DAMN IT. DAMN DAMN DAMNNNNNNNN.
I think I screwed up. Sometimes I really hate myself. Where is everyone? Why won't anyone talk to me?

So, I was sitting in Latin with Mr. Smith (creepily) demonstrating the Roman army's tactics, and was thinking about how lovely it would be learn how to fence. It's very high-class and graceful, and would be a lovely talent. I then started playing out a scene in my head of me fencing, and it got rather ridiculous. I turned it into a lovely teenage vignette that would probably be a lovely plot-enhancing side story in some crap young adult novel (the kind that are the most fun to read, of course.) And it's all sitting in my head, a blissful fantasy. *sigh* And then I remember quite suddenly how when I was in middle school, I'd just sit and write stories in my head. It's how I fell asleep every night, or passed time through boring classes. I'd either make up my own characters, or continue the plot of a real book. Never got past one or two scenes, I was very indecisive. But, c'est la vie.

I need to branch out. Tonight (and last night, come to think of it) made me realize how boxed in I've become. I haven't really made any new friends since middle school- and I've lost several of them. Acquaintances, sure. But friends? Not really. And it's not that I don't love the friends I have, because I do. I love them to pieces. I just think I need... to branch out a bit. I don't know. I'm being weird again.

I think I've decided that I actually am pretty.

Damn damn damn damn. This Puer-thing just got a million times more complicated. And weird. Just downright weird. Damn.

Agk, I think everyone I know knows me better than I know myself. Even Dana. Ay yi yi. She is so funny. We were talking about things we'd do tomorrow if we knew we'd die on Tuesday, and I said: " would get up really early, to make sure i had a full day. Or just stay up all night. And make myself look gorgeous. Spend all my money. Not go to school- except 7th hour." She asked me why 7th hour and I said: "There's this guy... He sits behind me. I'd show up, kiss him spontaneously, and leave." And she guessed who the guy was right away! And I didn't even know she knew Puer existed. Ay yi yi. She said she could tell I liked him at the city park last summer- when I didn't yet. Although she sided with Caroline and said that I did, and just didn't know it yet. Crazy people.



Whoa, it has been a lot of time since I updated this page. I guess that's not too weird, as pushing (or whatever that link is called now) has a password again. Hmm. Anyway, this was rather unneeded, but I like it to have my special "top secret" (hehe) information schtuff. Yes, schtuff. Anywho, onto the real reason for my retreat back to this page:
Remember that brain-controlling-brain, unconscious, circular, freudian conversation with myself from the other page? This all is involved. It goes back. Way back. My so-called "fear of guys" (Carrie!!!) in middle school is probably at the root of that too. But that has all been solved. However it's loosely connected. Or was. But I have decided that if you're brain thinks it thinks something, it really does think that, because there is no other authority or standard to tell you otherwise. Though, if you are wavering on the topic yourself, perhaps it isn't true, because your own brain is unsure. Following me? Probably not. I am uncomprehendable.
So, then there is latin. The class that is also at the root of it all. And that chair, the lean-y one that has me practically hanging over the desk behind me. It's silly really. I'm so bad at this stuff (hence the aforementioned "fear"). All that pokiness too. *sigh* I giggle and joke about the Joshes and my lacrosse boy, but honestly, what is all that? Jokes and giggles, nothing real. I really am being ridiculous, and vague, but maybe somebody gets this.


As of April 19, 2002 I hate my life.


Life sucks. It really does. I thought I was out of that depressed phase. Apparently it can return. I had forgotten how evil it was. I don't have a good reason to be depressed! Nothing awful has happened. I just got an A- on my research paper! I should be happy. There is something terribly wrong with my head. I've had no patience lately. None at all. I feel so terrible too. I keep hurting Archer's feelings and I don't mean to. People keep ganging up on me and its all I can do to restrain from smacking them across the face. I smile, laugh it off, act clueless, and uncaring. This charade can't hold up for much longer. I hate this; I feel like I'm whining and complaining. It's horrible. *rubs eyes* I'm going to continue anyway. I don't care if I complain. I feel unloved, unpretty, unwanted and un-me. I'm not me. I was for a while, but then I lost it again. My head feels heavy, and I want to go sleep for a long time.


