It has finally happened. The handler of HCW's own Jack Duncan, my loyal tag team partner of four years, has finally convinced me to start my own website column, fashioned after his Jack's Thoughts. Of course, by convince, I mean he verbally bashed me repeatedly and constantly insulted me on his hoaky Official Creature Website rip off, knowing that I had no forum on which to get my revenge. Well Jack, I now have a forum in which to seek my vengeance, and you must now endure the thoughts of a mad man...CREACH'S THOUGHTS!
It is 2:47 AM deep in the heart of Texas, and I am bored shitless. I could roleplay for my oh so exciting HCW All Star Cup match this coming Thursday, but I have already churned out three, and if I decide to do a fourth, the dirty bastards in HCW should consider it a favor. The only reason I give a damn about this retarded idea anyway is because I would like to solidfy my place in the rankings at NUMBER ONE. A place, I might add, that no one, especially that moron Jack, thought I would ever reach. Well HAHAHA FUCK YOU ALL, I made it. And I'm not giving it up until I decide that I've had enough of e-wrestling and retire, which I plan to decide soon enough. I have some goals to achieve first, however.
1) Become the Longest Reigning HCW World Champion of All Time- of course I can get this, unless Gill runs me off first. Mercer, Maniac, and Blitz should provide some nice competition, but not only have I beaten them all before, but none of them are in line for a shot any time soon. And if they are, I will insist that they all receive it in a four corners match during Spring Break so I can smash on them all day long and retain my title. Then it will be on to an easy PPV defense at Holocaust, and God knows from there.
2) Become the Grand Slam Champion- I'm already the Unofficial Grand Slam Champion, having defeated the cocky little Tecno at Meltdown II. Sooner or later they'll just have to give me a shot at the Internet belt, even though it will be against their oh so high standards, and it will be done with.
3) Achieve the Longest Win Streak Record- Like this one will ever happen. I'll give it my best, however, but it will be difficult with the entire Universe against me.
4) Defeat Michael Mercer- Excuse me, Raiden. Yeah, like that makes him any less stale. We are 2-2, and I'd like to make it 3-2 before I go, simply because I don't want the King of Cliche`s to have anything over me.
5) Have a reign as the Cruiserweight Champion- This will happen, likely after I lose the World Title next week to Mercer, ending my win streak and title reign, and then take a break long enough for them to give Maniac the Grand Slam before I can protest. Either way, this one will happen damn it! And regardless of what Inphino Biatch has to say, I will be a KICK ASS Cruiser Champ. And you know why? Because I fucking know what the division is all about. And with that said, I might as well transition into my next subject....
THE WWF'S PISS POOR CRUISERWEIGHT DIVISION
Okay Vince and JR, I know it is hard to push someone who isn't 300 lbs. of lard and can't move faster than my dick, but you can at least try. Sure Tajiri and Funaki, Chavo and Hurricane, Jeff Hardy and Crash, Christian and Malenko, and all the others are not Hosses and are not fat enough that Chris Jericho can't step over them, but as the also misused DDP says, that's not a bad thing. It's a good thing.
The WWF braintrust would like us to think that the little guys will never make it because they cannot work the WWF main event style or whatever they call it now. It used to be a methodical pace or something like that. But from where I sit, it seems to me that the WWF just doesn't want the little guys showing up all their broken down has beens. I mean, main event style? I punched my fat cat Trinka TODAY harder than the Undertaker has punched Stone Cold in YEARS. And to show you just how bad that really is, when I struck my obese princess on the cheek, she fell over and rolled onto her back playfully.
Jeff Hardy's singles push last year was cancelled after he couldn't keep up with HHH. Or something like that. Let's put him in the ring with the Game right now. Something tells me that it would be HHH that would be looking like the out of shape fool what with his new hobby of blowing up after five minutes and his extra cool moveset of five moves which he often repeats! Don't get me wrong though- I'm not knocking on HHH, cause I love the man like a father and realize that he still has to get that rust off, but the fact is that HHH is still headlining Wrestle Mania this year when everyone knows the match will FUCKING SUCK. I mean c'mon guys, when the hell was the last time Jericho CARRIED someone to a good match?
My point here is that if you want us to believe you are holding these guys back because of their workrate, don't be complete asses about it. Tell us straight out- Jeff Hardy has the charisma of JR's pubic hair, and thus would never draw as the WWF Champion. I'll take that over "He can't work the main event style." So if all these little guys, or most of these little guys, can work the mic about as well as they can jack off, why don't we use them in a way that they can MAKE MONEY? I mean, they work better than ANYONE on the FUCKING ROSTER barring The Rock who seems to believe he is a luchadore at times as it is. So why not take your shiny little belt marked Crusierweight and the other one marked Light Heavyweight and doing something with them?
And don't anybody fucking say "They will after Mania. They will when the roster splits." Because I believe that bullshit about as far as I can throw Kane, and once again- that man is so buldging with fat that Jericho couldn't even step over him for the Walls of Jericho. So here's what I propose:
1) Kill X-Pac and take the LH belt off his corpse. His appeal is dead since RVD and Tajiri have both shown that anybody with any talent what so ever can do his stupid little kicks, so he is totally useless now.
2) Put Tajiri in the ring with Kidman, and if you tell me he is hurt JR, I will hunt you down and slaughter you, because I know he worked tonight in Japan, so there. Have Kidman vs. Tajiri for the unification of the Cruiserweight and LH Titles, creating a new Welterweight Championship that has yet to be tainted by the now dead X-Pac. What? Didn't think I meant they should really kill him? Cause I DID!
3) I figure put the new Welterweight Title on Tajiri, because well, he is the best little guy in the world, and probably better than anyone else in the world period aside from Lance Storm and Kurt Angle, my North American Heros. I guess that makes Tajiri my Japanese Hero. Cool. I now have an Intercontinental Trio of Heros. And I'll be damned if one of them *cough* Lance *cough* doesn't deserve the Intercontinental strap.
4) Put Tajiri over ever other little guy you have in the openers of RAW, SMACKDOWN, and HEAT until the division gets over. And I don't mean in little 5 minute POS specials. I mean 10-15 minutes, if not 20 minutes sometimes. I mean really- the opening promo tradition is dead, especially with Mr. Movie Star The Rock always gone.
5) Sign Rey Mysterio Jr. If you don't, I'll kill you. All of you. Sign him, have him debut one RAW by interfering in Tajiri's defense, and then begin putting him over the other little guys. Have Rey and Tajiri meet sometime in the KOTR and have a 30 minute classic, and let them go at every PPV in between for the title until Summer Slam. Then give them a big match like a 2 out of 3 Falls or a Ladder Match or something great. That's when Rey gets the belt and runs with it until Mania 2003, when he can lose it to the next big little guy, like this Lowki guy I keep hearing about. OR MARTIN FUCKING STYLES if he isn't really retired. OR IRON FUCKING EAGLE.
It's as simple as that. Just get a Little Guy Belt on Tajiri and let him run with it until you sign Rey or Juvy or some other fresh little guy, and let them wage war until RAW and SMACKDOWN start pullin 5.0's-7.0's in the ratings. It'll work. Just make sure to keep the belt the center of the feuds so it actually means something, though in the WWF, that is a novel concept. And speaking of one belt that is meaningless and deserves MUCH MORE...
THE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE
I can only pray that they do the right thing and give it to RVD at Mania. And then let him run with it, breezing past challengers, until Summer Slam, where he can go against HHH in a Double Title Match and finally grab the WWF Title. Also, he can job in the finals of the KOTR to Lance Storm or DDP, and put them over HUGE by doing so. But this subject is for another time.
I'm out.
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