Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program Big Valley are the creations of Four Star/Republic Pictures and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended by the authors. The ideas expressed in this story are copywrited by the author.

This story contains graphic material unsuitable for minors!

When Demons Return-by Buckaroo

Part 21

Getting them out proved to be more difficult and time consuming than they thought. At one point, the beam that had held Ruth for so long suddenly gave way, bringing that side of the pile down in a billowing cloud of dust.  Heath reacted instantly and wrapping his arms around both Jarrod and Ruth, threw them to the ground and covered them with his own body.  The little cubbyhole that held the three withstood the crashing debris but Heath’s wrestling jarred the wooden shard in Jarrod’s leg and with a sharp cry of pain he passed out.   The dust was so thick that both Heath and Ruth coughed to clear their lungs as it settled all around them.  Jarrod remained oblivious to it all in his unconscious state and Heath anxiously looked him over to find out the extent of his injuries.  When his hand brushed up against the piece of wood, Jarrod moaned but didn’t waken. Heath gently tore away Jarrod’s pant leg and Ruth sat up with some difficulty to see what he’d found. Both stared in shock at the ghastly sight and Heath made a quick grab for Ruth as she started to sway.

“You need to lie down, Ruth. I’ll take care of this,” insisted Heath.

Ruth brushed him off, “You can’t remove it here.  You don’t know how bad he’s going to bleed.”  Looking up at the progress being made by the men, Ruth shook her head, “You don’t know how long we’re going to be stuck here.”   Heath nodded reluctantly. Sitting back, Ruth braced herself with a hand on the ground and her other one went to her back to rub the ache there. 

Heath noticed her grimace and asked worriedly, “What’s wrong?”

Shaking her head, Ruth tried to reassure him. “It’s nothing. I guess some of the feeling is finally coming back.” She tried to smile, but Heath could see her pain. 

“Hold on.” The space was so limited there was no room to maneuver for any of them and Heath ducked his head and scooted around Jarrod to get to her.  Easing behind her was difficult and he banged his head several times before he finally sat down and pulled her to his chest.  “Is this better?”

“Um.” The effort of sitting up was evident and she let herself relax, allowing Heath to support her.  Jarrod lay beside them, and Heath placed a hand on his chest, comforted by his even breathing. There was nothing any of them could do in the small confined space but wait for Nick to clear a path.

Ruth awakened some time later, not having realized she’d fallen asleep, and found Heath standing above her.  Her eyes widened at the now clear space to where Nick was standing on the floor above them.  Nick hollered to Heath as he threw down a rope, “Tie that around ‘em and we’ll haul ‘em up. Climb up with ‘em to steady ‘em.”

“Alright Nick, hold on.” Heath dropped on one knee in front of Ruth and helped her sit up. “You’re first.” He wrapped the rope under her arms and tied it in a loop, then asked, “You ready?”

Ruth nodded and Heath called out to Nick, “Ready down here. Take it slow, Nick.”  Heath wrapped his arm around Ruth as Nick slowly began lifting her off  the floor.  Ruth paled and pursed her lips in pain as the rope tightened around her.   As it pulled her upward, she winced when her ribs and chest gave a sharp, painful reminder of the countless hours she'd spent wedged to the beam.  Heath yelled to Nick as he quickly picked her up in his arms and held her aloft. “Hold up, Nick!”

Nick slackened the rope and leaned over the gapping hole in the floor. “What’s wrong?”

Heath shook his head at Nick, “We can’t get her up this way. It’s hurtin’ her too much.”

“Well tie the rope around you and we’ll pull while you bring her up.”

“That’s too much weight, Nick.”

Nick’s determination came out clearly in his voice, “You just hold on to her and we’ll get you out of there.”

Heath just shook his head, then gently set Ruth down as he took the rope and retied it around his own chest.  Ruth tried to dissuade him, “I can make it. I just wasn’t ready. Please, let me try again.”

Picking her up in his arms, Heath flashed her a lop-sided grin, “You just relax and enjoy the ride.”

Looking up, he cast a worried glance at his brother, “Alright Nick, keep the rope tight and I’ll climb up.”  Heath was dubious about the whole thing.  He stepped up the pile making sure his foothold was secure before finding another.  Nick patiently held the rope steady, using it to counterbalance Heath’s upper body.  It was a hard climb and Heath was breathing heavy by the time several hands were able to reach over the ledge and pull Ruth from his arms.  Nick reached out a hand and helped him the final distance and Heath nodded his thanks when Nick handed him the canteen.  The men had Ruth settled into one of the parlor chairs they’d managed to salvage from the wreckage.  It was already close to nightfall and they were running out of daylight.  Nick patted Heath on the shoulder, “You stay up here. I’ll get Jarrod out.  I got us a wagon ready to go once we get him out.”  Turning to one of the men that had labored beside him all day he added, “Paul, see if ya can’t find some lanterns around here we can light up.  It’s gonna be gettin' dark soon.”

“Sure thing, Nick.” He and two others began searching the house for the requested lanterns.  

Nick turned back to Heath and asked with concern, “How’s Jarrod?”

Heath shrugged, “Don’t rightly know. He passed out so he couldn’t tell me much. He’s hurtin’, I know that. He’s got a piece a wood stickin’ out his leg so be real careful when ya move him.”

“Well why didn’t ya take it out?” growled Nick.

Lowering his voice, Heath grabbed Nick and let go a frustrated sigh, “It’s all the way through his leg, Nick. I was afraid he’d start bleedin’ ‘fore we could get him some help.”

Nick suddenly felt bad for his outburst and gave Heath a solemn nod. “I’ll go down. You stay up here.”

Jarrod had awakened and forgetting for a moment where he was, moved to sit up.  The pain was the first thing he was aware of but with it came an inexplicable anxiety.  He heard voices, but they seemed disjointed and distant and he tried to control the rising panic.  His eyes darted everywhere, trying to find some reason for his discomfort but nothing came to him.  All he knew was that he was suddenly very uncomfortable and he wanted free of it.   Sweat beaded on his forehead and seeped into the gash there, the stinging salt bringing tears to his eyes.   As hard as he tried he couldn’t dispel the overwhelming anxiety associated with being where he was.  His only solution was to get out and seeing the way to the surface clear of any obstructions, gathered his resolve and scooted towards freedom.   His leg was impeding his progress, but his determination overruled his pain and he gingerly got to his feet.  Jarrod’s balance was seriously undermined by his leg, the loss of blood, and his exhaustion, that and the growing ache in his back from standing.  Unaware of anything but the panic that filled him, he was startled by the arm that wrapped around his waist as he swayed dizzily.

“Whoa there, big brother,” said Nick, who was now holding Jarrod in a firm grasp.

Jarrod struggled to free himself from Nick’s hold, desperate to climb out of his prison.  His eyes pleaded with his brother, “I gotta get out Nick.”  He clawed upward but was again stopped by Nick.

“Jarrod, settle down. I’m gonna help ya, alright. Just hold on.”

The sweat poured off of Jarrod as he shook his head almost frantically, “You don’t understand.”  He shrugged from Nick’s grasp and tried to climb again, but his injuries were taking their toll and he faltered, desperately sucking in air.

Nick firmly took a hold of Jarrod’s arm despite his protests and draped it over his shoulders. He was worried for his brother, but he could see the growing fear in Jarrod’s eyes and he spoke to him softly, “Calm down Jarrod. I’m gonna help you out, alright. We’ll have you outta here in a minute.” 

“Please, Nick.”  Jarrod gasped for air as he spoke, “Can’t stay here.”  Nick nodded and began the struggle upward to get Jarrod away from his invisible demons.  Jarrod calmed with each step away from the darkness and he leaned into Nick more and more.

 As they neared the top Jarrod was hanging limply onto Nick, who had to beckon Heath for help, “Heath, gimme a hand.”  Heath stepped down into the hole and reached out to take some of Jarrod’s weight from Nick.  Grabbing Jarrod’s other arm he pulled it over his own shoulder and he and Nick supported Jarrod’s weight between them.  The two men lifted their brother up out of the hole and Jarrod finally settled on the upper floor, too tired to go any farther. He lifted his head shyly to Nick, “Sorry.  I don’t know what happened.”

Nick knew, even if Jarrod didn’t and he quickly absolved his older brother, “Don’t worry ‘bout it, big brother. You’re safe now.”  It was hard for Nick to see Jarrod getting himself in such a state, but he didn’t want to make a big deal of it either.  For now it was better to just let it go and pretend it was nothing to worry about.  Nick worried enough for both of them and he wondered why the current situation had affected Jarrod so adversely.  Maybe it was the pain and the darkness or the helplessness he was feeling.  Whatever it was, getting out of that hole seemed to have eliminated Jarrod’s anxiety and he was calmly accepting water from Heath.   Nick glanced backward to see Ruth leaning heavily into the winged chair, fast asleep.  Taking a minute to catch his breath, he stood up and asked to speak to all the men that had toiled all day to help free Jarrod and Ruth.  He made sure to thank each man and paid them generously for the days work.  A couple of them stuck around long enough to help get Jarrod and Ruth into the wagon, who were so exhausted that even the pain of their injuries couldn’t keep them awake.

Heath drove the wagon with Nick beside him and the two men conversed in hushed tones as they traveled the streets of San Francisco.  Even in the darkness, there were still efforts underway to get to survivors and the streets were teaming with people, slowing their travel even more. As they neared the hospital hoping to get Jarrod and Ruth some help they both realized how futile it would be to hope for expedient care.  Heath made a quick decision and veering away from the hospital headed towards the hotel. 

“Where the devil are you going? The hospital is back that way?” Nick was pointing angrily back from where they’d come.

“What chance you figure we got of gettin’ them help in there?”

“Well what do you propose, cause right now I don’t see any other options?”  Nick was fuming and he just wanted Jarrod and Ruth seen by a doctor.

“Listen.  Jarrod’s car is here in San Francisco, right?”

Nick nodded as he snapped, “Yeah, so?”

“We have ‘em hook up his car, put them on board and take ‘em to Stockton so Doc Merar can see ‘em.  The way I see, that’ll be a lot faster than waitin’ around here hoping to see a doctor.”

Still not convinced, Nick argued, “It’s a two hour ride to Stockton.”

Heath huffed, “You figure you’re gonna find a doctor to see ‘em in two hours, Nick.  You saw the people back there.  I for one ain’t gonna sit around waitin’ when I know that Doc can see ‘em as soon as we get home.”

“What about Mother and the children?  You gonna just leave ‘em here?”

“I figure you can drop me off at the hotel. I’ll get them to the station while you take care of hooking up the car.  By the time I get there, we can load up Jarrod and Ruth and be ready to leave with the nine o’clock train.”

“Ya got it all figured out doncha?” Nick sneered indignantly for not thinking of it himself.

Heath shot him a self satisfied grin, “Yep.”  Handing Nick the reins, he added, “There’s the hotel.  I’ll meet ya at the train station as quick as I can.”

Nick nodded, “Be careful.  Hey, how ya gonna get to the station if I got the wagon?”

“It’s only a couple blocks, I’ll walk if I have ta.  You just take care of Jarrod and Ruth.”  Heath jumped off the wagon and with only a backward glance, hurried inside the hotel to retrieve Mother and the children.

Part 22

Heath had used the power of money to get them all a ride to the train station with only fifteen minutes to spare.  The children were sound asleep and were quickly settled before everyone’s attention turned to Jarrod and Ruth.

Both Ruth and Jarrod were now awake and they both sighed in relief when Heath brought the children on board.  As much as they wanted to hold them, it would probably only frighten the children if they saw their parents in their present state.  Both were filthy and Jarrod’s hands, face, and clothes were covered in dried blood.  Ruth’s back, legs and one arm were finally getting some feeling back and with it came pain.  Jarrod refused to release his hold on her even though he was dealing with his own painful injuries.  Only Nick was aware of Jarrod’s earlier incident and he was glad his brother seemed to take comfort in Ruth.  They were all surprised by Jarrod’s sudden turn around regarding Ruth, but no one commented on it.   That they seemed to have resolved some of their differences was all they needed to know.

When the train pulled out of San Francisco, Victoria took command of the situation, “Let’s get the two of you cleaned up. Nick, why don’t you get us some hot water and we can get started.” 

Ruth suddenly tensed in Jarrod’s arms and he pulled back enough to see the concern in her eyes, “What’s wrong?”  Looking up at her brother’s-in-law, Ruth blushed and Jarrod suddenly felt his own face heating up as he realized that he’d never seen his wife unclothed, well not that he could recall anyway.  He stammered out a request to ease her mind,  “Heath, why don’t you carry Ruth to the other end of the car so she and Mother can have some privacy.”

Heath gave her a teasing smile, “Seems I’m nothin’ but Ruth’s pack mule.  Well come on then.” He reached out and took her in his arms, using the utmost care not to aggravate her injuries.  He settled her at the far end of the car and Victoria followed while Nick made sure there was hot water and soap for both patients. 

Victoria was shocked at the bruising she found under the dirt and grime and Ruth paled as she tenderly probed her ribs.  Her biggest concern was the large bruise and swelling on Ruth’s back.  “Ruth, how is your back doing? Heath said you had lost the feeling in your legs?”

Ruth lay on her stomach letting her mother-in-law work, trying to hide her embarrassment, “The feeling is coming back, trust me.”  Her laugh was less than convincing and Victoria finished up then wrapped Ruth in a blanket. 

“I can see that you’re hurting.  Why don’t you try and rest and I’ll see what I can do about finding you something to wear.”  Ruth nodded and carefully pulled the blanket around her as she watched Nick and Heath work on Jarrod.

Jarrod was relying on Nick to hold him up while Heath stripped away his clothes.  Heath left the bandage on Jarrod’s forehead not wanting to reopen the wound by pulling away the dried wrapping.  Instead he cleaned Jarrod’s face of the blood and dirt then worked his way down his chest and arms.  He was covered in a multitude of bruises and small cuts. His hands especially were raw from scrambling through the wreckage and Heath insisted on applying ointment and wrapping his palms with a light bandage.  Removing Jarrod’s pants proved impossible and Heath finally resorted to just cutting them away, much to his brother’s displeasure.  Nick leaned Jarrod into the back of the couch and went in search of some clean clothes.  Rummaging through the bags he found a pair of pants and shirt that would fit, though not as good as Jarrod’s own.  Shrugging, Nick returned just as Heath finished cleaning Jarrod up and was drying his injured leg.  Heath ignored Jarrod’s pleas to pull the wood out, insisting they wait and let the doctor do it.

Jarrod’s hands were clenched tightly to the settee as he glanced down at himself.  The bruising and pain all had a familiarity to it, but he was unable to call up the memory.  With no warning, he felt the same anxiety of earlier and his body began to tremble. As the shaking continued, Jarrod’s head shot up and he looked to his brothers for help.  He couldn’t stop the tremors and his eyes widened at the unknown fear and anxiety that coursed through him.  Nick dropped anxiously to his knees beside Jarrod, “What’s wrong?”

Grabbing Nick’s arm in a painful grip, Jarrod’s voice was desperate, “I don’t know!”  Jarrod buried his head in Nick’s shoulder and continued to shake as his breathing turned to gasps. Nick covered him with a blanket but nothing would stop the trembling.  Heath and Victoria watched Jarrod struggling and finally Ruth beckoned Heath from her vantage point at the end of the car.  As he approached, Ruth pulled the blanket around her waist, thankful for the shirt that her mother-in-law had found to cover at least some of herself.  Her eyes pleaded as she found her voice, “Take me to him Heath. Please!”

Heath gathered her in his arms once more and took her to Jarrod.  Nick moved aside and Ruth took a seat at Jarrod’s back.  He startled at her closeness but slowly began to relax when her hand draped his chest and she uttered reassurances only he could hear.  Her presence had a dramatic affect and Jarrod’s fears seem to melt away leaving him embarrassed by his scant coverings.  Ruth tried to remove the hand that only seconds earlier was caressing his chest when Jarrod made a frantic grab to stop her.  His hand clasped hers firmly to his chest and he whispered, “Don’t go.”

He pulled the blanket closer and covered what he could, then leaned sideways into the back of the couch taking Ruth with him as she sat behind him.  Leaning into the couch herself, she rested her head against his as his fingers meshed with hers and a sigh of contentment escaped him.   The three pairs of eyes that watched the whole exchange were misted over at the sight before them and they drifted to the far end of the car giving Jarrod and Ruth some privacy.   They were both cleaned up and even though they were still dealing with their pain, there was little to be done.   Victoria resisted the urge to mother them, instead she checked on the children and ended up watching them sleep the rest of the way into Stockton.

*************

As soon as they arrived in Stockton, Heath went for the doctor.  Fortunately, he was home, albeit sleeping and Heath dragged him back to the railcar.  Nick had them unhook it from the train and found someone to send a message to the ranch, informing them they had returned. 

Doc Merar entered and found Jarrod and Ruth rearranging themselves.  He waved them off, “Just relax for now.  Let me get a look at you both.” He smiled at Victoria, “Evening Victoria.”

“Howard.” Victoria hovered over the pair while the doctor worked.

“Well let’s take a look, shall we.”  He reached out to check Jarrod’s head wound but Jarrod stopped him.

“Look at Ruth first. I can wait.”

Howard shook his head, “You let me be the judge of that.” Both Ruth and Jarrod looked to be in pain, but Jarrod’s sweating was a clear indication of the pain he was in, despite his efforts to hide it.

He tried again to help Jarrod, but the blue eyed lawyer remained adamant.  “I said to look at Ruth first. I’m going to take longer Howard.”  To prove his point, Jarrod gingerly lifted the blanket to show the doctor his leg.

With a raised eyebrow, Doctor Merar nodded reluctantly, “Alright Jarrod, you win, but I want you to take something for the pain.  Give it some time to work before I look at you.”

