Author: Morgan R.
Email: [email protected]
Rating: PG
Summary: Sense memory and sleep deprivation lead to badness.
Spoilers: Nothing recent
Feedback: Let me know your thoughts on Ryan- I think mine are pretty plain.
Disclaimer: Not mine. I have to keep reminding myself that. Fictional.
Note: I didn't want to write this, but the Ryan thread has again made me do
this. Not what people were after, perhaps, but the furthest I could go...
****
Seth walked into the family room, only to stop suddenly at the sight of Ryan passed out on the couch, Norton Anthology still spread out in his lap. Seth threw Kirsten and quizzical look, and she grinned. "Fell asleep about ten minutes ago," she whispered.
"Yeah, he had a big test history today- he was up all night, and totally out of it all day," Seth murmured as he joined her in the kitchen. "How'd you convince him to study in here?"
"I didn't have to!" Kirsten exclaimed, her smile wide. "He was here when I came in, and stayed after I started setting the table. I think he's finally starting to feel at home."
"Excellent. Now if we can only teach him to procrastinate and mock properly, he'll be a true Cohen."
"Hey, guys!" Sandy's voice rang out from the front door. "Great news!"
Seth and Kirsten tiptoed out to meet and shush him, gesturing at Ryan's still-sleeping from on he sofa. Kirsten narrowed her eyes at the lit cigar in Sandy's hand, and he laughed as he kept it out of her reach. "Come on, honey- it's a day of jubilation! I just came from Jimmy's, where we each enjoyed a celebratory cigar. Would you care to know why?"
"Why?" she asked warily, wrinkling her nose at the smoke.
"Jimmy Cooper found a job."
Kirsten's eyes widened, and she clutched at Sandy's arm. "Are you serious? That's wonderful!"
"It certainly is- and so am I, apparently. At least, that's what he told me when he gave me this excellent specimen of tobacco. Anyway, I have dinner here in this bag and some movies for us to watch, so let's get celebrating!"
"Ryan's still asleep, though," Seth pointed out, leaning back to look in the other room. "Wait- damn, looks like he's having a nightmare. I'd better wake him up before he starts talking in his sleep and we all find out just how much he loves Barry Manilow."
Kirsten poked him in the side. "Was that supposed to make sense?"
"Not really. But think about it- 'Her name was Lola, she was from Chino...'" He walked over to the couch, where Ryan was tossing restlessly, unpleasant expressions flickering across his face. Seth reached down to grip Ryan in a half-nelson, scrubbing his hair in a noogie more designed to tickle than hurt. "Wake up, buddy- Dad whipped up some take-out!"
****
Ryan woke up from his blissful dream to find himself back where he belonged, and he stiffened in alert misery. He smelled AJ's celebratory cigar- he must have sold a lot of blow today, which meant he was happy, which meant he was high.
Ryan cursed himself for falling asleep in a place where AJ could find him, and he felt the tightening arm around his neck begin to choke him. The dream of a happier life where people loved him more than he deserved made this seem all the more cruel, and he wished he were back asleep.
"You're pathetic, man," AJ laughed in his ear. "Aren't you even going to fight back?"
That was enough. That was sixteen years of enough.
Ryan slammed his head back, gritting his teeth at the burst of pain and welcoming it, knowing AJ's face was feeling the same way. He struggled out of the loosening grip and began throwing wild punches that contained all his fury, and he felt a grim satisfaction at the way AJ seemed to shrink back from the assault. Maybe the guy was too high to put up a fight, but Ryan was destroying him, and the rush was incredible. "Think you can touch me, AJ? Think you can lay a hand on me or my mom?" he ground out, slamming his fist into the other man's side.
He heard his mom crying in the background, felt her feeble hands trying to make him stop, but he wouldn't stop for her. She had never stopped for him.
His vision was blurry with tears and sleep as he launched himself at AJ's retreating form, wanting to slam him up against the wall and teach him all the lessons Ryan had ever learned at his hand, his father's hand, his mother's eyes-
But the wall shattered, for some reason, and Ryan landed on top of AJ's unconscious form, broken glass cutting into his hands and knees. AJ seemed smaller now, his muscled form somehow slimmer and less intimidating as he lay still and bleeding.
