Title: Shift (1/1)
Author: Morgan
Email: [email protected]
Website: http://www.geocities.com/crimsonclad/
Rating: PG
Summary: Summer needs to work things out.
****
The first day back from Winter Break, Summer saw them kissing in the hallway.
"Bitch," she thought.
She was referring, of course, to herself.
****
Summer asked Gloria if she could have a few spare uniforms. "So I don't have to do laundry every day," she laughed.
Gloria smiled, but put a hand on Summer's shoulder. "Are you sure volunteering isn't interfering with the rest of your life?" she asked, and Summer gripped the bookcart tightly.
"When it does, I promise to let you know," she promised.
Like Summer's word meant anything.
****
Summer looked up from her notes to see Anna biting her lip, a hesitant smile on her face.
"King Philip, right? So, we had talked about maybe studying together for the next test, and I thought-"
"You said you study better alone," Summer answered, her face blank.
Anna laughed nervously. "Yeah, but if you saw my grade on the last test, you might disagree. I just thought- you know." Her shrug was familiar, but not on her, and Summer wondered if Anna would begin to wear novelty t-shirts.
"I don't really have time right now."
Anna nodded, and Summer looked back at her notes.
That afternoon, Dr. Kim helped Summer switch a few classes so that all her study periods would be at the end of the day. "Volunteering is just really important to me," Summer explained, and Dr. Kim was only too happy to help out.
****
She bought some cheddar Goldfish at the hospital cafeteria, and found this infuriating. She wanted Sun Chips, but bought orange fish crackers instead.
Kudos were too sweet.
She threw her lunch away.
****
"I'm going to see a movie with Ryan. Do you want to come?"
Summer understood about partnerships, even if her best friend didn't. "No thanks."
Marissa sighed. "I don't even know if Seth is coming. I mean, we could just tell him not to."
"Coop, I'm just really busy, okay? Go, have fun."
She remembered the four of them in TJ, and then during the week that followed. She thought about the opportunities she had squandered, from ten years on.
She wondered why knowing it was all her fault made it so much easier to bear.
****
Summer tugged on her shoes while her stepmom chased a Percocet with a glass of chardonnay. Her vague smile was as close as they got to bonding. "Summer, you've lost so much weight. New diet? I'd been thinking about Atkins, but it doesn't allow for any alcohol. What's the point in being thin if you can't have any fun, right?"
Summer's uniform did seem to hang more loosely, but she hadn't consciously taken note of the fact.
She'd have to remember about meals more often.
****
Summer didn't take most of her shift breaks, but whenever she did, she would head down to the ER waiting room. She watched the almost-corpses as they were rushed in, blood spilling, family wailing.
This is pain, she told herself sternly. This is loss.
When she started wondering who would cry for her when she died, she would return to work, her hands moving smoothly between cheap novels and the more tasteful classics. She never faltered even once.
"What should we read today, Mrs. Benson?" she smiled, her hair smooth and her chin sure.
"You're such a dear, dear girl! The boys must chase after you like there's no tomorrow."
There isn't, she thought, and held a wrinkled hand in her own.
****
Summer feels badly about the way she treated Chip back when she still thought she had a chance with Seth. At a time when she couldn't stop craving a witty, nonstop commentary, Chip's laconic nature had seemed like a burr in her side.
But she thought about it, and began to come around. Chip had shared his thoughts with her- the ocean was vast, the sky darkly visual. Not terribly original, perhaps, but honest.
Seth had told her she was beautiful and special and that he had always wanted her, that he would always want her. These were lies.
She finds Chip's company to be soothing, now. His conversation is spare and unchallenging, and he's flattered enough by her company that he doesn't expect anything from her. He takes her to movies and the occasional party, and while he might put his hand on her waist or shoulder, he somehow knows better than to even try kissing her goodnight.
She wonders if he tells his friends that she's his girlfriend. She wonders if he'd be telling the truth.
He has dark, curly hair, but she tries to ignore it.
****
"Is Summer okay?" Ryan asked, squinting in the afternoon sun. Marissa looked surprised at the question.
"What do you mean?"
He was watching Summer walk across the quad, already in her candystriper uniform, her face wiped clean of all expression. "She just seems- detached. She never hangs out with us anymore- which I get, but still. She seems...displaced."
Marissa shrugged. "She hasn't said anything to me."
Ryan wondered if that was strictly true, and kept quiet.
****
Seth tried writing her letters. They were full of explanations and apologies, saying things like:
she came to me first
she has no one here
she makes me laugh.
But he knew that all those things could apply to Summer too, and if he sent them, she would read:
you are less than I imagined
she's a better kisser
you were easier to love before I knew you.
He couldn't stand the thought, and said nothing instead.
****
Summer was throwing books in her locker when Holly approached, her usual sharp smile nowhere in evidence. "Hey, Summer."
"What do you want?" Her biology textbook was slipping out of place, and she put out a hand to prop it up.
"Look, I know I'm probably the last person you want to talk to, and I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm sorry, okay? And we've been friends since fifth grade, and I know I messed it up by being pretty much a big slut, but I've been pretty worried about you. You haven't been yourself lately."
Summer laughed. "Are you sure?"
Holly's brows crinkled. "Sum, I'm not going to pretend to understand- I mean, Seth Cohen? But I know you're having a rough time, and I just wanted to tell you that no guy is worth this much drama. If he couldn't see how awesome you are, then just forget him, right?"
Summer thought about the absurdity of Holly Fisher spouting feminist propaganda. "Thanks, Holl. I'll see you around."
She didn't walk out the front entrance until Marissa's back was turned. She was holding Ryan's hand and smacking Seth in the head, and Summer walked past without blinking once. She faked oblivious exceptionally well, and thought she was beginning to understand her stepmother a little better every day.
Ryan's eyes followed her, and no one noticed.
****
"You rode your bike all the way here?"
Her arms were crossed over her chest, and Ryan ducked his head as he pushed hair out of his eyes. "Yeah. Pretty much."
Summer nodded and waited, her eyes on the spokes of his front wheel.
"I know what it's like to be the one not chosen."
Summer laughed, just enough to sting. "So as soon as Seth OD's in Mexico, I can save him and we'll live happily ever after?"
"Well, he does get pretty jacked up after a few bowls of Cap'n Crunch- I worry he'll go too far."
She smiled, and it felt a little less off. "Right. Look, if TJ hadn't happened, and Coop had stayed with Luke- would you have wanted to be friends? To stick around and watch?"
Ryan looked away, because she knew the answer already.
"What's the problem? I thought you wanted him to choose Anna."
Ryan grimaced. "Not like this. And only because you kept saying no."
She had begun saying 'yes,' though. Yes, of course he preferred Anna. Yes, she should have known. Yes, he's already forgotten there was a choice in the first place.
"Yes, I did."
****
Fridays were the best days, because Chip would pick her up from the hospital in his new convertible. He would smile serenely as she slid into the calfskin leather seat, then drive them out to Shoreline Highway. They spent hours that way, the wind tugging at their hair as they shared the occasional sleepy smile, conversation impossible as warm gusts of salty air rushed around them. Summer watched birds drift lazily in the sky above them, the glow of the sunset still visible on the horizon.
Summer thought she was ready to learn about sailing.
****
fin