| Those of us not born with the metabolisms of beady-eyed frisky tree-dwelling creatures have learned to become wary of various schemes and fads designed to prey on the insecurities that a few extra pounds here and there bring a girl. The cabbage soup diet bloated us, the all protein diet made us swear off cold cuts for eternity, and after four easy payments of $24.95 we still don�t have any of Suzanne Somer�s body parts. It seemed that I was destined to spend the rest of my life in practical underwear, hidden under practical pants and dancing solidly amongst the crowd, shirt intact. That was of course until I decided that complacency was not acceptable. I now am proud to present to you free of charge (gifts are welcome) my brainchild, and the result of many long hours of scientific research: The Go-Go Diet. Though complex in its conception, the hard work is finished. You must learn only one key principle to make the Go-Go Diet a success. Before eating or drinking anything, ask yourself one simple question: �Would a go-go boy eat/drink this?� Initially, this may seem like a difficult task, especially if, like us, you don�t actually know any live go-go boys. It�s ok. You don�t have to know them that well, just spend a few hours studying them in their natural habitat and you�ll have a pretty good idea of their habits and nature. You may not realize it, but I am actually considered to be the Jane Goodall of the go-gos. (Go-gos in the Mist, is being released in the next eighteen months, I assure you.) Here�s a go-go tracking tip from the pros: you may need to follow a go-go around for a few days. I don�t recommend calling them. Even though those boys look tough on the outside, you�d be surprised how fast their pansy-asses are down at the station house trying to get a restraining order. I mean, c�mon. Like Mr. Gay Latino U.S.A. can�t fend off some teetering drag queen with his delts of steel. I mean really. I thought we were friends, Paco! OK. It�s breakfast time. What would a go-go boy eat? So easy! Go-go boys aren�t up until at least two in the afternoon. Breakfast and lunch are taken care of. OK. Suppertime. What would a go-go boy eat? Well, probably one of those nasty creatine shakes. No creatine in your house? A strawberry shake will do I suppose. Gosh, it�s about nine-thirty, and you�re getting really hungry. What would a go-go boy do? Remain strong! No no� go go boys do not raid the fridge for those last freezer burned tater-tots. Fine� but no catsup. OK, a dab. 11:30 p.m. Stop looking at Jackie with those hollow eyes� your abs look better already! It�s almost time for your special go-go pill, menthol cigarettes and club air. A veritable go-go feast! Gentlemen, start your silver or black import cars! 12:05 p.m. See, I told you you�d love this diet. No, Jackie doesn�t want a massage. Your raving reporter, Jackie Ho |
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