Ryan shook his head, because something was wrong. Where were the tattoos? Why didn't AJ have any tattoos? Why was AJ wearing a Death Cab t-shirt?
Ryan looked down at Seth's face and began to retch. He clutched the shards of glass as tightly as he could, feeling them cut to the bone, and began to crawl away. "I didn't-" he gasped in between heaves, feeling the glass grate on concrete. "I didn't-"
He heard Kirsten's hysterical weeping and the distant, familiar sound of sirens. He brought his hands up to cover his face, feeling sharp edges slice through his cheek, chin, temple.
"I didn't-"
"I know,"a low voice answered as a hand came to rest on his shoulder, and Ryan took that as permission to pass out.
****
When Seth woke up, he was a little surprised that he wasn't in more pain. Then he looked at the morphine drip, and he couldn't keep from grinning.
"If this is what being high is like, then no wonder Dad was always smoking up," he grinned at his mom, who had not yet noticed that his eyes were open.
She jumped out of her chair with an alacrity she usually saved for her father, and Seth smiled as she clasped his bandaged hands in her own. Her eyes were shining with tears and she reached up to touch his swollen face. "Does it hurt, sweetie?"
"Mom, meet Morphine. Nothing hurts- everything is too happy to hurt right now."
"Oh, Seth," she whispered, and her voice broke, and he felt his throat tighten.
"I'll be fine, Mom, really. How's Ryan?"
She looked away, shoulders shaking, and Seth closed his eyes. Things had been going so well, and he'd always known studying too hard was pointless, but that it was actually dangerous was entirely new. "Mom?"
She shook her head, trying to speak. "He's- he's not great, honey."
"That's pretty broad, Mom. Please. Tell me."
She ran a shaking hand through her hair, riding out the sobs as best she could. "They had to restrain him to keep from hurting himself, honey. He's tied down to a bed, and he won't talk to anyone and I- I-" she broke off, and Seth squeezed her hand. She took a shuddering breath and managed to meet his gaze. "When he first woke up, no one was with him. I was here with you, and your father was filling out some paperwork. When they found him- Seth, he had ripped off all his bandages and was punching a hole in the wall. It took three orderlies to hold him down while they sedated him. We've tried talking to him, but he doesn't seem to hear a word."
"Right. Okay, I think I need to go see him."
Kirsten's eyes widened in alarm. "Seth, you aren't going anywhere. You can't walk- you can't even sit upright by yourself."
Seth snickered. "Well, obviously I can't walk. You'll need to wheel me there."
She shook her head. "Seth, I don't think the hospital-"
"Mom, I'm normally an advocate of equality and stuff, but Grandpa just bought the hospital a new wing. Pull rank or whatever, because I gotta see Ryan. Nothing else is working, right?"
She regarded him for a moment, then sighed. "Maybe you're right. If he knew you weren't angry at him- if he knew you didn't blame him, maybe-"
"Maybe we could start fixing this whole mess. I couldn't agree more, especially since it was, you know, my idea, so can we get going already?"
****
Sandy walked into the kitchen slowly, focusing his attention on the refrigerator. He just needed to get a bottle of water, walk upstairs to get Seth some clothes, and-
But no, Ryan needed clothes too- he had been more covered in blood than Seth when he was lifted onto the stretcher, shedding shards of glass like scales as the EMT swore. Only that morning, Kirsten had commented on Ryan's unusually gentle demeanor, and Sandy blamed himself for forgetting how little appearances meant.
He walked over to the kitchen table and sat down, the same vicious scene playing in his head. He remembered the look of sheer despair that had flickered over Ryan's face as he began to wake up, and the sight of such clear emotion on Ryan's usually impassive face had surprised Sandy enough for him to say Seth's name as a reprimand. Ryan had enough trouble being touched, and waking up was already disorienting without the added stress of unknown arms around him.