Jarrod closed his eyes as he nodded, it would be nice to have some relief from the throbbing agony in his leg.  He took the offered medicine but kept his back to Ruth as Howard looked her over and asked questions.

“Can you tell me what happened?”

“We were trapped under Jarrod’s townhouse.”

As Howard prodded her back, Ruth stiffened with a small gasp of pain. “How did you get this?”  Jarrod turned just enough to take her hand, but kept his eyes away from her.  The sight of her bare legs was conjuring images in his head and he was thankful the medicine was dulling his senses.

Ruth spoke with a ragged breath, “I was laying on a big beam, and the rest of the house was laying on my back.” She was trying to make light of the situation but Howard wasn’t falling for it. Ruth sighed and continued, “Something was putting pressure on my back and legs. If I moved at all it hurt. After awhile I just kind of went numb until the aftershock.  Everything shifted and the numbness got worse.”  Jarrod squeezed her hand as her voice faltered.

“And now, Ruth?” asked Doctor Merar.

“My legs won’t stop tingling and it hurts bad in my lower back.” Ruth’s voice broke and tears fell as she lost the struggle with the pain and fear.  Tears turned to sobs and Jarrod, as groggy as he was, could take no more and turned to take her in his arms.  Ruth buried her head in his chest and cried, “I’m sorry. It just hurts.”

Jarrod reached a hand up and stroked her hair, “Shh...I know it hurts. You don’t have to be so tough all the time.”

Ruth chuckled through her tears, “That’s calling the kettle black isn’t it?”

Leaning down, Jarrod kissed the top of her head and spoke drunkenly, “I’m not feeling much of anything right now.”

Pulling away to look up at him, she smiled at the almost serene look on his face. “I think it’s time for the doctor to take care of you.”

Jarrod smiled and leaned back. With his arms still firmly around Ruth, she had no choice but to settle into his chest and he sighed as his eyes closed.  The doctor just shook his head and tried to work around it.  Even with the laudanum dampening the pain, Howard knew Jarrod was going to feel him pulling the wooden splinter from his leg.

“Alright Jarrod, I’m going to work on your leg.” Jarrod was suddenly more alert as Howard positioned his leg so he could see it more clearly. 

“How long has it been in there?”

Jarrod shrugged, “Last night or this morning.”  Howard frowned and Jarrod explained, “It was dark Howard. There was no way to tell what time it was.” He eyed the physician nervously, “Why?”

“The tissue is pretty swollen around it.” Looking Jarrod in the eye he spoke with genuine empathy, “This is going to hurt, Jarrod.”

“It already hurts, just get it out!”

Howard looked at Ruth, “Let’s move you young lady so he can lie down.”

This time it was Nick that stepped forward to help her off the couch, but he set her in a nearby chair so she could still be close.  Howard gave both Nick and Heath a pointed look. “You boys may have to hold him down.”  They both nodded reluctantly and Howard retrieved a few things from his bag before leaning closer to Jarrod’s leg.  Nick positioned himself at Jarrod’s shoulders and Heath stood at the end of the couch, ready to hold his brother’s legs when necessary.   Victoria stood next to Ruth and gently dropped a hand onto her shoulder as they watched Howard work.

Giving them all one final look, Howard turned his attention to the wood splinter.  It penetrated the fleshy muscle of his calf and was as big around as a man’s finger.  Blood oozed from both the entry and exit wound and the skin around it was red with early infection.  With a deep cleansing breath, Howard took a firm hold of the splinter with a pair of pliers and began easing it out.  Every muscle in Jarrod’s body tensed in agony, but he remained still as Howard worked the wood out of his leg.  Nick knelt down and draped his arm across Jarrod’s chest and found himself staring into the pain glazed eyes of his older brother.  He blanched under Jarrod’s gaze and he was transported back in time to when he seen the same look as he watched his brother take beating after beating and remain silent.  The effort required to keep silent stared back at him now and Nick shuddered at the intensity in Jarrod’s blue eyes, now dark with pain.  Nick’s eyes never shifted from Jarrod’s gaze and he lent him his strength just as he had in times past, times that Jarrod didn’t remember but was reacting to on some level.  Instead of crying out, he bit his lip and shook with the pain that assaulted him as Doctor Merar struggled to get the wood out of his leg.

Nick’s anguish at Jarrod’s stubbornness reflected in his voice, “Damn it Jarrod, you don’t have to stay quiet.” Jarrod only stared back, his eyes didn’t even blink as he fought against the pain.  Nick took Jarrod’s hand in his and said softly, “Hold on, big brother. He’s almost done.”  Jarrod blinked and Nick squeezed tightly the hand in his.  Nick felt Jarrod’s grip getting tighter and tighter, and he glanced at Howard who was straining to free the wood.  Jarrod’s breathing was loud and harsh in the silent car and they all heard his sharp intake of air as the shard came free.  The pain crashed over him, and he slipped into the comfortable darkness much to everyone’s relief. 

Sitting silently as he held his brother’s limp hand in his, Nick’s demons were tormenting him. As the doctor finished packing and bandaging Jarrod’s leg and then his head, Nick refused to budge.  It was his job to watch over Jarrod and he would relinquish that duty to no one.  The two men had started down this path so many months ago, and Nick was determined to be there when they emerged in the end, no matter how long it took.

Part 23

Doctor Merar insisted on keeping Jarrod and Ruth in town overnight.  Victoria tried getting Nick and Heath to go to the hotel to sleep, but they were worried about leaving her by herself.  Jarrod was beginning to run a fever and there was no telling how he’d react when he woke up hurting.   None of them could forget the last time he’d been through so much only to have it come out in his fevered delirium.

J.T. was the first one awake and he very quietly tiptoed past the sleeping adults to get to his father’s side.  He dropped to his knees and laid his head on the couch at Jarrod’s side, watching him sleep.  Jarrod moved restlessly, his fever already rising and J.T.’s small hands took a hold of his father’s larger one.   J.T.’s presence woke Jarrod and he squeezed the boys hands as he turned and found the big blue eyes staring at him. 

J.T. reached out and very gently touched the bandage on Jarrod’s head. “Did the bad man find you, Papa?”

“No son. I got stuck in the earthquake. Me and your Mama.”

“But the bad man was there.”

Jarrod rose up and leaned on his elbow as he questioned J.T., “Where?”

J.T. looked around nervously, making sure the others were still asleep and he whispered, “At your house, Papa. He grabbed me and made us all go to the hotel with him.”  Tears gathered in J.T.’s eyes, “I tried ta get away Papa, but I couldn’t leave Emily and Jake with him.  That woulda been wrong, wouldn’t it?”

Grabbing J.T.’s neck in a gentle clasp, Jarrod pulled his son to his chest, “You did fine, son.  Nick and Heath would never have found us if you hadn’t sent word.”

“I didn’t send no telegram, Papa.   That man wouldn’t let us leave the room.  Said we had to stay there or else. He had one of them hotel ladies stay with us.  He said he had some important business ta take care of.”

“Well I’m sure someone at the hotel got word out.”  Jarrod lifted J.T.’s chin, “What’s important is we are all back together, right?”

J.T. sniffled and nodded his head, “How come yer so hot, Papa? When I’m hot, Mama wipes my face with a nice cool rag. You want me ta do that for ya Papa?”

Jarrod lay back into the couch and sighed, “That would be nice, son.”  J.T. rinsed out the rag that lay on the table nearby and carefully folded it up just like he seen his Mama doing.   He took his new job seriously and Jarrod had to admit that the coolness felt good next to his heated skin.  Hot and sweaty, he shivered uncontrollably and his eyes burned with the fever that coursed through him.  His leg hurt and a quick glance downward confirmed his suspicions.  Howard did his best to clean it out, but the dirty wood had rested too long in his leg and infection had set in.  The doctor only packed the wound, not wanting to trap the infection inside his calf, and Jarrod was glad he’d passed out for that particular procedure.  Even now the wound throbbed in time with his heartbeat and every movement send a new wave of pain up his leg. 

The others eventually woke and Ruth found she could stand this morning, albeit painfully.  Doc Merar showed up to check his patients and suggested they make the trip to the ranch before Jarrod’s fever got any worse.   He told Ruth that it was important she rest her back and give it time to heal.  Within the hour they were headed home and looking forward to some much needed rest.   It was not to be as Jarrod’s fever started to rise within hours of returning home.  By evening, they resorted to shifts as they worked at cooling him down. 

Delirious, Jarrod lay on the bed thrashing at the heat that burned him.  He just wanted it to end and he knew he wasn’t allowed to cry out.  If Nick weren’t there he could, but he had to remain silent for his sake. He had to make Nick understand that he couldn’t stay. If he stayed it would be worse for both of them.   He didn’t understand why, but he knew if Nick was gone he wouldn’t have to maintain the silence, he could cry out to make it stop if he were gone. 

As Nick sat at Jarrod’s bedside cooling him with a damp towel, Jarrod’s eyes opened and his voice was hoarse as he drew his brother’s attention, “Nick?”

Leaning closer to catch Jarrod’s whispered words, Nick asked softly, “Yeah, I’m right here big brother.”

Jarrod reached up and weakly took a hold of Nick’s shirt, “Have to go.  It’ll be worse if you stay.”

Nick paled at Jarrod’s words, and he gently clasped the hand that held his shirt.  Pulling it away he held it between his trembling hands, and his voice wavered. “It’s okay Jarrod.  It’s the fever talking. No one can hurt me here.”

Jerking from Nick’s grasp, Jarrod sat up and shook his head urgently, “You don’t understand.  I can’t make it stop if you’re here.” Tears streaked his flushed face as he pleaded with Nick, “With you here, it’ll go on forever. I can’t tell it to stop, Nick.”  He slumped back on the bed, and curled up around himself, muttering weakly, “Need it to stop...no more...no more...” 

Sitting numbly as Jarrod fell into a restless sleep, Nick blinked back tears of guilt and hurt.  It struck him hard to hear Jarrod’s delirious pleas for him to leave.  He blamed himself for not listening to Jarrod, but even knowing what he did now, he still didn’t think he could have just left his brother to face Keller alone.  A strong hand dropped onto his shoulder and squeezed it gently, “It wouldn’t have mattered Nick.  Keller woulda found another way.”

Nick pushed Heath’s hand off his shoulder and glared at him, “You don’t know that.  Every time they wanted his cooperation, they threatened me and he’d give up all the fight just so I wouldn’t be hurt.”  Getting up from the bed, Nick walked to the window and looked out over the garden.

Heath sat down and took over cooling Jarrod down. “If it wasn’t you Nick it would have been someone else, like J.T. or me.”

“You both were safely away, there would have been no one left for Keller to use if I’d listened to Jarrod. I could have gone back to help him.”

“Yer wrong Nick.”  Heath stared at Nick’s back until his words sunk in and Nick turned and looked at him with confusion reflecting in his eyes.  “When me and J.T. took off that night, they were right behind us.  I thought for sure they was gonna catch us when suddenly they broke off.  They could have had us if they thought they needed us Nick.  Don’t ya see Nick, Keller woulda just grabbed J.T. again if you hadn’t stayed with Jarrod.”  

Nick leaned against the wall and eased himself to the floor. His eyes became distant as he began to speak, “I wouldn’t taken his place if I coulda.  I tried, but they only made it worse for him whenever I did.  It didn’t take me took long to learn that the best thing I could do was to stay quiet and not move.”  Looking up, Nick’s eyes implored Heath to understand, “Do you know how hard it was for me to not do anything? To let them beat him until he couldn’t even stand up on his own. To watch as they forced poison into his system and then force him to eat.”  His breath hitched as he continued, “I had to watch my big brother force food into his mouth and then swallow back the bile with every bite and he never said a word, never put up a fight. He just did it, so I wouldn’t have to suffer because of him.  And then I had to watch him get sick over and over just so they could laugh at him.”  Nick buried his head in his hands and sobbed, “When... Pete... started touchin’ him... Oh god Heath, I’ve never seen such terror in a man’s eyes as I saw in Jarrod’s.  He knew what was coming and he couldn’t stop it.  I watched as the blood poured down his arms from trying to get away from it.  I watched him shit himself because he was so terrified he just lost it.  I just sat and...watched.” Nick broke down and cried as his demons reluctantly began to loosen their hold on him. 

Heath rose from the bed and walked over to squat in front of Nick. He placed a comforting hand on Nick’s shoulder and tried to find some words that would help.  Nothing seemed adequate so he remained silent and simply sat with his older brother until the worst was over.  Jarrod’s thrashing alerted both of them and they hurried to his bedside.  The heat came off him in waves and they worked in a silent partnership to try and cool him down.  When nothing seemed to work, Heath finally spoke up, “I better go get the Doc and wake Mother.”

Nick stood up, “Nah, you stay here. I’ll go.”

“Nick, ya don’t have to be the one to leave.”

Nick smiled, “It’s alright Heath. I know that now. I’ll wake Ruth and bring her in. She might be able to calm him down if he gets to upset again.”  Nick turned to leave then stopped, “Heath?”

“Yeah, Nick.”

Ducking his head, Nick hemmed, “Thanks.  I uh...well...it helped.”

“Don’t worry ‘bout it Nick. Go on now.”

Nick’s concerned eyes drifted to Jarrod’s restlessness and he sighed worriedly, “Take care of him, Heath.”   He left the house to send one of the hands for the doctor, then woke his mother and Ruth.  He waited for Ruth and helped her into Jarrod’s room.  Mother was already helping Heath try and cool Jarrod down.  Ruth sat by Jarrod’s head and took a wet towel and wiping his sweating face, uttered gentle reassurances.  Jarrod cried out in his delirium, “Hot...too hot...”

Standing in the doorway, Nick watched as they sat Jarrod up and tried to get him to drink.  He only took one drink, before his eyes opened wide and his stomach started heaving.  Jarrod tried to fight the rising nausea for several seconds before the contents of his stomach came up all over him, covering him in the foulness.  It continued until he had nothing left and his head dropped to his chest in an effort to breath.  The smell assaulted him, and his hands began fumbling with the buttons of his nightshirt, desperately trying to rid himself of the humiliating substance.  Victoria and Heath tried to help, as Ruth tried to calm him,   “It’s okay, Jarrod. Let us help you.”

As his anxiety increased, so did Jarrod’s breathing and he batted at the hands that tried to help, “Can’t let them see.”  His fever had him in another time and he fought their assistance.  Nick finally stepped forward and pushing Heath aside, sat down and spoke to Jarrod. “Jarrod, listen to me!” 

 Jarrod’s fever glazed eyes seem to clear for a moment, “Nick?”

“Yeah Jarrod, I’m right here.”

Leaning into Nick, Jarrod uttered a quiet plea, “Help me Nick...” He shook his head sorrowfully, “... no more laughing.”

Nick held Jarrod’s neck and pulled him into his shoulder, his words were soothing, “Nobody’s gonna laugh at ya, Big Brother. How ‘bout you let me help you outta them clothes and cleaned up?”

Jarrod just nodded, already drifting in his fevered state.  Nick nodded to the others and they quickly moved back in to help with Jarrod.  In no time they had his dirty clothes off and clean ones back on.  Heath and Nick lifted Jarrod enough for Ruth and Victoria to strip the sheets and replace them with fresh bedding.  Jarrod was hanging limply between them, no longer putting up a fight.

Victoria checked his forehead and her brows creased at the heat coming off her eldest,  “I don’t think we can wait for the Doctor.” She strode to the door as she ordered her sons. “I’ll start a bath, we’ll have to hope that it helps.” 

Part 24

It took several changes of water before Jarrod began to come around and cupping his hand he tried to take a drink the water from the tap as it filled the tub.  His hand shook and very little made it to his mouth, but he sighed as the coolness coated his dry throat.  Heath grabbed a glass and quickly filled it, helping Jarrod drink while Nick continued to pour water over his head and shoulders.  As the cool water did its job, Jarrod began to struggle and gasped sharply at the pain that shot into his leg.  His calf was swollen and inflamed and the agony of moving put a quick end to his struggles.  His hands gripped the tub in a white knuckled grip and he sucked in air to ease the agony in his leg. 

Nick noticed him shivering and motioned for Heath to drain the tub, “Let’s get you back to bed, Jarrod.”

As Nick reached out to help him from the tub, Jarrod covered his hand and hissed through gritted teeth, “Gimme a minute.”

Patting Jarrod’s hand Nick grabbed a towel and draped it over his brother’s shoulders, “Sure Jarrod. Take all the time ya need.”

Handing his brother another glass of water, Heath was pleased to see that Jarrod’s hand was a little steadier than earlier and after draining the glass they helped him from the tub, then dressed him.  Jarrod’s fingers dug sharply into his brother’s shoulders as the lifted him up and carried him to his room.  Howard was sitting with Victoria and Ruth as they entered and noticed immediately the pain that Jarrod was in.  “Set him on the bed, boys.  I want to take a look at his leg.”

Victoria rigged several pillows behind Jarrod and he closed his eyes tightly as he tried to relax.  Howard carefully examined his leg and Jarrod stiffened, sweat beading on his fevered brow. “I’m going to give you something for the pain Jarrod. I need to clean this out.”

Ruth sat beside Jarrod and took his hand as Doctor Merar spooned out some laudanum for him.  Jarrod took it without complaint and slumped back into the pillows hoping for the medicine to take affect soon.  Howard beckoned Silas, and the two had a hushed conversation for a few moments. Silas returned a short time later with the supplies the doctor asked for and Howard began issuing in instructions.  “Jarrod’s leg isn’t showing any improvement and I want to do a more thorough cleaning.  Let’s get some towels under that leg.  I’m going to see if I can wash it out.”  As he rigged up a tube to the leather pouch of salt water Silas provided, Victoria took several towels and gently placed them under Jarrod’s leg.  Jarrod was already drifting and thankfully didn’t care much at this point.  Howard shook his head, wishing he could do more.  This was going to hurt like the devil no matter how much they tried to drug him.  “Nick, Heath, you may have to hold him down.”

