Angel watched as Xander dragged a bewildered Willow up into the stacks. He envied the years that Xander had been able to spend with Willow, getting to know everything about her.
Actually, Angel envied himself, because he had known her for three years...
Giles interrupted his rather convoluted thoughts brusquely.
"Do you have any idea what is going on here?"
Angel looked up at the Watcher, not quite clear on why his expression was so severe. "Um. Well, not exactly. I mean, Willow told me-"
"What exactly did Willow tell you?"
"Well, I gather that I'm supposed to be in love with Buffy."
Giles sat down heavily. "But you aren't, are you?"
Angel really had no idea how to answer the question, and he merely remained tongue-tied. He didn't really understand why everyone seemed so upset that he didn't have any feelings for the Slayer. Since it seemed an incredibly unfortunate thing for a vampire to be in love with a Slayer in any case, he thought it would be a relief to have it over.
Giles obviously thought otherwise. He looked Angel straight in the eyes, and his tone was deadly serious.
"You don't seem to understand, Angel. You weren't 'attracted' to Buffy. Despite the fact that she is a teenager, she didn't have a 'crush' on you. The two of you did not flirt. You...were...in...love. You are not comprehending the magnitude of the love you shared. Think Romeo and Juliet, Catherine and Heathcliff. Try to comprehend the most painful, illogical, impossible, tempestuous love affair you can think of. You won't come close to what you had with the girl who is crying in my office.
The word soulmates is inadequate to describe the irresistible bond you had with her. You saw her die, and come back. She sent you to hell herself, and saw you come back. You have saved each other's lives more times than I can count. Obsession does not begin to describe what you had for that girl. If your soul made you stop doing evil, she is what made you start fighting it.
I am telling you these things, though it pains me to admit any of them. I'm a Watcher. I am supposed to encourage her to drive a stake through your heart, not dream about you nightly. Furthermore, I am more than a little terrified of you, after having experienced your expertise at torture while you were without your soul. Yet here I am...
Listen to me, Angel, and listen well. I love Buffy more than I can describe, and I have seen her love for you reduce her to this condition many times before. Now, there is something I need you to do, both for me and for her." He paused, and if Angel had breath, he would have been holding it.
"Willow would probably slap me for saying this, but I am saying it nonetheless. Conceal your feelings. Please, for all of our sakes."
"Conceal my feelings?" Angel's face was full of confusion. "I'm not sure I..."
"Angel, please. We all know that you're head over heels for Willow. It isn't your fault, and it isn't her fault, but every time you look at her, it breaks Buffy's heart all over again. I know all too well how capable you are of keeping everything to yourself. The words 'cryptic', 'mysterious', 'disappearing' have been paired with you since the first time Buffy met you. Now is definitely not the time to give them up."
"Why do you say that I'm in love with Willow?"
"Mostly because we all have the sense of sight. Angel, I am being painfully blunt here, and I apologize. However, I readily admit that I am more worried about Buffy's well-being than your romantic sensibilities at the moment. Cover it up. When you look at Willow, don't let your eyes glow with admiration. Try not to follow her every move. Keep your face an impassive mask, at least when Buffy is present. You see, she managed to deal with you when you were evil because she disassociated you from Angelus. She lived through your hatred, but I'm not sure if she can take your indifference.
I can't ask you to love her. I am asking you not to break her again."
Giles headed for the library doors. "Now, I'm going to get her some chocolate. It won't fix anything, but the seratonin will hopefully soothe the pain."
Angel sat mutely as Giles left. He hadn't realized he had been so obvious, mostly because he hadn't realized he was in love with her. But Giles was right.
It had all happened so suddenly, but it was true. Only a few days after meeting her, he was totally and completely in love with her, with this girl who trusted him and welcomed him into her life. Such treatment would warm the heart of anyone, but especially him. He had been alone and outcast for a century, and to suddenly find himself cherished by a lovely young woman left him with few choices other than adoring her. He had convinced himself that any human who realized what he was would loathe him automatically, recoiling from his unnaturalness. Yet here she was, sweet and fiery and perfect, and she surrounded him with her loveliness.
Of course, now there was the added factor that he was allegedly soulmates with her best friend. It wasn't that Buffy wasn't beautiful and enticing, but he was saturated with Willow, and he could hardly look objectively at another female. He felt horrible about the pain he was causing the Slayer, but he couldn't even see her through the spell that Willow had cast over him. (Not literally, of course.)
But Giles was right. He needed to keep it to himself. He needed to ease back into the life that he had never dreamed he would have, because he couldn't possibly give it up at this point.
He couldn't give her up. So it was time to pretend.