- There are three people sitting in a bar. One is an American scientist, another is a Russian scientist, and the last one is a blonde.

The Russian says: "Russians are the best because we sent satellite into space first."

The American says proudly: "No, Americans are the best because we sent a man to the moon first."

The blonde smiles and says: "Well, blondes are the best because we'll be the first on the sun!"

The two scientists look at her and laugh, saying that there's no way to land on the sun without being incinerated. The blonde looks offended.

"We blondes aren't stupid you know. We'll go at night!!"

-A blonde came home one day and found her husband in bed with another woman. She looked at him and pulled out a handgun and pointed it at her temple.

Her husband looked at her and said:� No, honey, don't do it!!"

The blonde looked at him and said: "Don't worry, you're next".

-A man and a woman are driving in the country and they have an argument. Suddenly, they drive past a pigsty and the man gestures towards it. "Relatives of yours?" he asks the woman. "Yeah," she says,� in-laws"

-A man went up to God and asked him: "God, why did you make women so beautiful?" And God said, "so you'll be attracted to them" The man paused and said: "God, why did you make women so kind?" And God said, "so you'll be attracted to them" The man looked up and then said: "God, why did you make women so stupid??"

And God smiled and said, "so they'll be attracted to you!"

-There was this blonde, and she owned two horses, but try as she might, she couldn't tell them apart. So she trimmed the tail of one of the horses to make it look different. However, the other horse got its tail stuck in a barbed wire fence, and it was ripped to the same length as the other one's. She then trimmed the tip of one of the horse's ears, but the other one again got caught in a fence and the ear was ripped to the same size. She went on in this vein for a while, and finally went to her neighbor for help. She said:

"Hey neighbor, could you help me out?? No matter what I do, I can't tell my two horses apart!"

So the neighbor says, "Why don't you paint one of them??"

And the blonde says, "That�s a great idea!! But which one should I paint, the black one or the white one??"

-I'm not a blonde!! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition So-Cal dolls for the Southern California market:

> Irvine Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at The Irvine Spectrum. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired dog named Honey, and a cookie- cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

> Tustin Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately.

>Van Nuys Barbie
This recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a methlab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

>Santa Monica Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

> Fontana Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

> Newport Beach Barbie
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the beach house. Percocet prescription available.

Riverside Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Fontana Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.

> Laguna Beach Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but you if purchase two Laguna Beach Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

> Long Beach Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

> Rancho Santa Margarita Barbie
She's perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away working.

>City of Industry Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for City of Industry Barbie or Ken.

>West Hollywood Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts

There were two blondes walking in the woods. As they were walking one of them noticed some tracks on the ground. One stops the other one and says "Look deer tracks." The other goes "Those are not deer tracks those are bear tracks." So they fight about what they are and are not, and the next day the paper head lines read "Two Blondes Killed By Train".

There once was this blonde, and she was sitting at the table with her husband eating breakfast before he went to work. Out of the blue the blonde says, "Honey today while you�re at work I am going to paint the house." The husband says "No, no dear don't paint the house because then when I come home from work I will just have to clean everything up, just please don't do it." So the husband went to work and when he came home the house smelled like paint. Then he went up to their bedroom, and he saw his wife laying on the floor with 2 coats on and sweating to death. He ran over to her and said, "Honey, honey what's wrong why on earth are you sweating to death?" She got up and grabbed the paint cane, went over to her husband and said, "Well look at the can dummy, it says for best results put on 2 coats!"

There is a brunette and 11 blondes hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope would break if one of them didn't let go and they would all fall to their deaths. The Brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself for the others. At the end of the speech the blondes all clap.

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My goodness!" the trooper exclaimed "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

There were three girls, a blonde, a brunette and a red head and the were at the doctors office because they had all gotten pregnant. As they were sitting there talking, the brunette said "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top". The red head said "Well I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom." The blonde started crying hysterically and the other two girls asked "What's wrong?" The blonde said "Oh no I'm going to have puppies!"

Two blondes were waiting at the Pearly Gates and struck up a conversation. First blonde says "How did you die?" Second says "I froze to death". First blonde says "Must have been awful." Second blonde says "How did you die?" First blonde says "I had a heart attack, I knew my husband was being unfaithful so I came home unexpectedly one day and rushed to the bedroom and found my husband alone reading. I rushed to the basement and nobody was hiding there, I rushed to the attic and still no one, and after all that rushing around I had a heart attack and died." Second blonde says, "If only you'd looked in the freezer we'd both still be alive."

One day, a blonde walked into a bar. The bartender asked her what her drink would be and she told him. She then asked him to turn the 6 a'clock news on. Doing so, the news showed a man on the golden gate bridge threatening to put an end to his life. The redhead next to her also watching, offered a bet to the blonde that the man would eventually jump. The blonde jumped at the opportunity and said a definite yes. About 7 minutes later the man plunged to his death. The redhead was claiming her 50$ dollar prize when she confessed "I can't accept this, I saw this story at 12 o'clock. I knew what would happen". The blonde replied "Yes you can, I saw the same story at 12, but I thought he had learned his lesson this time!"

There once was a blonde, brunette and a red head. They all heard a story that if you told a lie to a mirror that it would suck you up. So, they all try it. The brunette goes first. She says, "I think that I am the prettiest girl in the world!" She gets sucked up. Then the red head goes next, she says, "I think that I am the prettiest girl in the world!" She gets sucked up. The blonde goes next and says, "I think..." She gets sucked up.

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!" Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER! "NO," the blonde yelled back,"IT'S A SCARF!"

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. "While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally, a smart blonde joke!

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here." The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde."

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are being chased by the police. They run down a street and each one climbs up a nice, densely foliaged tree. The police officer looks up the first tree, where the brunette is hiding, and he says �Is anyone up there?� and the brunette goes �Tweet, tweet.� The officer thinks it�s a bird and goes to the second tree, where the redhead is hiding. He says �is anyone up there?� and the redhead goes �Meow, meow.� The officer thinks it�s a cat, so he goes to the third tree, where the blonde is hiding, and goes �is anyone up there?� and the blonde says �Tree, tree�

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� Tasha Kahn

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