As soon as Howard stuck the tube into Jarrod’s calf and began working it deeper, Jarrod arched against Nick and Heath’s hold and just as quickly, his eyes rolled back in his head and he slumped limply to the bed.  Doc Merar sighed in relief, hoping for just that.  “Alright then, let’s get this over with.”  Pulling the tube out, he quickly increased the site wounds with a longer incision, releasing blood and pus.  Inserting the tube again, he forced the water through the wound. It took over half an hour of washing water through the puncture wound before the doctor was satisfied that it was clean.  Bits of dirt and wood came out and Howard was confident that Jarrod’s leg could begin to heal now.  His fever was still a danger but only time would take care of that.  Packing the site once more he wrapped it lightly and looked up at four very pale faces.  “I know that wasn’t pleasant, but it needed to be done.  It should help.”

Howard noticed Ruth was shaking and he feared she may pass out, “Ruth, I want you back in bed. I know you want to help, but you will do no one any good if you don’t take care of your own injuries.  Besides, I suspect it will be sometime before he wakes again.” 

Victoria asked, “What do we need to do?”

“Clean it out twice a day and repack it.  I’m not going to stitch it up. I want it to heal from the inside out, so the infection doesn’t get trapped inside his leg. If the redness doesn’t go away in a few days or his fever gets too high send someone for me.  I’ll leave some powders for his fever and some instructions for poultices that should help some.”   Howard repacked his things and bid them goodnight, “I’ll stop by tomorrow sometime and see how he’s doing.”

Victoria rose to her feet, “Thank you, Howard.  Let me walk you out.”

“No bother, Victoria. I know my way to the door.” 

After the doctor left there was much argument about who would sit with Jarrod.  Ruth lost the battle because of doctor’s orders and Victoria was too much a force to be reckoned with.  Heath and Nick soon joined their slumbering wives for the first good sleep they’d had in days.  Victoria and Silas spent the night watching Jarrod sleep.  He was restless, and his fever remained constant, neither rising nor falling.  Both of them sent silent prayers skyward, hoping the worst was over.

The next morning Jarrod woke with a low grade fever and asked for water, but as soon as he took a swallow his nausea returned and he heaved for several long moments trying to rid himself of the noxious liquid.  His anxiety was palpable as he clawed at the foulness on his clothes. 

Victoria moved to help him, “Let me help you, son.”

Jarrod’s breathing was clearly strained as his eyes searched the room, totally ignoring Victoria and Silas’s presence. His hands trembled as he fumbled with the buttons and he began muttering, “Help me Nick... make it go away. Nick...”  Victoria tried to help but Jarrod didn’t even acknowledge her, trapped as he was in his own world. 

“Would you go wake Nick, Silas?” asked Victoria.

“Yes ma’am. Right away.”  Silas hurried from the room to wake Nick.

Nick showed up in minutes, bedraggled and tired, but seeing Jarrod struggle with his demons spurred him into action.  With one knee on the bed, he pulled Jarrod’s hands free of the mess in front of him and spoke calmly and softly, “Let me help there, Big Brother.”

Jarrod’s eyes were filled with fear as he pleaded with Nick, “Get it off Nick.” Sweat dripped down his face and his breathing was ragged as he implored, “Help me.”

Removing the soiled nightshirt, Nick cleaned Jarrod up and each moment brought more calm to his older brother, “What made ya sick?”

“I just drank some water.  I couldn’t hold it down. I’m sorry.”  Already Jarrod seemed to have forgotten the fear he was feeling only moments before, but it was clear he was still feeling the effects of the fever that riddled his body.

Nick spoke to him gently, trying to reassure him, “Wasn’t your fault. You feeling better?”

“Just thirsty.” 

“Think you’re up to a trip down the hall?”  Nick worried if Jarrod drank again without getting it himself the same thing would happen all over.  Jarrod nodded weakly, thinking Nick thought he needed to use the facilities.

Victoria quickly intervened and spoke firmly to Nick, “I don’t want him out of bed, Nick. Surely a bed pan will suffice.”

Very rarely did Nick overrule his mother’s wishes but this was necessary, “Just this once, Mother. I promise.”  As she opened her mouth to intercede, Nick discretely shook his head and she remained silent, passing him a look that said they would be having a talk. 

Draping Jarrod’s arm over his shoulder, Nick helped him from the bed and Silas quickly took his other arm.  As Jarrod stood on his good leg, his whole world began spinning and he took several deep breaths before he steadied.  With no pressure on his back for two days, he’d forgotten that he’d wretched it in the earthquake and as he straightened up, all his weight transferred to his lower back. Nick felt Jarrod grip him tighter and try to hide his pain from their Mother.  Silas felt it too, but knew Mrs. Barkley as well as her sons did and any pain from Jarrod would put an end to their foray. 

Victoria watched them leave, not fooled by their silence, but tried to convince herself that Nick had his reasons.  Busying herself with changing the sheets, she tried not to worry.

Once in the hall and out of their mother’s earshot, Nick asked, “You alright?”

Gritting his teeth as the spasms ripped through his back, Jarrod shook his head and hissed, “No...my back.”

Wrapping his arm around Jarrod’s waist, Nick all but picked him up and between him and Silas they got Jarrod into the bathroom.  Setting him in the chair with his bad leg stretched in front of him, Jarrod tried to relax.  Each time he breathed and tried to slump into the chair the pain screamed back at him.  It took several long shuddering breaths before he was finally able to relax. 

Nick watched Jarrod and his sudden paleness scared him, “You alright? You don’t look so good.” 

“Hmm.”  Jarrod was starting to doze off in the chair, the short excursion wearing him out. 

“Why didn’t you say something about your back?” Nick took the pitcher that sat on the shelf above the sink and after rinsing it, filled it will fresh water.  Grabbing a glass he poured Jarrod a drink and handed it to him.

 “I twisted it s’all. Only hurt when I tried to stand up.” Jarrod took the glass and without hesitation took a long drink.  Nick watched anxiously as he downed the water with no ill effects and sighed his relief.  Seeing Jarrod drink disturbed Nick until he realized why.  Jarrod had no clue why he got sick in his room or why the water had such an ill affect on him.  His mind was beginning to remember the subtle results of his torture even if Jarrod himself didn’t.  Nick shook himself from his thoughts and took care of Jarrod’s needs even taking a few extra moments to give him a shave.   As tired as Jarrod was, it felt good to get rid of three days of scratchy growth.  It took some maneuvering and a lot pain on Jarrod’s part before they finished in the bathroom and had him settled back in bed. Nick made sure Jarrod saw him fill a fresh pitcher of water for the nightstand.  In the days that followed, it never occurred to anyone that the pitcher never ran dry.  Silas or Nick always made sure to refill it whenever Jarrod was sleeping.

Part 25

After a week of coddling, Jarrod wanted nothing more to do with staying in bed.  He and Ruth really hadn’t had time to talk and he wanted to be with her.  Almost losing her in the quake had made him realize that even without memories of the last six years, he’d still fallen in love with her again.  Being sequestered in his own room was the last thing he wanted, so he began trying to prove he could get up and around on his own.  His leg hurt whenever he moved, but he carefully hid it from the family by limiting his longer jaunts to after everyone had gone to bed.  A week in bed for both Ruth and Jarrod had done wonders for their backs.  Jarrod only felt an occasional twinge if he tried to stay on his feet too long.  Ruth’s back was better but she still had some numbness in her legs.  Walking wasn’t a problem as long as she didn’t overdo it.   As soon as she became tired it took more concentration to lift her feet and her weariness usually resulted in more stumbling.

It was almost midnight and Jarrod was on his way back from a trip down the hall.  He was leaning heavily against the wall, trying to gather some strength to finish the journey to his room when Ruth suddenly appeared in the hallway.   Ruth hurried to his side, “Are you alright?”

Jarrod nodded, “Just resting for a minute.”

Reassured that he was alright, Ruth began to notice that he was dressed only in his pajama bottoms and beneath his open robe she could see the muscular abdomen.  Realizing she was staring she looked up as the red crept into her face to find Jarrod staring down at her own scantily clad body.  Not expecting anyone to be up, she’d hoped to just dart across the hall and didn’t bother with her robe.  With a mind of it’s own her hand reached out to touch his chest, and Jarrod actually shuddered as her fingers danced across his skin.  Her boldness startled him, until he remembered that while he was new to this, she had been holding back for months in reverence to him.   Jarrod’s hand dropped to her hip and he stared into her brown eyes as his hand wandered up her side to rest just below the curve of her breast.  Without a second thought, Jarrod leaned in and lightly kissed her soft lips.  He pulled back for a brief second then returned for another one.  Ruth returned each one and Jarrod’s hand drifted to her lower back and he pulled her into a closer embrace as he deepened the next kiss. 

Ruth’s pent up desire came rushing forward and she kissed Jarrod fervently, their passion leaving them both breathless. Jarrod leaned into the wall and Ruth melted into his embrace as he sighed, “You need to go back to bed.”

Hiding her disappointment, Ruth replied, “So do you. Let me help you.”  Helping him to bed was a chore for both of them and Jarrod’s leg was throbbing by the time he was settled in.  Ruth sat on the edge of the bed, resting her own back before having to go back to her room.  As Jarrod lay in bed trying unsuccessfully to hide the pain he was in, Ruth asked worriedly, “Can I get you something?”

“No...it will go away in a minute. It just hurts from moving around.” 

Not wanting to leave, Ruth insisted, “Why don’t you roll over and let me rub your back? It might help.”

Jarrod shook his head. Instead he patted the bed beside him, “Lay with me for a bit.  I know your back isn’t doing any better than mine.”

Ruth beamed as she slid down to lay beside him.  Jarrod felt more secure in the fact that he was under the bedcovers and she was on top.  His arm draped around her and she rested her head on his shoulder.  They lay in companionable silence for a long time with Ruth’s hand making lazy circles on Jarrod’s chest.  As her fingers found the fine hairs on his chest, he reached up a hand and covered hers, ceasing her motions. 

 Realizing that her touch had bothered him, Ruth blushed, “I’m sorry.”  As she pulled her hand from his chest, Jarrod grasped in firmly and held it in place and Ruth relaxed, glad he wasn’t angry with her.  It was so hard not to want to touch him and yet she wanted to respect his choice to wait. It was so very hard to remain detached when all she wanted was to love him. 

“Don’t be sorry.”  Jarrod intertwined his fingers with hers, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.  He smiled and gave her a small chuckle,  “I just don’t trust myself.”

Snuggling closer, Ruth sighed, “I understand, I really do. I just miss you.”

“I know, but...” Jarrod hesitated and Ruth lifted up to look him in the eye.

“But what?”

“I sometimes get the impression I’m not what you expect... Like something is missing.”

Ruth couldn’t look him in the eye and she dropped her head back to his shoulder as she tried to clear the sorrow away.  Blinking back a tear, she spoke quietly, “We went through a lot together, just the two of us.  I suppose over time you learned to trust me. You opened up and let me see the real you.”

Confused, Jarrod tried to sit up.  Ruth moved off him and let him slide back into the headboard, putting a couple pillows behind his back to support him. Lifting his arm, he motioned for her to join him and Ruth leaned into his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around her. “What do you mean the real me?”

“Hmmm...that might be hard to explain.  You are such a private person Jarrod, that you don’t let very many people see what goes on inside.  You prefer to keep things to yourself rather than bother someone else with your problems or with what you are thinking.”

“I suppose,” agreed Jarrod.  He sat thinking before continuing, “And you are saying that I’m different with you.”

“Exactly.  You are so much more than you let people see, even your family.”

Jarrod couldn’t imagine being anything but what he’d always been.  Admittedly he was a very private person, but that had come from years of looking after his family, stepping into his father’s shoes and taking over their care.  It was easier to push aside his own feelings rather than burden them with more.  It had become second nature.  Curious now, he asked, “So how am I different with you?”

Ruth chuckled, “Well for one thing, you have a sense of humor that you don’t use often enough.  Oh, it comes out now and then, but most of the time it is so subtle that most people miss it.  I’ve seen your eyes gleam when something strikes you as funny, and I can see you wanting to say something. You hold it in and enjoy the humor of the situation as it passes everyone else by.”

She certainly had his attention now, seeing something in him that no one had ever commented on before, “What else?”

Thinking a minute, Ruth smiled, “You have a playful side that is a delight to be around.  The children love when you shed that cool exterior and enjoy yourself.”  Blushing at her thoughts, Ruth added shyly, “That goes for me too I suppose. You’ve brought that side of yourself into our bedroom on more than one occasion.”

Now it was Jarrod’s turn to blush, and he coughed to hide his embarrassment, “It’s very hard to see myself in that light.  I can’t see me changing overnight to this person you’re telling me about.”

“It didn’t happen overnight.” Ruth’s voice was almost a whisper and Jarrod could hear the sadness in her voice.  He remained quiet, waiting for more. “When you were kidnapped that first time...” her voice drifted off and she was suddenly unsure of what to say.

Jarrod lifted her chin and his blue eyes looked for the truth, “Please Ruth, I want to understand what is missing.  I can handle it, I promise.”

Ruth shook her head and tears threatened.  The anguish of months, erupted and she spoke with despair,  “No you can’t. That’s why you don’t remember any of it.”  Her tears fell and she moved away from Jarrod, ready to flee when he grabbed her and pulled her back.

“What does that have to do with this?”

Brushing aside the tears that rolled down her cheeks, she cried, “Oh Jarrod don’t you see, you had no one else to turn to then.  I was all you had.  You let me in because you had no choice.”

Jarrod pulled her back into his embrace, and muttered as he kissed the top of her head, “And I don’t let you in anymore do I? That’s what’s missing?”  Ruth nodded, afraid to speak, knowing it would only bring more tears. Jarrod sighed, “I’m sorry Ruth. I wish I could remember it all and make everything go back the way it was for you and the children.”

Pulling away from Jarrod’s embrace,  Ruth shook her head sadly, “No Jarrod. I could wish for nothing more than for you to never remember any of what you went through. I would rather live with what we have now than to ever wish that on you.” 

“Was it that bad, Ruth? No one has really come right out and said anything but was it so bad that I can’t hear the details.”

Taking his hand in hers Ruth looked at him, “Do you ever ask Jarrod? Have you ever been curious about the details?”

Shrugging his shoulders, Jarrod shook his head, “No, I suppose not.”

Squeezing his hand Ruth tried to explain, “You gave up those memories for a reason, Jarrod.  It’s easier for you to forget it all then have to deal with it.  I think it’s best to leave it lie for now.”  Ruth sighed heavily, “I know how hard all this is for you but I just miss you so much.  I miss being with you, talking with you and yes...I miss touching you.”

Jarrod shifted on the bed and as he lay down he pulled Ruth with him, letting her rest against his side, “I love you Ruth, and I promise I’ll try to be more open with you.  It’s just going to take me some time to get used to all this.”

“I love you too and I’ll wait for however long I have to.” It didn’t go unnoticed by Ruth that he had once again avoided the subject of his torture.  His mind simply wasn’t ready to deal with it.  He was totally oblivious to how contrary his lack of curiosity was to his normal nature.  It was for the better, Ruth knew, but it was hard to see how much impact that time had on their relationship and have to ignore it.  She lay against him, savoring the feel of him and her hand drifted to his chest again, finding comfort in the lazy circles she made there.

It went on for several minutes before Jarrod took her hand in his again and teased, “You are heartless, you know that?”

Ruth blushed, “Sorry. Perhaps I’d better leave.” 

She sat up reluctantly but Jarrod too sat up and lifted the bedcovers as he asked softly, “Please stay.”  Ruth smiled warmly and moved to lie beside him.  He rolled onto his side and spooned behind her. “Now behave yourself.”

Snuggling closer, Ruth sighed, “I love you.”

Jarrod wrapped his arms around her and kissed her neck as he buried his head closer to hers, “I love you too, Ruth.  Get some sleep.”

Their breathing eventually evened out and they drifted into sleep.  Ruth dreamed of days gone by with her husband.  Jarrod’s dreams started out pleasant enough but Ruth’s warm hands roaming his body turned to a nightmare. In the wee hours of the night a blood-curdling scream broke the silence in the big house bringing everyone from their sleep. 

Part 26

Jarrod bolted upright in bed, his breathing coming in great heaving gasps and his eyes staring wildly around him, “Oh god, nooooooo!” 

Still lost in his nightmare, the sweat of his terror soaked him to the skin and Ruth tried to bring him back to reality, “Jarrod. Wake up. It’s just a dream.”  Jarrod blinked several times and tried to focus on the disjointed voice.  His whole body trembled with fear and only Ruth’s soft reassurances brought him around, “Shh...no one is going to hurt you here Jarrod. “ Her voice was enough to trigger the calm and he slumped into her shoulder, trying to remember what the dream was about.   His mind was blank and all that remained was the residual fear that comes with the night.

About that time, Nick burst through the door, looking harried, having been woken by Jarrod’s scream. Victoria and Tess soon joined him and all three stood in the doorway eyeing Jarrod anxiously.  Ruth held onto Jarrod and cast a glance at Nick.  A knowing look and a silent communication seemed to pass between them and Nick slowly backed out of the room, closing the door behind him. Nick’s hands shook with the adrenalin that raced through his veins and he leaned his shoulder heavily into the wall as he closed his eyes, trying to banish Jarrod’s scream from his mind.  He had hoped to never have to hear that particular sound again.  His hands clenched in tight fists,  he paced the hallway in long furious strides, his demons needing an avenue of release.  When that wasn’t enough to vent his frustration and anxiety, he slammed his hand into the wall.  The fight went out of him and he let his forehead rest against the wall.  His ragged breathing and sagging shoulders spoke of his inner struggle and Tess laid a comforting hand on his back, “Nick?”

Nick looked at her, having forgotten she and his mother were present.  Embarrassed by his actions, he was surprised to see nothing but the love and understanding in their eyes.  He stuttered as he tried to explain, “That scream....”

