Disclaimer: The characters and
situations of the TV program Big Valley are the creations of Four Star/Republic
Pictures and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is
intended by the authors. The ideas expressed in this story are copywrited by
the author.
You Know How I Feel-by
Buckaroo
Have you
ever had one of those days
The day
drags on and on
And you
think there's no end
Then you
know how I feel
~Bryan
White
He’d been up well before the dawn, working away the anger and frustration. How could he make them understand. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t told them. Was their lifestyle so engrained in them that they couldn’t even imagine such conditions actually existed. His thoughts continued to drift to those hopeless days when food was meager, punishment was commonplace and life was so close to the edge that sometimes it didn’t seem worth effort. Something even he hated to admit. There were times when it would have been easy to give up, to just let go of the tenuous hold on life and free himself from the pain.
He awoke every morning hoping when he opened his eyes that it would all be a dream, but that never happened. His days were a living nightmare with no escape. Some days he could pass unnoticed, others brought the wrath of the guards no matter how hard he tried to be invisible. The days were endless. The hot sun beat down, heating the foulness and filling the air with an unbearable stench. The food when they got it was slimy, maggoty and hardly worth eating. Usually sickness followed the disgusting fare, but it was the only thing keeping them alive, if their existence could be considered living. Days were spent simply keeping away from the guards, scurrying from one safe place to the next. With little food, their bodies wasted away and in time, moving was kept to a minimum, not because they didn’t want to but because it was simply too much effort.
When he described the
horrors at Matt Bentell’s hand they’d had the audacity to tell him they knew
how he felt but it was time to cast aside his hatred. They knew how he felt...they had no idea.
Have you
ever had one of those nights
When you
just lie awake
Starin'
at the ceiling
Why was he still here? He could have easily walked away. Ignored their demands and left without a word. His feelings were never considered, Why was he so concerned about how his leaving would affect theirs? Family... they had told him it meant so much. That family would always be there. He wasn’t feeling so good about a family that could take his experiences and make them so meaningless, insisting that hatred was not the way. Hatred had kept him alive. Hatred had kept him going. Hatred was all he could feel for a man like Matt Bentell. If they thought it was something he could just forget then they knew so little about either himself or the man they were supporting. Now he was being forced to work with the man. He’d tried arguing his case, but it was all for naught. Their way was right and his was wrong and that more than anything ate away at him. Were his feelings so insignificant that they could ignore the agony and torment their demands were causing.
That night was a long one. Every time he drifted
off, the past would rush in and startle him from sleep and each time the images
grew more tangible. Afraid he would
eventually wake the rest of the house, he lay staring at the ceiling wishing
he’d never stepped foot on Barkley land.
If they thought for a moment that he could forgive Bentell then they
would be sorely disappointed. Some things
could never be forgotten, nor forgiven.
They knew how he felt...they
had no idea.
If you've
heard goodbye
And
something inside just won't heal
If a
memory won't set you free
And you
know that it never will
Morning couldn’t come soon
enough for Heath and as the sky began to lighten he was already saddled up and
ready to ride. This was it. He was
leaving it behind. He could no longer live a life so dictated by others that
had no regard for his past. It was
impossible to forget the pain that never healed or the memories that still held
him prisoner at night. And yet that is
what they were asking him to do. It was nightfall by the time he cleared
Barkley land and he made camp in the twilight of evening.
Gathering wood for a fire he felt
the strangeness of the metal beneath his foot first and knew in that brief
instant that he’d taken a bad step. In
the time it took to realize his error, the metal claws of the steel trap had slammed
down on his leg, immobilizing him in its grip. Dropping to the ground, he stared in horror at the steel teeth
that were imbedded above his ankle and he could already feel the blood as it
pooled in the bottom of his boot. His
hands shook as he tried to free himself, but the trap held on tightly and he
finally slumped back to the ground, trembling from shock and pain. His face pale and his teeth clenched tight in
agony, he tried to sit up. His leg shifted in the trap and darkness swallowed
up his pain.
Time was meaningless, but as
he drifted in and out of consciousness one thing remained constant... Family.
Despite all he’d suffered, he could think of nothing else and he
wondered if they’d even missed him yet.
Would they even come looking? Would they even care? He’d left an angry
letter, letting them know that he couldn’t do as they asked and it was better
for all if he just went away. He couldn’t put aside his hatred even for them.
They had finally asked for more than he could give and rather than face their disappointment,
he’d chosen to leave. No, they wouldn’t
be coming after him. This was their best
chance at being rid of him. Why not
take the golden opportunity presented and erase their father’s blemish from
their lives forever.
The next time he woke, Heath
was surprised to find himself back in his room and unaware of how he’d even
gotten there. As he stirred on the bed,
he turned to find Nick looking rather worn and staring at him worriedly. “Hey.
You decided to wake up.”
His throat dry and scratchy
Heath mumbled hoarsely, “Thirsty.” Getting
him something to drink, Nick helped him lie back down and he asked tiredly, “How
long?”
“You been out for three
days. You was running a heck of a fever
and had lost a lot of blood by the time I found ya.”
“Why’d ya come lookin’ for
me?” asked Heath with heavily lidded eyes.
Surprised at first, Nick
answered softly, “We were wrong, Heath.” Looking down guiltily as he continued,
his voice wavered as he spoke, “When I read yer letter and you said you were
leaving, nothing else mattered. You’re
a part of this family, Heath. You’ve become a part of us. I had to get you back or it would have torn
us apart. We should’ve listened. Should’ve understood.”
Heath opened his blue eyes
and spoke quietly, “I can’t forgive him Nick. I won’t. I know you don’t
understand that, but that’s the way it is.”
Nick shook his head, “Bentell
is gone. Jarrod fired him right after you left. We didn’t understand, little
brother, but we want to. You say we
shoulda listened to ya. You’re right we shoulda, but you need to help us out a
little. You keep it all locked up so
tight that none of us know what’s going on inside you. Maybe if you trusted us
with your past we could have been a little more understanding about how you
felt.” Seeing Heath shut down again, Nick persisted, “I ain’t blamin’ ya, but
you need to realize that we can’t read yer mind. You got just as much right to an opinion as any of the rest of
us. Instead of just stormin’ outta here you coulda said somethin’.”
“It ain’t that easy, Nick,”
sighed Heath sadly.
“Never said it was easy. Someday yer gonna have to trust us enough to
know that family is there for you no matter what, even when we disagree on
somethin.”
Heath shook his head, “You
can’t know what it feels like.”
Grasping the back of Heath’s
neck, Nick gave him a gentle squeeze, “No I can’t, but if you give me a chance,
I’ll try.”
Gripping the arm that held
him, Heath looked Nick in the eye and managed a small smile. As his eyes drifted shut, Nick could make
out a barely discernable nod and he smiled with relief, knowing they’d all been
given a second chance.