Apparantly, in the navy, people have this little contest with each other. First of all, they stop going to the toilet for a week. Then the contest is to produce the longest turd possible. The record so far is supposedly 30 cm. Sometimes, they also measure the girth as well.
For more information, consult Daniel Wenman on the subject.
One day, while John was in India, he boarded a bus to go to the nearby town. On the way there, he spotted an elephant coming the opposite way, with a beggar riding it. As the elephant approached the bus, it stuck it's trunk in through one of the windows, whereby a person put some money in it and the elephant proceeded to give the money to the beggar.
Now John, being the tight person he is, decided not to give any money to the beggar, as did a man sitting in front of him. When the elephnat approached that person, he refused to give money. The elephant then tapped him on the head, but he still refused. The elephant then proceeded to blow the contents of it's trunk all over the poor guy, who got covered in elephant snot.
Having just witnessed what happened, and getting a bit of snot on himself, John quickly produced some money to give to the elephant.
John's brother used to be a surgeon, and a very professional one at that. However, sometimes he liked to play practical "jokes" on certain people.
This one particular time he sliced off a deceased persons hand and proceeded to walk through the streets offering handshakes to strangers. Little did they know that his hand was suddenly about to fall off. Oh the hilarity of it all!
One day, while John's wife was out posting christian aid pamphlets around the street, she came across a house with a letterbox that had the bristles inside it. Naturally, the flimsy pamphlet wouldn't go through the letterbox, so she stuck her whole hand through, and met with a set of teeth. It was the family's dog, who proceeded to latch on to her hand and wouldn't let go. Still, you've gotta see the funny side of it.