Tess walked closer and Nick opened his arms,  and moving into his embrace, wrapped her arms around him.  His mother was there as well and her hand rested lightly on his arm, “I’m proud of you son.”

Lifting his head off of Tess’s. Nick’s brow furrowed, “Why is that Mother?”

“You didn’t even hesitate to let Ruth handle the situation.”

“He needs her right now more than he needs me.  She’s always been the one that can pull him back when the memories take over.”

Shaking her head,  Victoria and Tess both smiled warmly, “I know how hard it is to give up his care to someone else, Nick and that’s why I’m proud of you.”

Nick ducked his head, and said with a feigned gruffness, “Well, I ain’t gonna be the one to tangle with Ruth.”  When he’d burst into the room and found Ruth holding Jarrod, he knew that she had the whole thing under control.  It never occurred to him to even question Ruth’s involvement.  Six years ago it had taken Nick some time to get to where he trusted Ruth, but since those early days he had handed her his loyalty and the two seemed to share a special relationship.  They teased and tormented each other, but when it came to Jarrod they both put aside their jealousies and did what was best for him.  It was a silent pact, one they never spoke of, and maybe that is what made it all the more powerful when others witnessed their unselfishness regarding Jarrod.

Dropping his arm around Tess’s waist, Nick smiled down at her. “Let’s get back to bed.”

Tess resisted as he pulled her down the hallway, “No way mister. You need that hand looked after.”  Nick lifted it to look at the damage for the first time.  The knuckles were already swollen and red and he winced when he tried to flex his fingers.  He hadn’t noticed the pain until now and just looking at it made the throbbing ache more intense.  Victoria stood beside him and grasping his wrist, shook her head, “One of these days you are going to learn not to use your fists, Nicholas.”

Removing his hand from her grasp and laid his arm across her shoulder.  He dropped a kiss on her head and laughed softly, “I doubt it Mother.”

Tess mumbled from her place on the opposite side of her mother-in-law, “I doubt it too.”

Nick squeezed her waist and teased, “Hush woman.”   His mood was vastly improved, but he did sneak a look back down the hall towards Jarrod’s room before he let them lead him downstairs.

 

Ruth sat holding Jarrod, offering what comfort she could.  He insisted he remembered nothing  about the dream itself and eventually his breathing evened out in sleep.  It took several hours for Ruth to fall back asleep.  She was grateful Nick had left her alone with Jarrod.  If they were ever going to get back what was lost, Jarrod was going to have to learn to trust her all over again.  While she wished he didn’t have to live through the terrifying nightmares, maybe it was his mind’s way of releasing the memories in a more manageable fashion.  This way at least, if he happened to remember them, and she had no doubt that would come, they could deal with it a little at a time.   She agonized over what to tell him when he started remembering his torture at the hands of her brother.  The solution, when it finally came, was remarkably simple.  As she sat holding Jarrod as he slept, she realized that all she had to do was be there for him, just has she had all those years ago.  He seemed to find comfort in her presence, as if he had an innate sense that she could be trusted.  It might take some time but she hoped that someday he would take that trust to a more conscious level and their relationship would be what it once was.  The only thing that still concerned her as she drifted off to sleep was that his first nightmare came on the same night they had let some of their passion loose.  She hated to think what would happen if she’d been foolish enough to push him into more.   It was then Ruth decided that she would remain steadfastly patient and let Jarrod decide if and when he was ready for more.

Jarrod woke the next morning snuggled next to Ruth and his mind only spent a brief moment recalling the night before.  The nightmare was a distant memory but Ruth’s comfort was not.  He’d felt a contentment in her arms that was unprecedented and it still lingered this morning.  Spooned behind her, he carefully slid his hips away from her, worried that his body might betray him.  He was enjoying her closeness too much and didn’t want to wake her just yet.  As much as he wanted to love her, he couldn’t make that commitment yet.  He wanted to make sure it was him she was loving and not just a memory.  Her love for him was never in question, but he wanted her to love him as she had in the past, without reservations about who she was loving. 

Ruth was soon roused from sleep and her arms clasped the ones that held her, sighing at the presence she’d been missing for so long. Relaxing into his embrace, Ruth spoke, “Good morning.”

Nuzzling her neck, Jarrod said softly, “Morning.”

Stretching in his arms, Ruth sighed, “I need to get up.  The children will be waking soon.”

Jarrod relinquished his hold and let her up.  He sat up and gingerly tested his leg for mobility this morning.  Each day brought less pain and Ruth helped him to his feet. “How is it?”

“About the same,” said Jarrod, his frustration clearly evident.

“Why don’t you get dressed and I’ll have Nick help you downstairs.  No point sitting up here all day.”

Ruth started to leave and felt  his hand on her arming stopping her departure.  Looking at him curiously, Jarrod spoke hesitantly, “Thank you for last night.  I haven’t told you how much that meant to me.”

Turning back, Ruth took advantage of the moment and asked, “Do you remember anything from the dream?”

Stepping back, Jarrod sat on edge of the bed, his body sagging a bit at the memory of the previous night, “No.”

Ruth walked to the bed and sat down next to him, her hand resting on his leg as she spoke, “Nothing at all?”

Jerking his head towards her, Jarrod barked a terse, “I said no!”  Ruth blanched at the sudden mood shift and Jarrod, immediately contrite, apologized, “I’m sorry. I just don’t remember the dream.”

“But you do remember how it made you feel, don’t you?”  Ruth was determined to get him to confront his feelings rather than push them aside.  Sighing heavily at Ruth’s tenacity and his own frustration, Jarrod tried to get up, anxious to avoid the conversation.  Ruth grabbed his arm and stopped him from rising.  “Talk to me Jarrod.  I want to help you, but I can’t do that if you don’t let me in.”

Patting her hand as she held onto his arm, Jarrod looked at her and shook his head, “I know you want me be more open with you, but right now I don’t know what I’m feeling.  I don’t remember what caused me to wake like that last night.  All I remember is the...” Jarrod faltered and rubbed his hand over his face, wiping away the beads of sweat that already dotted his skin.  “the fear, I remember the fear.”  

Chapter 27

The days passed and Jarrod’s nightmares became clearer. He woke every night trembling with fear at the bits and pieces that stayed with him.  Ruth was grateful, that upon questioning him, he was still keeping the worst of it locked up.  It didn’t necessarily make dealing with it any easier, but at least he wasn’t having to relive the worst of his torture.  Each night he would toss and turn as the nightmares became worse, eventually waking up soaked in sweat and gasping for air.  He reached out for Ruth’s comfort almost naturally as if he knew she would take away his pain and the trust between them grew. 

One day as they sat around the dining table at the main ranch, J.T. suddenly burst into the room crying, “He’s out there, Papa!”

Jarrod turned his chair and tried to rise only to have J.T. launch himself into his arms. Everyone was looking on the young boy’s outburst with curiosity and concern.  “Who’s out there J.T.? What has you so frightened?”

“The bad man, Papa.  I seen him again.”

Nick and Heath bolted from the room, grabbing their holstered guns as they hurried out the front door. Laying on his father’s shoulder, J.T. cried in fear.  “I don’t want him coming back Papa.”

Fearful for himself and his family, Jarrod questioned J.T. “Where did you see him J.T.?”

Wiping away his tears with a sniffle, J.T. replied, “Out behind the barn.  I was hidin’ in the tree when I seen him sneakin’ up on the barn.”

Jarrod pushed J.T. away and towards Ruth, “Go to your Mama, son.”

J.T. started towards Ruth, but realizing that his father was going outside, he panicked.  Jarrod, still not a hundred percent, limped heavily towards the door.  He only made it a few feet when J.T.’s frantic cry stopped him, “NO PAPA! HE’LL TAKE YA AGAIN!”  The boy latched on to Jarrod’s leg, desperate to stop him from leaving.

Reaching down to unclasp J.T.’s hands from his clothes, Jarrod saw the terror in his son’s eyes and froze.  J.T. had never shown more than the slightest reaction to his own kidnapping, and they’d all assumed the boy had bounced back with the resiliency that most children possess.  Seeing the look in J.T.’s eyes, Jarrod blanched as his mind dredged up that same fear.   It tore at him to see J.T. so frightened and he wanted nothing more than to protect the boy...no, his son from Keller.  Up until that moment, Jarrod had only felt like a caretaker of Ruth, J.T., Emily and Jake.  Suddenly, he could see the trust in J.T.’s eyes and everything seemed to connect inside.  They were ‘his’ family and it was his role to protect them.  He could no longer hide from the past or ignore those things too painful to dredge up.  If he was going to keep them safe, he was going to have to know the truth no matter how difficult it was.  He’d tried ignoring all the signs and had steadfastly denied their existence, but his world seemed to narrow down to the fear in J.T.’s eyes.  It rocked him to the core and his safety mechanisms began to crumble.  Whereas before he’d been quite content to let everything remain unmentioned, all the signs of his instability rushed forward, making him wonder how he could have been so blind.  He recalled the fear of water, the anxiety attacks and the bits and pieces of nightmares he’d pushed into the background and suddenly his peaceful little world wasn’t so safe anymore.

Kneeling down, Jarrod picked J.T. up in his arms and held him close, dropping his head on the boy’s shoulder as he glanced towards Ruth.  Her own fear shone clearly on her face and Jarrod limped over to where Emily sat and leaning down, let her latch onto his neck.  Lifting her in his arm, Jarrod straightened up and hugged both children tightly then went to stand beside Ruth, who was holding on to Jake.  Setting J.T. down, Jarrod kept him close as he pulled Ruth into his embrace.  Ruth’s face was etched with fear and worry, and Jarrod dropped a light kiss to her forehead.  Relaxing in his embrace, her fears drifted away, leaving only the warmth and strength of her husband’s arms.  The reunited family stood silent as their eyes stared towards the door awaiting any news from Nick or Heath.  The rest of the family remained seated, nervous and scared about Keller’s sudden reappearance and wondering if the nightmare would ever end.

Victoria shook her head sadly when Nick and Heath returned empty handed.  Their own faces reflected the despair they too were feeling.  The silence was deafening and it took J.T.’s innocence to bring up what they were all contemplating. Looking up at his Uncle Nick, eyes brimming with tears, J.T.’s voice was but a whisper as he asked,  “How come the bad man keeps comin’ back?”

Fighting his own frustration and confusion over Keller’s reappearance, Nick gazed down at his nephew and sighed, “I don’t know J.T.”

 

Jarrod was uncharacteristically quiet the rest of the day, even more so than usual but the family chose to allow him the needed space.  His mood set the tone for the rest of the household as each of them dwelled on the consequences associated with Keller’s return.  Nick spent the day battling with his conscience.  Too many ‘what ifs’ took up residence in his mind.  What if he’d never let Keller leave that day...what if they’d tracked him and his men...what if he’d done a better job protecting his brother... what if they’d never let Keller live that first time...what if he could go back and fix the unfixable...

As he and Tess prepared for bed, Nick sat running his hand through his dark hair, letting his head drop into his hands.  Tess saw his despair and dropped on the bed beside her husband. “How are you doing?”

Nick glanced sideways at her and shook his head, “Did you see him today? He’s goin’ back again and ain’t none of us gonna be able to stop it.”

Tess frowned in confusion, “What do you mean?”

“He hardly said two words all day.  The first time Keller took him...when we found him he wouldn’t talk to us, not even Ruth.”  Nick’s words seem to drift as he continued, “Keller pretty much beat Jarrod into silence.  He figured if Jarrod didn’t talk then he couldn’t defend a man like the one that hurt his sister.  Something in his sick mind demanded Jarrod’s silence and he went to extremes to get it.  Jarrod got to the point where he wouldn’t even write.” His voice was strained as he recalled Jarrod’s more recent run in with Keller. “This last time, he didn’t just want his silence, he wanted to break Jarrod...” Nick couldn’t finish and he closed his eyes tight against the horrible memories of Keller doing what he set out to do.  He could still see Keller’s face when he finally released Jarrod. Nick’s eyes flashed open as he bolted off the bed and Tess patiently watched him pace back and forth, knowing he needed a release for his anger and frustration.  As always, his pacing began to slow and he began speaking again. “I don’t understand why Keller is back. I coulda sworn he’d never show his face again.”

Curious, Tess asked, “Why do you say that?”

Nick’s pacing picked up speed again and she knew he was agitated. His hands gestured through the air as he spoke, “I saw Keller’s face when he realized what he’d done...” Nick’s voice lowered as he continued, “He was like a man broken himself.  I don’t think he knew what he was doing until that last moment when Jarrod lost it and it scared him enough to let us go.  He couldn’t get out of there fast enough.”

“So why do you think he’s come back? Do you think maybe J.T. is mistaken about who he saw?”

Shaking his head, Nick answered, “No... I saw the fear in that boys eyes, J.T. knows what he saw.”

“And yet you and Heath couldn’t find a trace of him?” 

“Keller’s always been real good about hidin’ his tracks. He took the main road outta here knowing we wouldn’t be able to track him.” 

“What are you gonna do, Nick?”

 “Keep a close eye on Jarrod, Ruth and the children until I find Keller and kill him myself,” growled Nick.  Tess had no doubt that her husband meant every word he said.

******

In the room down the hall, Jarrod and Ruth were also having a conversation before retiring.  Ruth sat at her dressing table brushing her hair, as Jarrod stood staring out the window.  She watched him from the corner of her eye and setting her brush down, rose and went to stand behind him.  Leaning into his back, she wrapped her arms around him and asked hesitantly, “You’ve been awfully quiet today, you want to talk about it?”

Jarrod sighed, and patted the hand that rested on his chest, “I need to know the truth.”

“About what, Jarrod?”

Shuttering, Jarrod spoke in a mere whisper, “Start with the first time Keller took me.”

Ruth tightened her hold and asked nervously, “Are you sure?” 

“I need to know,” said Jarrod with a quiet unmasked desperation.  His anxiety over the unknown built and his body trembled slightly in Ruth’s embrace. 

Releasing her grasp, Ruth tried to lead him to sit, but he stood firmly in his spot, not willing to turn and face her.  He couldn’t stop the rising fear or anxiety and it was easier not to have to face her.  She would know instantly he was having trouble just by the sweat that was beginning to bead on his face.  Very softly he almost pleaded,  “Would you turn down the light?”

“Sure. Are you alright?”  Jarrod barely nodded and Ruth was concerned but knew the time had come for the truth about his torture and she wasn’t looking forward to it any more than he was.  Her fear was mounting but for totally different reasons.  Without his memories, Jarrod may not be quite so understanding about her part during his captivity and Ruth was worried about his reaction.  Instead of returning to his side, Ruth sat on the bed and scooted back against the headboard for support.  Drawing up her knees, she wrapped her arms around her legs and carefully watched Jarrod’s reaction as she spoke.

Chapter 28

Ruth started at the very beginning and tried to keep the details to a minimum.  In all honestly she couldn’t tell him everything since only her brother Thad and Jarrod himself were actual witnesses to the physical torture.  She could only tell him what she assumed took place in the woods based on how Jarrod looked at the end of each day.  It was hard to relate the pain and suffering he’d endured at her brother’s hand, and Jarrod’s silence through the whole rendition wasn’t helping her guilt any.  When she’d told him everything but that final week, she had to stop.  Tears built in her eyes and she tried blinking them back, but they fell anyway.  Brushing them away, she wasn’t fast enough. When Jarrod turned to see why she wasn’t speaking, he saw but remained rooted where he was. His eyes had a steely look and he asking her sharply, “What aren’t you telling me?”

Her tears threatened once again, but she refused to cry.  All her fears had come to fruition and deep down she took the blame, knowing somehow it would come to this.  This Jarrod, the man without the memories, could not forgive her or even understand her role during that month on the farm.  She hung her head and said remorsefully, “I’m sorry for not helping you more, but Thad wouldn’t let me leave the farm. I was as much a prisoner as you were.  Whenever he had someone there I wasn’t even allowed to go to town, and he never left until the job was done.”

Jarrod ignored her excuses and moved towards her.  Ruth unconsciously tried to move away but was stopped by the headboard at her back.  When Jarrod dropped one knee on the bed and grabbed her arms, Ruth froze in fear.  His eyes were the same hard, cold look of days gone by and she drew a sharp breath.  “He wasn’t done though, was he? Tell me what he did?”

Ruth tried to shrug from his grasp, but Jarrod held her firmly, and she pleaded in a wavering voice,  “Please Jarrod, you’re hurting me.”

He released his grip, but still held her tightly and he demanded an answer in a louder voice, “What did your brother do to me?”

Tears gathered and fell from Ruth’s eyes and she spoke in a half whisper, “He raped you...” Her voice died off as Jarrod suddenly lost all color.  Letting her go, he scrambled off the bed as if he’d been burned.  He backed himself into the corner and stared at her with horror in his eyes.

His face turned red with fury and he shook his head, “You’re lying! I’d never...” Ruth hurried off the bed and tried to reach him, but stopped dead in her tracks when he hissed through gritted teeth, “Don’t come near me!”

“Please Jarrod, let me help you.”

If his actions weren’t clear enough, his next words cut to the core, hurting her like no others could, “Like you helped me before.”

Sobbing now, Ruth tried to explain, “There was nothing I could do! Every time he brought you out of the woods I hated him, but I couldn’t do anything.  God Jarrod, don’t you think it hurt me to see him doing that day after day.”

Her words struck him like a knife and he sank to the floor.  His eyes wide, he asked in fear, “He did it more than once?”

Ruth couldn’t speak, the memory of those horrible days vivid in her own mind if not in Jarrod’s. All she could do was nod her head.  Jarrod gasped for air as he pulled up his knees and wrapping his arms around his legs, dropped his head down.  Ruth watched as he began rocking and her heart ached for him. His desolation was too much and ignoring his earlier warning, moved closer.  Jarrod’s head suddenly snapped up and he bolted to his feet, roughly pushing her aside as he tried to get away from it all.  He wouldn’t accept her truth and the only thing he could do was flee.  