An entry that is double passworded: here


So happy. So perfect. Has life ever been as wonderful as it is now? How many things do you think I can cross out of my "Things wrong with my life" list? Let's see...
1. my eyes are two different shapes Yea well. What can you do?
2. nblm That's not neccesarily true...
3. i have no muscle AHA! Cross country has abolished that idea. My legs are sooo muscualar. I have lumpy legs again!
4. i can't hold interesting conversations I think I can... I think I can... I think I can...
5. my dog ate my flip flops I bought new ones!
6. my dog ate my blue jeans... while i was wearing them I bought new ones! Twice!
7. the computer causes depression Or maybe not
8 my eyes are still two different shapes Yes, well...
9. nblm still See #2
10. I have no guy-friends I do! I do! Phill and Robbie are my friends... Right?!
11. Eighth grade is over, and I'm going to get lost in South. Ha! School has started and I didn't get lost once.
Wahoo! My life is good.


I heard a very interesting tidbit of information last night. Interesting to me at least. I over heard (no, I wasn't trying to eavesdrop) Iris and Robin talking at cross country. The team was heading out to run, and I was walking behind them. Here's what I heard-
Iris: Yea, Al's been getting really mean lately.
Robin: Who has?
Iris: Allison.
Robin: Oh
Iris: Yea, did you hear about what she said to Carlin?
Robin: No, what'd she say to Carlin?
Iris: Well, she didn't /say/ it, they were online.
Woah! Wait a minute. What's going on here? I was so shocked when I heard that. I didn't know other people really knew about that. I told a few people, but not all the details. Apparently word spread. Anyway, I stopped listening at that point. I just thought that was... Interesting to say the least. Hmm


I just saw Moulin Rouge. I get way too emotional. Wayyyy to emotional. I was crying during about half the movie. And not just crying. Sobbing. Hard. Uncontrollably. It was awful. I hate sad movies. I hate sad books. I had sadness altogether. It's awful. Ever since the scene where they were singing Roxanne, I couldn't control myself. Even during the happy part, where they are on stage, back together. He forgives her. I was crying. Why? Because I knew how it would end. I knew she would die. I have never, ever cried so much during a freaking movie.
During books, however, is a completely different subject. For example, yesterday I was reading The Shadow of the Hegemon (again), and my tear drops smudged some of the words on the pages. It is about Bean, and Bean is my upmost favorite character. I also cried during The Children of the Mind. It is quite obvious that in the end of Ender's series, Ender will die. I cried so insanely hard when he died. I also through the book across the room. My brother came in like "What the hell happened?" As I am sitting there crying.


I am so utterly confused. I can't figure out things that I'd never had to think about before. Things that were just set out, no discussion or choices required. They just were. Well, now they aren't. Who exactly am I? Who are my friends? Why don't I act like I want to act? Can I change, or am I now as I will always be? How do you really know if you change?, no matter what aren't you always you? If there are any psycics out there that can answer these questions, then please, take a shot.


Letting go of all I've held on to. I really am. I'm in for a complete change of mind, body, heart. Everything. I need to be a new person. I looked in the mirror today right after i ran two miles, watched a movie and mowed the lawn, all without brushing my hair or taking a shower, and I looked gorgeous. I really did. I need to stop caring so much about superficial things. Because, they don't matter as much. If I get everything that really matters, where I want them to be, those superficial things will fall into place as well. I mean seriously, keeping fit, making my home look nice, and enjoying my time are things that really do matter. I did all of those things this morning, without giving a care to how I looked. And now, I look in the mirror and I look great. I really do, or at least I feel like I look great, and that's all that really matters isn't it? I've cared too much about other people's opinions lately. They've brought me down. Summertime always brings me back up. Things like camp, swimming, and just being lazy help me find myself again.


I hate the way I look. My eyes don't match. I told my mom this and she did a crappy job of trying to cheer me up. "You have gorgeous streaked hair." I have mouse brown ugly hair with artificial streaks in it. "You have gorgeous straight teeth." Braces. "You have wonderful green eyes." My eyes are the problem. "Oh, Carlin, you're much to smart to worry about something like this." No, she doesn't tell me I;m gorgeous. She says everything I've changed about myself is gorgeous! She says I'm "too smart to worry about this." I don't want to be smart anymore, I want to be pretty for just a little while. I want to be skinny and have great hair and MATCHING EYES. I want the best clothes and shoes. I want flawless skin, perfect makeup just for day. One day to feel good about how I look. Everyone says Taylor's hair is so lovely, she has long legs and is so tall and skinny. Dana has natural blonde highlights and a great smile. She is popular and looks great in her new glasses. They both have flawless skin. Why did I get the ugly genes? NBLM! NBLM! NBLM! EBHM! NBLM! Why me?
Note: I did not originally write this for this site. I wrote it in a real journal. It was not meant to be read, but I decided to put it here anyway.


