Author: Morgan R.
Email: [email protected]
Rating: PG
Summary: What if Angel broke?
Spoilers: I wrote this after I saw the preview for IWRY, because I'm
assuming Joss isn't
gonna go for the whole 'long distance relationship' thing.
Feedback: I know it's a little...different, but if you like it, do let me
know.
Disclaimer: Joss has all. He controls everything.
Note: Can you tell I've been reading "Mrs. Dalloway"? I wasn't even going
to post this, but a
friend insisted. Try to deal with its weirdness. Even I'm not sure what
this is about.
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Her name is Buffy.
No, no, no. Not really. Her name isn't really Buffy. Don't be stupid. Her real name is so beautiful that it hurts to say it. Her name is...
Never mind. I won't tell you. Why should you know what her soul is really called? You wouldn't be able to comprehend how perfect her real name is.
But I can tell you what it means. It means perfect fiery beautiful innocent jaded vibrant melancholy nighttime noon paradox inspirational funny loving warm golden tired chosen only exciting special happy unsure insolent silly solemn pure soft tough perfect. Of course, that is the abridged definition of her real name. We don't have time to look at the full one.
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"Angel? How are you feeling?" Cordelia crept hesitantly into his bedroom.
"Are you Cordelia?" his muffled voice came out from underneath his blankets that were pulled over his head.
"Yes, it's me."
He pulled down the blanket, and Cordelia had to bite her lip to keep from gasping. There were dark circles under his unnaturally bright eyes that were glittering in his ridiculously pale face. His cheeks were hollow, and his cracked lips were stretched in a wide smile.
"She was here." He pointed at the pillow next to him.
"I know." Cordelia felt the hated pricking of tears behind her eyelids, but she ignored it.
"I can smell her." His eyelids fluttered closed as he inhaled the familiar scent still clinging to the sheets.
"Angel? You really need to eat something, okay? If you don't, then you might-"
"She loves me!" He crowed, falling back on his pillow with a blissful sigh.
Cordelia came over and lightly touched his cheek, eliciting a happy smile from the vampire. With a small choke, she ran out of the room.
Turning onto his side, Angel looked at the pillow next to him. There was still and indentation in its center, and his careful fingers gently picked up a long blonde hair.
"I know your name," he whispered.
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When I saw her, I could smell him. I didn't know who he was, and the scent was already growing old, but I smelled him.
But I made him go away. She won't think about him anymore, because her head is full of me. When she left, the only scent besides her own was me me me love me. I made her feel and smell like love and me and she loves me.
I used to think love was hard and it hurt. Doyle thought I was reading but I would look at her picture and wallow in misery all the time. But it's so easy! All the sadness is...
I thought I had to remember all the painful things in my life to help people. But now I can help them better, because all I have to do is lie here and twist her hair around my fingers and it turns vampires into dust like a perfect shining ray of sunlight.
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Cordelia's hands were shaking as she dialed the phone.
"Hello?"
"Giles?" She couldn't stop the tears as she slumped down into the chair.
"Cordelia? What's wrong?"
"It's Angel. He's...he's..."
"He's what?"
"I think he's going crazy, Giles. I don't know what to do."
"Has he hurt you?"
"No. He's just cheerful, and he lies in bed and won't eat and he just babbles on and on about Buffy and how he can smell her. I can't make any sort of connection with him. He knows who I am, but it's like he forgets that I'm even there."
"He still has his soul, however?"
"He's way too...benign, to be evil. Please...I don't really know what's going on. I just think that his heart may have finally been broken one too many times."
"I'll see what I can find, Cordelia. Just hang in there. And you must try to make him eat."
"He'll be okay, right?"
Giles paused for far too long. "Vampires can starve, I understand. If he doesn't eat, then it will eventually be as deadly as sunlight."
Cordelia dropped the phone.
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Cordelia is worried about me. She doesn't understand that I've found all the answers at last. She thinks I'm stupid and that my brain has stopped working correctly.
But she's wrong! I just finally figured out how to see things, how to make my mind understand.
It's Buffy that helped me. She came and all the pain was submerged in love.
Why isn't Cordelia happy? She always told me I should stop brooding. I don't need to brood anymore. My sin was Buffy and Buffy was is will be my redemption. When Cordelia tells me that Buffy is gone, I laugh because I know that Buffy would never be able to live without me.
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"Angel, please," Cordelia begged.
He chuckled, looking at her fondly.
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Happily ever after is better than I had ever imagined.
I wish that Cordy's prince would come so that she would stop interrupting our honeymoon.
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"Buffy wouldn't want you to keep doing this, Angel."
"Buffy is an angel." His long fingers plucked at the bedcovers as his lover tickled his ribs.
"You're killing yourself! Can't you see that?"
"All you need is love." He laughed at his joke.
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How could I think of drinking blood as long as she lays beside me? She is my other half. I tasted her blood, once and forever.
She is all my senses. I taste her smell her see her feel her hear her know her love her want her undo her fix her kill her leave her need her. There are more than five senses nowadays.
I am only hungry for her. I lived in famine when she was away.
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"Thank god you're here," Cordy said breathlessly.
"Where is he?" Buffy asked.
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She's all around. She was here before, and then she came out of the elevator and she's holding my hand and stroking my hair and touching my heart. We were thinking the same thing on her birthday...
Wait, she doesn't have that many hands.
I love her.
I want to tell everyone, but I can't really sit up. My heart is holding me down, laying next to her.
She is my eternity.
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"Angel?"
"I love Buffy," he whispered, trying to tell someone before it was too late to get the word out.
"There's some blood here for you. Please drink it- it's been too long since you-"
He shook his head slowly, his eyes dimmer at every moment.
"I can't drink anymore. You see,"
He eloquently stroked the back of her hand with his velvet thumb.
"I'm so full."
His hand slipped away, and his lover got out of the bed, for the sheets were somehow full of dust.