Feeling herself being flung from his path, Ruth was helpless as she slammed into the end of the bed.  Her back hit first and fiery shafts of pain paralyzed her.  In a fraction of a second, her head connected with the bed and exploded in a blinding light.  Thankfully the pain ended as the darkness swallowed up her agony.

******

Jarrod stumbled from the room in shock, shutting the door on everything on his way out.  Dressed in only his pajama pants and a robe, the sweat poured off of him as he tried to escape the thoughts in his head.  He made it down the back stairs and into his study, where he shut and locked the door, trying to ban the outside world from his safe zone.  Hands shaking as he poured himself a drink, he downed it in one gulp and when it failed to have any affect on the visions crowding his brain, he poured another.  When the images continued to haunt him, he lifted the decanter and threw it across the room, casting blame on the dark liquor for failing him.  Denial was no longer an option and anger was quickly taking its place.  Unable to control the feelings that were threatening to erupt, Jarrod lashed out at anything and everything in the room.  He moved about the room, frantically grabbing for things to throw or hit as his past rushed up to meet him.  Thad’s hands tormented him, his skin crawling with demons he’d hoped were gone. Jarrod’s stomach rolled as the images became clearer and longer. Finally he dropped to his knees, losing the contents in heave after heave until he had nothing left to give.  Tears fell uncontrollably, and his heart raced as he staggered about the room, stopping only long enough to vent his rage at the unfairness of one man’s actions.  It wasn’t right to be treated as he had been.  He begged silently for a chance to make it all go away... to do it all differently and clear away the atrocities.   Nothing he said or did made a difference and his world came crashing down around him.  His strength depleted and his will gone, he fell limply onto his knees and sat there taking in the destruction around him.   The room was in shambles. Books lay scattered everywhere, broken glass littered the floor, furniture was upturned and thrown about. Nothing had been spared, but he couldn’t process any of what he was seeing.  He didn’t hear the pounding on the study door or his brother’s shouts for entry, trapped as he was in his own little world of despair.  How would he face himself or worse, his family, knowing he’d let Thad take him as he had.  There was no denying, no point in anger, no way of bargaining, and the sadness over the whole ordeal weighed heavily on his battered frame.  He sat staring at nothing when his eye caught the shiny glass just beyond his reach at the edge of the rug.  Oblivious to the other bits of glass that dug into his hands and knees, he crawled forward, reaching out to clasp the broken shard.  In his hand he held his salvation and tears fell from his swollen, red eyes.

 

Nick was startled from his sleep by the commotion downstairs and grabbing his pants, hurried to find out what the ruckus was.  He cautiously descended the stairs when a very rattled Silas appeared. “Mr. Nick! Mr. Jarrod in the study doing some awful damage. He done locked himself in.”

No longer worried about intruders, Nick hurried down the stairs towards the study.  Grabbing for the handle and finding it locked, he pounded on the door, “Jarrod! Open the door!”  Hearing things being thrown about, Nick took a step back and tried to force the door, slamming all his weight into it.  The tall solid oak doors refused to give and Nick winced at the pain in his shoulder.  His frustration mounted, but it quickly turned to concern when silence beckoned him from behind the study doors.  He tried calling out to Jarrod again and when no response came, he headed for the front door knowing he could get in through the glass doors on the porch.  As he made the foyer, he glanced up the stairs and saw his mother and Tess descending the stairs.  Stopping only briefly, he explained quickly, “He’s locked himself in.  I’m gonna go around, see if I can get in that way.”   He hurried out the front door and made his way around to the side of the house.  As he found his way to the patio doors and looked in, his eyes fell on his oldest brother as he sat in the middle of the room, destruction all around him.

He knocked on the window to get Jarrod’s attention, but it fell on deaf ears.  As he started to knock again, only louder, his hand stopped in mid motion as the light glinted off the glass in Jarrod’s hand.  Fear and panic raced through Nick and he froze, unable to react to what he was seeing.  Jarrod’s hand seemed to move in slow motion as he brought the glass to his wrist.  Shaking himself from his reverie, Nick pulled his hand back and punching out the glass in the pane closest to the lock, reached in and unlocked the door.  His eyes never leaving his older brother, he rushed to Jarrod’s side but something made him stop and he stared down, mesmerized by the bit of glass in Jarrod’s hand.  This was not a decision Nick could make for Jarrod.  If he took away the glass, Jarrod would find some other way, some other time to end the pain.  Nothing in the room moved and the only sound was Jarrod’s labored breathing.  Nick could see the tremors begin in Jarrod’s hand, but the glass remained poised above his wrist, not going forward and not going back.  It was stuck in limbo, waiting for a final decision on the fate of the hand that held it.  

Chapter 29

Time stood still for Jarrod, his demons waging war as he sat victim to their battle.  He wanted to end it all, but as he contemplated all he’d suffered and the damage done, other images began to surface and his hand stopped shy of committing the unthinkable.  The dark thoughts were slowly being replaced, and he remembered the birth of his children, J.T. hiding out, Emily’s tea parties, Jake’s tiny fingers and toes.  His life took on a different perspective as he recalled each scene as if he were there, reliving each wonderful moment.  They say your life flashes before your eyes in that final instant and the same could be said of that brief moment in time. Jarrod’s hand went limp, the instrument of fate dropping harmlessly to the floor.  Demons in the dark recesses of his soul released their hold and he slumped forward, his body wracked with great gasping sobs as he accepted that which he could not change.

Nick stood behind him and let go the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding.  In an instant he was at Jarrod’s side, holding him in a tight embrace as he cried tears of his own.  He’d watched Jarrod’s indecision, knowing all too well the demons that fought their way to win, yet unable to move against them.  Something inside him told him to trust in his older brother, that he wouldn’t take that final step. He’d waited for Jarrod to realize that what had happened didn’t matter, he was still family and family stood by in even the worst of times.  Nick supported Jarrod against his shoulder, letting him know just by his presence that they would always be brothers no matter what life threw at them.  Neither man spoke, words too fleeting and their emotions too high at the moment. 

Sitting on the floor in Nick’s arms, Jarrod felt completely drained and looking about the ruins of the room, couldn’t believe the damage.  His temper, normally kept under tight control had wrecked havoc in the room.   His own hands and knees ached from the pieces of glass imbedded in them, and he could see the blood on his palms and the bloodstains at his knees.  Flexing his hands, the glass shifted, sending sharp daggers of pain up his arm.  Nick let go of Jarrod but didn’t move far as he asked worriedly, “You wanna tell me what happened here?”

Jarrod tried to shrug off the seriousness of the situation with a half smile, “I remembered some things.”

Nick looked at him with wide eyes and asked warily, “How much?”

“A lot of it. At least up until Keller took J.T. I can’t remember anything after we got to Oregon.”

“You alright?” stuttered Nick, not sure how Jarrod was taking the new memories.

“Well, I have a lot of thinking to do but it doesn’t seem as bad as it did the first time around. Does that make sense? I mean I can remember everything after that first time and how I got through it, so it’s kind of like I’ve already been down this path.”

Sighing in relief, Nick nodded.  He hadn’t missed the fact that Jarrod didn’t remember his second capture or subsequent torture.  Jarrod had never dealt with that episode, he’d just blocked it all out.  With the destruction around him, Nick couldn’t help but wonder what Jarrod’s reaction would be if his memories from the time in Oregon ever returned.  Now was not the time to pursue it and he needed to get Jarrod taken care of.  Standing up, he looked down at his older brother, “Can ya walk?”

Nodding, Jarrod tried to stand but when he put his hands down on the floor to leverage himself up he pulled them back sharply, cursing.   He shook his hands trying to ease the pain and when he tried to get up again he was grateful for Nick’s strong arms to help him to his feet.  Looking at the amount of glass scattered all over the floor, he was glad he’d had the foresight to put on slippers.  Nick held on, making sure he was steady as he surveyed the damage to the room, “Quite a whirlwind, Big Brother.” 

They made the slow walk to the door, Jarrod’s torn and bloody knees made every step painful.  Nick still had some questions and he wanted to know before they joined the rest of the family, “What made ya change yer mind, Jarrod?”  Nick had watched as Jarrod decided he could live with the past and had put down the glass.

“My family, Nick.  It all came back and I realized that there was too much good to give up.” He glanced sideways and flashed Nick a grin, “Besides Ruth would’ve kill me if I’d gone ahead with it.”  Jarrod’s smile disappeared and his face paled.   Nick had no time to react, when Jarrod bolted towards the study door and fumbled with the lock as he cried out in fear, “Ruth!”  Just as Nick reached the doors himself, Jarrod flung them open and almost collided with his mother and Tess as they waited outside.  Both women gasped at the sight of him.  Sidestepping them, Jarrod stumbled up the stairs, his hands and knees leaving bloodstains every time he lost his footing and had to scramble upwards.  Nick followed but was hard pressed to keep up with his brother in his desperate attempt to get to Ruth.  Ignoring his own pain, Jarrod ran down the hall to the bedroom at the end and barely stopping, opened the door.  Breathing hard and sweating from head to foot, he froze in the doorway, his eyes scanning the room, fearful of what he would find.  Finding Ruth lying limply on the floor, Jarrod’s knees started to buckle and he staggered to where she lay.  His movements were frantic as he picked her up and pulled her into his lap, trying to wake her with his desperate pleas, “Please Ruth, wake up! I need you so much. I can’t lose you now.  I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing. Oh god, please forgive me!”  Tears rolled down his cheeks and sobs tore from him as he tried to wake her. 

Nick entered the room behind Jarrod and stood in shock, afraid of what he was seeing.  Jarrod was devastated and Ruth was obviously hurt and his heart sank and anger rose at the thought.  Regaining his composure, Nick hurried to Jarrod’s side and quickly checking Ruth’s pulse, sighed, “Let’s get her on the bed.  I’ll send someone for the doctor.”

Jarrod looked up at Nick, his eyes red rimmed and fearful, “I didn’t mean to hurt her.  I just pushed her away. I swear Nick.”  Burying his head in her shoulder, he cried, “What have I done?!”

“Now ain’t the time to be worrying about what you did. She needs help.”  Nick reached out to take Ruth from his brother, but Jarrod pulled away from him, not willing to relinquish his hold. “I’ve got her. Go for the doctor.”  Waiting only long enough to make sure Jarrod made it to his feet without falling, Nick left to summon the doctor.  Victoria and Tess meet him in the hall and Nick gave them a quick run down of what had happened.  Tess went for supplies while Victoria went to Jarrod.

Ruth lay on the bed with Jarrod beside her, his hands marring her clothes and skin with his own blood wherever he touched her.  Entering the room, Victoria’s eyes widened at the gruesome sight, barely holding back a gasp.  Instead she strode to the bed and dropped a comforting hand on her son’s shoulder. “Jarrod, we need to get you cleaned up, son.  Let Tess help you and I’ll sit with Ruth.”

Shaking his head and refusing to release his wife, Jarrod muttered, “I can’t leave her.  I need to be here when she wakes up.  I need to tell her...”  His voice broke, afraid he would never get the chance to tell her how much he loved her and how much he needed her in his life.  His returning memories, had brought more than a knowledge of facts. They had also brought a feeling so overwhelming that he wondered how he’d every forgotten such a deep love of this woman.   She had been right of course.  He was a different person since she’d entered his life and he never wanted to lose that again.  The mere thought of losing her now was enough to start his tears again and he shivered involuntarily.

Tess entered, along with Silas and they quickly set up water and bandages to care for Jarrod.  As hard as Victoria tried, he would not leave Ruth’s side and they ended up treating him where he sat.  His motions were reflexive, and he let them clean his hands, oblivious to any pain they were causing.  Even when Victoria began removing the glass from his hands he didn’t respond, all his attention focused on Ruth.  As soon as Jarrod was bandaged, Tess and Victoria cleaned the blood off Ruth and dressed her in clean night clothes.  Beyond the lump at the back of her head they found no other injuries and hoped she’d come around soon.   Victoria knew her son well enough to know he was being eaten up by guilt.  He lay at Ruth’s side muttering his apologies and reassurances in her ear, his eyes red and raw from tears.  When Howard arrived an hour later, Jarrod’s pleas were making headway and Ruth was starting to stir.

Howard looked at the bandages on Jarrod’s hands and shook his head.  Nick had related some of the damage, but it was somewhat unnerving to see Jarrod in the state he was in.  Looking at Victoria as he spoke, he sent a silent message of assistance, “Jarrod, I’m going to need you to move so I can see to Ruth. Why don’t you let your Mother take you to put on some fresh clothes. I don’t think you want Ruth to wake up and see you like that.”

Jarrod reluctantly sat up and looked at the bloodstains on his clothes. As if seeing them for the first time, he nodded slowly but didn’t move. Moving to his side, Victoria placed a gentle hand on his elbow, “Come on, son. Lets clean you up some.” Only her guiding hand got him moving. He stepped gingerly but ignored the pain, his eyes never leaving Ruth until he was led out the door.  Howard waited until Jarrod was out of the room before turning back to Ruth. 

Ruth could just barely make out voices over the pounding in her head, and a gentle tap on her cheek was enough to rouse her.  Slowly opening her eyes, she squinted at the light and instantly shut them as the room spun around, making her nauseous. Swallowing convulsively, she managed to hold off being sick, at least for the time being. 

Howard asked softly, “How do you feel Ruth?”

Her face pale, her answer wasn’t unexpected, “Sick.”

“Anything else?”

Taking a moment to access her injuries, Ruth winced as her hand found the bump on the back of her head and groaned.  Sitting up carefully, she felt the familiar tingling begin in her back, but ignored it.  She could deal with the tingling, she knew it would go away with time and the less everyone knew of her injury the better.  Lifting her head, she looked around the room anxiously, and her voice raised with her concern, “Jarrod! Where is he?”  Ignoring her pain, she tried to rise but instantly regretted it as her head pounded with a vengeance and her stomach rebelled against the sudden movement. 

Tess moved in quickly with a basin and Ruth held it shakily in her hands, hoping it wouldn’t be necessary as she took several deep breaths.  As she visibly calmed, Howard spoke to her firmly, “You’ll not be getting out of bed for some time young lady. You have a concussion and I don’t want you moving around.”

Ruth let the doctor help her lie down but she asked in a weary voice, “You have to find Jarrod. He was very upset.”

Leaning over Ruth, Tess tried to reassure her sister-in-law. “He’s with Mother, Ruth. He’ll be back here by your side before you know it.”

At that moment, Jarrod appeared in the doorway and stood staring at his wife, afraid he wouldn’t be welcome.  He’d never meant to hurt her but he’d done it nonetheless and there was no excuse for his behavior.  Ruth seemed to sense his presence and turning her head, opened her eyes and took in his battered hands and knees.  Jarrod watched her anxiously, fear of rejection ripping through him in that moment.  As her hand lifted and she beckoned him with no animosity or fear in her eyes, he let go the breath he’d been holding and took a deep shuddering one.  Limping to her bedside, he took her offered hand and held it gently in his bandaged hands.  Frowning, Ruth inquired, “What happened to you?”

Jarrod shook his head, embarrassed by his earlier outburst, “It’s nothing.” Bringing her hand to his lips, he kissed it gently, tears of remorse gathering in his blue eyes as he spoke, “I’m so sorry for hurting you...”

Stopping him with a  finger to his mouth, Ruth sighed heavily, “Shh. You have nothing to be sorry for.  I should have known better than to crowd you as I did.”

Shaking his head in disbelief at her easy acceptance, he smiled warmly and leaned down to kiss her forehead, “My precious one, what would I do without you.” Something in his tone was different but it was his words that shook her to the core.  Her eyes wide with surprise she asked in a half whisper, suddenly afraid of being wrong, “You...remember?”

Jarrod barely nodded when he found his arms full of a crying Ruth. Burying his head in her shoulder, he held her tightly and whispered his love in her ear.

Chapter 30

Jarrod sat with Ruth and only let Howard look at his hands and knees at her insistence. Rather than upset Ruth, Jarrod underwent more prodding and agreed to follow doctor’s orders.  Doctor Merar left ointment to draw out any glass left behind and to fight infection then issued orders for Ruth to stay in bed for at least a week.  Ruth wasn’t too thrilled with staying in bed, but she was granted a reprieve on telling anyone about her back. The time in bed would serve as a great healer and they would never need to know, especially Jarrod. It was several hours later and Jarrod lay beside Ruth watching her sleep, knowing he’d have to wake her soon.  Doctor Merar left instructions to wake her every two or three hours in the night as a precaution due to her concussion.  Jarrod had to fight with the family to stay at her side and be the one to care for her.  His own injuries notwithstanding, he’d refused to take any laudanum, wanting to stay awake for Ruth’s sake. No amount of persuasion to hand her care over to the family seemed to sway him, and they finally left in frustration over his stubbornness.   Now as he watched her sleep, he couldn’t ignore the pain in his hands and knees and the unmerciful throbbing that accompanied every beat of his heart.  Burying pain was nothing new to him and he used forgotten skills to push it away to a manageable level.  Leaning over Ruth, he was caught off guard by the smell of her hair and the scent of her skin.  Without thought, his lips dropped to her ear and he nuzzled his way around it.  Whispering softly as he played with the delicate lobe, he tried to rouse her from sleep, “Ruth honey, you need to wake up. Come on, wake up for me.”

His persistence finally paid off and Ruth slowly came out of a deep sleep totally incoherent but the  familiarity of Jarrod’s actions brought her to alertness and she sighed out loud. “Nice technique.”

Jarrod teased her flesh with soft kisses, “I thought you’d like that. Howard insisted I wake you every couple hours and question you.”

Ruth flushed as he continued and smiled, “I doubt he’d approve of your interrogation methods.”

