He's really on his game these days, mainly because he's becoming a jobber like all the other former champions. If he beats me, he'll be fine, but if he loses, he'll just plummet further down the card unless I decide to help elevate him.
Phew...I'm bored, and I can honestly say the only thing that sounds appealing to me right now is having all sorts of dirty sex with Trish Stratus. But I think that is enough mention of her for one night. Maybe I should talk about how Hogan pinned Rock clean tonight...that was awesome. Big Boot, Legdrop, ONE....TWO....THREE! DING...DING...DING!
Well you'll all be happy to know I just went hunting for a picture of Trish to put right here. I was hoping for one with her bending over so I could remark about how much I'd like to have anal sex with her, but all I found was one with her standing next to Christian, and let me tell you...Jay Reso looked like he thought he was the calk of the fucking walk! He probably also had an erection out of this world at the time, but who wouldn't? I think it is safe to say that overall, Christian is the shit.
Good God these thoughts are just dragging on. Someone needs to shoot it and put it out of its misery. I could waste more time talking about Urban Ops and how wonderful I am, but there is just no fucking point.
I'm mercifully Out
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