| Do I exist? How do we know if all that surrounds us is real? Is life rely what is imposed on us, or is it hidden in the secret world of a voiced cord? Is this world one of cold matter or emotion found in it? A rain drop falls, strikes my skin, but it passes through my body touching my soul with its cool feel. I know that many of you are wondering why it is that I am thinking about these things. It seems to me that the very essence in our existence is hidden in the form of expression. It is either through those expressions that we can either find ourselves or deny ourselves. My dear reader, what is it that you do when it rains? Do you run to the nearest shelter or do you enjoy it? Most that I know run. I much prefer to walk slower. Let the rain saturate me. Close my eyes, breath in deeply the scents of the freshness. The feal of its moist caress. The taste of its kiss. It�s a sensation that makes you know you are alive. How any one can willingly pass up such a simple and exquisite pleasure is beyond me. Do you remember the first time you made love? I don�t mean loosing you virginity but I mean truly made love. How the excitement and nervousness heightened all your senses. The feel of your partners skin. The feel of there breath. The taste of their kiss. The pressing of there body against yours. The mixing of your sweat. Then they enter you. The brief pain. The surrendering of yourself into a world of awe. The feeling that you are connected completely. You see with your eyes closed. You feel the world around you melt. You transcend this world into a realm that only poets and music know. Your hands seem to melt through his flesh into the essence of him completely. Then suddenly the world spins. You erupt into pure emotion, passion, joy, and love. You lay there holding each other as your breathing slows again. You still heal him inside you as you kiss. He rests all of his weight on you and you run your fingers along his back. What happens to this experience? Why does it only happen once for most people when it can happen again and again with the same person? These are one of the times we feel alive. There is however a different side of this wonder. As most of you know I have a neurological disorder, known as Sigmental Mitocomis. This disorder causes half of my body to have a spasm of sorts. This spasm is not caused by one muscle but the result of a series of muscles in unison like a reflex. I am sure to you that this doesn�t seem all that vital because it is in fact non lethal. How it feels is something completely different. The twinge sensation the comes briefly before a shiver shoots down your back resides permanently in my body. I feel the constant battle to keep it from taking over. Then comes the worst part. The loss of control. It is not physically painful, but emotionally. There is a demon in my body and it strikes. I have no control and for one moment in time the whole world knows I am not normal. You will often hear me say that I feel abnormal. What most of you don�t know is that it leads me to cry myself to sleep many times. I can�t hold a partner with out the shakes disturbing out peace. I cannot sleep with out shaking myself awake. It effects my relationships, my friendships, and my professional and academic lives. I feel raped by my own body. I feel violated with no one to blame. I feel victimized by my own self. Even as I write this tears begin to flow. As much as I love life and all the wonder that comes with it, this is the shadow that looms over me always. This is my curse. This is my pain. But with all that is bad there is the good. It has taught me to enjoy all those simple things even more. So I let the rain fall. It reaches to me soul and even touches the demon deep inside. My entire body shivers. I feel normal again. |
| Emotion in the Cold |
| 03-12-04 |