“How are you feeling?” His kisses trailed down her neck and Ruth shuddered at the moist softness of his lips on her sensitive skin.

Wincing slightly at her headache, Ruth told him honestly, “A little sore, a little sick. Not too bad though.”

Lifting up on his elbow, Jarrod closed his eyes briefly.  His heavily bandaged hand found it’s way to her face and turning it, he ran his barely exposed knuckles across her cheek.  In a strangled half whisper he said solemnly, “I’m so sorry for hurting you. I never meant for it to happen.”

Looking in his shimmering blue eyes, Ruth tried to ease his conscience, “In all the years I’ve known you, you have never raised your hand to me.  I know what happened was an accident.  Please don’t let it eat away at you.” 

Shaking his head, Jarrod smiled, “You may be forgiving but Nick is ready to kill me.”

Ruth smiled at her brother-in-law’s protective nature, “He’ll come around.” Her voice dropped and she added more seriously, “He’s having a difficult time with all that’s happened to you.”

Jarrod sagged onto his back beside her, “Will you tell me what happened in Oregon?”

“I can’t Jarrod. I wasn’t there. You’ll have to ask Nick if you really want to know.”

“But you know what happened don’t you?”

Moving carefully, Ruth rolled to her side and snuggled against him, “I know some of it, but if you really want the details you’re going to have to ask your brothers.”

Sighing in frustration, Jarrod asked, “Was it so bad?”

“Oh Jarrod, I don’t know if you’re ready for the answers to your questions. You’ve just remembered the first time with Keller and my brother, give yourself time to deal with all that first.”

Jarrod tightened his hold on her, pulling her closer. “What I said earlier, about your brother...I didn’t mean it. I didn’t want to remember.”  He dropped a light kiss on her forehead and added in a slightly husky voice, “You mean everything to me.  Then and now...especially now.  I don’t want to go through life anymore without you.”  Ruth’s hand played with the fine dusting of hair on his chest, and Jarrod shook his head with a smile as he watched her try to stifle a yawn.  His hand covered hers, and he chuckled, “You can go back to sleep now. I think you’ve answered enough questions.”

Already slipping back into sleep, Ruth replied groggily, “I’ve missed you, Jarrod.”

Kissing her lightly on the forehead, he sighed contently, “I’ve missed you too, Ruth.”

Jarrod spent the next week caring for Ruth and his children. He insisted on bearing the full burden of their care and even though he was exhausted by the end of the day he was happier than he’d been in ages.  Having his memory back was like a balm on his heart and he couldn’t imagine being without family.  Ruth may have forgiven him, but after discovering the cause of Ruth’s injuries, Nick was anything but friendly towards him.  Even after explaining, Nick refused to accept it and Jarrod suspected there was more to it then just Ruth’s injury.  Jarrod usually stayed out of Ruth’s conversations with Nick, but after a week of Nick’s rudeness he finally got her to tell him what was bothering his brother.  Tired of being glared at and spoken to with gruff indifference, Jarrod gave care of the children over to his sister’s-in-law and went to seek out his brother, determined to speak with him.

Nick was out watching their newest stallion parade around the corral.  Turning at the sound behind him, he was surprised to see Jarrod advancing towards him.  Ignoring him, he continued to watch the stallion, hoping Jarrod would take the message he didn’t care for his brother’s presence.  Jarrod limped across the yard and leaned heavily into the corral rails to support himself.  His hands, still covered in light bandages, dangled over the rail. “It’s time we talked Nick.”

Staring straight ahead, Nick answered, “Ain’t nothin’ to talk about.”

“Ruth knows I didn’t hurt her on purpose Nick. Why does it bother you so much?”

Nick turned on him sharply and growled, “It just does!”

“But that’s not all of it, is it?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Shifting sideways, Jarrod dropped his hand on his brother’s back, “Yes you do, Nick.  ”

Shrugging away from Jarrod’s hand, Nick glared at him, “Stop talkin’ in circles and tell me what the devil yer saying.”

Jarrod looked away from him and resting his elbows on the rail, tried to explain, “I asked Ruth to tell me what happened on the farm.  You’re the only one that knows about the time in Oregon.  I know you and Ruth have talked.  You don’t want me to know what happened for some reason and you’re scared I’m going to ask you, aren’t you?”

“So what if I am?” said Nick, suddenly defensive. He refused to look at Jarrod, instead he concentrated on watching the stallion.

Jarrod shook his head at his brother’s stubbornness, and spoke with a bit of despair, “Don’t worry Nick. I won’t ask.”

Taken aback by Jarrod’s conviction, Nick sighed with frustration, “Oh hell, Jarrod. It’s not I don’t want ya ta know. I just don’t know if I can be the one ta tell ya or even if yer ready.  I was there, I had to go through it to.  I have nightmares about it.”

“Maybe talking about it will help.”

Nick shook his head, his defiance gone only to be replaced with hopelessness, “Ain’t nothin’ gonna help, Jarrod. I shoulda done something to stop it.” 

“You have me at a disadvantage, brother. How could you have stopped it? From what you’ve already told me, there was nothing you or Heath could have done.”

Shaking his head, Nick retorted, “You said yourself that if I stayed with ya, Keller would only use me to make it worse on you...and you were right.” Nick’s voice drifted off as images invaded his mind.

Jarrod couldn’t miss Nick’s distress. His hand once again dropped on his brother’s back, only this time is wasn’t shrugged off. “Do you think if our positions were reversed I could of left you Nick. Do you?” Nick shook his head and Jarrod continued, “You did the only thing you could. You stayed with me. Heath or I would have done the same thing in your shoes, brother Nick. It’s what we do for each other. Don’t you see that, Nick? You couldn’t have changed who you are any more than we could.”

Nick could feel his emotions well up and he just nodded, afraid to speak.  The two men stood side  by side in the growing darkness as the sun sank below the horizon and a few more demons drifted away on the breeze.  It was Jarrod that finally broke the comfortable silence, “Any ideas why Keller’s back?”

“Hell if I know. I’d have bet money on never seein’ him again.”

Jarrod’s brow furrowed, his confusion plain. “Why do you say that?”

Suddenly worried he’d have to explain, Nick took off his hat and scrubbed his hands through his hair, “Please don’t ask me that. I can’t...”

His temper over Nick’s and Ruth’s reluctance to give him answers boiled forth, “Damn it Nick, I can’t keep it locked up forever. Why won’t anyone tell me what happened?” His eyes were dark as he shook with anger and frustration.  “I’ve already lived through my worst nightmares. Could it really be that much worse?”

Nick refused to look at him as he spoke hesitantly, “It’s hard for me to say if it was worse. Only you can say that. All’s I know is that Keller had a journal that Thad kept.  He used the information in it to make your life miserable for those five days.  His choice of torture was selective and he took great pride in what he was doin’.” Nick hesitated to add more, afraid of saying too much, but he wanted to give Jarrod something and he chose his words carefully, “By the time he was done, he seemed to lose all interest in what he was doin’.  His heart wasn’t in it anymore.”

“But you said you didn’t think he’d ever come back again. Why Nick?” When Nick didn’t answer, Jarrod persisted, “I need to know. How can I protect my family if that madman is still out there and I don’t have a clue why he won’t give this up?”  His shoulders slumped and he leaned heavily into the fence, knowing deep down he was beating a dead horse.  Nick didn’t have the answers any more than he did and his worry for his family deepened with every thought regarding Keller’s motives.

It was hard for Nick to see Jarrod having to deal with the memories as well as worry about what Keller was up to and he tried to be supportive, “I don’t know what he’s up to any more than you do. When he left the last time he seemed disgusted with what he’d done. I figured he was through with it all. It don’t matter that I didn’t think he’d come back. What matters is making sure you, Ruth and the children are kept safe.  I’ll put men back on patrol and we’ll try and catch him before he does anything.”

Jarrod just shook his head, “It didn’t work last time Nick. The man has always gotten what he wants. We both know he won’t stop ‘til he gets what he wants.”

Squeezing the shoulder under his hand, Nick sighed, “Well we don’t have to make it easy for him.”

Chapter 31

Jarrod and Nick finally retired into the house, only to find most of the house quiet and bedded down for the night.  It took neither of them long to make their way upstairs to their wives.  It had been a long week for Jarrod and he was thankful Ruth was on mend.  She’d finally told him about her back and Jarrod insisted the Doctor take a look. Both he and Ruth had sighed in relief when Howard assured them that the week in bed would be the best medicine and there would be no lasting damage.  She’d received the all clear this afternoon, and was finally allowed out of bed.  Even Ruth was surprised at how good her back felt after a week of complete bed rest. 

She was already lying in bed when Jarrod entered their room after having checked on the children across the hall before joining her.  He gathered his night clothes and was turning to leave when her sultry voice stopped him cold, “I don’t think you’ll be needing clothes tonight.”

Jarrod’s eyes lit up and he couldn’t mask his surprise or the slight blush in his face. “Um...uh.”

“Are you actually speechless?” laughed Ruth.

He shot her a one-sided grin, “Only briefly my dear, only briefly.” He moved to the bed and began undressing, his actions slow and deliberate as he spoke to her, “Are you sure you’re up to this?”

Ruth smiled and teased, “Are you?”

Laughing, Jarrod teased back, “Oh I assure you, I am up to the task.”

Her eyes took in every bit of his muscular frame as he took off his clothes and she smiled, “That is some rather compelling evidence, Counselor.”

Kneeling on the bed, Jarrod lay atop her, but kept his weight off her. “Do you like that? I’ve been wondering how to make a case for myself and here you are stealing my thunder.”

“Pity. Stop talking.”  

“I’m afraid that it’s going to be a rather short case in any event.”  Jarrod was trailing kisses down her neck and she shivered at his touch.

“You have all night to perfect your technique. Stop talking!” Ruth could feel her skin flush with desire and when Jarrod covered her mouth in a searing kiss, she was lost.  His tongue pushed for entrance and he explored her mouth with reckless abandon as his hands reached for the hem of her nightgown.  All playfulness aside, Jarrod broke for air and breathed huskily in her ear, “I wanted this to be special, but I need you so much. To feel all of you.”

Ruth’s own desires were screaming for attention and she wanted him as badly as he wanted her, “Please Jarrod...you can...be a gentleman...later!”

Already lost to his own needs, Jarrod barely acknowledged her with a sigh. “Hmmm.”  

They pressed closer wanting to feel each other, desperate for what they’d been missing in their relationship.  It was as if Jarrod had been gone on a trip and suddenly he was back, his memories and love intact.  They’d slipped back into their comfort zones with each other with no hesitation and no awkwardness. To them it was as it had been before Jarrod lost his memories. Ruth’s convalescence had put a damper on any real loving and long suppressed desires surfaced with her release from Howard’s care. 

Jarrod’s hands worked her gown upward, caressing her soft skin as he pushed the offending garment out of his way.  He groaned with desire as Ruth arched upward, straining for more contact.  Breathless with desire, Jarrod dropped his head to her heaving breast, eyeing her flesh anxiously. His tongue and mouth latched on to her taut peak and ravaged the sensitive tip until Ruth was writhing beneath him, causing his throbbing shaft to swell painfully. His hips moved of their own accord, thrusting into her thigh, aching to enter her silken channel.  Rolling her free nipple between his thumb and forefinger he sucked and nipped at the other. Ruth’s panting gasps threatened to send him over the edge and he slipped his free hand to his pulsing flesh, guiding it to her moist center.  As his hardness touched her opening, Ruth moaned with desire and pushed against him. Jarrod was gasping for air, needing to be inside her and in one hard thrust he buried himself deeply into her warm tunnel. He lay above her struggling to gain some control of his desire when Ruth’s voice broke through his concentration, “Please!”

Dropping his elbows to either side of her, Jarrod’s pumped his hardness into her with a need born of desperation.  Ruth met him thrust for thrust and wrapping her legs around his waist, he felt himself slip even further into her depths.  The tip of his crown brushed her cervix with each forward thrust and he knew that his time was up.  Reaching between them, his fingers circled her tiny bundle of nerves and he prayed she was ready.  Her inner muscles began to quiver, tightening their hold on his pulsing shaft and he felt his own release begin.  Ruth stiffened beneath him and bit down hard to keep from screaming, her desire for him held in check for too many months. It all came rushing to the surface and she shuddered uncontrollably, his name torn from her lips in the final moment of passion.  Jarrod pounded into her once more, burying himself as deep as he could then let his control go and filled her with essence until he had nothing left to give.  Dropping his weight on top of her, he took several breaths of air before he found the strength to even speak.  Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her with him as he rolled to his back and spoke with a but a throaty whisper, “I’m sorry for ever forgetting what we had Ruth. I’ve missed so much.” Lifting his hand, he cupped her cheek and stared into her brown depths, “I love you. I’m sorry that wasn’t more romantic but I promise to make it up to you.”

Ruth leaned into his touch and closing her eyes at the warmth of his hand, sighed contently, “I’m just glad you are you again. I’ve missed you so much. I was worried we’d never have what we once did.” Tears of joy and sadness gathered in her eyes, joy for what was and sadness of what could have been.

His thumb caressed away her tears, and pulling her down to meet his lips, Jarrod’s touch was light and teasing as he said huskily, “I think now that we’ve gotten that out of the way I can make it a little more enjoyable for you.”

Shaking her head, Ruth chuckled, “I assure you that was quite enjoyable the first time, but if you think you can do better, then far be it for me to stop you.”

It was over two hours before they once again lay side by side, Jarrod’s arm wrapped around Ruth as she snuggled into his side.  Laying quietly, enjoying the closeness, Ruth finally broke the silence, “Did you and Nick have a chance to talk?”

“I suppose you could call it a talk. He wasn’t very forthcoming with information.” His tone reflected his frustration as he recalled their earlier conversation.

Ruth sighed, but quickly came to Nick’s defense, knowing how hard it was for him to speak about the time in Oregon, “He’s trying Jarrod. He thinks you’ll blame him for not doing more.”

“I know my brother. I also know he would do anything to protect not only me but anyone else in this family. It’s what Nick does. Why would I think he wouldn’t do the same for me?”

“We’re just trying to save you from the pain of it all.” Rolling closer, Ruth used his chest to support herself as she tried to get him to see it differently, “What would you think if Keller showed up tomorrow and began torturing you all over again? If you had to go through it all a second time.”

Jarrod lay motionless, but Ruth could see his breathing increase and the sweat form on his brow as he tried to find words. It was more of a rhetorical question, designed to make him think, not necessarily to make him answer.  She rescued him from the discomfort her question had caused. “Just the thought of it terrifies you, doesn’t’ it?”  When Jarrod nodded reluctantly, Ruth continued, “You are asking Nick to tell you exactly how that terror manifested itself and he can’t do it. Maybe in time his own nightmares will fade and it’ll get easier.  Right now he’s having to hold on to all of it. And do you know why?”  When Jarrod shook his head, Ruth looked him in the eye and spoke with barely contained emotions, “He doesn’t want you to have to relive it again. If by chance you remember it on your own I can guarantee that he will be beside you every step of the way to help in any way he can, but to have to force those memories on you and see you hurt...well, he just can’t do that.”

“I suppose,” said Jarrod, unconvinced.

“Please Jarrod, you know how he is.  He wants everyone, you included, to think he’s a tough guy.”

Unwittingly, Ruth made Jarrod smile and he snorted, “Nick is probably the most sensitive person I know.”

A gentle hand on Jarrod’s chest, Ruth replied, “You wouldn’t cause him unnecessary pain if you could avoid it, he’s doing the same thing.”

This time, Jarrod’s response was more convincing, “You’re right of course.” He leaned down and kissed her forehead, “But then you always are.  I should tell that brother of mine what a strong defender he has in you.”

Ruth slapped his chest in feigned anger, “Don’t you dare. He’d think I like him and what fun would I have teasing him.”

Jarrod grinned, thinking that Nick already knew what Ruth thought of him.  He never would have confided in her if he didn’t think so highly of his sister-in-law.  They teased and snipped at one another, but deep down they had a deep respect from each other, something they tried to laugh away but it was all too obvious to the rest of the family.  Jarrod lifted up and turned down the light then spooned behind her, completely relaxed and ready for some much needed sleep, when Ruth spoke up once again. “You’ll talk to him tomorrow?”

Smiling at her tenacity, Jarrod sighed, “Yes...I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”

“Thank you.”  Ruth’s voice sounded sleepy and as she drifted off she whispered softly, “I love you.”

Snuggling closer, he drew her closer and whispered back, “I love you too.”

True to his word, Jarrod spoke with Nick and they both felt some of the tension lift between them.  Nick didn’t worry so much about withholding information and Jarrod wasn’t expecting answers Nick couldn’t give him, at least not yet anyway.  Maybe with time he’d remember on his own and he tried not to dwell on what he couldn’t remember.  Instead he focused on his family and how best to protect them from the madman that still lurked at their boundaries. 

Chapter 32

It had been weeks since anyone on the ranch had spotted Keller.  A few hands had seen him at distance early on, but despite their best efforts he’d managed to elude them each time.  Jarrod refused to let his family out of his sight, especially after moving them back home.  The only consolation he offered the family was the four men Nick hired to watch them around the clock.  It was a nuisance to have them around, but Jarrod inwardly admitted it took some of the strain off his own vigilance.  Sleep was a novelty lately and the struggle to protect his family was wearing him down both physically and emotionally. The thought of Keller using his family again terrified him, but even worse was the fear of being taken himself. 

Sitting in the kitchen, sipping on his second cup of coffee, Jarrod was pulled from his thoughts by Ruth’s voice, “Did J.T. wake up last night? I didn’t hear him.”

Jarrod nodded wearily, “He woke up about four. He was sleeping again by the time I got to him.”