i annoy myself because i want to be someone i am not. i want to have confidence, i want to be able to not freak out at little things, i want to have more self esteem, i want to be able to express myself, i want to be more noticeable, less in the shadows. I want a lot, and because I don't try for any of it. I stay hidden and unhappy. I annoy myself. I annoy myself because I don't have the power to try and change.


Eeshmanugk. Snippet of convo from earlier today: Suzanne: You still like him, don't you? Me: Yes *blushes* Suzanne: Well, why don't you ever do anything with him? Me: Like what, it's not like we're bestest buds Suzanne: Like flirt. That's when it occured to me. I don't know how to flirt. Eeshmangunuka! I annoy myself. *Exasperated*


grumpy hate homework want something to do bored none of my friends are home i am sooo bored i want to do something i feel abandonend i want a shopping spree i feel depressed i wish my eyes were the same shape i hate how i look

I was thinking. It's weird how some people (including me) think. Like, they desperately want something, but when they get the chance to get what they want, they turn down the opportunity. *sigh* Ah, well. Weird. I... I am hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless. And I hate it so much.


I have a lot of thoughts. Bare with me. Want some EFW's? All the people that have hurt me and played with my emotions over the years are EFWs. Allison, my aunt, Margaret, my sister, and other people who didn't actually do anything to me, but I think about too often and ugh. All the people that I try to impress and fail miserably. The people who ignore my exsistance (half the school). My parents who want me to achieve too much. When I do achieve it, nothing's new. When I don't, they yell. I feel like people are playing a game of kickball with my emotions. Nobody cares anymore.
next thought
This is weird for me. I've been thinking for a while. I really like a certain person, but if i went out with him, I'd feel probably weirder then cause i've never had a bf and i'd have no clue what to do if i got one! this sounds so dorky right now, but i honestly don't give a crap. If you're reading this now and making fun of me, think this way. These are my thoughts. They are PERSONAL, be glad you have any insight into them at all.


I don't have anything to say. Everything is unfair, I'll leave it at that. *closeseyestothinkandobsess* Ugh. I annoy myself and I just can't help it. I don't know what to do or say. So I don't do or say anything. That's all.


Suddenly, everything seems brighter. An e-mail to an anonymous person:
Maybe your e-mail got so long it just sent it cause there was no more room to type? Who knows. Yes! Middleschool is a hard time of life I think because its like the time when everything changes. Its a transition period. Highschool will be easier. We'll be more accustomed to a lot of things. 'Cause seriously, there isn't a whole lot different between south and pierce. We still switch classes, we still will have a lot of homework, our teachers will (probably) still be insane. Except in highschool, everything matters. Another part about middle school being hard is because suddenly there is A LOT more people. In elem. you had your lil class, and that's who you were friends with. Suddenly, in M.S. cliques emerged. Friends drifted way apart. Once, again things changed. I lost nearly ALL my friends in M.S. my entire circle of friends (minue Leigh and Susannah) decided to hate me. Thats really one reason why I trust Leigh so much. She'll never hurt anyone. Annoy them yes, but never ever would she really hurt ANYONE. Middleschool has been a time of emense pain for me. And for a lot of people. I figure, it's almost over, I'll live through it, and if it can't get worse, than I can only move up. So yep, I agree. Worst part is over, best is to come. *optimistic*
-Carlin

i annoy myself. whenever i think of baseball boy (Carrie's new nickname for him, don't ask) my brain feels fuzzy. *sigh* i am annoyed that i like him AGAIN. *sigh* at least i don't like Ben anymore. That annoyed me too. *whydoiannoymyselfsomuch?*


Today was a good day. It went by F A S T tho. Hmm. Dana is continuing to try and annoy Eric, but I think he's having fun insulting her. Poor girl. ;D She's so cute. *sigh* I don't think I like Ben anymore. The fact that he was flirting with Morgan... Egh. Anyway, buh bye.

