| THE SUPERHERO MANIFESTO I fly over my city. A great place, with a booming economy, a huge population, and a skyrocketing pollution rating. Added to that, the enormous amount of crime that perpatrates the populace. These poor unknowing citizens could get robbed, mugged, or even killed at any moment, yet they still go on with their happy lives. Awsome the power of human denial. Either way, that's why I'm here. I save all those people who can't save themselves. And not surprising is the fact that I find a crime being committed. A poor old lady being robbed by a man with a nylon stocking on his head. Funny how these guys think that a nylon sock will hide their face, but to each his own I guess. Anyway, I drop down in the classic superhero fashion, spouting "Halt foul foe!" to the would be old woman assailant, and in turn, he pulls a large revolver to fend me off with. Fret not, faitful readers, because mere bullets can't harm me. And this masked mugger finds that out after firing all his rounds into my chest of steel. They bounced harmlessly off of my chest, richocheting off of the walls and trash cans in the alleyway. Of course the old woman got a little scared, but you have to break a few eggs to make a chicken... or something like that. Anyway, upon seeing the bullets zinging through rats instead of my inner goodies, the confused criminal does the only thing he can think of, he throws the revolver at my head. What the heck would throwing a gun at someone who can deflect bullets with his chest do? That messed up maniac found that out the hard way when I came to. But... as always, there's always a subdual plot forming by some feindish overmind directed at destroying our ...um, d... delicious... world. And there was, belive me! It was the criminal creep known simply as "X". He is the single sharpest supervillian on this side of the whole countryside. Anyway, after thwarting more of X's henchmen, I managed to get the location of his secret hideout in the typical superhero fasion. I bribed them. But our Mr. X was ready. He had rocket turrets, F-16s and laser cannons armed and articulated, content they would stop me. But I'm a superhero, right? All I had to do was dress up as an inconspicuous Girl Scout, and boom, I was in. I still owe those doormen three boxes of thin mints... Anyway, I fought forever through that treatcherous, trap-filled torture chamber. Luckily, my sidekick... uhh, well his name's not important now... he was there to take the blunt of the attack- I mean back me up. We made it to the tip top of that evil emperor's dastardly dungeon in the nick of time. He had a huge ion cannon set to terminate our fair city!! "How could you be so EVIL and DASTARDLY, yet manage to keep your hair from mussing?" I asked in the classic superhero fasion, with gritted teeth and angry fists. "It's easy, Superpoop, I use GEL!" He replied with the most evil of all evil maniac laughters I've ever heard. I told... ummm, that guy who always hangs out with me... sidekick, right! Anyway, I told him to get me my rocket launcher, but he informed me that it was impossible, for superheroes weren't allowed to use anything that may break the skin of their evil counterparts. "DRATS!" I yelled, making sure not to sound too colorful to the younger veiwers, and proceeded to fight the evil X with my bare hands. The timer of the ion cannon dropped down, lower.... lower... lower... and even lower. Finally with a kung-fu chop, I knocked the mischevious Mr. X flat on his buttocks, and instructed my little buddy... sidekick guy, to tie him up while I stopped the conniving contraption. It was hard, there were a lot of wires. "Cut the green one!" sidepunt said. I thought that it was the red one. 20 seconds, 15, 10, 8, 4, 2... I wondered what I should do... At 00.01 seconds, the machine stopped. Sidefieldgoal jumped about, and did a little riverdance for my accomplishment. I hid the big peices of crud I had ripped from the machine as to keep up my great classic superhero intelligence image. Of course the mayor wanted to meet me again, and of course it was as if he had never seen me before, and of course he gave me another key to the city. What a day. I went back to my apartment, with only a few nicks and scratches from the day. I promised to make sure sidelick was awake from his coma the next day, and I layed down, grabbed my scotch- I mean gatorade, and kicked back, happy about a job well done! |