“Maybe he’s finally getting over it,” said Ruth hopefully. Ever since he’d seen Keller, the boy’s nightmares had returned and only in the last few days had they slacked off.  Jarrod was taking the brunt of sleepless nights, insisting Ruth rest while he took care of their son.   It’s not like he was sleeping all that well anyway so it wasn’t a too great a sacrifice to let Ruth sleep.  His lack of sleep was reflected in his haggard appearance and this morning was no different.  

Jarrod looked at Ruth, “He’s angry with me again.”

Ruth didn’t need to ask why. Ever since their returned home, Jarrod had been adamant about limiting everyone’s activities to the house. If they did go outside he insisted on being present, no matter what the circumstances.  Even with posted guards not ten yards from the house, Jarrod was taking no chances. J.T. wanted to go out and play but was delegated to playing on the porch until after breakfast.  He was quite familiar with the now standard rule, but didn’t like one minute of the restrictions.  Blaming his father, he sat on the front steps pouting and thinking how unfair it all was.

It was there that Heath and Nick encountered the boy when they rode up a half hour later.  Dismounting, J.T.’s uncles barely even got a nod of recognition from the boy.  Heath put one foot on the step and leaned onto his knee, looking J.T. square in the eye, “You look mighty sad there, little man.  You get in trouble again?”

J.T. looked down and shook his head, his voice forlorn, “No.”

Heath looked at Nick curiously, who shrugged and asked, “What ya got planned for the day, J.T.?”

“Nothin’,” grumbled the boy, still not too enthused with talking to anyone.

Nudging Nick, Heath asked, “Ya reckon he’d wanna go fishin’ with us, Nick? Course he’d have ta cheer up some.”

The youngster’s eyes widened and his face brightened. He leaped to his feet with excitement then just as suddenly he plopped back down on the step crestfallen.  Almost in tears, J.T. shook his head, “Papa ain’t gonna let me go.” 

Nick and Heath were puzzled by his reaction and questioned him, “Now why do ya say that? You said ya wasn’t in trouble. No reason then ya can’t go do some fishin’.”

J.T. continued to shake his head, “Papa don’t let us even leave the house ‘less’n he’s with us. Ain’t no way he’s gonna let me go fishin’.”

Heath ruffled the boys hair on his way up the steps. “How ‘bout you leave the convincing to us?”

“Ya mean it. Ya really think you can talk him into it?”

Nick was already at the front door, ready to confront his older brother when he turned back to reassure the youngster, “We’ll do our best, boy. Besides we plan on takin’ him too.”

Bursting up the steps, J.T. hugged his uncles. He was going to follow them in, excited to tell his father they were going fishing, but changed his mind.  Maybe he outta just stay outside so they could talk Papa into it without him.  Settling on the steps he watched the door anxiously and the more worried he got that they might not get to go.  Papa wasn’t feeling so good lately. He moped around the house and was always so serious.  He never played no more and he was always nervous lookin’ like he was afraid a somethin’.  J.T. knew the badman Keller was the reason, but no one had seen him in a long time. Besides ain’t nobody gonna hurt him as long as Uncle Heath and Uncle Nick were around, so what could a day a fishin’ hurt.  Yep, they’d be safe and Papa was gonna let him go, he was sure of it.  His face lost it’s melancholy and he smiled as he envisioned a day with the grownups.

 

“Whatta ya mean you can’t go?!” hollered Nick, frustrated that Jarrod was being so stubborn.

Jarrod’s answer was simple. “I’m not leaving Ruth and the children here alone.”

“They won’t be alone, I’ll leave the men here.  Me and Heath will be with you and J.T.. They’ll be safe here, the men won’t let anything happen.”

Ruth stepped forward, and nodded for her brother’s-in-law to wait outside. Jarrod took one look at her and said defensively, “I’m not leaving you here by yourself.”

Her hand rested lightly on his forearm as she spoke, “We’ll be perfectly fine. The men are right outside and I can work on the garden when you get home.  Besides, your son could use some time with his father.”

“That’s unfair,” sighed Jarrod, his arguments fading.

Smiling warmly, Ruth added, “I know. Let your brothers take over for a bit and just let yourself relax for the day.” 

Jarrod knew he was fighting a losing battle and finally relented. “Fine, but any fish I catch, you are cleaning!”

Joining him as he grabbed his hat and gunbelt, Ruth gave him a light kiss on the cheek, “A small price to pay if you enjoy yourself.”

Wrapping his arm around her, he pulled her close. “I don’t like leaving you. Please stay in the house. I’ll be back this afternoon and I’ll help you with the garden then.”

“We’ll stay in the house. Just enjoy the time away from all of it.”

Nodding reluctantly, Jarrod sighed, “I’ll try.”

 

Several hours later, Jarrod had to admit that he felt better than he had in weeks and J.T. was having a great time.  He had his uncles full attention, but it was his father that he stayed the closest to.  Nick and Heath fished a ways upstream but still in sight of Jarrod. They were enjoying the time as well, but remained vigilant in guarding their brother and nephew.   It was a wonderful day and the stream was clear and cool.  The trout were biting and they would all be taking fish home for supper. 

Nick threw out his line and teased his younger brother, “You’re gonna owe me ten bucks.”

Heath sneered at him, “Day ain’t over yet.”

“I’m three up on ya. The money is as good as mine,” laughed Nick.  He turned to holler at Jarrod, smiling as he opened his mouth to boast his good luck, when he was stopped cold by the ominous click from the bushes at his and Heath’s back.  With a cautious sideways glance, he knew that Heath had heard it too.  Both men tried to ease their hand to their guns when they heard the whispered voice demanding their attention, “Keep yer hands off the guns, gentlemen. I don’t want no trouble.”

Ceasing their actions, they stood stock still, fearful for Jarrod and J.T. who were fishing a mere ten yards away.  “Now real slow like, I want you to remove yer guns and throw ‘em on the bank.”

Jarrod stood upstream, watching his brother’s curiously when he suddenly realized they were throwing out their guns.  His heart raced and he tried to hold back the increasing fear as he leaned over and spoke to J.T. in a hushed tone, “I want you to listen to me, son.  Put your rod down and very slowly move back into the bushes.  Once you’re outta sight I want you to find a place to hide. I don’t want you coming out until me or one of your Uncles call for you.”

J.T. didn’t argue, but asked in a whisper, “Is it the bad man?”

Nodding, Jarrod kept his eyes on his brothers but cast a furtive glance into the bushes at their back, but couldn’t see anyone. “Do what you’re told and don’t come out, no matter what. You hear me?”

It was hard to see the fear in J.T.’s eyes and still have to push him away, but his safety was more important at the moment.  J.T. set his pole down and slipped into the bushes just as his Uncles were ushered towards Jarrod.  He sat in the bushes watching when his father’s voice gave a stern hiss, “Go!”

Jarrod’s hand went to draw his gun when he too was stopped by the voice in the bushes, “Throw the gun away, Counselor. I don’t want no gun play.”  At the sound of his voice, Jarrod’s blood ran cold.  His heart raced, his breathing increased and he began trembling against his will as his body broke out in a heavy sweat.  Jarrod stood frozen unable to even move as images flashed through his mind, and the fear overtook him.  Shaking his head, he tried to clear away the haze that crept into his periphery, distorting his field of view.  Nick and Heath approached but he could no longer see or hear anything but the terrifying images in his head and haunting voice that tormented him.  Hands reached out to him, but he was unaware they were the comforting hands of his brothers and he shrugged out of there grasp, panting and fearful.  His lungs constricted and he took great heaving breaths of air, trying to fight the rising terror that the images brought. 

Keller watched from a distance, reliving the shame he’d thought he left behind that fateful day in the mine.  His voice was soft and remorseful as he begged for forgiveness, “I’m not here to hurt you, I promise.” Jarrod dropped to the ground and was falling apart before Keller’s very eyes. He cried out in  desperation, his anguish very clear,  “I’m sorry for doin’ what I did. I wanted you to suffer like my sister did, but I didn’t realize what it did to me in the process. I became like the man that tortured her. You...you was only doin’ what you thought was right. Please... please... oh god, please forgive me!”

Nick and Heath knelt beside Jarrod listening to Keller repent his sins against their brother knowing he was beyond hearing. He was diminished to the same state they’d seen him after his torture in the mine and as before they were helpless against the demons that raged inside him.  If that wasn’t enough, they watched in horror as young J.T. snuck out of the bushes down stream, picked up one of their discarded guns and crept back into the bushes.

Chapter 33

Tim Keller slowly eased out of the bushes, his gun trained on the men before him.  He had no intention of hurting anyone, he’d gone that route and paid the price.  The gun was for protection and to maintain some control over the situation.  He’d wanted to get Jarrod Barkley alone, but the man had made his final mission impossible.   This morning, just like every other morning, he tracked the lawyer and yet again he had companions.  When they left the house and ended up fishing, Keller decided that it was now or never. Worn and weary, he made his move.  His plans were thrown awry once more when his target crumbled before him, seemingly unable to accept his apologies.  It was unexpected and ate away at his already guilty conscience.  Jarrod Barkley was barely hearing his pleas and the other one, Nick was casting evil daggers into his soul. The third man, Heath he thought, was concentrating on Jarrod and his calm was unsettling considering the circumstances.  He’d changed, but they were still carrying the effects of his misguided revenge and he needed to make amends.  There was no turning back and he lifted his gun to insure he had the time he needed.  Pointing the barrel at Jarrod he spoke to Nick, “Take his gun out, real slow like and toss it over here.”

Nick reached for Jarrod’s pistol, his heart aching when his brother flinched at the slightest contact.  Leaning against Heath, Jarrod was lost to them again, cowering at the slightest touch or sound now. Anger built inside Nick and he would not go through this again. Determination exploded from within and flinging the gun at Keller, Nick launched himself at the man, uncaring of his own safety. His demons were set on killing the man that had caused so much turmoil in his older brother’s life. It would end here and it would end now! This time he would do whatever it took to stop Jarrod’s torture, he would no longer be a helpless pawn in Keller’s plans.

Keller was caught off guard by Nick’s attack, and the two men were thrown to the ground by Nick’s momentum.  Nick’s hands were around his throat in an instant, intent on squeezing the life out him.  The two men struggled in the dirt for several minutes, Nick’s hand tightening with every moment that passed.  Although he could have taken Nick easily, something in Tim Keller gave up and he let the smaller man vent his anger.  As his life was slowly ebbing away, Keller realized this was what he wanted, what he needed to finally be rid of his own demons.  This was a way out of the misery he’d caused.  Maybe in death he could be free of the evilness he’d created. An evilness he loathed more and more with each passing day, but was forced to live with as a penance for his past deeds.  He was what he hated most, but he had no one to blame but himself.  Welcoming the encroaching darkness, Keller barely processed the gun click and was disappointed when the hands at his neck lost their hold and he could breath.  Opening his eyes, he blinked several times and tried to make sense of what he was seeing.  As his vision cleared, he was shocked to see the boy, J.T. holding a very shaky gun on him. 

Nick rolled off of Keller in alarm, forgetting everything but the boy that stood before them.  His voice was soft and breathy from his struggles, “J.T., put the gun down, son.”

J.T. shook his head, his tear filled eyes never leaving Kellers as he spoke, “I ain’t gonna let him take Papa.”

Reaching out, Nick tried again but J.T. backed up, not willing to relinquish the gun, “Come on, J.T. this ain’t the way. He ain’t gonna hurt your Papa. I promise.”

Before J.T. could argue, it was Keller that chimed in, “He’s right boy. I’m not here to hurt your Pa. I came to apologize for what I done.”

Frowning at what he was hearing, the six-year-old was clearly confused, “Why?”

Keller’s eyes grew distant and his voice filled with despair as he tried to atone for his sins, “I thought I needed to do it for Amy, but that wasn’t it at all..  I couldn’t be there to stop her torture. I needed to blame somebody. What I did to your Pa was wrong, I know that now, but I can’t take it back.”  Dropping his head, Keller’s voice wavered as he continued, “God, how I wish I could. I ain’t proud of what I did.” He looked at Jarrod, “To him...” then at Nick, “to you...” then his gaze fell back on J.T., “and especially you boy. None of ya deserved what I done to ya.  I made a mistake. An unforgivable one.”

Looking J.T. in the eye, he tried to reason with him, “You need to put the gun down. Don’t take your anger out on me, even though that seems the best way right now. Be like your Pa over there. He’s a much better man than I’ll ever be.  I thought that by making him suffer like my sister did, he’d crack like she did, but he didn’t.  He came out of it stronger than ever and I resented him for that. I hated that he could be so much better than me.  I only wanted to break him down...” His voice dropped as he continued, “only that didn’t take away the pain either, only made me realize I’d become just like the man who hurt my sister. I was just as sick and demented as he was, only difference was I had a choice about who I was, he didn’t.  I coulda stopped at any time, but I let my hatred take over. Don’t let your hatred eat ya up boy. Put the gun down.”

J.T. arm was getting tired holding up the gun, and he was torn between his fear and the man’s words.  He knew he’d be in a heap of trouble for the gun, but he only wanted his papa safe.  He didn’t want to see the fear anymore. He wanted his Papa back the way he was before this bad man took him away.  Taking a one hand off the gun, he quickly wiped away the tears that were blurring his vision. He looked at Keller and yelled in frustration, “I WANT MY PAPA BACK!”

All eyes turned sharply to the quiet voice that filled the silence, “J.T.?” Jarrod sat up, and looked around in confusion, still trembling from the images that seemed to assemble into order in his mind. His subconscious heard what is going on and he knew he had to get through to J.T.. Calling his name instinctively, he was comforted by the little arms that wrapped around his neck. He wanted to offer some reassurance, but his mind was awhirl with images and emotions.  He could see the mine clearly and the events played out in sequence, not the normal jumble of mixed signals.  He sat terrified as the final scene rushed up at him, but this time he saw more than his own fear, he saw Keller. Saw the man’s remorse...saw him put an end to his suffering with a single gunshot to Pete’s head. He struggled away from the fear and could sense J.T. in his arms and his brother’s at his side but something held him back. He wanted to get back, needed to get back for J.T.

His moment of reflection was shattered as another single gunshot pierced the silence.

Jarrod calling out for J.T. had focused all their attention on him and Keller watched as J.T. hurriedly handed the gun to his uncle and rushed to his father, settling firmly in his lap. Nick had given Keller a quick glance, then joined J.T. at Jarrod’s side.  Heath helped Jarrod sit up, and they all waited for some sign that he was coming around.  Keller took it all in, guilt rising up as he’d watched the fear in Jarrod Barkley’s eyes.  His brother’s held him tight and his son cried in his arms, and it was time for Tim Keller to free them all from the demons that he’d created. Demons that only he could free. It wouldn’t make up for the damage he’d inflicted, but it would at least be a starting point and they had proved themselves worthy of the challenge. Unlike his family, these people deserved a chance to live without the demons that haunted his soul.  Very slowly he’d reached for his discarded gun and without pause he swallowed the muzzle and ended what never should have been.  

Jerked back to awareness, Jarrod Barkley knew without a doubt that he was finally free.

Chapter 34

J.T.’s emotions burst out and he sobbed in his father’s arms, “I’m sorry Papa... I shouldn’t... of touched... the gun. I just... wanted it ta... stop. I didn’t... want him... takin’ ya away again.”

“You didn’t shoot it...that’s all that matters.”

Jarrod sat with J.T. in his lap, a numbness washing over him.  Looking over to where Keller lay dead on the ground, he worried about J.T. seeing the grisly site.  Everything seemed to come at him at once and he felt his tenuous hold on his control beginning to slip away.  The reality of what had happened in Oregon struck him and he fought against the rising humiliation and shame.  He held J.T. until the boy finally quit crying. Jarrod looked at Heath, and nodded toward Keller’s body to draw attention to it, then spoke  softly to his son, “J.T., why don’t you go with your Uncle Heath and gather up the fish and take em home to Mama.”

Tears welled up in the youngster’s eyes, “I don’t wanna go Papa. I don’t want the bad man gettin' ya again.”

Heath stood up and placed himself between Keller and the boy, protecting him from the gruesome scene. “The bad man won’t be hurting any one any more J.T.. He’s gone for good now.”

J.T. remembered the gunshot and  tried to peek around his uncle.  Heath gently reached out and pulled him closer,  blocking his view. “Ain’t nothing for a youngun ta see. You come with me and yer Uncle Nick will bring yer Pa home.

Looking up at his Uncle, J.T. asked, “Is he dead?”

Heath nodded, “Yeah, he’s dead J.T.”

“Good!” J.T. never even blinked, but turned towards the water and started collecting the fish. Heath hurried to help and so they could get them away from the scene.  He wanted badly to stay and help with Jarrod, but it was probably better that Nick stayed. Maybe he and Jarrod could help each other now that the nightmare was truly over. The healing could finally begin, and Nick needed it just as badly as Jarrod did.  Besides, J.T. needed to understand that while he thought he may have been doing the right thing, he went about it the wrong way.  

 

Nick waited for them to move away to retrieve a saddle blanket to cover what was left of Keller.  He quickly returned to Jarrod and helped him to his feet. “Come on, Big Brother. Let’s get you home.”

Standing up, Jarrod’s legs threatened to buckle and Nick wrapped a supporting arm around him.  Flinching at Nick’s closeness, Jarrod’s hands trembled as he pried his brother’s hands away. “Please Nick. Don’t touch me right now,” said Jarrod, quietly. 

Nick stepped back but asked with concern, “You alright?”

Jarrod dropped his head, suddenly ashamed to look his brother in the eye. Turning,  he walked away, but Nick followed, “What is it Jarrod?”

“Nothing.”

Very carefully, Nick gently touched his brother’s arm to stop him, then removed it when he had Jarrod’s attention, “Tell me what’s goin’ on in that head of yours.”

Shaking his head, Jarrod sighed, “It’s nothing Nick.” His eyes never looking up as he spoke.

“Don’t tell me it’s nothing, you won’t even look at me.”  Approaching the horses, Jarrod grabbed his gear and began saddling his horse. Not so easily ignored, Nick persisted, his worry growing, “Please Jarrod, I can see something is eatin’ at you.”