An e-mail I wrote.
Over. All over. God this is so depressing. Tom Sawyer was so much fun. Nobody would be able to understand what it meant to me to be in that. I've never had a lead. I've never had a role in anything. And after people telling me I did a good job... holy shite, this play meant/means so much to me. I feel like crying 'cause its over, but I can't because i've cried enough today and this just doesn't seem worth it. "Oh, I just can't cry anymore, it feels like I'm all cried out". Yea. I want to go rent the most depressing movies at blockbuster and stay up all night watching them. "Cause I remind myself of somebody else... I can't face myself alone" I love my quotes. quotes. quotes. *shiversrunningupmyspine* I feel bad for Chloe. Ben was like all over Morgan at the cast party. That makes me somewhat sick. I mean she is only in 6th grade and they were flirting to an extreme. Nothing to say. Nothing to do. My life sucks right now. Its so sad. everythings ending. beginnings are gone. this is the end of the end, and it's all over now. ever feel like writing a poem because you have one or two lines that would be awesome in it, but then you just can't write the poem? Hmm... I do that all the time. I'm going to attempt to compose one now.

battles in my mind
pointless questions
hopeless answers
writhing and weaving
in and out
tearing me apart
no more beginnings
the middle is gone
it's the end of the end
and it's all over now

Eh, not bad for something that took 30 seconds to compose. Hopeless is my new favorite word because it describes me so well. Holy crap this is getting to be a long email. I'll stop now.

E-mail convo with Abbee

me: I caught myself obsessing today. YIPES!
her: its okay! we're all prone to do it sometime. plus hes cute... i liked him at the beginning of the show... :P
me: ;D Yea. Except I'm not one to obsess. You know me. I don't talk much, I keep things inside. I am NOT a person who would usually obsess. I surprise myself sometimes. *sigh*
her: keeping it bottled up is BAD BAD BAD... i did it TOO MUCH last year. you wouldnt believe it would you?! i was seriously depressed... suicidal even. and i was in fucking therapy. Go figure-huh. So don't worry about obsessing. I'll always have an open ear. Because i know that I pissed u off with my rantings... u have a turn to be crazy about it! arent i great!?!
me: you were suicidal? Leigh read some of my journal entries and asked me if I was suicidal. I said NO! She said good, cause if i did kill myself Mrs. Raynal would bring me back to life and kill me again for ruining her show. interesting. i never would have thought of you to be a bottled up person, you blab a lot. talk a lot. who knows. and no, you never pissed me off with your rantings. they were... amusing. and it may sound kind of dumb, but it was also nice that you'd talk to me about things. i don't know. god. i hate myself right now. my grades are dropping (ok, Bs may not be bad for some people but my dad is 'very disapointed in me' for a B+ on my last grade sheet. 'I can do better than that'.) i feel stressed out over everything. i am so damn glad that this play is almost over. i'll have time again. do you ever cry for no reason? like, there is a reason, but you can't find it and don't know what it is. Or you do, but it doesn't seem like it is a good reason and you are crying for a bad reason? nevermind. I know I don't make a lot of sense. I can't help that. bye.
me again: In a message dated 3/29/01 7:24:24 PM Eastern Standard Time, Rologirly writes:

> arent i great!?!
and yes, Abbee, you are great

*quietlyfreaksout* My horoscope was right again... Stand up for someone when other people start saying mean stuff about them. After all, you'd want someone to do that for you. You could hit a huge emotional crest in the romance arena today, with your thoughts and feelings spilling everywhere. This could be a good thing if you direct this energy well. Remember your roots, and you'll be happier! march 26, 2001

God, I am so frustrated. It is so annoying to really like someone and have them not like you back. I've never felt like this before. UGH! This sucks. More 'cause I'm friends with his gf. UGH!

Hehe! I don't like eric anymore. ;D heh.

Note i wrote: Hey, I'm in Gaylord. I thought I'd write to you all 'cause I am bored, so i am. ;D Yesterday I got off the elevator at Otsego and Dana looks at me weird and says "Who's That?" I look over and guess who I see with an evil grin on his face waving at me. Ben Osborn. I was like "You aren't here" ugh. He said "Hiiiii Carrrlin." I turned to him and said "I'll hurt your head again if you don't leave me alone. I believe Carrie is the only one who may understand that and I'm not even sure if she does so I'll explain. In Tom Sawyer when I have to put his head on my shoulder I do it kinda roughly and it hurts him. Anyway, he's always saying that I am vicsious. Anyway. Why is he here? This isn't fair. I'm supposed to have vacation time from everything annoying. "stunning" for instance. (To Lyd: Ben "stuns" people by grabbing their head weirdly and doing this twisty thing. It hurts slightly) Not fair. Oh well. I saw him on the chair lift today and I said "PLease tell me that you aren't a member here" He isn't. thank the lord. lol. Ok, I've griped enough, but I had to get that off my chest. Anyway, I'm coming home tomorrow. We should get together this week. (Lydia, do you have this week off of school?) Ok, I'll see you all later this week. I hope. Buh bye Carrie, Leigh, and Lyd!
~Carlin, Carleigh, Car

