Personal Experiences with Bells and Facial Palsy
I do believe I owe the good people I met on the forum a debt of gratitude for getting me this far with their support and encouragement. I�ve made some good friends there and some even extend beyond the forum or chat. But I�d especially like to thank Carrie because had she not encouraged me to talk about the ugly stuff and listened, I really believe there were times I would have given up. I was so overwhelmed and I didn�t care if I lived or died. She recognized in me a need to turn inwards to myself (living in my head as my mom says) and she didn�t make me feel bad for needing to be that dark person in fact she encouraged it. Not many people get to see that side of me, and most of those that do find it extremely disturbing and will go till it passes, but Carrie let me wear the black veil when I needed and wear it without judgment.
A friend told me recently that he believes this experience has mellowed my personality and that I�m not as intense anymore. I can�t see that myself but I hope it�s true. I was trying to understand why this person is one of the few people in my non BP life that I can still enjoy being around and I think its because there are no expectations, no commitments and no pressures. If I feel up to hanging out and talking its cool, but if I�m having a down day or feeling bad and cant be around then that�s cool for him too. I so appreciate that.
I wish that I could end this by saying that I�ve reached some level of personal enlightenment but I haven�t gotten there yet so I�d be lying.
I�m still in a dark place, and still feeling like my feet have been bolted to the floor making me unable to move forward or even backwards, I am just stuck here forced to face my demons until I get it right. But I can say I am determined I will get through this and emerge a stronger person no matter what the outcome is for me.
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