When Jarrod lifted his head, Nick was startled by the pain in his brother’s eyes.  Jarrod tried to look at him, but couldn’t maintain eye contact and he fiddled with his saddle as he spoke, his voice wavering on the edge of control, “When we were in the mine... I’m sorry... I couldn’t... I tried... but...” His voice broke and he cried, “It was... too much.” His hands slipped off the saddle and Nick grabbed him before he could fall and lowered him to his knees.  Nick was puzzled by Jarrod’s admission and he replayed it over and over, recognition finally dawning.

Holding Jarrod at arm’s length, he questioned, “You remember it don’t you?”

Shrugging from Nick’s grasp, Jarrod’s shame was so much that he needed to get away, but Nick wasn’t going to let it go this easily. He’d waited months to shed his own shame over it all.  Scrambling after Jarrod, Nick realized that Heath and J.T. were nowhere in sight and was thankful they were already gone.  He found Jarrod leaning against a tree, his forearm raised above his head with his forehead resting against it. His breathing was rapid and Nick thoughtfully kept his hands to himself fearing Jarrod wouldn’t respond well to touch right now.  Instead, turning his back to the tree, he slid down the trunk and began speaking, “I’m sorry for not listening to ya. I didn’t realize, even then, that Keller could be so vindictive. I tried ta stop him, but he only made it worse for ya whenever I did anything. God, Jarrod, I’d have done anything not to have ya go through that. If I hadn’t been there he wouldn’t have... it might not have been so bad for ya.”

Turning, Jarrod sat down, leaning his back into the tree opposite Nick. His heart was heavy, but hearing Nick’s anguish brought out the big brother in him and he instinctively tried to ease his mind. “There was nothing you could of done, Nick,” sighed Jarrod.  He wanted to say more, but it was hard to bring up what was so fresh in his mind and yet he needed to reassure Nick that his presence in the mine wasn’t a bad thing. “What you did for me there, how you took care of me... well, I thank you, Nick.” He hesitated, then added very quietly, “I’m sorry you had to do that. I shoulda been tougher...”

Nick couldn’t help but snort, “Tougher! Jeez Jarrod, how much tougher do ya think you coulda been?” Silence descended on them for a long time, both of them lost in their own thoughts when Nick finally asked with a dreaded reluctance, “Do you remember... all of it?”

Glancing at Nick only briefly, Jarrod dropped his head and nodded.  His hands shook and he felt the sweat running down his face as he thought of those final moments in the mine.  Nick worried for Jarrod and how he was dealing with the memories that for so long had been kept locked away.  As badly as he needed absolution from his brother, now was not the time to pursue it.  Jarrod needed time to come to terms with it all first and only then would Nick be able to shed the last of his demons.

Struggling not to drop a comforting hand on Jarrod’s shoulder, Nick pulled his knees up and leaned heavily into the tree as he began speaking, hoping he could calm his older brother. “I wish I had all them fancy words to make this easier, but I don’t.  I do know that what they did to ya was wrong. I just...” Nick turned towards Jarrod and his voice dropped as he spoke softly, “All them things they done to ya. It don’t make you less a man if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Jarrod looked at Nick in surprise, wondering when his younger brother had become so astute at reading him.  Nick dropped his head, and stared out over the water, answering the unspoken question, “I was there too.”

Both men were quiet for several moments before Nick began speaking again, “I used to get so mad at you over the water thing, you know that?” Jarrod nodded, remembering all the times Nick had shouted in frustration over his stubbornness when it came to water. “I never could understand it, not ‘til we were in that mine that is.” Taking off his hat, Nick fiddled with the brim as he continued, “I wish I could take back all them times I yelled at ya over it and teased ya about those lily white hands...You didn’t deserve it big brother.  What you went through...I don’t know a man that could have held up like you did.”

“I didn’t...he broke me,” said Jarrod in a strangled whisper.

Nick never hesitated as he spoke with pride for the man beside him, “But you came back. You found a way to beat it.”

Shaking his head, Jarrod sighed, “I don’t know if I’ll ever get back what he took from me.  I’m a different man than I was seven years ago.”

“I don’t think any man can go through what you went through and not change. It don’t make you any less of a man.  Ain’t none of us ever gone be the same. I just wish I coulda done more,” said Nick sadly.

Shock and events were catching up to Jarrod and his voice wavered a little, “I didn’t have Ruth this time around... It was you that helped me hold on in between the beatings and everything.  You took care of me when I couldn’t do it anymore.  You never once turned away in disgust.” Nick began to protest and reaching out a shaky hand, Jarrod rested it on in his brother’s knee. “You could have. The fact that you didn’t, meant more than I can ever say, Nick.” 

The hand on Nick’s knee meant more to him than any words ever could.  In the grand scheme of things, it was probably insignificant, but to Nick it spoke volumes.  It was a gesture of his brother’s trust, a sign he held no ill will nor harbored some hidden resentment. Jarrod’s words had been sincere and Nick felt a lightness he hadn’t known in months.  Noticing that Jarrod’s hand was trembling slightly, Nick knew that his help was no longer what Jarrod needed most. Tapping Jarrod lightly with his hat, he smiled warmly, “What do you say we get you home and let Ruth work her magic on you?”  Jarrod nodded and didn’t argue when Nick insisted he rest while the horses were saddled.

As they rode from the small clearing, they were unaware of the multitude of demons they left behind that day or the fact that those same demons carried Tim Keller’s dark soul on its journey to hell.

Chapter 35 Final

Ruth stood anxiously on the porch awaiting their arrival and could see her husband’s inner turmoil as soon as he and Nick rode into the yard.  Ruth had already sent the children off in the wagon with Heath, who’d offered to put them up for the night.  Jarrod tiredly dismounted and turned Jingo towards the barn.  Nick hurriedly joined his side and took the reins from his brother’s hands, “I got him, big brother. Why don’t you go talk to Ruth. She looks worried.”

Jarrod hadn’t missed his wife’s concern and gave Nick a quick pat on the back, “Thanks, Nick...” He paused for a moment and added quietly, “...for everything.”

“Go on. She’s about to burst,” Nick smiled, and as Jarrod turned to greet Ruth, he tipped his hat to his sister-in-law and could see some of her tension ease away.  He watched as she rushed out to meet Jarrod and the two of them embraced.  He found himself looking forward to getting home to his own family, knowing that everything would be alright now. It may take time for all to return to what it once was, but for now at least they had broken through the darkness and could see beyond to the light.

 

Holding tightly to Ruth, Jarrod looked around, “Where are the children?”

“Heath took them, I thought you might need some time. He told me what happened.”

Wrapping his arm around her waist, he pulled her into his side and led them into the house. “I just want to lie down. I’m so tired,” he said wearily.

Ruth helped him to their room and settled beside him on the bed.  When he flinched as her hand brushed his chest, she still it instantly, tears welling up at his reaction.  Pulling her hand away to ease his anxiety, she was surprised when his hand grasped hers and rested them both against his chest, “I’m sorry. It’s just going to take me some time. It’s all still a little fresh in my mind.”

Sitting above him, Ruth’s eyes widened as she looked down into his blue ones, “You remember?”

With a nod of his head, his own eyes filled and he gasped sharply, trying to control the flood of emotions he’d held back too long. Shifting on the bed, Jarrod rested his head in her lap and wrapping  his arms around her, he cried, “It’s over... Oh god, Ruth it’s finally over!”

“Shhh...we’ll talk more later. You need to rest.”

Jarrod needed to talk and everything came out in a rush. He told her all the things that he went through and they were both in tears as he cried at the shame and humiliation he suffered. He held nothing back, knowing his confession of the fear would be accepted and not diminish him in her eyes. She’d seen him at his worst and still she persisted in her love, this time would be no different. When he’d finally released it all, he slept, knowing too that she would be there when he awoke.

******************

Sixth months had passed since that fateful day and the entire family had gathered for a picnic after Sunday services.  Things were better but Jarrod still carried with him the lingering effects, and they all accepted that he would always have his irrational fear of water.  There was no more frustration over it, just a simple acceptance and helping hand when the eldest Barkley forgot his canteen.  One thing Nick and Jarrod did share was their hatred of beans.  The first time out on a trail drive together was something they would never forget and Heath watched helplessly as both his brothers sickened at the sight.  It was a long and meager trip after that, but their cook found rice to be a good alternative on the next trip and the men didn’t seem to mind as long as it filled their bellies.  Nick was happy to note he would never have to suffer through another plate of Heath’s beans since they all quit carrying the normal staple.  The fact that Jarrod wasn’t alone in his hatred of beans made it seem less insignificant and he got to the point where he could tease Heath right along with Nick.

There were times when something would trigger a memory and Jarrod would drift or his mood would change but between his brothers and Ruth it never lasted and the incidents became less frequent.  

Today Tess and Nick were playing tag with the younger children while Heath and Dora lay on a blanket, shooing the babies back to the middle as they tried to crawl to freedom.  Victoria sat nearby with Ruth and they watched as Jarrod walked hand in hand with J.T.  “How is he doing?”

Ruth smiled warmly as she took her eyes off of Jarrod to speak to her mother-in-law, “Better. I think just talking about it has helped a lot. That and knowing that you all see him in the same way you always did.  His biggest fear throughout has always been what you would think of him.”

“We’ll always love him,” defended Victoria, surprised that their love for Jarrod would ever be in question.

With a reassuring look, Ruth nodded, “He knows that.”

Looking at her grandson, Victoria wondered out loud, “And J.T., how is he doing? Have the nightmares stopped?”

“Just recently, Jarrod has been talking to him and they seem to be working through it together.” Ruth’s voice saddened as she continued, “He’s so serious all the time.  He’s lost his innocence. I’m surprised Jarrod was able to drag him from Emily or Jake. He watches them constantly.”

“Does he say why?”

Shaking her head, Ruth replied, “No. I think he’s afraid for them.  He doesn’t want them to go through what he did.” 

“I saw him playing with them earlier. He seemed to be enjoying himself.”

“Oh he does.  If you didn’t know J.T. you’d think he was being the perfect big brother.”

Victoria smiled, “Well, he’s always been a good big brother to them.”

Ruth chuckled, “But never perfect. He’s a loner by nature, likes to go off by himself. He refuses to leave them to go play on his own.”

“Do you think he’s afraid to be by himself?”

“No... he’ll go out by himself when they are napping but he’s right there when they wake up.”

“Perhaps he just needs time to accept that it’s not going to happen again.”

“Can any of us really be sure of that?” said Ruth, her eyes staring ahead and her voice distant.

Victoria followed Ruth’s gaze and watched as Jarrod and J.T. settled near the stream seemingly lost in conversation. Jarrod’s job was one that would always bring enemies and no one could promise that life would be completely safe and Victoria answered with sadness,  “No, I suppose not.”

 

Jarrod skipped stones into the water and J.T. watched carefully, mimicking his father’s actions. Smiling, Jarrod took the smaller hand in his own, and guided his motions explaining the fine art of skipping rock.  The two practiced and Jarrod didn’t miss J.T.’s occasional glances over his shoulder to find his siblings.  “You don’t have to watch them all the time, son.”

Embarrassed at having been caught, J.T. picked up another rock and plopped it in the water, “I don’t.”

Grabbing a small handful of his own rocks, Jarrod stared out over the water as he tossed in one after another, “I worry about them to ya know?”

J.T. looked at his father with surprise on his face, “Ya do?” It never occurred to him that he wasn’t the only one.

“Of course I do. It’s my job look out after all of you.”

“But...” J.T. realized instantly what he’d done and he cast his eyes downward.

Jarrod dropped the rocks in his hand and brushing the dirt from his hands, pulled J.T. into his lap. “But I didn’t protect you did I?  And you think that since I couldn’t protect you, I can’t protect your brother and sister? Is that it?”

J.T. nodded nervously, afraid to look his father in the eye and Jarrod sighed, “If I could go back and do it all differently, I would have done anything to keep Keller away from you. Sometimes things happen, and no matter what we do it’s not enough.”

Leaning into Jarrod, J.T. sighed, “I just don’t want it happening again.”

“I know you don’t. All I can promise is that I’ll do my best to make sure that it doesn’t.  Why don’t you let me worry about that and you just concentrate on being six.”

The youngster sat for a moment thinking and Jarrod could see the relief on J.T.’s face before he finally spoke, “It ain’t so bad Papa, I ain’t never really played with ‘em all that much and ya know what?”

“What son?”

J.T. giggled, “They can be pretty fun, if ya let ‘em.”

Jarrod grinned, happy to see some of his son’s normal mischievous nature, “Does this mean I get my job back?”

“I reckon, if ya don’t tell I like playin’ with ‘em.”

Sticking out his hand to J.T., they shook on the deal when Jarrod suddenly grabbed J.T. in a big bear hug and tickled him until he was breathless and begging for mercy. Seeing Ruth joining them with Emily and Jake in tow, he held J.T. down and teased loudly, “I could use some help here, J.T. wants to be tickled.”

Emily ran as fast as her legs would go and pounced on J.T., her little fingers not really very affective as she tried to tickle her brother, but J.T. feigned a laugh to appease her.  Ruth set Jake down and J.T. carefully lifted the infant in his arms and kissing his little belly, smiled in delight every time the baby giggled.  Ruth settled between Jarrod’s legs and leaned back into his chest, sighing contently when his strong arms wrapped around her.  Twisting her head around, she smiled at the look on Jarrod’s face. For the first time in a very long time, he seemed relaxed, as if he were really enjoying the day.

“You seem happy.”

Jarrod leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek, “I am. He’s going to be just fine.”

Ruth looked back at him again and smiled, “Oh Jarrod, I’m so glad.  What did he say?”

He glanced at J.T., who was trying to pretend he wasn’t listening, and winked, “It’s a secret.”

J.T. laughed and picking up Jake, turned to Emily, “Come on squirt, let’s go see if the ice cream is ready. I’ll race you.” 

Jarrod and Ruth both piped up in unison,  “Not with the baby!!” 

Jake thought it was fun to be jostled, but J.T. obediently slowed to a walk, pouting as he hollered at Emily, “That’s not fair!”

Emily turned to stick out her tongue, but tripped on her own feet and J.T. quickly caught up with her.  Setting Jake on his feet, he made sure she was okay and reaching out a hand helped her back up.  Jarrod and Ruth watched with pride at J.T.’s behavior. Being the big brother was something he would always be, but hopefully he could enjoy being six too.

“So?”

“So what?” teased Jarrod, knowing full well Ruth hated secrets.  She nudged him and he sobered, “He was afraid I wasn’t doing my job. Thought it was his job to protect them.”

“And?”

“I told him I would take over and he could go back to having fun.”

“That sounds too easy.”

Jarrod shrugged, “I think it was a big responsibility for one so young and he just needed permission to be a kid again.”

“Well as long as he’s back to being J.T.. I may regret this, but I’ve missed him.”

Laughing, Jarrod stood up and helped Ruth to her feet,  “I’m betting it won’t take longer than a day.”

Joining in Jarrod’s laughter, Ruth added her own two cents, “I’m betting it’s sooner than that. That boy does things just to antagonize me, I’m sure of it.”

Leaning forward, Jarrod pulled her close and kissed her firmly, “You wouldn’t have it any other way.”  

With a twinkle in her eye, Ruth smiled, “We’ll see.” She shook her head and thought it was a good thing J.T. was so good with his brother and sister because if she was correct, he would soon have another sibling to watch over. 

****************

A pair of eyes watched from a distance in the heavy underbrush, waiting for the right moment. The gun hand wavered as the silent conversation for control continued in the mind of the shooter...

“We come this far, you can’t back out now!”

“But it’s not right. He looks so happy.”

”You should be happy. Think of everything he took from you. We didn’t break you out of that place just so you could walk away. You owe us. You owe him.”

“What about what I want? If I do this, I’ll never be free. They’ll lock me up again. Please, don’t make me do this.”

“You’re not strong enough. We’ve protected you all this time. You need us. Do you want everything your brother did to be for nothing?  Does his work mean so little to you?”

The calm voice rose above the cacophony of voices that wanted redemption, “Look where it got him. I’m all that is left.”  The eyes drifted to the idyllic scene and they grew envious as they watched the man enjoy life, “He’s already been through so much, and yet he still has all that. Why can’t I?”

“What about the sacrifices your brother made? How can you walk away and let that one go free?”

With a deep reassuring breath, the watcher spoke with authority, “I never asked him to avenge me. I never asked him to do what he did.  I just want to go away and live my life as it should be.”  Glancing once more at Jarrod Barkley as he interacted with his family, the single voice would not be silenced. “He paid more than he ever should have, we both did. It’s time to leave it in the past and enjoy what life has left to us. It’s over.”  Amy Keller set aside the gun and with a parting glance she walked away, her demons were finally silent.

 

Epilogue

Seven months later a new Barkley entered the world and the proud father descended the stairs with babe in hand.  Everyone gathered around to take in the wonderful sight and Jarrod let them look before walking over to stand in front of his brother. With a warm smile he handed the tiny bundle over to Nick.

J.T. looked up at his father and tugged on his pant leg,  “What we gonna name him, Papa?”

Turning, he looked Nick in the eye and said proudly, “James Nicholas Barkley.” 

Nick couldn’t hide his surprise and he blinked back the tears that threatened. Unable to speak at such an honor, he simply nodded his gratitude and happily played the role of doting uncle knowing that nothing could spoil his glory.  Jarrod’s simple gesture was more than just a name, it was a symbol of the new bond they shared.  What they had endured together had made them stronger, and with it came a newfound respect for one another.   Heath had been there for him seven years ago, and Nick had stepped up more recently.  While they would never be the same, they had survived, each in their own way and they had never wavered from their responsibilities as brothers. They had been tested to the limits and found they could survive as long as they had family around them.

 

THE END