Before he could encourage Seth to let go, however, Ryan had exploded in panic, attacking with a rage Sandy had sensed simmering for months. He heard Ryan calling Seth 'AJ' and his heart sank as he ran to intervene. Seth tried backing away to escape the onslaught of Ryan's fists, but Ryan was lashing out wildly, his face twisted in miserable fury. The sickening sound of Ryan's hand slamming into Seth's face was one Sandy wouldn't be able to forget for some time.
Just as Sandy had reached them, his fingers grasping at Ryan's shoulders in an attempt to pull him away, Ryan had launched himself at Seth's bowed form with such force that they went right through the french doors leading out to the pool area. The impact of hitting the concrete knocked Seth out as it roused Ryan from his daze, and Sandy saw Ryan begin to tremble as he realized what had happened. Ryan's hands were grasping at the broken glass, clutching compulsively as he disentangled himself from Seth's prone form.
Kirsten had already called for an ambulance, and Newport residents paid enough that Sandy could already hear the sirens approaching. She fell on her knees at Seth's side, stroking his hair gently and trying to catch her breath.
Sandy had walked heavily over to Ryan's side- Ryan, who was still trying to escape- this and everything else, even if he had to drag himself across a patio littered with glass to do it. His hands and forearms were barbed with reddening shards, and Sandy remembered the feeling from his own furious past with mirrors he didn't believe in.
When Ryan had begun scrubbing his face, though, Sandy sank down next to him, barely able to hear Ryan's quiet chant of "I didn't," and knowing Ryan was talking about more than just this ugly night. Sandy had spent too many years thinking the same thing.
"I know," he had answered, reaching down and trying to ground Ryan with non-threatening contact. "I know."
And now he looked out at the pool area, blood darkening on the pale white walkway, and he remembered Ryan's desperate eyes when he had asked, "What if something happens?" Setting fire to one room in an empty, half-built house seemed like the easiest thing in the world after this.
His cell phone rang, and he smiled to hear Kirsten's tired voice on the other end. "Hi, honey. Could you please talk to Seth? He has sweet-talked the hospital into letting him visit Ryan, but he wants to make sure Ryan isn't going to be in trouble, in case he asks. I've promised him Ryan isn't going anywhere, but he wants to hear it from you."
Good god, he loved his wife. "That's what he wants to hear, huh? I guess that's what I should tell him, then."
"Yeah. That's what you should tell him."
The stain on the patio won't wash, he thinks. Then Seth gets on the phone and jokes about drugs and stitches and his broken wrist, and Sandy laughs because even that is possible in this family.
A lot is possible in this family, and if he can convince Ryan to listen, then maybe he'll agree to come home.
****
Ryan could feel someone's hand on his arm, so he struggled out of his drugged sleep to open his eyes. Summer sat beside his bed in her candystriper uniform, her cart of books shoved up against the foot of his bed. Her eyes widened when she saw he was awake, and her hand fluttered away from it's resting place on the inside of his elbow. "Ryan- I'll go get Mr. Cohen-"
He managed to shake his head, and she bit her lip as she sank back down into her chair. "I'd normally have made it through this entire wing by now- but when I stopped in to see you, I just... I don't know." She cast her gaze down to her lap, twisting her manicured hands together.
Ryan wished she would leave. He had to comb through his head and eliminate the messier emotions, but she was wrecking his concentration, and saying things he would not listen to, because-
"...said he's doing really well, and there's totally nothing to worry about. He'll probably be back on his stupid skateboard in a couple of days, you know? I stopped by this morning, but his mom was there, and I didn't want to interrupt. But just so you know, she asked about you, and she's really worried, not mad or anything. And I figured I'd come see how you were, and that was two hours ago, so..." She trailed off as the orderlies rolled a new bed into the room, and Ryan closed his eyes again. He didn't have the energy to care about anyone else right now.
"Oh my god," he heard Summer whisper, and then felt the brush of her starched skirt as she jumped out of her seat. "Oh my god, Cohen! How did you swing this one?"
"Wads of cash, naturally. Is he awake?"