I have a confession to make. *grumblestoself* (no self stupidity) I like someone else now. blah. ben. ugh. ok, i had to say that. my letter above was kinda not right. ;x

I've been wanting to write something here all day and now I can't remember what it was! Egh. Oh well. ;x Oh yea... My grades are going down, or at least I think think they are. I need to get a freakin grade sheet. I feel like Social Studies is the class I can breeze through, but I am not taking that next year! Are my parents going to except Bs in highschool? They darn well better because I am not going to keep straight As. I can't even do that now. ;x Annie is going to drive me insane with her obsessing about *him*. My god. she GAZES at him during math class. *sigh* Thats one thing we have in common tho, good views of out *hims* in math class.

Ehh... *grumblestoselfaboutselfstupidy* yep. Ok. I feel like this should be under a double passworded area. *grumblestoselfaboutselfstupidy* I was talking to Leigh and she finally coaxed me out of saying who i like and i wouldn't tell her straight out but I gave her an obvious clue *grumblestoselfaboutselfstupidy* And now I have once again been made aware of my utter stupidity. damnit

Jan. 23 Whoa... We had to do this thing in Health where there was a list of "healthy" things to do and we had to write yes or no if we followed them. Everyone kept screwing it up tho because there were some like "I do not smoke, or do drugs, etc" the answer Yes meant you didn't do them and that was confusing. Anyway... One of the questions was: I do not engage in sexual activity before marriage. Several people around me put No. I mean honestly! This is eighth grade! Those people now disgust me. Sheesh.

I was thinking of what to add to my website 'cause I have three blank links and an idea came to mind. This is going to be my person stuff. My other journal page will be open to everyone now, no password needed. However, this is the password protected area. Very few people will get the password, so if you are reading this right now, consider yourself lucky, your in a very exclusive group ;D Anyway...

Wednesday, January 10, 2001: Don't you just love the cute lil sappy romance-y parts in books? OMG, I do. The Amber Spyglass, Ella Enchanted (yes, below my reading level, but it's so cute!), Just Ella, The Dragonbooks/Menolly books; all those books have romance-y parts and luv them! They make me emotional *sob* and I really get into the book. Ya know? Anyway, that's just me. In fact I got so SAD over the end of the Amber Spyglass, I wrote my own ending. Yep. I'll paste it below.
Where the hell is Lydia? OMG... She's in India. No wonder she hasn't replied to my e-mails. OOPS! I forgot. Hehe eep. ;x
007 is still sitting next to me in Digital Presentations. Honestly, I don't get it. He is so incompetent. I have to fix everything he does, on the most simple program. Whatever.
This page isn't really my PERSONAL stuff. I wouldn't even write that down for fear someone would find it, but this is kinda like my old journal page was, so, i dunno. I confuse myself.
(this is after Lyra asks Pant what he and Will's Daemon did while they were away)

Pantalaimon looked up at lYra and bristled his golden fur. "We made a door."
"A door?" Lyra asked.

"A door, yes. Like a window, but more permanent." "But, the Dust!"
"That's no matter," Pantalaimon replied as he jumped up to perch on Lyra's shoulder. "The Dust can't go through. It isn't a window."
Lyra could tell that Pant wasn't going to explain anymore, so instead she asked, "Where is it? Where does it go?"
"Over behind the garden, under the lemon tree. And you know perfectly well where it goes."
At this, Lyra jumped up, her face flushed. "Come on. We have to go find it!'
"Sorry," a voice said from behind her. "I beat you to it". Lyra spun around to face Will, his Daemon at his feet. Lyra's eyes widened and she fell into his arms.

THE REAL END ACCORDING TO CARLIN

See? Now isn't that much happier? I thought so. C ya, Lyd.

That's a copy of my ending I sent to Lydia.