Send me a messagewhat i write here are my comments and issues that i have with life in general. please dont write me telling me that i suck or that i need god in my life. what i write here, is a way for me to blow off steam and if you dont like it, get the frig off my page! ever since i was little, i realized that i was different. i didnt realize how different i was until my teens when i found out i was gay. do any of you realize how hard it is to be gay in this world? its depressing, lonely and sadening. why? you'll never have children of your own and if you do its from a bad marriage. as i sit here writting this i feel depressed to the point of wanting to leave this world. but i tell myself that if i did where would my soul go? heaven? hell? or limbo. i would miss my cat and he would miss me so i sit here and write these words to help me through this depression. why am i depressed? Hmmmm.. good question. i quit my job because i was being poisoned by the chemicals being used. i should have stayed, at least i would have money coming in right now. as it stands no one gives a shit about me, and know one cares how i feel. so i sit here and write this. i have no money, i am constantly in pain with my leg and some other parts of my body. i am one step from being evicted from my only home that i truely love living in. so far i have been unemployed for 3 months with no job prospects to even speak of! no one wants to hire a fag or a disabled person. and i cant collect unemployment i got denied because i quit my job, my teeth are so bad that i need 7 of them to be pulled and cant afford it! THANKS MR BUSH FOR THAT WONDERFUL HEALTH PLAN!!!!
I am having to sell my belongings to keep a roof over my head or beg friends for money. i am sick and tired of life. i feel sick to my stomach everytime i have to ask for a handout. i am a person that trys to be independant and survive. but as it stands i am failing as a human being. I am still not over the death of my grandmother who died of cancer in 2001 right after that my lover of 7 years left me for an older man that had more money than me. he stole most of my belongings and then tells me to go F myself when i try to get my stuff back. i am tired of fighting. I do miss him somedays.. and others i dont. I'm trying to get on disability for my knee. ever since i was hit by a car in '84 my life has been shitty. I owe everyone money. i cant get ahead. it seems everytime i take a step forward i end up taking 2 steps back. Your going to notice that i skip around alot of subjects, so bear with me. I do have to say one thing, this gay marriage thing is over rated, yes i do agree that gays should be able to marry. but why are church and state getting involved?? thats my question. doesn't it say somewhere in the constitution that church and state are seperate and no two should be combined? as for the president.. god only knows what the hell is going through his friggin head.. He promised new jobs and do we see them? HELL NO! we have People from other countries coming to the USA and taking our jobs. they cant even speak english!!! that really pisses me off to no end!! if your going to come to this country at least learn the language!
dont even get me started on latino's! everwhere i go you see people from either cuba,mexico,or portorico taking our jobs away from us. why? because they will work for less money, send it home and then call us english speaking people assholes just becuase we dont speak thier language! ummm.. excuse me?! but your in the USA!!!!! speak the english language and then call us what you want in english that way we can defend ourselves!
I say to the president of the USA, close the friggin borders and send everyone back home to thier country and fix it themselves! I once tried to get on Masshealth i got denied because i wasnt pregnant or had 16 children to feed! as it stands I dont even know how i am going to put food on my table. i goto churches sometimes and beg for food or ask a friend to either loan me money or i beg them for some cash... I'm not a drug addict, nor a boozer. just a plain gay male trying to make it in the frigged up world! i have some skills to do work. but i dont even get a call back for an interview or when i do get a call back, i dont get hired either because i'm not thin or i am over qualified.. over qualified??!! its just another way of saying your a job hopper and we dont want to take the risk of training you and then you up and quit on us. if i like a job i will stay with it, but if i dont like a job then hell ya! i will leave or get myself fired so i can collect. i once got trapped in an elevator for 2 hours i contemplated that the elevator would drop down the shaft and i would die from the fall. it didn't. again my calmness took over and i said that i would be out of that bad situation. i must be some sort of freak. your sitting here and reading this and probally wondering what the hell is this guy writing about. shit, if you have made it this far and not closed the page then i congradulate you for reading all this..
My car is starting to act up and i reailize that i am going to have to get another one very soon. but with what money? most of my family is either dead or doesnt want to have nothing to do with me cause i am a fag. the ones that do bother with me are also poor. i mean my aunt does try to help ever so often, but she is also limited. and i do love her dearly. my other aunt is a bible thumper, she is a nut case and i cant stand her. she said once that she was jealous of me.. WHY? maybe its becuase i dont take any crap from anyone? or becuase i tell it like it is? who knows. i am now 38 years old and keep wondering where my life is going. was i born to be poor all my life? struggeling for survival? I just dont know anymore.. i have almost given up on life itself. somedays i wish i was in a coma so i wouldnt have to face life itself. on the outside i am this happy person, inside i am crying out for help and no one is listening to me. oh, i have tried to go for help for my depression, but all i get is, "ahuh and tell me more, what made you come to that conclusion?" or why do you hate your birth parents?" if i wanted to analize, i could do it from home.. i want someone to say to me, well, J, here is what you have to do and i will hold your hand and help you through these tough times. that way you can heal. and get on with your life. dont get me wrong, i am a very smart person, but somedays i act really stupid!! there have been times i have done things in my life that i regret and wished i never had done. i still have the memories and i want to forget but its like a life flashback on the stupid or embarassing shit that i have done. I dont want to remember those things but somedays it comes to me without thought and i get a panic attack! i sometimes think that i am a hypocondriact. i dont know why.....
well, i have said enough for today. there will be more pages to come of what i feel.
if you want to donate some money to keep me going then you can email me here. if your going to gay bash me dont bother to write. and for goodness sake dont tell me god is going to save me. i have heard all the crap i need to hear. and thats one of the things that i dont need to hear right now!