'No,' Ryan thought, trying to hold himself completely still.
"He was a second ago- but they have him on more drugs than you, so it isn't surprising that he fades in and out. How are you feeling?"
How strange that he could hear Seth's grin. "Um, totally awesome, actually. I think I finally understand your stepmother's love of prescription drugs, because this buzz is my new best friend. I have named him Wallace."
Summer laughed. "Yeah, you're pretty high, alright. Do I need to call Betty Ford?"
"If that's the name of your dealer, then ab-so-lute-ly. So hey, how is he?"
Ryan peered beneath his lashes to see Summer's shoulders slump. "Not great. He won't talk to anyone, and until he does, they don't want to take him out of the restraints. I saw what he did to his last room- it was pretty gory. He's all messed up."
Seth winced. "You know, he's so good at making people think he's okay all the time. Me, when I'm pissed off- I get mouthy and rude and sent to my room, and it's cool ten minutes later. But Ryan..."
"Not so much," Summer finished. "Who did he think he was hitting?"
Seth made a noise of disgust. "His mom's last boyfriend, some drug dealing psycho."
"Ew," Summer answered, but her voice was soft and sad. "So where are your parents?"
"Making sure that this whole episode doesn't turn into something worse- legally or with all the gossip hounds around. I think they're letting people know we got into a "playful fight," and when we slipped we fell through the door. The very concept of me holding my own in a fight with Ryan is, of course, absurd, but it should make the water polo team think twice about taking me on, right?"
"Dare to dream, Cohen."
"You're right. That might be Wallace talking."
Ryan felt his chest constrict, and willed himself back to sleep.
****
"Dude. Dude. Duuu-uude. Come on, duuuuuuuude..."
"Seth, that is supremely irritating," Kirsten's voice interrupted, and Sandy laughed.
"Mom, I just want him to wake up- you guys suck at this game, and playing by myself just isn't as fun as it used to be. Plus, his motor skills are probably all messed up by the drugs flowing through him, so I'd almost certainly win."
"What about Wallace? Wouldn't he level the playing field?" Sandy asked, and Ryan could feel the hear the rustle of paper at the foot of his bed.
Seth sighed. "Dad, I have to tell you- Wallace has been pissing me off lately. We're not as close as we used to be. We're really not compatible, friend-wise, y'know?" Seth flopped down onto Ryan's shins, and Ryan fought not to jump at the sudden contact.
"Seth, be careful!" Kirsten scolded, her voice close to Ryan's ear. "Ryan's legs were pretty cut up, honey."
Seth rolled his eyes. "His knees, Mom. Chill." He crossed his arms and rested his chin on the pillow of his own bandages. "Dad, it doesn't seem like you're getting very far in that brief. Give it up- enjoy the slacking!"
Sandy whapped Seth in the head with the folder he was holding. "I'm understanding your academic record much more clearly now."
"Speaking of, Anna dropped off your homework," Kirsten pointed out, absently smoothing her hand down Ryan's shoulder. "Feel free to start on that anytime."
"Can't...too...much...pain..." Seth whimpered, swooning theatrically.
Ryan didn't like to think of himself as a coward, so he imprinted the scene on his memory. Seth collapsed on his legs, Sandy's hand casually resting on one of his ankles. Kirsten's hand continued to rub his arm gently, and he didn't want to lose it, but-
"I'm sorry," he whispered, opening his eyes as wide as he could manage. He braced himself for the loss of contact that would come as they all backed away, eyes, wary, afraid of his inevitable violence.
But Seth smiled and changed his sprawl into a hug, and Sandy's hand grasped Ryan's ankle firmly, relief written across is face. And Kirsten looked from Seth's happy, bruised face to Ryan's, slashed with crisscrossing lines, and her chin trembled. "Oh, Ryan, I was so worried!" Her perfume surrounded him as did her hair, and her arms went around him, and she held, held him till he thought he would shatter with sweetness.
He shuddered as his tears melted into her cashmere shoulder. He knew he didn't deserve it, but he'd take whatever he could get.
****
fin